I am!

Anyhow, a short and sweet entry just to say that I never really know how to pace myself these days... I tried to set up a routine these past few months, and honestly, it hasn't worked at all. I think I went way too ambitious, and I'm slowly realizing that I can't fit in a day everything I want to, part of the problem being I'm a huge lazy fuck. But I'll keep working on it, and honestly, I hope that by later this year, I'll have managed to keep to it a bit better than right now.

This month, I have a few very important appointments regarding my transition, and I can't wait to be over with them. I really want things to speed up now that I got started, but I always have to be patient, and it's eating me inside! But I know I'll get there, I just need to wait.

Still haven't decided whether I'll keep using this LJ or switch over to Dreamwidth... The reason why I'm so conflicted is because Dreamwidth seems more convenient, as everyone switched to it back in the day, but now that I got started on Russian, I'm telling myself that staying on LJ seems nice? Because there are a lot of posts in cyrillics, and although I don't understand much for now, it could turn out to be good practice...
Maybe I'll make a DW account and see for myself. If it doesn't suit me, I'll stay here!

Well, I've been thinking quite a lot about this little old Livejournal recently. Mostly, what do I want to do with it? I've been thinking I'd like a little place online to jot my thoughts down every now and again, maybe write about lifestyle stuff I've been doing recently to take better care of myself. It's just little things really, like trying new hair products, buying myself some clothes or trying to get back in shape, but it's helped me in the past to keep track of my progress, so why the hell not?
I've been hesitating between using this Livejournal again, making a new one, or making a Dreamwidth instead. I'm still thinking about it, but in the meanwhile, I'll use this one.
I've been having a lot of thoughts about branding myself online, and that'll have to be through a username I can use as an artist. A platform on Livejournal would make no exception. I actually hate that I have to do that, but... it's the most efficient way to group my accounts together, so I'll have to sit on that thought.

Anyhow, this week I'm going back to school on Monday and Tuesday, for the first time of the year so far. I couldn't manage with health and classes so far in January, and I'm gonna try to slowly ease it into my habits. But my main focus will be on finding a school for next year, and honestly it looks like it'll be a hastle, but I'll take little steps this week, by actually going into the unis whose programs I'm interested in, and asking people directly. I hope it'll go well.

For now, I'd better go to bed because I have no clue if I'll be able to wake up on time tomorrow...

I took the painful decision to quit school.
After a week of excruciating stress for a group project I just turned in last night, I think I have never been this tired in my life. I feel worn out, drained. Anxiety creeps in every corner of my skin, making me unable to appreciate anything other than the soothing smoke of a joint. I feel ashamed of what I'm turning in, I feel like I'm lacking respect to my other group members and to some teachers I care about.
But really, I can't do it anymore. I don't even know if I ever was able to make it work, really. School has made me feel miserable my whole life. My whole life has revolved around school. I've always been a student. It's almost as if it became part of my identity, to a point where I couldn't project myself being something else, even when I was out of school. And I don't think it's ever truly made me happy.

The happiest I've ever been in school was my first year of college. I had finally graduated high school after struggling with that, and felt better about myself and my abilities. Plus, I was studying something I truly loved, to a rhythm that sure was tough, but doable. Since then, though, it has only become harder and harder to keep up, to a point where I'm not enjoying the least bit what I do. Let's not even talk about subjects I'm failing.
And at this point, I really feel like if I'm going to respect myself, quitting is the only option. Continuing like this, feeling miserable, pushing aside all of the other things I want in life just to get a diploma - a fucking piece of paper -, butchering my physical and mental health... It can't go on. I don't want this to go on anymore.
So I'm quitting.
I have no clue what's ahead of me. But I want to shape something of my own, even if there are hardships along the way. I want to feel a bit more free. School has alienated me enough, calculating my worth into grades, making me compete with others, devouring all of my free time with homework. I'm done.
For now, considering my situation, my parents will still afford my expenses until I'm 25 and stay in school. That's what their divorce agreement keeps them liable for. So I'm going to try to not get kicked out of my school for this year (besides, it's a private school and the year's already been paid for), and enjoy the classes I still care about, but not pressure myself into going to the ones that are too stress-inducing.
Next year, I'm going to be sending applications for other schools. Schools that are public, not private, for one: that's a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Also, schools that won't pressure my attendance to class and where the mental charge of homework is much less important. Those are my only criterias, really. I'll be sending mainly applications for fine arts, in hopes of getting into a master's right away, but if I don't make it, I'll try out a bachelor's in something else I vaguely like, anything that'll keep me interested 'til I'm 25. Probably a third language or anthropology/sociology or something.

