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Only intermittently depressed

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Her	[Jul. 6th, 2016\|10:54 pm] Only intermittently depressed
I've unfollowed her about a dozen times. I've started following her again about a dozen and one times. It's not going to be long until it's a year. A year without her, though in a lot of ways it's been longer that, I guess. I knew things weren't right, but kept being told "No, everything's fine." Sometimes, I feel like I've been robbed of the chance to even fight for the relationship. For... her. Her photo pops up somewhere in my feed, and no matter how good I'm feeling - and, really, I have been feeling good lately (thus, the silence on this outlet) - I just get thrown back into the physical sensation of her lack. That sense of loss like feeling a limb that isn't there still flailing around, invisible and powerless. And like that limb, I know it'll never come back, that sense of completion. Like a fool, though. I hope. I wonder if she ever thinks of me, of us. Ever realises that maybe she too is missing out of something of importance. I wish I could talk to her more, because she was my best friend, too, but how can you maintain that, when 14 years of love goes away, along with all the years that were yet to come. I feel those the most keenly, sometimes, this phantom pain of things I cannot know, will never know, but still vainly hope for. I packed up all her clothes, her books; I took down her posters, changed the furniture. But even with a flatmate - my second since she went overseas - it still feels like our place. I know I should move, but in the same way I feel haunted by her, but still can't be quit of her, so to this place. I can imagine some impossible scenario where she finds a way back into my life, and we can be together again. To feel her touch. Her love. At the same time, trying to see other people is... it feels oddly hollow. That is when it works. I think I don't want people too close, because it might block her out; that, or because after her, I really will simply not feel like that again. I can't even feel sad at the prospect. I still crave the touch and closeness, and it has meaning, but... I don't know. It will pass, or it won't. But now... I would kill to be with her again.
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Good days, bad days	[Mar. 14th, 2016\|09:04 pm] Only intermittently depressed
Like I said, last year I gave up my meds. When I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I was really happy. Well, as happy as my anxiety allowed - it was a great load off, knowing that it was an explicable thing, and one that could be treated. I am told that I seemed better almost immediately. The meds were good, too. They really did keep the demon at arms' length, and over that time I was able to really get to know my anxiety. What caused it, how it started to feel, what it could grow into... all with the ability to really just fucking handle it. But, also as I've said, it was keeping other things at arms' length too. So, in the nearly six months without meds it's been good feeling myself again, quite aside from finally being able to process my breakup. Of course, this is not to say that the anxiety is gone. It's an imbalance in my brain, in the meat of who I am, that will not go away quickly, if at all. The trick is that I can by and large see it coming, know that while it is 'me', it's not really my fault. I'm a touch asthmatic as well, and while that is me, it's just meat-stuff too - out of my control. Tonight, though... Shit it's hit me hard. There's an invisible bag of cement on my chest, locusts in my brain, and I know - I KNOW - that everything I'm doing is wrong. It's only a small, heavily fortified part of me that's typing this; it would normally be in control of things, but it's peering out of the fortifications and hoping it's just a passing thing, a quick if nasty storm, something to be weathered. And not something that's going to settle in. What's worse is that it's triggered by feeling... by knowing that I've fucked up for other people. I have a project that I'm behind on that I really wanted to work; I've messed up the gaming experience of a whole mess of people (if anyone is reading this, and you know me, you know that's pretty serious in my books); at my day job, things are going downhill - slowly, but downhill. Things fall apart; the center cannot hold. The thing is I know I need to back off from some of these commitments, but that of course just ups it all even more. I've already disappointed people, now I'm letting them down. I'm bad at things, and I'm flaky - fantastic. So I guess I know there's a level where it does all get overwhelming.
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A Very Lucas Xmas	[Dec. 25th, 2009\|09:20 am] Only intermittently depressed
You know what the miracle of Christmas is? Have a very Wookie Christmas, and a Palpatine New Year, folks.
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Shit! Not a travel post!	[Aug. 26th, 2009\|10:34 pm] Only intermittently depressed
No... I got home tonight to find out that Ted Kennedy had passed away. Brain tumor. Nasty. Now, the Kennedys (Kennedies?) - none of them - aren't perfect. They're womanisers, liars of the highest order, nepotists, really. Spawn of a corrupt bootlegger, they embodied some of the worst aspects of the US political system. But fuck me if they didn't also represent some of the best.
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RIP Ricardo Montalban	[Jan. 15th, 2009\|11:48 am] Only intermittently depressed
Enough said.
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Harajuku, I love thee	[Nov. 18th, 2008\|08:50 pm] Only intermittently depressed
Harajuku, I love thee, originally uploaded by Hawk's eye. So, here I am sitting at the Kansai terminal waiting to leave Japan. Liz and I are already making plans for many returns. One of the things that's going to stick with me about the trip is the sheer WEIGHT of people in the cities, especially the Tokyo Metropolitan area. Imagine taking Sydney CBD, making about 25 copies, and then stringing them along stops on one huge loop train line. Then criss-cross it with over a dozen major and many more minor train lines. That's Tokyo. The stops on the Yamanote line, the main loop line, are cities in their own right. Shibuya, home of Shibuya Crossing, the world's busiest pedestrian crossing; Shinjuku, a shopping, drinking and redlight mecca; Ueno, museum central. And then there's Harajuku. About five or six years ago it was the heart of a fashion movement explosion that saw museum exhibits tour the world. The 'Harajuku street scene' was a marvelous phenomenon, but it's - I think - sadly past. Then again, something like that cannot last long. It burns too bright. That said, Harajuku is still a great place. One side of the trainline houses the 57 hectare Meiji Koen, a park and shrine dedicated to the Emperor who modernised Japan in the 1800s. The other side is part sleek shopping district, part crazy flea-market and alternative node. Guess which part we liked best. The smaller back streets are packed with odd little shops and bars and galleries. When you hit the street pictured, it's like walking into a storm. We found about three goth/punk shops, with some great clothes - we nearly spent a mint. In one building there was a goth joint on the ground floor, a Vivien Westwood knock-off shop on the floor above, and over that a shop specialising in the most sacharine of EGL wear. Heaven. But it's the crowds I love. People were streaming out of Harajuku station all day, and the neighbourhood - whether they were looking for high European couture or street-punk articles - just swallowed them up.
