The Outside World Ruined Me

Introduction

Eventually I knew I was going to come back and write about this topic. Well, if you did not know, I will share with you about how it describes me and the person that I am in general. I have lived for twenty-nine years now and as I grow older and older, I am beginning to understand myself more. I have been to places; I have seen and been around all kinds of people and I guess it is safe to say that most of them are not my cup of tea, and I am not prepared to share a table with them either, all because of interests, teachings and backgrounds.

Chapter 1: My character

You probably know by now the background I am from, since I had explained it to you from my first manuscript (Join me on this journey). Like I said, where I grew up is what has shaped me to be this individual am I today and I do not mean to be arrogant by saying that I am one extraordinary human-being. Well, I am. That shit is engraved in me, and I will forever thank God for that (And my parents too of course). You know, we get to judge other people through the simplest of things, like how they behave, the habits they carry, how intelligent they are and certainly what interests do they uphold. I have had friends along the way of life, a whole lot of them and I will tell you this buddy, most of them are not part of my life anymore, all because I feel like whatever they bring to the table does not really fascinate me and vice-versa. People will tell you that opposites attract but, in all honesty, opposites are just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I have realised that through my romantic relationships as well; when you find someone who is not on the same wavelength as you are, then I think that relationship is deemed to go nowhere. I really believe in the whole concept of ‘marry or date your best friend’, in that way you get to see whether there is growth with what ‘you-lot’ are doing or not. I am not going to say that I am a person that thinks they know it all, no. In fact, this all goes down to what I have been moulding myself to be along the years. If I had to give you a chance to spend at least three days with me then I think that is where you will find out about how much of an interesting character I am.

Chapter 2: My interests and hobbies

Time is precious and what we spend our time on has to at least be valuable or shed some sort of light in our lives. The greatest of human beings that have lived and who are still living all have certain interests in their lives and most of them have allowed that to bring success as well. For example, Fyodor Dostoevsky was an engineer before we knew him as this great writer and philosopher. Okay, well I know that all took place after he had to endure a great deal of struggles along the way, but like I said finding something you love which you are passionate about should definitely bring light in your life and that is exactly what happened to his. I feel like the world grants you much more blessings when you come with the right energy, especially when it can have a detrimental effect in other people’s lives as well. I mean there are five out of nine beatitudes that kind of make sense to me that Jesus Christ had said among his disciples and they were:

1. ”Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
2. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
3. Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
4. Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
5. Blessed are the peacemakers”

Quoted from the NIV version https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%205&version=NIV

The beatitudes being mentioned do bring a sense of balance if you had to analyse them carefully. I mean whatever that brings peace in this world brings us closer to a great existence; well at least that is how I feel. This brings me back to what I want to allude to in terms of my interests and hobbies in my life. I feel more alive doing something that can bring me either closer to God or peace within the society I live in. I love writing, I love making art or discovering the most prolific ancient artists and I also love listening and talking about music as well. Don’t you think that all the components mentioned make each and every one of us at ease, like there is no sense of war or argument in them, unless it is a good debate about an exceptional creation. That is the whole purpose of life, being involved in activities we know that can bring us together as human-beings and also give us an edge of making this world a better place. I would mention my love for sports as well, but I know that can create a bit of a dialogue towards other people. Does that matter though? I do not think so, because this right here is about me and what I feel is right.

There are five people who I look up to, and I also get a feeling that they themselves were/are not a fan of the outside world, namely:

Leonardo Da Vinci (Sculptor and a painter)

Friederick Nietzsche (Philosophical professor)

Stevie Wonder (Musician and record-producer)

Charles Bukowski (Poet and novelist)

RZA from Wu-tang clan (Rapper and record-producer)

I have watched documentaries and also read about the above mentioned and I tell myself that if I really want to be like these great individuals then something in my life has to give in and that is neglecting the life from outside, because there is no gain or benefit from it and definitely being a craftsman requires consistency. I mean I have always had this feeling about myself since a young age. Like some things you just cannot brush off, no matter how many years pass by, but some experiences help you to find yourself along the way just so you get to sharpen yourself. You see how monks live; that is exactly the type of training one needs, especially with the mind, because being involved in activities like writing or making any form of art; that monk shit is the key to the essence of life. Telling yourself that you aspire to become a certain something but not preparing yourself in a way, I feel like that is why we have so many fallen heroes and it is not like they were not good. They were. It was just a matter of not being able to find themselves whenever they got lost in the process and sometimes that scares me as well.

