I am getting increasing excited/nervous for august and giving birth. We had our hospital visit on Thursday and it was wonderful. Our hospital is everything I could ask for in a hospital and more. Since we are with the midwife practice they do everything to ensure you get what you want, which for me means a natural birth. There is no "it's 8pm and im tired and want to get home so we're going to induce you so I can go to bed." They let your body do what is natural. 

There are so many benefits to this hospital that I love! I am allowed to labor in the shower, walk throughout labor (not hooked up to a fetal heart monitor the whole time), give birth in any position that's comfortable for me, delay the cutting of the cord, and the baby will never be taken away from me! I love that they go by the studies that say baby will be kept the warmest through skin to skin contact on the mothers chest, rather than under a heat lamp. 

Although I am still a bit nervous for this whole process, visiting the hospital energized me and has given me an excitement for this journey. 

I'm sure most of you have seen my Facebook but for those of you who haven't, I'm very happy to announce that Kamil and I are expecting our first child in late August! We are beyond excited and I'm in full research mode! Researching everything from organic mattresses to cosleepers to car seats.

The first 3 months was rough and we kept the secret from just about everyone. Since my sister had lost her first child at 17 weeks we decided to wait to announce the news. But I was dying to get it out there by the time we did! I will be 19 weeks tomorrow. Almost halfway there!

Yesterday, after going to dinner with my friend Lizzy, for her birthday, I took a very crowded subway on my way to Penn. There were no seats available. The people sitting in front of where I was standing were having a conversation. They suddenly got quiet and I noticed that they were trying to determine if I was pregnant or not. I had to laugh a little bit cause I'm still fairly small. When I have a sweater on it is hard to tell but when you can see me in just a t shirt, you can't mistake it. They finally offered me a seat (although I declined since, by that point, I was getting off at the next stop).

Being pregnant is wonderful but also totally weird! Your body is I longer your own and you don't have control anymore! I used to be able to control how I felt through out the day by getting enough sleep at night. Now I go to bed at 9 and wake up at 6 (that's 9 hours!!) and I'm still exhausted. Although now that I'm in my second trimester I'm feeling better and having a harder time going to sleep so early. Lately I've been getting 8 hours.

Kamil has been amazing through all of it so far! Always doing things for me because he knows they are harder for me to do (like the dishes that made me so nauseous in the beginning, and carrying the laundry downstairs). He is very patient and I'm so thankful for him!

I apologize, in advance, for this rant, but I think I need to write this down for my own peace of mind.

"If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), 'am I really a writer?' 'Am I really an artist?' Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death."
-Steven Pressfield "the war of art"

I need to continually remind myself of this quote. Not that i will ever believe that I will actually be a real photographer but it gives me hope. I have always lacked confidence, something I pretend to have but in fact have very little of. I've fool many of you, haven't I? 

Why is it that only the negative stays with us? I get a hundred positive remarks for every negative thing that happens yet I can only remember the people who thought my work wasn't good enough! I've shot for 2 people who have then had other photographers reshoot for them because they didnt like my work. That stays with me. I know, logically, that not everyone is going to like what I do, and that I have to learn to let it go but it's easier said than done. 

I know that I'm not the best headshot photographer, and that it's sort of hit or miss when I do a headshot shoot but I have never charged my friends for head shots and I'm still learning. 

I know you gain confidence by doing, but I feel that I am not good enough to charge yet but I've been doing shoots for free for 3 years. I have to just jump in. I just don't know how! Those vampires have taken hold and aren't letting go! And why is it the worst kind of vampire? *for those who don't understand the reference listen to "Die, Vampire, Die" from [title of show].

I have realized that a lot of people call themselves professionals (in all different fields) but really have no idea what they are doing. The difference between them and I is that they have confidence, or they at least fake it. I was also taught to have the knowledge and the credentials before saying I was something. I don't think it's fair to the people hiring to believe I'm one thing when I am, in fact, another. But I'm not quite sure how I get to where I want to be. 

I am trying to calm myself down right now and not let my emotions get the better of me...as they normally do!