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IMGP3044	[Nov. 16th, 2008\|07:46 pm] Only intermittently depressed
IMGP3044, originally uploaded by Hawk's eye. Proof that Vampirism is alive and well in Tokyo.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 14th, 2008\|07:29 pm] Only intermittently depressed
I'd be posting more travel stuff, but the little netbook I borrowed for the trip is made of HCI fail. So, in brief point form. Kyoto: Beautiful. Like stepping back in time; there are some streets and alleys where entropy seems to be in total abeyance. Also, have not been able to get Kyoto Song out of my head since. Tokyo: OHMIGOD so many people. And awesome shopping. And cute J-goths. And train lines. And clubs (every second high-rise building in any built up area is made up of floor after floor of drinking establishments). And again with the shopping. Shinkansen: Bullet trains rock. They rock even harder when you're zooming past Mt Fuji with Map of the Problematique blasting into your eardrums. Beer: You can get it everywhere. From vending machines. On trains. From vending machines inside your Ryokan. From 7-11s (or Lawsons, Family Marts and so on). And not just any beer, but six-packs, mega-cans and more. Truly, this is the promised land of 'the traveller'. Sex: It's subtle, but it's everywhere. But especially in the eight floors of sex-based 'cosplay' we spotted in Akihibara today. We could tell it was eight floors, because every window had a different costume in it. Plus, the six foot advertisement for 'menz hole lubricant' kinda caught the eye. Okay, maybe just my eye. Crazy-old-guy-on-a-bicycle-with-a-beer: "The last German general I spoke to told me, he told me: 'Australians are very easy going'." Very possibly the oddest thing ever said to me by a crazy-old-guy-on-a-bicycle-with-a-beer. Fish jerky: Yes. Oh hell yes.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 13th, 2008\|08:12 pm] Only intermittently depressed
Random shotgunning of images taken over the first few days of trip, here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hawks-eye/ But, for now, all you need to know about how awesome Japan is: Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others! And all of that came from the local 7-11. Bless.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 13th, 2008\|02:35 pm] Only intermittently depressed
I started writing this a few days ago, and have been adding to it since then. Now that we've found some reliable net access... *** No one should have to get up that damn early in the morning for an international flight. What's more, you really shouldn't need to get up that damn early in the morning just for the privilege of waiting around Gold Coast airport for four hours before you can finally hop a flgiht to Japan. But hey, that's cheap tickets for you. Plus, we're here now, and all sins are forgiven. Osaka - our first destination - is an interesting town, thriving on the back of fishing and heavy industry. We passed more trawlers than I have ever seen in one spot, and huge expanses of fuel refineries and steelworks, on the way to our Ryokan. In fact, once we left the shore behind, it was like something out of a cyberpunk fever dream. That impression was only re-inforced once we got into the center of Osaka proper, and twisted our way along the raised overpasses threading their way through the tall buildings and bright avenues of garish light on the street level down below. After dropping off our bags we had a brief wander around the maze of bars and bars-with-cute-japanese-hostesses that made up the area we were staying in. We were tired after the flight, so bedded down reasonably early. This was when I realised we were really living in Bladerunner land. The sounds of any Japanese city are the sounds of future LA. The sirens, the tone of streetlights telling you to cross or not cross... it's weird to suddenly find yourself surrounded by these amazingly strong audio signifiers. Combined with the hordes of bicycle-riding citizens, and the strange kiosk-culture that the Japanese seem to love so much, it's very easy to imagine the possibility that you've not only travelled in distance but in time. Gnnuh. Sleep now. DAY TWO Liz and I are fish nuts, so the Osaka Aquarium is a must see. It's an amazing glass and steel structure, abstract and garish like a lot of modern Japanese structures, but very cleverly designed. It's eight stories, too, and consists of a central spiralling ramp that curves around a huge central tank. Many of the exhibits extend over two or more levels, so you pass different depths of the one tank multiple times. The main attraction of the aquarium are the two whale sharks in the central tank, and they are truly impressive creatures. There's a manta ray, too; that's one huge ray! But the beasties that really caught our eye were the otters, which had some of the best enclosures in the place. Little hands! After the aquarium we wandered back into central Osaka. Even on a Tuesday night the streets are packed; it takes a while for it to sink in, but the population density is just incredible. Case in point is the excellent disabled access just about everywhere we've been - each footpath has different textured pavers for where to walk and stop; everything, from buses to steps leading down into the subway, talks to you; brail is everywhere. Then there's the public transport! So many overlapping train lines - each run by a different company - both above and below ground, plus vast amounts of buses and taxis, and there's still hundreds of bicycles zooming by. But it also means that once you master the subway routes, Japanese cities are some of the easiest to get around in the world. Another plus of such highly populated cities is the excellent opportunity for some quality people watching. Fashion very definitely beats style in Osaka, and the current uniform for the fashion-elite is torn and worn jeans (tailored to fit of course), faux-hiking boots with undone laces and protruding tongue, and puffy, almost bomber-style jackets. And frosted tips on elegantly dishevelled hair. It's basically high-fashion lumberjacks. No school-girls, cat-girls or EGLs yet, but Kyoto and Tokyo are yet to come. I have high hopes.
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