…rch#165479)

These happen when building with CMAKE_BUILD_TYPE=RelWithAssert

This should fix two types of failures that started with pytorch#163665

Disclaimer that I used a lot of AI since I don't how pybind works or what refcounts and pointers are, so idk if this is a good solution, or even a solution at all (fwiw the tests pass now)

The first one type is

Truncated:
```
    default_pg, _ = _new_process_group_helper(
  File "/opt/conda/envs/py_3.10/lib/python3.10/site-packages/torch/distributed/distributed_c10d.py", line 2096, in _new_process_group_helper
    backend_class = creator_fn(dist_backend_opts, backend_options)
  File "/opt/conda/envs/py_3.10/lib/python3.10/site-packages/torch/testing/_internal/distributed/fake_pg.py", line 25, in _create_fake_pg
    return FakeProcessGroup._create_internal(
RuntimeError: new_refcount != 1 INTERNAL ASSERT FAILED at "/var/lib/jenkins/workspace/c10/util/intrusive_ptr.h":319, please report a bug to PyTorch. intrusive_ptr: Cannot increase refcount after it reached zero.
Exception raised from retain_ at /var/lib/jenkins/workspace/c10/util/intrusive_ptr.h:319 (most recent call first):
C++ CapturedTraceback:
#4 std::_Function_handler<std::shared_ptr<c10::LazyValue<std::__cxx11::basic_string<char, std::char_traits<char>, std::allocator<char> > > const> (), c10::SetStackTraceFetcher(std::function<std::__cxx11::basic_string<char, std::char_traits<char>, std::allocator<char> > ()>)::{lambda()#1}>::_M_invoke(std::_Any_data const&) from Logging.cpp:0
#5 c10::Error::Error(c10::SourceLocation, std::__cxx11::basic_string<char, std::char_traits<char>, std::allocator<char> >) from ??:0
#6 c10::detail::torchCheckFail(char const*, char const*, unsigned int, std::__cxx11::basic_string<char, std::char_traits<char>, std::allocator<char> > const&) from ??:0
#7 c10::detail::torchInternalAssertFail(char const*, char const*, unsigned int, char const*, char const*) from ??:0
#8 void pybind11::class_<c10d::FakeProcessGroup, (anonymous namespace)::IntrusivePtrNoGilDestructor<c10d::FakeProcessGroup> >::init_instance<(anonymous namespace)::IntrusivePtrNoGilDestructor<c10d::FakeProcessGroup>, 0>(pybind11::detail::instance*, void const*) from init.cpp:0
#9 pybind11::detail::type_caster_generic::cast(void const*, pybind11::return_value_policy, pybind11::handle, pybind11::detail::type_info const*, void* (*)(void const*), void* (*)(void const*), void const*) from :0
#10 pybind11::cpp_function::initialize<torch::distributed::c10d::(anonymous namespace)::c10d_init(_object*, _object*)::{lambda(int, int, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options> >)pytorch#127}, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup> >, int, int, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options> >, pybind11::name, pybind11::scope, pybind11::sibling, pybind11::arg, pybind11::arg, pybind11::arg_v>(torch::distributed::c10d::(anonymous namespace)::c10d_init(_object*, _object*)::{lambda(int, int, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options> >)pytorch#127}&&, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup> > (*)(int, int, c10::intrusive_ptr<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options, c10::detail::intrusive_target_default_null_type<c10d::FakeProcessGroup::Options> >), pybind11::name const&, pybind11::scope const&, pybind11::sibling const&, pybind11::arg const&, pybind11::arg const&, pybind11::arg_v const&)::{lambda(pybind11::detail::function_call&)#3}::_FUN(pybind11::detail::function_call&) from init.cpp:0
```
and I fix it here by getting rid of `DontIncreaseRefcount` and using make_intrusive to do the ref count handling instead.  However, I also had to move the constructor to be public, which I think is not good, based on the reasoning of the original PR

The other one type is
```
Traceback (most recent call last):
  File "/var/lib/jenkins/workspace/test/test_testing.py", line 2415, in test_no_warning_on_import
    self.assertEqual(out, "")
  File "/opt/conda/envs/py_3.10/lib/python3.10/site-packages/torch/testing/_internal/common_utils.py", line 4233, in assertEqual
    raise error_metas.pop()[0].to_error(  # type: ignore[index]
AssertionError: String comparison failed: "/opt/conda/envs/py_3.10/lib/python3.10/s[352 chars]):\n" != ''
- /opt/conda/envs/py_3.10/lib/python3.10/site-packages/torch/distributed/__init__.py:29: FutureWarning: pybind11-bound class 'torch._C._distributed_c10d.FakeProcessGroup' is using an old-style placement-new '__init__' which has been deprecated. See the upgrade guide in pybind11's docs. This message is only visible when compiled in debug mode.
-   if is_available() and not torch._C._c10d_init():

To execute this test, run the following from the base repo dir:
    python test/test_testing.py TestImports.test_no_warning_on_import
```
which I fix by getting rid of the `__init__` which I think is ok since it'll just error if you try to make one?

Pull Request resolved: pytorch#165479
Approved by: https://github.com/ezyang