had an experience the other day and purposefully tested my ptsd, as i suspected i no longer suffer with cptsd due to my hard work daily on my mental health since 2000. well, i introduced myself purposefully to a blonde guy that was sharing space, to test my reactions. not great, but not horrible. still avoidance reaction, big time. but no ptsd nightmares. which is the result i was hoping for. still very,very intensely triggered by blonde females. fuck, the heart palps i get from even being behind blonde women. especially those with social power, i.e. tall, attractive, wealthier, with blonde friends (forget it!). this guy that i met, and then was officially introduced to by his dark haired friends, did trigger me but not horribly. it also has to do with shade of blonde. ash blonde and lighter is the worst for me (because of the csa by my ash blonde sibling). shades of strawberry blonde, in men, i can short term tolerate. but blonde blonde, i generally go with my shy instinct. it helps me so much to have colored my hair for years, trying all the shade groups on myself in an attempt to de-trigger my hair color triggers. and always coloring my hair with dark haired friends who liked staying a darker shade, added a healing element to my hair coloring.

i do now know, however, that coloring my hair lighter (that i only intended to try with friends), became a longer thing because i switched when i purchased hair color and colored my hair. i was not in control so much with those physical triggers back in college when i was facing all of the abuse for the first time with friends.

that may have been my little. she loved colors, soft furry things, and shopping. i hate shopping but she loved it. what helped me stop that self triggering trend of coloring my hair lighter, was when i moved out of the abusive home the first time and colored my hair the darkest shades i ended up trying. i could finally see only myself in the mirror, and myself the entire time. and not at all this unlined, fresh faced, chubby cheeked, pink cheeked little person. i think i saw her in the mirror once or twice while coloring my hair. the last couple of times, i could only see myself. and it was in a safer bathroom that i didn’t share daily with sibling or female parental unit.

anyway… still triggered by blonde blonde females, not as triggered by strawberry blonde males, but still blonde blonde males. haven’t tried, yet, strawberry blonde females. really don’t want to. that’s enough self triggering to test my ptsd for now. i unfortunately have to, periodically, when i think i’ve made progress, self trigger on purpose to test my symptom progress or not. i have severe enough health problems that limit my natural social interactions.

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disclaimer apparently necessary across all my blogs. anything i may have said online prior to what i have said this year, 2016, was obviously programming and brainwashing. that would account for the conflicting positive/negative stories about my past, conflicting statements, conflicting emotions, and blogs deleted with conflicting information that confused even me. that is what brainwashing and programming does.

i now have my eyesight back for the first time in my life. i didn’t lose my eyesight because of cataracts. even when i had cataracts in my eyes i was still able to drive. that never got bad at all. i had cataract surgery that relieved the cataract symptoms of small white spots in my vision. that is cataracts. the rest of my symptoms were not relieved as they should have been with new lenses. that is why i saw an optician again in 2013. my surgery was in 2010, my eyes still weren’t better in 2013, and Fibromyalgia would have had plenty of time to heal everything. when my eyes started getting worse in 2007/2008, i was still able to work and just assumed i needed glasses. but because of severe migraines didn’t want anything touching the sides of my head, as i had to wear a headphone set to talk to customers at my previous and last job. obviously, as that was my last job, and had to quit working for my health, my weird eyesight went on the back burner as i had a lot of life stressors with not working anymore. and then i developed cataracts, so thought the new lenses would fix my eyesight as they had all individuals i knew who had gotten new lenses. they did not. no cataracts, but everything else was the same… as confirmed by my eye appointment in 2013.

now my eyesight is better than ever. i can read in extremely low light again, even small print. i have tested every type of light, every size of print. i can see ingredient labels and read them clearly by the light of a street light! fuck yeah! so, what spontaneously removes a stigmatism, the need for bifocals, and near/farsighted problems overnight? nothing but getting your memories back of programming or brainwashing done as a child, that is directed at your right eye to reinforce the physical nature of the abuse (since i was right handed). done to the right eye for right handed, and left eye for left handed to compete with all future nurturing that is good.

my eyesight was not affected by age, i am only 41 and very healthy for the conditions that i have as i’ve always exercised greatly across my city and in my home (as well as done physical therapy daily since 2002). my eyesight was not affected by drug or alcohol use as i have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. both are documented, along with my severe fatigue. and any friend or person formerly in my life would back me up about my physical therapy, Hypoglycemic diet, Guaifenesin Protocol, focus on my health, inversion therapy, supplements, heating pads i carried on my back and head daily for upper body Fibromyalgia pain. and my finances for decades suggest a very healthy lifestyle. it’s all documented. also, the last time i went to the dentist i had no cavities. i am not old, never have been, as i’ve worked very hard on my health all my life to combat symptoms. happily. i love exercise, am a total tomboy, used to own a treadmill so i could keep walking in 13 layers of pants and 3 to 4 layers of neoprene braces. that’s the Fibromyalgia life. don’t speak on it, if you don’t live it. it is completely different from normal life, and you might step in it or put your foot in your mouth.

study nature/nurture and programming if you have any questions. and please do disregard anything and everything stated by the programmed part of my psyche. it was to the right, and now i am back in center. that is all you need to know.

Having just learned the terms to identify Nordic and Scandinavian TV, I am putting the wealth of information I learned here.
So much Drama TV I now have at my fingertips.  Here are the Nordic/Scandinavian/French/Romanian/British/Australian TV shows I have found recently (may be updating more countries and more shows, so much loveliness).  Some of these are Sci Fi, Period, or general Drama.  But the majority are Neo Noir.  Yum, Neo Noir!  At least these are the ones I find myself interested in, but more may be added.  If you liked True Detective, you might like the ones I've noted that I know are Neo Noir*.

In no order, country or area listed if I know it (will update with more accurate info as I watch it):

Unforgotten (British)
River (British but with Scandinavian lead)
Gitch (Australian)
Billions
Cordon (Belgian-Flemish)
Umbre (Romanian)
The Code
Borgen (Scandinavian)
Salamander (Belgirum)
Bron/Broen (Scandinavian)
Marcella
Les Temoins aka Witnesses (French)
Engrenages aka Spiral (French)
Mammon
Borgen (Scandinavian)
Modus
Beck (Swedish)
Thicker than Water
Occupied (Scandinavian, aired in Scandinavia, not UK or US)
Sundstol
Solsidan (Scandinavian)
1864 (Scandinavian)
Arvingerne aka The Legacy (Danish)
The Team (International)
Forbrydelsen aka The Killing (Scandinavian w/ Sofie Grabol)
Der Kommer en Dag (Scandinavian w/ Sofie Grabol & Lars Mikkelsen, in production)
1992 (British)
The Kettering Incident
Grand Hotel
35 Diwrnod
Marcella

Arne Dahl series (Scandinavian)

*Neo Noir in bold*