the professional life
is really not that professional, i can come and go to work as i please, do what i feel like doing at my desk when i feel so inclined... really nobody watching over my shoulder to baby me or hold my hand. In fact currently I'm writting a piece of software which will become an integral component in a much larger piece of software for a very important system that will affect whether or not people's lives will be saved. And i'm doing that by myself, at my own pace, with little to no supervision, it feels good to just get a creative energy going and teach yourself new things, and come up with an idea that excites even the most veteran programmers you work with into having confidence in you, even though you are only an intern (thats why the handed the whole part of the project to me after i showed them my prototype).
So i've been working Mon-Fri, working out every single day after work, trying to sell my guitars and my laptops (all of which are not selling at all), and getting out with friends on the weekends. In other words i actually sort of have a life! Its rather enjoyeable, for the most part relaxing, it feels good... i feel like i have very little on my shoulders. Work is no big deal because i enjoy it, i get to spend my day learning, apply it immediately, at my own pace, and i don't have to take a test after... I love to learn, and this is the best way to do it in my opinion. I may not have a ton of friends anymore here in syracuse, but the few i do i really enjoy and they are probably the best friends i have anywhere. the working out is satisfying too, i love the feeling where you work your body to the very edge of being ill and you can't even move without falling over that edge. It just feels great to be in shape and i know its a huge deal these days to have a negative self image and never feel satisfied with what you've got to show, but i can honestly say i've got absolutely no problem with how i look, hey... i'd fuck me. And i hate how since everyone else hates how they look if one person does truly like how they look its considered cocky, i wouldn't accuse anyone who is happy with themselves of having a big ego... i wish more people could be happy with themselves because i've known my fair share of people who weren't happy with themselves even though they had alot going for them, and i could imagine many people could easily be happy with THEM.
in other not-so-news, apparently i still throw off that opinionated jerk vibe. A person i hardly know on a personal level at all was quick to point out the very same thing that many people in binghamton who DID know me on a personal level were all hating me for. they said ALL the same exact things.... practically in the same order, it was if they'd just read it off a post-it which is stuck to my forehead:
Opinionated
Stubborn
Loud
Obnoxious
Annoying
Offensive
figures, i've developed such an unbearable character that i can't even meet new people without them being able to classify me in 10 minutes.
it's not something i worry about so much here, because i do have my few friends who reassure me I am not those things and that I haven't changed all that much in their opinions, and they still think of me as a friend and so i'm grateful for that, plus I've got alot of other things here to do and keep busy with. Living with a family of four in a house with 2 bedrooms makes it so i really don't ever have a moment alone, and although the company isn't great, it is true that i don't like to be alone, and so that does wonders for my outlook, i don't have all this time to sit at a computer alone and think about all these things (the only reason i'm writing now is that every once in awhile i feel like it might be nice to someone out there to here how i'm doing, i haven't got a sure feeling that it is that way, but the possibility is enough for me to spare a moment every now and then and let my fingers fly.
i actually spend no time at the computer anymore... this is the longest i've been on my computer in 2 weeks, just typing this entry. It's mostly because its muggy and warm and it smells like ferret poo (ferret cage is right behind me... and i mean RIGHT there, if i move back an inch i'll run into it) and worst of all is that my computer desk is literally a piece of wood inside a closet. On my left is another computer desk, if i move my left elbow 8 inches i'll hit it. On my right is a wall, if i move my right elbow 10 inches i'll hit it. My desk is super tiny... and like i said... in a closet, and behind me a ferret cage... 0 inches to move. So if you didn't know this already... i'm mildly claustrophobic... and well you can imagine how sitting at my computer feels after about ten minutes (and trying to play guitar is.... well its actually more of an art finding a way to sit and hold the guitar without it hitting anything than actually playing it is)
getting out of my hole and chugging kool-aid now, my weekend is relatively free with the exception of some day errands, til next time, kawoooosh
So i've been working Mon-Fri, working out every single day after work, trying to sell my guitars and my laptops (all of which are not selling at all), and getting out with friends on the weekends. In other words i actually sort of have a life! Its rather enjoyeable, for the most part relaxing, it feels good... i feel like i have very little on my shoulders. Work is no big deal because i enjoy it, i get to spend my day learning, apply it immediately, at my own pace, and i don't have to take a test after... I love to learn, and this is the best way to do it in my opinion. I may not have a ton of friends anymore here in syracuse, but the few i do i really enjoy and they are probably the best friends i have anywhere. the working out is satisfying too, i love the feeling where you work your body to the very edge of being ill and you can't even move without falling over that edge. It just feels great to be in shape and i know its a huge deal these days to have a negative self image and never feel satisfied with what you've got to show, but i can honestly say i've got absolutely no problem with how i look, hey... i'd fuck me. And i hate how since everyone else hates how they look if one person does truly like how they look its considered cocky, i wouldn't accuse anyone who is happy with themselves of having a big ego... i wish more people could be happy with themselves because i've known my fair share of people who weren't happy with themselves even though they had alot going for them, and i could imagine many people could easily be happy with THEM.
in other not-so-news, apparently i still throw off that opinionated jerk vibe. A person i hardly know on a personal level at all was quick to point out the very same thing that many people in binghamton who DID know me on a personal level were all hating me for. they said ALL the same exact things.... practically in the same order, it was if they'd just read it off a post-it which is stuck to my forehead:
Opinionated
Stubborn
Loud
Obnoxious
Annoying
Offensive
figures, i've developed such an unbearable character that i can't even meet new people without them being able to classify me in 10 minutes.
it's not something i worry about so much here, because i do have my few friends who reassure me I am not those things and that I haven't changed all that much in their opinions, and they still think of me as a friend and so i'm grateful for that, plus I've got alot of other things here to do and keep busy with. Living with a family of four in a house with 2 bedrooms makes it so i really don't ever have a moment alone, and although the company isn't great, it is true that i don't like to be alone, and so that does wonders for my outlook, i don't have all this time to sit at a computer alone and think about all these things (the only reason i'm writing now is that every once in awhile i feel like it might be nice to someone out there to here how i'm doing, i haven't got a sure feeling that it is that way, but the possibility is enough for me to spare a moment every now and then and let my fingers fly.
i actually spend no time at the computer anymore... this is the longest i've been on my computer in 2 weeks, just typing this entry. It's mostly because its muggy and warm and it smells like ferret poo (ferret cage is right behind me... and i mean RIGHT there, if i move back an inch i'll run into it) and worst of all is that my computer desk is literally a piece of wood inside a closet. On my left is another computer desk, if i move my left elbow 8 inches i'll hit it. On my right is a wall, if i move my right elbow 10 inches i'll hit it. My desk is super tiny... and like i said... in a closet, and behind me a ferret cage... 0 inches to move. So if you didn't know this already... i'm mildly claustrophobic... and well you can imagine how sitting at my computer feels after about ten minutes (and trying to play guitar is.... well its actually more of an art finding a way to sit and hold the guitar without it hitting anything than actually playing it is)
getting out of my hole and chugging kool-aid now, my weekend is relatively free with the exception of some day errands, til next time, kawoooosh