This weekend Kamil and I went on a hiking trip to Ithaca with two of his friends and their girlfriends, which makes for a total of 3 couples (Phil and Jess, Josh and Paola and Me and Kamil). This was planned at the end of May and we had agreed to stay at Paola's brother's house about an hour away from Ithaca in Binghamton. Kamil and I agreed to go on this trip because it would be a cheap, fun trip with friends. We agreed to go on the trip because we would have a free place to stay and would only have to pay for gas and food. About a week ago (July 4th weekend), it was mentioned that maybe we should stay in a hotel because the house was an hour away from where we wanted to hike. Kamil and I did not like that idea but it was dropped and no one mentioned it again...until the day before we were leaving (thursday). Jess and Phil didn't want to say in the house because we had to bring our own sheets (since no one is there for the summer) and our own towels. Jess is a girl who is ALWAYS done up and refused to stay somewhere with no air conditioning. Kamil and I basically told them "look guys, we are poor and can't afford this. It wasn't the original agreement and we based our ability to go off the fact that there would be a place to stay for free. Therefore, we either need to bow out and not go with you guys, or we can sleep in our car (which we actually both want to do since the seats fold down and there is basically a bed in it), or we can stay at the house." I feel as though that gives a lot of options. We aren't saying "You HAVE to do what we want" but we are also standing up for ourselves and saying we WONT pay for a place.

Josh decides that he wants all of us to stay together and has found a Lake House that will cost $450 for the entire weekend. He says he is fine paying for it so that he can have all his friends together. Kamil talked to him and he said "are you comfortable with me paying? Consider it a late birthday present or something." I was a bit worried that by letting Josh pay we would be indebted to him and feel that we owe him something. Kamil and I agreed to do this because we still wanted to go and it seemed important to Josh that we go on the trip.

We get up to the house earlier than everyone else (around 9). We had been up since 5:30 that morning and were very tired after a day of work, and wanted to go to sleep. We called the other 4 (who were all driving up together) and they weren't going to be at the house until about 12:30. We explained where the house was (since we had missed it) and told them that we were exhausted and would probably be asleep when they got there. The answer on the other end of the line was "You're going to bed?" (in a passive aggressive tone). We explained that we got up very early for work and since they wouldn't be there till late we were going to hit the hay. That was not received well and we both felt as if we were obligated to stay up. I kept thinking, why am I staying awake? So we can say hello and then go to bed. Kamil and I decided it was ridiculous and want to bed.

The next morning we got up and everything was fine. Kamil and I thought that maybe we could go to the grocery store to pick up some food for ourselves for breakfast. Josh said "Can you wait until everyone is up?" (again with the passive aggressive tone). We agreed but about 20 minutes later when Jess and Phil still weren't up Josh said "Paola and I are going to go get coffee." Okay, so you can go get coffee but we can't go to the store? I didn't think much of it and just brushed it off and Kamil and I ended up going along for the ride to the coffee shop. Neither of us drink coffee but we decided to go to keep them company. Josh stopped off at the bank afterwards and then we headed back to the house. Jess and Phil still weren't up by that point. We all hung out and waited around until they got up and were ready to go.

Once everyone was ready we headed off for our first hike. We all piled into our little Honda Fit (that only fits 5, even though there were 6 of us. Someone ended up riding in the trunk...which is a hatch so it's not enclosed). Kamil and I have what is called an Empire Pass that we bought a while ago. It gets us into all the state parks for free (well not really for free since we did pay for the pass).

The first hike was Josh's choice. I had read good things about the hike and had told him that I liked his choice. We started out all together and ended up hiking in groups that changed all the time. I would hike with Josh and Paola and then I'd hike with Kamil and then I'd hike with Jess. It was ever changing. After a while Josh became very quiet and it was clear that he was not happy. I have a LOT of friends who do that it's one thing that frustrates me more than any other. I know you are not happy but when I ask you if you're alright you act as if you're pissed at me for asking. I always tell my kids a work "I can't help you unless you tell me why you're upset." Same thing here! Kamil hiked with him for a while and he didn't ask him why he was acting that way but since Kamil was very happy I was hoping it would rub off on Josh!