For now, I think my brain hasn't really registered that it's over. I still feel weary although I've turned in my damn project. I'm not going to school from Wednesday on next week. Going to take a break that I've more than earned and try to work on some of my personal stuff. If I've got 3 years ahead of me, might as well use them to pursue what I really like, and start working on illustrations or comics to make a bit of money, even if it doesn't pay my rent until a long while later.

On a more positive note, I've been to two concerts the past weekend: Gorillaz and King Krule. Both were great. I really love the way music makes me feel, and I think I've missed it a lot more than I can give it credit for. I want to get involved in it again. I don't know how yet, but this is something that's been in the back of my head for months now. I want to make music again. I want to be able to make music with my friends. I don't think it's impossible. I just gotta pick it up all over again and try my best.

I'll just end this post on some of King Krule's lyrics because they are on point with what I'm going through.

Yeah, the title pretty much sums up what I've been up to.
I skipped school all this week, and I might as well skip the entire week. And I feel, well, shitty. I'm able to get things done, in fact, a lot of things... I started practicing anatomy again, and started writing a big fic. But school work is somehow a suffering to put up with. I can't even work for more than 10 minutes straight on 3D. As far as 2D goes, well, I did get done my last Environment assignment fairly efficiently, but that was it. Because the group project I'm in really scares me more than anything.
And on Saturday, I'm leaving to go to Liam's parents' house, which I should be excited for, but well, school anxiety awaits. Same goes for Gesture Drawing Night which I signed up for, and the 2 concerts I got tickets to go to this month.

I'm hoping to get as much done in the days to come, though, because November sounds like a big hell to put up with, but after that, it should calm down a bit. At least, we won't have this hellish 3D project to make us stumble... And I hope next year's school projects are a bit more interesting.
The big project we'll be working on is "sci-fi Game of Thrones", and yes, we'll have 3D to do, but at least the theme sounds fun, I guess? I'd love to do some psychedelic sci-fi, like Moebius's works, or the Kaiba series, but I don't know if it'll be allowed.

Anyway, I'm just rambling to say, I need to get my work done, but procrastination is the only way to keep myself alive it seems lol.
Can't wait for this cursed trimester to end. And hoping to do better once these projects are over with.

VERY LONG TIME NO POST, I know. Well, the reason I'm posting here is because I'm trying to get into journaling a little, hoping it'll allow me to cope with my stress a little.

These past few days, no, I can even say months... I've been feeling an aching stress, and it's been eating me up. I do my best to fight it, but I just need a little pressure to tighten the knot from time to time, and I can end up in tears. It's a mess. I don't know if I've ever been this anxious before, maybe in high school... But I really don't want this to become a regular state of mood.
So, although I don't know what exactly is causing me all of this stress (but school might be a good educated guess orz), I'll try my best to stay on top of everything and not crack down. First of all, because I can't afford to do so: I have school to attend, and I need very badly to finish my studies, at least for my mother who always believed in me to get a diploma, no matter what it takes. It's the very least I could do for her. And, on the side, try to perfect what I love to do, hoping one day to make a living off of it. Meanwhile, try to take care of myself, my dysphoria, and my social difficulties.

I think what hasn't helped one bit, this past year, has been frequenting people who make me feel like shit from time to time, and although they did apologize afterwards, I've come out of this terribly wounded. And I'm still trying to learn to let go and to take care of myself. It comes and goes, but I hope I'll make improvement in overcoming this.

Also, this might seem like a bit out of topic, but I've been trying to go vegan for a while now. And I still have an extremely long way to go, but... I'll keep trying til I make it. So far, the big challenges to take out of my life are cheese, honey, leather, and some cosmetics. But taking out meat wasn't that big of a deal, although I still end up eating some because my roommates bring some from time to time, or my mother gets me some (although I'm trying to make her understand I don't want to eat that :x).
I think what was the deal breaker for me was that I realized I can't earnestly say I love animals when their suffering is in my fridge or what I'm wearing.
Honestly, I'm still struggling hard enough with my anxiety-related issues (having trouble to go towards people and talking to them, being painfully shy, being hurt easily when others show me that they don't trust me, etc...) to be strongly involved politically, but I want this to change as well... I don't see myself ever becoming a big activist, but I want to help. If anything, with the stories I write.

So, after two months of failure, with the Sketchember and Inktober I've failed to participate in, I'm going to try to take part in the NaNoWriMo this year again... Hoping I can make it. I think it'll do me good to accomplish something, even if it's very rough-drafty, and even if I don't reach the word count. Although I'll try my very best to make it there, even if the words I count aren't for the same text and I count in my research in that.