Chapter 3: Staying true to myself

I believe that I have come a long way and also taught myself a lot, which is actually admirable for someone who can come to me and be like “Can you show and tell me a thing or two about a certain topic.” and gladly I would be willing to do so, because nothing beats when we educate each other, especially about things that can benefit the society we live in. I grew up with a few friends that had older brothers and, in some sense, I was envious of that because I always used to see what the older brothers would do for them, but fortunately I had a loving father who had given me wise advice by saying: “Be the older brother that you always wanted to have.” and until this day, that shit stayed with me, man. I will forever cherish what was taught to me as well, especially the teachings of my father, the five men I have mentioned above, but most importantly what God has taught me in my life. It is fair to say that me being on the inside and trying to manipulate a way to find peace with myself has been working thoroughly, judging by what I have created, which is a safe space to express myself in different forms, whether with writing or digital artistry. That surely will carry me a long way and certainly is a get way to endless opportunities as well. I am one optimistic person, and I believe that if you put in an effort in any source of medium, then the universe pays you back; ten times more than the good you have invested. After all, no man was ever born with the intentions of doing bad, it is just the influence we attract from the energy outside, which I have been emphasising on.

Conclusion

Everybody has their own mantra and a way of dealing with things and mine is being isolated, by finding ways to release what is in my heart and mental. I want to perfect that. I know that I am the best version of myself when I am alone and I figured that will never change. I have been in situations where I try to be around people (at times it depends what type of people); it can be with work or play and that shit never really seems to work out. But then I have concluded that if I have something really interesting going on, then it is merely a self-discovery. I become happy doing stuff by myself, I do more, I find ways to solve situations, and I am definitely an encouragement to myself. I might sound like an egomaniac, but surely there are people who feel the same way as I do, and some have turned out to be a success. Those are my people, the ones who are not afraid to be judged by the ones outside. The ones who take initiative by themselves. We cannot revolutionise this world in the same way and that is okay, because we are not built the same. Go be your own man. Find whatever it is you know that will put you on the map but remember to never allow the outside world to ruin you.

To Live in Misery or Find Harmony

Introduction

This manuscript is basically a continuation of the previous one I had first released (Join me on this journey). Now remember I did mention to you that I having been working in the warehouse sector, the alcohol industry to be specific. I can tell you now, that has all changed. I am a free man now. Well, at least I feel like it. I had no choice. I was not happy. I was dying inside; every day of my life and I had to make one of the most difficult decisions, thus far. Most of you will read this and think to yourself “Wow. What an absolute fool.” But can you yourself bare that everyday pain of being in misery? I do not think so. Especially if I had to reveal the tragedies that took place in and out of the environment, I had been working and living in. Let me take you down memory lane and maybe, just maybe you will understand.

Chapter 1: The arrival

Back in 2023 October I had arrived in a place called Kuruman, located in the Northern Cape province. It was all new to me. From the distance to home, the people from here, the culture, the language, just everything. But I was prepared to make it work because my life at that moment had taken a different turn, one I had not anticipated. I will be honest with you; I was grateful for the opportunity when I got it. I actually told myself that as long as I am here, I will climb up the ranks within the company I have been working for. I mean that is what every individual with corporate ambitions hopes for. Yeah right, okay. It was now time for me to prove myself. I cannot lie to you, the first three months were not so good. I was struggling within my position, and I remember the line manager coming to me and saying: “Look buddy, you have not been doing so well upon your arrival, and I will not have much of a choice but to release you if you do not get it right.” I was really afraid to lose the job at the time because of the situation at home. I have a little sister that I am supposed to take care of and her being in school and looking up to me as well just gives me goosebumps; it still does. But I am a much-determined person. Like I tell myself that I cannot fuck shit up because my folks are looking down on me and expect that I raise up to each and every adversity I come across. But as time went along, I got used to the whole role, the systems I had been working with and every operation involved. I had found my feet bro, even within the environment I was situated in. Something had been missing though, the situation at home was still not that great. But God has His plans for every one of us. 2024 would take a great turn, both in a good and a bad way.