At one point Kamil stopped and wanted to put his feet in the water. Everyone seemed okay with it and stopped and sat down and took a break. I joined Kamil and it was very refreshing. We tried to get other people to put their feet in and walk around by the gorgeous waterfall but they didn't want to get their feet wet. It was so hot that my feet dried off within minutes after getting out. Kamil and I walked around for a few minutes and overall took about a 10 minute break. Once the hike was finished, there was an awesome gorge with a waterfall that people were swimming in. There was a diving board that you could jump off of into the gorge. It was pretty cool. We got there and Josh said "I'm going in." I wanted to go in as well but had to pee like CRAZY! I found the bathroom, went and by the time I got back Josh was on his second jump off the diving board. Phil ended up going in as well and by the time I jumped off the diving board the first time they were sitting under the waterfall. I joined them for a few minutes and then they both got out. I jumped again and then Kamil decided he wanted to go. This whole time the other two girls are just sitting there, still not wanting to get wet. I understand that not everyone is up for jumping off a diving board, into a gorge but it seemed as if they were bored and didn't want to be there. I very much want to LIVE life! And yea, I was totally scared when I got up on that diving board! The drop was big but I wanted to do it! I didn't want to be a prissy girl saying "I don't want to get my hair wet." Well then why did you go on the hike?

By the time Kamil had finished his first jump the others were done. We were not. We wanted to jump a few times. I jumped a total of 3 times and Kamil 2. We were there a total of about 45 minutes. After that we walked back to the car. While at the car Jess and I got into a pretty heated debate about food. I've been reading books about food lately (one in particular called "Real Food" by Nina Planck) and am very interested in the subject. The debate centered around the fact that Jess thinks Red Meat, Whole Milk and other such things are terrible for you. Where as I say, if you are going to be getting any fat it SHOULD be from whole milk or other sources of animal fat. These things actually help us. I'm not going to go into it here but I have a whole slew of opinions and facts to back them up.

We headed out to another hike Josh had found and did a 1.5 mile hike that wasn't very interesting. At the end we all sat down to try to figure out what to do. Kamil said he needed to eat and pulled out some blueberries and offered them to everyone. Josh and Phil and I all ate some along with Kamil. Someone asked if anyone wanted to swim. I said that I could always swim but didn't want to hold anyone back so if I was going to be the only one, I wouldn't go." We decided to go back to the house and shower and relax for a bit before finding a place to eat.

When we got back to the house we decided to go out in the Canoe. Josh, Phil and Kamil all wanted to go out. There were 4 seats so I said I'd join. Since I used to actually race outrigger canoes I know a thing or two about canoes. One of the things I know best is how to steer! I ended up steering and Kamil is in the front paddling (there were only 2 paddles so Josh and phil were just in the boat for the ride). The whole time Josh was telling Kamil that he didn't know what he was doing and that he was doing it wrong. Kamil was doing fine and Josh really didn't know what he was talking about I guess needed to make himself feel better so he decided to berate Kamil. Just so you all know, Josh was Kamil's best man in our wedding but he still treats him this way.

We all showered and then went out to dinner at Josh's choice. This wasn't a place that I particularly liked but I can always find something on the menu so I went along with it cause I didn't want to be difficult. Dinner was fun. We had several debates about relationships (talking about how we argue and how we are similar and different) as well as about religion/our moral compasses. I had a great time. When we got back Josh was sort of done talking about all of it and went onto the deck with his beer and music. Kamil and Phil soon joined him and the three of them were playing cards. I went out there, along with Paola and we chatted and had a good rest of the evening. Jess went to bed...everyone was fine with that. We agreed to get up and be out by 9am the next morning (this morning).

We had thought we were going to hike this morning but since it takes so long to get home and we all have work tomorrow we figured we would just get on the road. They all wanted to go get coffee and agreed to do that and we needed gas. They all wanted to start driving and stop and get breakfast along the way. Kamil is the type of person that needs to eat when he wakes up. He can't wait an hour or two. He, unfortunately, didn't communicate this. When we were leaving the house Josh pulled out and drove away before we were even in our car. He did not tell us where he was going. We went to get gas and called him and Kamil said "Look dude, I am hungry so I think Gretchen and I are going to just grab a bagel at Panera and be on our way." Josh asked everyone if they wanted to go to Panera and no one did (btw, we weren't set on Panera, it was just right there and Kamil was hungry but we would have gone anywhere in town). He said but I thought you were coming with us. I then got on the phone and said "you've known Kamil long enough to know that when he is hungry he needs to eat NOW! His blood sugar gets very low and he becomes hangry (hungary and angry)!" Josh's response was "But that wasn't the plan." He ends up saying "It's fine! Do whatever you want." and hangs up. At dinner the night before he talked about how when women say "It's fine" it doesn't actually mean everything is fine. He also said how much he hates it when Paola says that. Yet, he does exactly what he hates to us.

