freyjalee

How did you blame yourself for the abuse?

This is a tough question.  

The blame didn't come till I was older. When I was young, there was so much abuse, sexual and non sexual, by so many adults in my life, the first memory feeling was shame.  Second would be the feeling of unworthiness, un-loveable, un-likable.  At the same time, from age 7 up, I was able to see the drug use, the sex that goes along with drug use, the fights that go along with alcohol/drug use and so on.  So there was a piece of me that knew they were the fucked up ones.  But as I got older, I did start to have self blame.  That came from a number of things 1. not saying NO once I was old enough to speak up (I don't agree with this today, but prior to healing, I did), 2. I started using the abuse to manipulate my abusers.  I knew they were going to take what they wanted, so I learned to get something from them. 3. The betrayal of my body receiving pleasure and my abuser taking that as me wanting it. 4. As a teenager I was attracted to older men and started to behave in a way to get their attention, sexually.  So yeah, I would say those are the main reasons I've blamed myself for my abuse at points in my life.  But I would not say today, I blame myself for any of the abuse, sexual or non-sexual, as a child, as a teenager or as an adult. 

This is where my struggle lies.  I don't have nightmares or flashbacks or struggle with body memories.  I have detachment, numbness, lack of joy.  I have the "perfect" life for once and I feel like I can't even enjoy it because I'm so detached.  I try to explain it to people and I don't know if I'm just not using the right words, but they don't get it.  I've explained it to my husband in and out of therapy and neither him nor our therapist fully understand.  I can look at countless pictures of me with many of my perpetrators and there is nothing - no anger, no hate, no rage.  I don't know if they are there, buried deep deep inside of me.  Or if I continue using survival tools that block the pain and anger.  Or maybe I don't have to go through anger, rage, and hurt to heal???  Whenever I spoke of/remembered my abuse, it was as if I were telling someone else's story, I didn't connect with the words that I was saying.  This is a form of survival - disconnection, compartmentalizing my life.  It keeps the pain away, but it is not selective - this plays out in the good in my life as well.  So I don't connect with people in my life.  I don't connect with the special moments.  I miss out on a lot of joy.

How have you been afraid of yourself?

-unable to trust myself. Ex: sleeping with people I never intended to sleep with. Not being able to say no sexually. 

-continuing behaviors I would promise myself that I would not partake in. Smoking weed ‘when I didn’t want to’ (I don’t care if I smoke weed when I’m ok with me smoking it. But smoking when I don’t want to/tell myself I’m not going to)

-when I just don’t care about myself physically. Smoking, vaping, not taking care of myself, not going to the doctors, not being open with the doctor

-allowing people to take advantage of me. Not saying no, or speaking up for myself, putting other people’s feelings/needs before mine.

-when I’ve felt intense anger and had no way of releasing it

To whom do you want to talk to about the abuse now?

-My husband

-My therapist

-My 12 step SIA group

-Whomever I choose

The above are all open to me talking to them about it, that isn't the issue.  The issue is me not being able to.  I'm not sure what the issue is, it isn't anything new, it has always been this way.  Obviously therapist and SIA is there for this exact reason.  My therapist is aware of the sexual abuse, and that I feel it has had a huge impact on me as a person and that I am on a journey to work through this, yet, it has not stuck as a topic of discussion.  Actually, nothing has, but I'm not wasting my time journaling about that!  In SIA, everyone shares about their experience, strength, struggles and hopes.  But I don't.  I pass 98% of the time.  The 2% that I do share, I struggle through it.  The shame takes over.  I feel my face get hot and red, all I feel is exposed.  Once this starts, there is no going back, I forget what I was going to share, share as if I'm news reporting, it's as if that false self takes over.  And my "false self' was 'being invisible' which is quite hard to do when you're in the middle of sharing in a room of 7-15 people.  When I share with my husband (or anyone) I am very detached from what I am sharing and again, my false self  takes over and there is no sharing after that.  I go straight into self protection mode.  The need to hide myself, shield myself from those around me, to pull that veil of  secrecy/protection back over me.

