So I did not get to write anything the next day. I could say that 'I was busy' a very well know phrase from my part, well known by those who are close to me. Truth is I forgot and I went out last night with the intent of getting wasted, that was until I got a phone call from someone I love a lot who was really f*ed up.
I think it is ironic that what he wants, my freedom, is what I'm willing to give up for what he has, stability. But then again, is that not that a human trait? We want what we can't have and we are never happy with what we do have...
I remember months ago, way back in November. My 'hardest decision' then was choosing between 3 great guys (always the drama queen.) An average 'stable' 26 yr. old pilot. One whom I shared more than a lot in common with. A cute 'lively' 20 yr, old sailor who is completely unselfish, with a sincere and nurturing heart. And a handsome 'laid back' 19 yr. old soldier with good looks, who is as blunt as a mallet.
I was really NOT looking for a relationship (having come out alive form a 5 yr whirlwind) and I'd told myself, worse come to worse and I had to choose, whom would I pick ... To this day I don't know, understand or will ever comprehend how it came to be that the 'candidates' were all in the services.
I met the sailor.
I was totally blow away by him. Had never met anyone so joyful and carefree with such a love for life before. We went out for only a few hours, we were at a mall. I know I was blushing the entire time. I'd been flattered and spoiled before come to think of it, not as spoiled as I got that night. I was truly treated like a queen for the first time, for those few hours. I was impressed and curious, wanting more.
I'd met the pilot before that.
I knew that if I was patient, I could develop a very meaningful deep rooted relationship with him because it was like we 'knew' each other in almost every dimension, we shared the same taste in just about everything, down to role playing. We watched horror flicks, under a blanket next to a cozy fireplace, me wrapped in his arms, it was dreamy.
Then came the soldier.
He was the last one to join the top three, out of dozens. When he came into the picture, my eyes were set on the sky and the sea. Being an earth sign, last thing I wanted was to look in the ground. I did not need to, he looked for me. Then the friendship was formed. We i-md for hours and hours. Though we had very little in common, what little we had we expanded on to the point of having long, long conversations about little nothings.
All three went home for the holidays. I asked all three to let me know via e-mail, i-m, phone, to let me know they got there safe. I heard from z soldier as he was about to leave the airport, then when he was changing planes and then after a few hours of making it there. I heard from z sailor the night he got there. I never heard back from the pilot. Up to that point, he was at the top, followed by the sailor. Although the soldier was there, he did not really have as many points as the other two, he was far behind and had lots of catching up to do. I was going through a very difficult time, I was starting to get over the car accident I had in November and a lot more was being expected form me at both home and work. Everyone knows how much I love to talk, and how much I need it. Well...
During those two weeks I spoke with the soldier everyday, for hours. I'd go to sleep talking with him, be awoken at crazy hours, like 3 or 4, when he came back from hanging out with his friends. I'd spend my lunch time with him on the phone and sometimes that carried on to the afternoon, all the way on the drive back home. I think we spoke about 5-8 hour on average those days. No one had ever listened to me the way he did before (with the exception of Xio (you don't know who she is, shame on you!) and Franky) and I was curious to meet this musician. things kept going that way for a few days, I wrote an e-mail that I never meant to really send saying I might be falling in love with you and he called me up saying he got my e-mail and the answer was yes. Like I'd ever make it that easy, I said yes what, I'm the one whose supposed to be answering, not the one asking, so he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend and wanted me to stop seeing other people and so I did.
I don't know what compelled me to write this, it's my favorite story to tell, think everyone is sick of hearing it, of course it is the short version. I think that since hon and I got on the rocks back in May, I have been focusing on all the things that are wrong with our relationship, all his faults and my faults. I miss my December-April days. I'd stopped looking back at all the good, stopped looking forward to the future, got into my little depressed rut again, got self destructive and can't look at myself in the mirror, embarrassed at myself. What could I have done differently? What could I have done for him? This whole time I've been whining, "I need him, I've done this, I've done that, what has he done" The stories soon morphed from friend to friend, portraying me as a 'victim.' I've been too blind and self-absorbed, to really stop and think about what he's going through. Instead of always telling and agreeing with my friends about breaking up with him, I should be brainstorming ways to help him in anyway. The everlasting excuse has always been 'he's too far.' I don't know maybe I should write him letters or e-mails, wait, he does not acknowledge or answer them, but that's not the point, at least that way he might feel a little more appreciated and loved (yes I'm answering myself.)
This feels almost like a letter, hate letters such one sided conversations (Aldo came up with that one :P ) Maybe I will just stand outside late night, so I can talk to him, like we did before. I just feel so helpless I don't know how much talking to him will help, even if at all. I hate the fact that he helped and brought me out of my self rut, even though he was in Texas at the time, and I feel so helpless, want to do the same for him, but I don't know how...
::sigh::
contemplative
melancholy
groggy