Kamil and I head to Panera and Josh calls Kamil and Kamil tried to pick up the call but AT&T sucks and he didn't get it. Josh left a message saying "I think what you did is a really dick move. Especially considering I was extremely accommodating of you and Gretchen the entire weekend. My one request for everybody was that we stick together so we can spend time together and you pretty much just said fuck you to that, so I hope you have a safe trip back. Talk to you soon." That is word for word what he said. Kamil and both thought that maybe he was calling cause everyone had changed their minds and wanted to eat now. Kamil tries to call him back before he listens to the message and Josh calls again and Kamil is able to talk to him this time. Josh basically tells him he is a dick and he is pissed and hangs up. He doesn't let Kamil say a thing.

My first questions is why do we have to be together 24/7? We've been together the entire time so far. It's not like not having breakfast together means we aren't friends anymore. Kamil and I both felt that he was throwing it in our faces that he paid for the place. Just because he paid does that mean we have to do everything he wants? If I had known that I would not have gone!

Kamil and I stewed about this on our 6 hour drive home. Both frustrated but determined not to let it ruin our day. When we get home, Josh texts kamil and says this:

"I hope you and Gretchen got home safe. I had fun this weekend and I hope you did too. I am sorry for losing my cool before but I am not sorry for what I said. I thought it was rude of you to just leave without saying goodbye or thank you or even being open to compromise re: where and when we ate. There is no excuse for being rude, hungry or not. If you didn't want to eat in an hour you should have spoken up when it was discussed. It was childish that you just left, clearly showing you don't give a shit about what I think yet I am supposed to care what you think. I am pissed you didn't think of anyone else besides yourself throughout the trip, bringing only beer for yourself, food for yourself, and no one else. I don't care if you spend a dime. There are free ways to show you care. I get it that you have other ways you'd rather spend your money. But if other people are gonna float you just because they really wanna spend time with you, which I clearly do, you need to at least be a little bit less stubborn and meet in the middle. This my way or the highway bullshit is getting old. I love you man. I'm not usually one to talk because I am far from perfect. I just want you to see that you are making it seem like you don't care about others and that hurts me when I care so much about you."

First of all, they pulled out of the driveway without saying anything...NOT us! Second, we thanked Josh several times throughout the trip. I also texted him the day before the trip thanking him. But no, that's not good enough. We also, WERE willing to compromise. That was a lack of communication on BOTH of our parts. He didn't offer up any compromise and neither did we. I love that he says we didn't give a shit about what he thinks when all we did all weekend was what he wanted.

He says we didn't think about anyone else the entire trip. We drove everyone around all weekend, we did everything everyone else wanted and we are still in trouble for it. I had to go to Kmart to get something for my feet since I had a blister and I asked everyone if it was okay to go. They said sure no problem. But that's not thinking about anyone else. We brought 6 beers...they weren't all finished and we weren't the only ones who drank them. Alcohol is not something I think to bring to ANYTHING since I don't drink a lot. Kamil remembered and I'm glad he did cause we would have been in even more trouble had we not. and I'm sorry but I seem to remember you eating our blueberries! He didn't bring any food for anyone either so why is this even being brought up.

I love how he makes it seem as if he did us a favor. That he "floated" us and that we didn't meet in the middle. No, Josh, we didn't go everywhere you wanted to and were okay with it! We clearly complained the whole time and made your life hell. If you know me at all you know that I am incredibly laid back and a go with the flow kind of person but when someone basically says that I didn't compromise at all, when I did everything they asked, it PISSES ME OFF! The whole your way or the highway comment makes me angry! If that were true then we would have been staying at Paola's brothers, and we would have gone to the grocery store when we wanted to, etc.

