I am with Laura now..... she is going through her massive amount of belongings and throwing things away and giving me stuff back.... we had to start a box.. it's sad..... we're calling it the break-up box..because that's what it feels like is going on. I'm a sad human.

I got some movies and my Bob Marley CDs and some clothes back.....and my bubbler....and I should be happy but it's pretty much depressing me. All my people are leaving. Awwwwwww:(

I want to move out west.
I want to stop being a workaholic and just leave here one day.
I'm so tired and annoyed and bored of fucking Minnesota.



Someday, I'm gonna do it.

Ah. And I don't know if I ever wrote this particular thought in here back in the day or not (this is waaaay off the last subject), but there was a point in time when I was considering just marrying my self. And I figured out a way...
I'm just gonna tattoo my ring finger. (One Love).
I'm prepared for the pain, and excited.
Also the neck tattoo will probably hurt but I don't care I'M FUCKIN DOIN IT.
Hopefully six months will pass and I will have both. I'm starting to roll in the dough if you know what I'm sayin.

[

mood

|

boredtothemax

]

Laura Hart and I are going to make her basement into a makeup/photo studio. If you want someone to put lots of tight makeup on you and dress you up tight then you should let me hook it up. we will make you look fly.


anyways. my life is boring.
i work a million days a week and i really need to do the laundry.
ooooh also for all of you who like to pry, yes, i am late paying rent.
again.
surprise surprise.

i am on the right path of money having now, or "on the straight and narrow" like my grandpa says.
woo.

i dont really know what to say.
i have this song stuck in my head and no one would understand because no one knows it.

[

mood

|

confused

]

i woke up this morning with bruises on my palm.

i have no idea how this happened, all i remember is texting shaggy and then passing out on my couch sometime before 10 pm.

my mind has officially been boggled.

[

mood

|

fine

]

im so happy, but i am drained as hell. im tired. im sick all the time. i dont know what to do.

and apparently (according to wells fargo)i am laundering money through my bank account to help the terrorists. but im NOT, they just decided to say that so they could put a "hard-hold" on my bank account.
well, thanks.
thank you, wells fargo, for driving me up the damn walls.
id like my $700 back now........\\
wtf.

so, im going to bitch for a second.

im miraculously losing weight for no reason,
im sick all of the time,
i have no ativan. i ditch my friends to go home and cry.
i have giant bags under my eyes (thank god i work with makeup and hair),
i cant sleep for more than 2 concurrent hours,
my bank thinks im trying to help the terrorists,
my account is frozen therefore i am broke and cant be un-hungry.
im HUNGRY,
my mother hates me,
spent my savings and has the nerve to pick fights with me about money and college.
i can barely stand to look at myself more than once daily,
i miss my best friend.

.
.
.

and now im going to un- bitch.

i have a job and get a paycheck.
the friends i didnt fuck up are great.
i have an aunt and a cousin who love me.
im not all fucked up because of drugs or alcohol.
i am becoming more and more rational on the daily.
i can still think and talk for myself.
i can still walk, see, and hear.
i can still learn.
i can still write and draw and take pictures.
i still have morals.
im starting to care a little bit about myself.
im starting to care less about the "should-have" and the "what-if"
and more about the "WHAT IS."
i can still laugh.
i can still smile.

this is really. really. hard for me.



im okay.
i just gotta keep moving.

sooooo. last night was crrrraaazzy.
lauralie quit smoking cigarettes so now the "ash tray" in her room is cleaned out and called the "Cash tray"-
the Cash tray has like a cm thick layer of "Cash"

too bad its not cash money.
and yeah.]
yesterday i got drunk in the middle of the day while wearing a creepy black wig.
then i went to karis graduation party.
then we started the cash tray.



ps, i have a job.
im getting a house.
i pay my own phone bill.
and i am picking my own health insurance plan.

so how does it feel to be an adult now?

ps again. its a big, exciting "IF" :
REFUGEE MISSION NUMBER ONE: New York City.
bombbbbbbbbb as helll.
big if.