Chapter 2: The sophomore year

The end of January 2024 really had a positive impact on my life. Remember when I told you that I had lost both of my parents to death, well yeah, that shit will forever have a negative impact in my life. It happens to every one of us. Losing a parent is not easy man, but in some sense of life, you have to find a way to get up from that and make the most of it, I guess. My mother was the recent one to pass away, she did so back in 2021 due to Covid-19. It was daunting for me. I am not going say that I have never thought that she would leave us, especially at the tender ages me and my little sister were at, but it happened. During the years after she had passed away, we knew that there was a financial package we would receive from here post as an educator and fortunately in 2024 it had come through, especially after the recent years of waiting and fighting to get it. Mind you I was still an operator at that brewery firm. The financial package had made our lives easier, if I am being honest. My little sister could cover her tuition fees; I was able to send more money back home while I was in Kuruman. I mean we all have plans and objectives that we want to set out, especially when we have a bit more of change in our pockets. We were fortunate enough to even fulfil some of our parents’ wishes, ones that they had while they were still alive. That bond we have at home will always be engraved in us, even when we know that death is the one to do us apart.

Six months down the line, we had the opportunity to build both our parents’ tombstones. We had a lovely ceremony with friends and family. I cannot lie, I feel like in my life so far, that has to be one of the greatest achievements I have attained. Nothing beats doing something so beautiful for the ones you love. Yeah, well life could have been much prettier if I had the chance to grace both parents with everything they had desired whilst they were still alive. But like I said, God has His own plans. After the weekend of the tombstone unveiling ceremony, I still had a few more days until I relocate to my place of work. I enjoy being at home so much, man. It brings me peace to be at a place of my upbringing, where it is full of love and I also get a chance to reminisce on the things I have been taught as well. Four days later after the weekend, a tragedy upon me struck. Something I never knew would hit me. But never say never. I was actually abducted. Two people showed up to my house and claimed that they were police officers (A male and a female). They had told me that the car I was driving was involved in a hijacking scene the previous night, somewhere around Johannesburg. I was shell-shocked. Obviously, I did not believe what they had told me, but my naivety kept telling me to go with them and clear my name from the allegations. And mind you, these people had come for the second time at my place that morning. The first time, I heard the knock at the gate, but my spirit was reluctant to go out and answer at the gate. It was only after the second time that my little sister kept calling my name, telling me to answer. You always have to listen to your first intuition man.

Aright then, like I said that I had agreed to leave with them, just so I could clear the case. As we were taking a drive, I heard both of them talking about a huge amount of money that was ceased, supposedly from the night before. They kept asking me for my phone just so they could see the recent bank transactions that I had made. They made a few turns on roads that I was not familiar with, but particularly around Soweto. The car stopped; just besides another white one and these two men from this other car, who were both armed with guns just hopped off and on to the one I was inside. Yep! That is the moment I knew that I might be in for some big trouble; trouble that I did not even ask for. If ever you had to ask me whether there is a moment in my life for me to turn back the time, then it definitely would be on that particular day. I was turned hostage; they had covered my face with a pillow cover just so I could not see where we were heading. So fast forward, we arrive at the place where I was abducted. I spent the whole day there until midnight. I am sure I would have left that place in a body-bag and get my body disposed at a local river if ever they did not get what they want from me. That memory eats me up every day of my life, man. I do not wish that upon anyone else. I had to give up what I had, and if I did not; like I said, I would have ended up dead. It was a large sum of money (I do not want to mention how much it was). Money that my mother had left for me and my little sister to have a better life. Unfortunately, it was all gone. And you know what those crooks did that night after they took out of the car-boot; they gave me a R100 and told me to go catch a taxi. Imagine bro, and that was like 11pm at night. I was walking with shame on my way back home (I do not even know where I was going) and I knew that my life was going to change for the worst after the whole incident. Well eventually I had arrived back home; I do not know how, but I somehow did. One thing I managed to do after opening the door was cry a river because the only thing I felt was pain, both emotionally and physically. Tragic, huh…