It's really unfortunate that the whole trip ended up leaving a bad taste in our mouth. Kamil is done being pushed around by Josh and is writing him an email right now to tell him so.

I leave you with a few pictures from the trip because the pictures are pretty cool!

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If you got through all of that, good for you! It was LONG and I'm not the most eloquent writer in the world. What do you think about this whole situation?

I sort of managed to get myself into a situation with one of Kamil's friends the other day and I've been struggling to get myself out of it. I wanted to do a triathlon in montauk in October but decided I wanted to do the relay. I ha a swimmer and I would bike but I still needed a runner. One of Kamils friends runs (she was actually the swimmer on my team he. I did the NYC Tri). She had a house warming party this weekend and I was talking about it with another friend who said she might know someone but she's not that reliable. The girl said she'd do it but of course until I get a commitment from someone they are not locked in. So Kamils friend is talking about it and I said that I was going to do it but that we are still looking for a runner. Her response was "oh well...I was planning on doing it by myself but... Maybe I could do the relay. Give me a week and I'll let you know." To me it sounded like she really didn't want to do it! So I continued to pursue other options. 

Also at the party wad a woman who is an AMAZING triathlete! She did the whole course WAY faster than Kamil! And got 2nd for the women! Pretty impressive. She is pregnant and due in 5 days. She said she wants to get back out there but can't do a full tri right after the baby is born. I mentioned that we were doing the relay and that i didn't have a committed runner yet and she said she would love to it.

There was my mistake. I should have let Kamils friend Jeanne know that I was pursuing other options until I found someone. Cause now Jeanne is not happy that I told her I didnt need her. To be quite honest I don't WANT to do it with her. She kind of drives me nuts! She is one of those people who has to be into EVERYTHING. Kamil and I always joke that she is going to call us up and say "hey guys, you should come hiking with us so we can photograph endangered species and save them and then we'll go find a vaccination for an incurable disease and on out lunch break we'll feed the homeless and then find stray cats a home!" she means well but I get kinda frustrated with her sometimes. 

Anyway after calling her and leaving a message and apologizing to her for assuming that she would rather do it alone I came to the realization that I should just do it alone! I think I can do it and I've been wanting to do a full tri rather than just the bike part. I hate saying that I did the NYC triathlon and then having to say "I just did the bike portion." it's suck a killjoy. I think I'm ready to do a tri. I would do the sprint rather than the Olympic length. So I would be doing a 750meter swim (I think), 17k bike and 5k run. The bike is a piece of cake but I do worry a little about the other two. This weekend I'm going to ride my normal 15 mile loop and then go for a run and see how I do.

Kamil and I had a long conversation about then and then I realized I might not even be able to do this! Kamil and I are going to start to try to have kids this summer. If I get pregnant in July, I will be 4 months pregnant in October. Can I do a tri if I'm pregnant? I don't really want to sign up and then not be able to do it and waste the money. I guess it's time for me to find a dr. And find out. 

After a lot of yelling and A LOT of crying the issues of this morning have been worked out. We are both beyond stressed and haven't spent much time together lately. It really seems to be taking it's toll on us both.

From this fight came the realization that one of the reasons I feel that I can barely keep afloat is that I am lacking balance in my life. I am working too much, not seeing my husband enough, and not getting enough time to relax. When I come home the projects on the house stare me down. When we first bought the house and would come home from the city it felt like we were going on vacation. Now, being in the house stresses me out. I know this feeling wont last forever and that once we finish the living room we will both feel a lot better but for now it's hard not to feel the rush of anxiety almost knock me over when I walk through the door.

A friend of mine gave me a necklace a few years ago that says "Balance" on it. She told me that she bought it for me because I have always been able to attain such balance in my life. I actually laughed when she said that because I didn't necessarily feel like I was able to. She said that from an outsiders perspective I did a wonderful job keeping balance. I've realized since she gave me the necklace that I am better at it than I think and when my life falls out of balance everything falls apart.

Now that I know what the problem is it'll be easier to fix it. I'm not quite sure how to find balance again but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Looks like it's time to put the necklace back on to remind myself that I'm in search of balance.

