flamesword

Most of you know I've been struggling with health, depression, life and identity issues for a long time, but especially the last couple of years. The last six months in particular have been kind of brutal. The health issues are going to continue to be a problem, but as for the rest of it...I've been having trouble sleeping, and doing a lot of heavy thinking when I can't.

I think too much generally (as anyone who knows me very well can attest), and the last few weeks I've barely felt sane, but - I'm getting somewhere. The pieces of my broken mirror are starting to come together, slowly but surely, melting into a whole again. At one point in the middle of such thinking last night, I was scribbling some thoughts on paper, which I rarely do, but they felt worth saving:


I'm so close. I am so close. I'm almost there. I can see it. I am going to make it.

I am a shooting star.

This long dark road is coming not to an end, but to a place of light. I can see now - I can see it. I'm almost there. I'm going to make it. I'm going to become, finally, something like myself. I'm going to stand up and be born. I will be heard. I have a voice. I'm going to find it, and I am going to use this voice. Utúvienyes!

And you. will. never. silence me again.

I will be watching from the shadows no more. I will not be sucked down into this dark. I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY.

I will be heard. And I am one of many. I will join my voice to a chorus of voices that is rising like a tide you cannot stop. You will hear us. In our many voices we say, I am real. I have value. I have the right to exist, and to make my own choices. I am a person, valid and whole; I am not broken. I do not need fixing. I have the right to be and live and love the way I am. And together we will be a wind to shake the stars.

I'm almost there. Almost. I can see it. I am going to make it.


This entry was originally posted at http://kiritylasrai.dreamwidth.org/127078.html. There are comments on original post.

So, I'm in the process of reorganising my lj so that it's easier for me to deal with, the plan being to become more active on lj again, so I'm doing a friends cut as well. I've already removed empty/inactive journals, people who never added me back, and so on, but I haven't cut anyone yet that has me mutually friended.

If I do, it's because I'm cutting almost everyone that's not in my current fandoms, unless I've known you for a really long time, and/or I enjoy your posts regardless of the subject.

Also, if I do cut you, it is not because I just don't like you. It's not because you post too much about RL. It's not because I disagree with you about a fandom issue. It might, however, be that you don't know how to use an lj cut, or that you are too fond of huge fonts and sparkly text.

Feel free to holler at me if you don't want to be cut, or if you were cut and you want to be added back. Also if you've been wanting to cut me and just needed an excuse, go ahead. I won't be offended.

I've gone ahead and made my journal properly friends only... I apologize for the rather extensive friends cut. In most cases, it's nothing personal, and if you'd like me to add you back, let me know. I've simply found life to be too busy and too stressful lately, and I just can't keep up with everyone, especially those of you I may like but don't really know very well. There are quite a few people whose journals I enjoy having on my flist for one reason or another, but feel guilty about keeping because I rarely have time to comment. If you are looking for fic and other creative things, please friend soracia instead.