I do try to nurture myself.  I have my hobbies that I am starting to get back into.  I exercise and try to eat healthy.  I try to do things for myself.  Always looking for ways to better myself, which I feel is a form of nurture - to nurture those things that make me, me.  

Reaching out for support would be a NO.  I attend SIA - 12 step meeting for Survivors of Incest.  I get to hear other survivors struggles and hope and I get to share...when I can bring myself to.  And I go to premarital counseling with my fiancée.  But I do not have friends  or a sponsor/fellow traveler that I reach out to for support.  I usually hold it in till it just spills over and I share with my spouse or my adult daughter.  I could say that I go to her for support.  

Am I in touch with my feelings now?  Definitely not.  This is one of the biggest issues with my abuse.  As I've mentioned, I don't struggle with flashbacks, etc.  My struggle is my disassociation with myself and those closest with me. Which is because I am not in touch with my feelings.  I feel like I go through life emotionally flatlining.  I'm not in touch with my anger, which I feel is a good thing, but I am also not in touch with my happiness.  I have so much in my life to be excited about, to appreciate, to look forward to.  But because I am so detached, I just go through the motions in life and don't get to experience the joys.  

I've watched all three of my children turn 18, graduate High School, one go off to the Army and get married, return home from the Army, and countless other 'life's high's' and through it all, I was numb.  I got engaged 6 month's ago, moved in with him, changed jobs for less stress, planning a honeymoon in Hawaii.  There is nothing in my life at this moment that I can complain about, but do I walk around, happy, experiencing this precious moment??  No, I'm flatlined.  I would feel the same inside if all things were struggling.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to feel happiness.  I want to feel the love that is surrounding me.  

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!!

There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we were in the act, I would regress.  When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual triggers.  Waking up to someone touching me sexually was a big one for a long time.  My partners learned that one real quick.  Giving oral was definitely a trigger.  Receiving oral would cause me to regress.  And again, even though, I enjoyed it, there was always this underlined checkout/regression/timid side of me that would come out.  

For many years, I felt as if I were numb, sexually.  My sexual body parts did not feel the sensations like it does today.  I was unable to orgasm — I think when you train your body to not respond for so many years, it takes a lot of recovery to get it back.

The sexual abuse caused me to be promiscuous for many years of my life.  Having sex with someone I just met or didn't even like was not unusual for me.  If someone was persistent enough, I'd go along with it. 

Step I/Question VII:  How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body?

For one, the abuse made me HATE MY BODY.  I will write on this after.

For two, the abuse made me HATE ME.  I hated myself so much.  I hated everything about me.  On top of all the sexual abuse, my mom was an alcoholic/drug addict who would beat and abandon my brother and I, until my dad got custody of us when I was 6.  My dad was an alcoholic/drug addict who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive/was neglectful.  He had a live in girlfriend who was a hard core alcoholic/coke head who was very abusive — including physical abuse.  There was constant random abuse.  And on top of ALL this, there was the sexual abuse.  For those new to my writings, 3 incestual relations for 10 years, 1 incestual relation short term, 2 guys/1 night of sexual abuse age between 8-12, and one 3 month long relation with an adult male at age 14. 

(TW)  

Growing up, in additional to the taboo/secret sexual abuse that was happening, there was a lot of out in the open sexual abuse that went on as well.  My dads girlfriend would walk around naked ALL the time, there were polaroid pictures of her all the time, naked.  Sometimes by herself, sometimes performing sexual acts with my dad, sometimes her and her best friend, and the best friend's boyfriend.  She had a 'sugar daddy' who she would visit, have sex with and get her drugs from.  She would come back with polaroid's of that and tell my dad all about it in front of my brother and I.  She would participate in wet t-shirt contests at the bars — I would have to hear all about that. Hear about her sex with my dad and everyone else she was having sex with.  Her and my dad would have sex in front of us. Her friend and her boyfriend would have sex in the room with the door open in front of us.  The best friend and her would have sex on the bed with the door open in front of us.  