I'm thankful that I have a loving husband who, although at times, can make me want to scream, also loves me unconditionally...even when I throw my chapstick at him. And even though I had to have a break down tonight for us to have a good heart to heart, I am glad that he is able to hear me and really listen to how I am feeling. I KNEW these first several months were going to be very hard in the house. It's easy to say that but it's much more difficult to experience them. I just want to get past this and be able to live our lives and not have it be so hard. Looking forward to those days.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed as of late. Although I had the week off and had some wonderful girl time with one of my very best friends, Ashley, last night I felt as if the world was crashing down on me and I couldn't stop it. I was beginning to feel suffocated. I love my husband dearly but we work very differently and sometimes it can cause me to have stress. I think that's what this is all about.

Since we moved into this house it feels that everything has to be done RIGHT NOW! That's very much his nature and something that, although frustrates me at times, I can't change about him. He becomes very stressed out if he can not finish a project or if he doesn't think he has enough time to do something. It's all he can focus on; it consumes him. Currently, our living room is a construction zone and although I don't like it, it stresses him out much more.

This week I feel as if he's bitten off more than he can chew. He is very ambitious and although I admire this I also, at times, am a bit more of a realist. He has plans to finish our living room this weekend, which means we have to prime all the walls, paint the moulding, and then paint the walls. I spackled all the holes a second time last night so before we do anything we have to sand those down.

He also thought that we would be able to make Bigos this weekend. Bigos is a delicious Polish meal that takes about 8 hours to make. I'm not quite sure what he was thinking but I made the executive decision last night to freeze all the meat and make it another time.

The thing that really has given me a headache this morning is the fact that he called someone to get an estimate on our gas conversion that we have to do at some point. This guy was supposed to come at 8am. I can't figure out, for the life of me, why he would schedule something for 8am when he didn't even get home last night till after midnight! We didn't go to bed till 1:30. It's not like he doesn't know what time his train gets in.

I have no problem with the fact that he wants to get all this done. In fact it's very helpful but having someone come at 8am means that I will be woken up as well. This is the 4th person who has come to give us an estimate on the gas conversion.

I feel as if Kamil is holding a plate of very delicate things and is stuffing as many things on that plate as possible. It's as if I'm standing under him trying to catch the things as they fall off the plate because he's piled it so high. i really respect his ambition and love him for it but his intensity is making me feel as if I can't breathe. I would say I need a vacation but I was on vacation this week and I only feel more stressed.

I think the solution is going to be to suck it up until the living room is finished and until the tree that fell over in our yard and broke our fence is gone. Once those two things are fixed I think he might be able to relax. Until then, I have a feeling he is going to be overwhelmed and therefore I will be as well.

Ooh the life of a homeowner!

What a wonderful year 2010 has been for me! I experienced so many firsts and learned and grew from some difficult events. But all in all the year was the best I've ever had.

I took my first photography class in 2010. This was a very good experience for me! I learned that not everyone is going to like my work and that there will be critics out there but if you're doing what you love than that is what matters.

Kamil and I skied for the first time since we were 10 and 12 respectively. It was SO much fun! I've learned that I'm a little more adventuresome than I expected. I tried a harder course (a blue course) and I was NOT ready for it. I'm glad I tried it and wasn't afraid to try. I'll leave the double black diamonds up to Kamil!

Kamil and I got a cat, Hamilton, who was a street cat and followed us home one day. We had to take him in! He has turned out to be the sweetest, most lovable cat.

I participated in my first triathlon! I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but signed up anyway. I was so nervous and wasn't sure I was going to like the racing but I ended up loving it! I got teary eyed as I started biking and there were so many people cheering and supporting the racers! Biking has really become an outlet for me this year. It has helped me stay healthy both physically and mentally. And has given me and my husband a wonderful activity to do together!

I was blessed to have many friends come to visit and stay with me and Kamil over the last year. As difficult as it is to be away from your close friends it makes it even more special when they come to visit and can share this wonderful city with you.

The highlight of the year was our wedding that will live forever in my memory as the perfect day. It was beautiful and simple and we were surrounded by those we loved. We both felt so blessed to be given the gift of sharing this wonderful experience with all our friends and family. I think back on that day and I feel so warm and in love and sometimes it amazes me that it happened to me, that I was lucky enough to find this wonderful man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me!