It's official.

yeah, its hard to accept peoples help. because they understand the problem. but their solution is to expose you to the origin of the problem on a much more regular basis.

problem: extreme anxiety and uneasiness due to the lack of respect in the place i am supposed to refer to as "home".
moms solution: come home all the time so i can see how you act. and then yell at you for crying.



i hate having emotional problems. because everytime something fucked up happens and i get upset over it..in my moms eyes. nothing fucked up happened, and im just upset because im on drugs or not taking the meds they have me on.

fuck.

I have a meeting with Dude who is the real principal. Peter.....something.

Life update:

Scarlett and Jay and Kari and Lauralie and Siobhan and Charity Pease and Lalin and Pablo and Erick Stee and John John and Maggie and Squinty all still RULE.\

Gwen still gets my ass in her face.

Cadex is on some wierd shit, as with my mother and Mrs. Morgan.

I like Fiery Jabanero Doritos, and chronic.

I also miss getting drunk off of Jose Cuervo with Pablo and Lalin.

My dad wont give me my FUCKING ATIVAN. I havent had any in like....a week. and THAT is NOT COOL.

Aaaaaand! I got new pants.

Alright.

I'm done now, That was like....everything important I think.

J and John decided today that one day they are going to come to school one day dressed like women. Its going to freak me out a little bit. Because J doesnt dress like a woman. and John is not a woman. so Snap.

I had a horrible morning, nothing was going my way and I had to wear a skirt to school because all of my pants are dirty as hell. I gouged a chunk of skin out of my leg when I was shaving lazily-fast in the shower that I sort of took. Had a 3 minute appointment with my therapist, and yeah.

It's all good now though, I'm in a better mood, I had some fiery habanero Doritos that I love....and yeah. Now I'm getting ready to call my mommy and go to Kari's house....and then go get Lalin at work and walk home with him, and me and him are going to chill, and then J is going to come home and then I don't know what is happening. I'm almost positive I'm staying there tonight, or my aunt's house.

I feel like shit about my life right now but I feel good about all of the people I let remain in it. So it's a step, now I just have to wait for school to end and my birthday to come. Then everything will be gravy.

If you want my other online journal address you should ask, I don't write a lot of what really happens in this one anymore.

Peaces.

[

mood

|

you know.

]

youre a fucking asshole.
lets waste TWO MONTHS of this girl's life because i cant mumble, write, yell, cry...that im done.

im done.

how hard is it?

im done.

you fucking lied your ass off to me telling me you were going to write, we were going to talk, we would get through it, you wanted to work it out. you fucking lied. you have no idea how much i want to hate you. it would have hurt both of us a lot less if you could have just fucking told me that instead of bullshitting me for a fucking span of two months.

that was the biggest waste of life i have ever experienced, and it sucks to know that HE was the one who wasted it. i dont appreciate it when people that i love fuck me over. but it seems to me that the people i love are the ONLY people who fuck me over.




my week:

monday: extreme moody sadness depression dark cloud only over me day.

tuesday: j jackson gets kicked out day, gael dents bathroom door throws housekey at anyas face hits her in the eye gets lunged at by anya with her hands going towards my neck beat the fuck out of her until john rodriguez jay my aunt AND lalin either get their hands on me or get in between us, at which point i am screaming DONT EVER FUCKING COME AT ME LIKE THAT YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. while in the process of getting out of everyones grip and still kicking and punching anya. cops get called shit gets moved get high go home pass out.

wednesday: horrible anxiety day, end up leaving school and watching anime at lauralie's house all afternoon then going to js new place of living which is pablo's apartment.

thursday: 420, ditch school get baked as hell kick it at pablo's (the only actual good day this week) crash at pablos.

today: wake up and listen to damien marley while i lay on the floor. find out that uriah james lynch wasted two fucking months of my fucking stupid pointless life that im trying to make unstupid and have a point but that fucking set me back far as hell and now im pissed at him and am trying my hardest to hate him with everything i have because he fucking lied to me about some serious shit, and thats not fucking cool.

all i ever get is lied to.
this proves it, i should give up


but i hope that anya smith knows that i was going to kill her, and if i hadn't been held back by j jackson and a big ass army dude that she would have died on tuesday night.

anyways, so my week has pretty much kicked ass
hah. no.



so thanks uriah. i really appreciate the fact that i could have been trying to get over you for two months, but you couldnt fucking say what you were thinking. so i sat there worrying about you, and your mind state, and your family, and the fate of the relationship that saved me once but is now eating away at my self-worth.
thanks a LOT.

happy fucking friday.

snapppp.
i am sooo blasted from this morning still.
joint at the house. halfie in the car. joint in the car. joint at the stee residence.

i slept not at home last night because my mom worked.




mrs. morgan dropped like half a thing of cpcakes on scarlett and her backpack and her own self. and the ground.
that woman is the definition of insanity.

i am having a strange thought in my head
huh. maybe it will happen......heh heh.

not home. not alone.



















snap diddely

[

mood

|

goofy.