As a teen, I was always the only female.  Family and friends were male.  My dad had a monthly subscription to Playboy, which sat on the coffee table.  I got to hear every perverted comment made by the guys who would flip through it when visiting.  My dad had the Spice channels, so the living room constantly had porn playing.  Again, hearing all the comments and perversion, and walking out into the living room with anyone masturbating at any time.  

When out and about with my family or watching tv, they would see young girls and say what they would want to do to them or whatever perverse thought was going through their mind. 

All of the above made me hate my body.  It made me constantly compare myself to these other females and to never match up.  I've always felt like there are males, there are females, and there is me.  I never felt like a girl, like a woman.  I am hypervigilant when it come to young or pretty girls around my spouse.  As far back as I can remember.  When we are out and about or watching tv, I am constantly on the look out for a pretty/sexy/young girl that my spouse may see, and when there is one, I feel shame inside.  Like I am less than.  I avoid going places with my spouse, where I know there will be beautiful girls — no beach, no concerts, etc.  I say the meanest things to myself. As if a person's self worth is solely based on their looks.    It is so shitty to feel and live this way.  I've always been told that I am beautiful/attractive, but I have always seen myself as the ugliest person in the world.  And what does it even matter???  There aren't enough words to say how the abuse has affected me and how or even how much I hate myself/my body.

And all this doesn't even touch on how the abuse has affected me as a person.  All the screwed up shit I've done, all the screwed up shit I've allowed others to do.  How warped my perception is.  How I am unable to love/be loved. Unable to be present.  Unable to be healthy and make healthy choices.  The list goes on....

Step I/Question VI:  Do you isolate yourself? If yes, how?

I don't normally look at it as 'I isolate myself'.  I just happen to spend a lot of time alone/with very limited people.  

The only people in my circle are my three children and my fiance.  I don't talk to my family and since ending unhealthy relationships with past friends and my children's family, I haven't made any new friendships.  Now that I am engaged, I do have new people in my life, his adult children, his friends and his family.  But I don't really talk to any of them outside of when we are all hanging out.  All that to say, outside my adult children and fiance, I don't have friends/family.  So this makes it easier to spend a lot of time alone.  

I started a new job 2 months ago, I am the ONLY person in the office.  I have Vice President's who are my 'boss' and come into the office maybe once a week for a meeting or to sign checks.  So now I am alone all day/all week at work — I'm starting to feel like this may not be a good thing.

Sometimes I accept invitations to attend something, and then when the day/time comes, I either end up being super late, or cancel all together.  It can even be something that sounded good and I was looking forward to, but when the time came, I'd just rather be home  or not be there— especially if I will have the house to myself :) 

I do select isolation when in a group setting.  I will find a tucked away spot to be and not have to interact.  If I can't get away physically, then I will disengage from the conversation. Letting everyone else talk.  If necessary, I will throw in an occasional uh huh or that sounds interesting.  But I do not engage in the conversation, even when it is something that I can relate to or have input on.  I always feel like I'm doing this by choice, but when the time comes when I really should be participating in the conversation (still getting to know my fiancé's adult children and trying to interact is painful) I can't find a way to engage/participate.  And it is an awful feeling.

Step I/Question V: Do you act out your pain by self-injury, overeating, drugs, etc?

My family smoked pot, so I was smoking by 7th grade.  At 15 my cousin gave me my first line of speed, which ended with me in rehab by age 20.  I haven't done speed since, but I have on and off turned to weed to escape life.  

My drug addition was short but did a lot of damage.  Over the course of it, I lost 3 apartments, 3 cars, been homeless, had 3 children by age 21, had two of them taken for 6 months, and lost out on years of working towards an education or bettering my life.  

In and out of my addiction, I participated in a lot of other self harming behaviors due to my sexual abuse. I slept with many people I wouldn't have slept with (wrote on this is a previous post).  I stayed in relationships I should have, some physically abuse, some emotionally abusive.  I allowed abuse people to be part of my life, till I was healthy  enough to cut them out.  

My self hate and unworthiness has kept me from living the life that I deserve to live and to enjoy it.

At times, I participate in risky behavior.  Whatever that may be at the moment - from smoking to affairs, to acting out sexually with my partner or by myself.