I look forward to 2011, and welcome it with open arms! Kamil and I will become home owners, as we finish the process of buying our first home in the coming weeks. I know this year will be difficult in many ways (financially, since we will have bough a house, as well as professionally, since I will be commuting to work 2 hr/day) but I also know that this is the beginning of something wonderful! We are starting to talk about children, which we are both SO excited about and would have tomorrow if we could, and about our future. It's an amazing time in our lives!

I was trying to think what my New Year's Resolutions would be this year. There have been years that I've kept my resolutions and years that I've totally forgotten about them and thrown them to the wayside. In trying to come up with a resolution for this year I realized that I wanted to make a resolution that would really help me grow as a person. Last year I decided that I would journal more. I got a journal and would write in it on my way to work. It lasted for several months and then I forgot about it. Although I didn't keep it up all year it really helped me in my relationship with Kamil. I would journal about day to day stuff as well as our arguments, which helped me to see when I was wrong and what I could have done different.

This year I've decided to make a resolution to see the beauty and joy in the small things. Find it in my everyday life, helping to make life more enjoyable. I love life but lately work has been tough! If I can find joy throughout the day than I think it'll help make work better. I also really want to keep a thankful journal. I want to write down one thing I'm thankful for daily, in order to help me appreciate the small things! This year is going to be the start of something big for us. I am SO excited and terrified at the same time. But I am welcoming it and seeing where it leads us. It's the beginning of something beautiful!

Things have been completely miserable at work for the past few weeks. I have a new supervisor (we'll call her JM) since my old supervisor (who we will call JF) is on maternity leave. Things were fine in the beginning but a few weeks ago I got an email from JM telling me she wanted to meet with me about my schedule. That due to some requests of teachers she wanted to discuss ways to improve my schedule.

Okay if you don't know what I do this is going to be confusing so I'm going to try to explain it to you before I get into this. I work one on one with kids with disabilities in general ed settings. These are all preschool students that have been identified as having disabilities. I'm not working with severely disabled kids but kids who have a hard time sitting still (who may have ADHD but haven't been diagnosed) or kids who have aggression, etc. I'll explain how it works. Say "Andrew" has an extremely hard time sitting still and listening to his teachers, gets up in the middle of circle time, is disruptive, etc, and it's identified that he needs a SEIT (that's what I am). I go in for a specified amount of time each week. Lets pretend that Andrew gets 5 hours per week. I would normally break that up into 2 2.5 hour sessions, in which I go into the classroom and work on those specified issues with a kid, trying to give them the tools to survive in the classroom when I'm not there.

When I got this email from Joan about revising my schedule I had no idea what to think. I hadn't had much contact with her and didn't really know how she worked yet. Anyway, it turns out that one specific teacher wants me in her classroom 5 days a week for a 5 hour case. To me this is absolutely ridiculous! By the time I get there, it's time to leave. 1 hour is not enough time to really work on anything. It just doesn't work that way. This is my 4 year and I've NEVER done things this way. I've never split a 5 hour case into anything more than 2 2.5 hour sessions. And now she wants 5 sessions. My old supervisor, JF, would have stood up for me. JF would have said, that's not how things work and she has 4 other kids that she has to worry about and she'll be wasting time commuting from school to school, etc. But JM says "Okay we'll give you what you want!" When I went in for this meeting JM proposed a schedule that had me seeing EACH of my kids for only 1 hour per day. It also gave me a 3 hour break in the middle of my day. I was FURIOUS!!! What am I supposed to do with a 3 hour break when I can't go home and don't have an office and have to just sit around? I emailed JM that night and said that I didn't think it was going to work and here were the reasons why. I CCed her boss on it. Thankfully I did that cause her boss contacted another one of my old supervisors and she said she'd help me. In talking to her she said that we have to be patient with JM cause she is just learning the job. Yes, fine but I feel as if my time and work are not being respected.

