$ whoami
huxley
$ echo $STACK
Android / Kotlin / TypeScript / React Native
$ echo $STATUS
"works on my machine" certified
$ echo $LOCATION
Australia, probably fighting Gradle somewhereI build mobile apps, break mobile apps, fix mobile apps, then wonder why the build cache is 47GB.
My natural habitat is somewhere between:
- writing Kotlin that looks clean until the product manager enters the room
- explaining that React Native is not just “React but phone”
- staring at a failing CI job that passes locally because computers are haunted
- creating side projects that definitely will not consume my entire weekend
- pushing tiny fixes with commit messages like
final final actual fix
Mental Build: FAILED
Gradle Build: MAYBE
TypeScript Build: COMPLAINING
Android Studio: INDEXING FOREVER
Coffee Dependency: REQUIRED| Thing | Relationship status |
|---|---|
| Kotlin | Healthy, stable, emotionally available |
| Android | Long-term relationship with occasional crash reports |
| TypeScript | Toxic but useful |
| React Native | “It should work on both platforms” famous last words |
| Gradle | Ancient forbidden machinery |
| GitHub Actions | YAML-flavoured roulette |
| npm | Downloads the entire internet to render a button |
class Huxley : Developer() {
val languages = listOf(
"Kotlin",
"TypeScript",
"JavaScript",
"Whatever config file this is"
)
val specialties = listOf(
"Android apps",
"React Native apps",
"Making UI behave",
"Turning caffeine into APKs",
"Debugging bugs I created 4 minutes ago"
)
fun shipFeature() {
while (testsAreFailing()) {
blameCache()
cleanBuild()
questionCareer()
}
println("LGTM 🚀")
}
}"Why is this null?"
"That should not be possible."
"Let me just clean rebuild."
"It is probably a cache issue."
"Who wrote this?"
"Oh. I wrote this."
"React Native moment."
"Gradle is doing Gradle things."