]

yesterday sucked pretty much. as soon as i walked out of the door at school i felt a hundred times better, and then i biked to J's house from creative arts in 25 minutes. it felt really awesome, but i was all gross when i got there and decided to change my clothes.

and fucking anya let prahja out of Js room, it scared the fuck out of me because i thought she got out, and i was really really pissed. then J got back. then we biked to get bud. i was proud of myself, i can ride without my hands again and now i can turn corners without my hands again. i havent been able to turn corners without my hands since the eighth grade.

then kari came over, and we got baked.

i left at like 9.30 to catch the bus, and was seriously retarded. i called the busline before i left the house to make sure the bus came at 9.45 so i could meet lalin downtown at 10....then i got to the stop and read the morning times so i thought i missed it, cause it said 9.30 or 10.00. so i sent him a text like damn im sorry ill be there asap. and then the bus came at 9.45 and i was like....what the hell.

so then i tried to get the bike rack down and i couldnt do it, then i did it and couldnt get my bike on it, and then i got on the bus and got lectured by the bus driver about how i should put the front wheel where the latch is so it wouldnt turn or fall if there was a big bump.

then i got downtown and couldnt get my bike off the rack. then the rack was heavy and i tried to put it up while leaning on my bike, and i almost fell. then i got it up and started walking away, and tripped over the curb. then i looked up and lalin was standing right there and i was like...shit. and felt slow and stoned as hell.

he waited for the bus with me, it was fun cause hes awesome.

then i went home, munched on some dry cinnamon toast crunch, wrote, bounced around and listened to MSI really loud for a while...took some ativan, and passed the fuck out. i woke up at 8.15 this morning really really confused. took a couple prozac, took a shower and biked to school. during cadexs class i walked to the SA on lexington and bought an icee with some of the emergency $5 that J gave me. and then i walked around and took photos.

i am having a good day for some reason. and im glad.

peaaaace.

soooo. today is not a good day, i have decided. i was a little bit retarded this morning, since then i have taken 2 prozac which have pretty much done nothing for me.

i feel crappy about my life and i am contemplating getting drunk tonight with j.

ted left half a bottle of chivas regalo there, and i hid it, i told j where i was going to hide it but she forgot apparently, because today at lunch she was talking about going to herges for a drink and i was like theres still half a bottle of scotch hidden in the armoir. and she was like dayum and i was like lets get drunk after school and she was like alright.

so yeah. and then i asked Lalin when he was going to come hang out with me, and he wrote me back like a half hour ago and was like "today." so yay.

and then my mom called in the middle of class while it was completely silent. she called john and talked to him about how his daughters make my life hell. he said that i said that the morning he told my mother to get the fuck out of his house, i only yelled at him because he woke me up and not because he was yelling at her. he also said that he and i have talked since then (which is a lie by itself) and that i said i cant wait to get out of the house because of her (i do want to get out of the house, so thats true. i love my mother, so that means the 2nd par tof the statement is false. its like a lie sandwich.)

it made me angry.

by the way- i figured this out over spring break.
if you are ever cold while you are trying to go to sleep, find two mexicans and get them to sleep on either side of you. you will no longer be cold, in fact, you will sweat because the two mexicans will make you so warm.
i learned this because pablo, me and lalin passed out on the futon in the music room together last week while eating strawberries n creme wheaties and listening to drunken anya play piano at 3 am.

the only thing that sucks about my semiplan to get drunk is that i have my bike. because im going to have to ride home drunk tonight, which is a bummer and not a bummer at the same time. because riding a bike while intoxicated is entertaining, time consuming, and a work out. a work out that i dont need. but a work out nonetheless.

i wonder how long it will take for me to ride a bicycle home from east st paul.