I got over this whole thing and thought things would get better. A few days later I get another email from her telling me that she is giving me a new case. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but I already have 25 direct service hours. Full time at my company is 28 direct service hours and this case that she was giving me was 5 hours. This means I'd be 2 hours over putting me at over time. You can't TELL me that I have to work overtime, you really need to ASK. I've ALWAYS been asked. JM is my 4th supervisor in 4 years with this company and I've NEVER had a problem with any of them until her. I was VERY angry about this. So angry in fact that I made an apt with JM's boss, TW, (the head of the Early Childhood Dept at my company) to have a meeting. I talked and talked and talked to so many people and was getting more and more nervous about this meeting. I didn't know what I was going to say to TW! I was nervous that what I wanted to say was going to sound like I was telling on JM when really I was just frustrated and didn't feel as if I was being respected. The morning of the meeting Kamil asked me what I hoped would come from this meeting, and I couldn't figure it out. TW is not going to fire JM. I guess I really just wanted her to know how frustrated I was. But because I couldn't come up with a good answer, I cancelled the meeting.

That day I some how had to talk to JM. I am at 4 different schools but the school I am at for half my time (15 hours per week) is the school in which JM has her office, therefore I run into her. Anyway, I somehow decided to just try to kill her with kindness. My mom said later that what I was trying to do was get her on my side. Which is true. I guess I was trying to get her to like me so things would be easier on me in the future. A whole lot of good that did. Things have just gotten worse.

2 days ago JM emailed me saying we needed to talk. She told me that I was being taken off a case. I have NEVER been taken off a case in my LIFE! The way she said it was very sweet but also very much like you're being taken off cause the director requested it and cause you can't handle it. Not in those words but that was the gist of it. I was visibly upset! I had spoken to the director that apparently wants me off the case several weeks ago and she asked how I was doing. I work with 2 kids in her school. I said it was going really well with one of them but it was a little more difficult with the other. I was still trying to find my place with him and the best strategies to use with him. I saw the director a while later and she said "you know not all matches work. If it's not working for you, we can find someone else to work with him." I said "No, it's not that, it's just that I don't know him very well yet and we don't really have a relationship yet since I'm only there for 5 hours/week. I just need to establish a relationship with him and I think the rest will follow." And now apparently this director wants me off the case. If this director had said that to me again I wouldn't have felt that it was condescending. But the way that JM told me all of this it was very condescending and as if to say I'm sorry but you're not good enough at your job so we need to find someone else. Apparently JM's boss, TW was brought into this as well. And now I'm stressed that TW is going to think I can't do my job well! This was yesterday.

Today, I had a great day at work. I saw 3 kids and although I was kicked, had several things thrown at my head and my necklace was almost pulled off my neck in an attempt to try to hurt me, I had a good day. Kamil texted me asking me how my day was and I said it was great cause I didn't have to deal with Joan! Until 10pm when I get an email from her! My first thought is ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! It's 10pm and I have a LIFE!!! In this email she is asking me to do an educational evaluation for a child (who is not on my caseload). She wants me to get back to her ASAP cause she has a meeting in the morning with the director of this school. I'm sorry, you should have emailed me earlier cause I am NOT responding to you at 10pm! The only reason I saw this email was because I get my work email on my phone, which I am thinking of turning off.

As you will remember, I am already working overtime. Today I was at work from 8:30am-5pm. Tell me WHEN during the day am I going to do an education evaluation for another child? I am already working overtime and I am NOT staying later than I have to! The other full time SEIT is never asked to do anything. JM picks on me and asks me to do everything for her! She even wants me to take over HER caseload, now that I'm being taken off a case, cause she doesn't have time! BS! I don't have time either! This woman is very manipulative and I can't work with her. She is making my life a nightmare. I want to go to TW desperately cause there is NO ONE else I can talk to. I need advice on how to handle her but I have NO ONE to go to! She is making my life a living hell and emails me DAILY for something! I am not your fucking servant and I'm not going to do everything you tell me to do just cause you tell me to. She is trying to change the whole system at my company. Every time something happens with her I want to just quit. I like my job, but what I like about it is working with the kids. That's what I'm good at! I can't deal with her! I don't know what to do anymore and I'm getting close to just leaving!

I'm stealing this from Nancy.

(1) Turn on your MP3 player or music player on your computer. (2) Go to SHUFFLE songs mode. (3) Write down the first 25 songs that come up--song title and artist and post to your live journal--NO editing please.

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