Chapter 3: The aftermath

After the abduction incident took place, I had no answers, no clue as to how am I going to recover from it, let alone live. It took a huge toll on me man, one that I know will forever live with me. Within a few days I had to switch provinces due to going back to work but I knew that I was going to find it difficult to cope, especially when you are going to find yourself in a place where you are by yourself and there is little or no support. But yeah, I kept that soldier mentality with me and moved on from it, I guess. I remember the day I got to work; I had drove a whole six hours just so I could respect the day I said I will be at work. It was hard for me to leave home, even though I knew that I was couped up in my room and thinking a lot; that is the only place I know I could make a recovery. The first day of work was so full of mistakes to a point where I went to the restroom to cry and contemplate on making a return back to Johannesburg. Nobody even bothered to ask me how I felt since I came back, even though I them informed about what had taken place. It was just “Get on with it prick. Nobody got time for your life struggles.” That is so inconsiderate if you had to ask me.

Days, months and a couple years went by; I still feel the shame I was telling you about before. You know when they say a day can change a person’s whole life, well that is me with the tragedy I have been through. Like really, my life has changed for the worst man. I have been in some instances where I can feel like I am doing something good, well at least for that period and a bit of negativity just comes over and washes away that good feeling. All because I have been through the most difficult moment of life and it is that hard to erase it. What is worse with this as well is that I also lost a soulmate, someone that I have been dearly in love with. There were moments in our relationship where we would find it difficult to resolve or get through adversity but through my lack of solace, it was hard for me to fight for us. There was no longer a feeling of animosity towards her. And that goes for the place I am about to leave (Kuruman). There is no fight in me left. This place has got me drained to a point where there is no reason for me to live here anymore. I have sacrificed my all at the workplace, I have tried to be the best character and also lead from a staff’ point of view but it does not longer serve me. I have tried to be at peace when I am by myself, in my place, trying to find methods of how to recover and be the best version of me but I keep getting weighed down by the factors I have mentioned.

Conclusion

There is peace coming; trust me I know. And that should start with me. I know that I have to make the most uncomfortable decisions in my life, just so I can get there. I have realised that with the first step I having taken so far. Through finding solace. A few good hearts have been broken and with the greedy characters involved as well, they are the ones crying out loud, all because they have not appreciated a wonderful soul in me. Fighting for what does not benefit my spirit has gone out of the way. It is time for me to leave the misery behind and find harmony.

Join me on this journey>>>

A short story by GreyTheBuffalo

Introduction

No, I am not going to come up with that corny formal writing shit. This my life I am about to unravel to you, so I am going to write it how I speak it. No one has to leave this narrative in the middle of it, because they will be more to come. All I am asking is for you to enjoy the ride. Okay?

Chapter 1: Come Get To Know Me

I grew up in a few parts of my birth country South Africa, mainly around where my parent’s upbringing took place as well. I was conceived at a hospital named Florence Nightingale, in central Johannesburg. My mother had to move to Tembisa (East Rand of Gauteng), back with my grandmother, which is her aunt, all because she needed assistance with maternal care and experience. Two years later from birth, mom-dukes heads back to the Free State province with me. She had an occupation, fortunately. She was an educator. A very good one. She taught mathematics in the intermediate phase. Imagine being a 12-year-old and all you hear at school is how much your mom is a well-known figure in the education sector and you always got to watch your ass. It was crazy man. But anyway, I was brought up under a strict and well-respected environment. My mother’s hometown, Vrede. A small town in the Free State province. The Molefe family were so highly regarded in the community. That is her upbringing. I was deemed to follow in those footsteps as well. My mother made sure I got a good education. I went to a decent day care centre, until I was six years old. That was when I also made my move to Johannesburg to start primary school and the rest of my education under my father’s care.

My father was one of the coolest human beings this world has ever had, man. Like genuinely the coolest dad ever. The man was so smart, so athletic, a brilliant music lover, but most importantly a man of God. The things he would teach me and also take me through, were some of the best experiences. Immaculate if you had to ask me. I think the character I am today is through those teachings and also that father and son resemblance as well. The apple really does not fall far from the tree.

Living and seeing both parent’s paths has also shaped me into this human being that I cannot categorise per say but can tell you that there is this uniqueness I possess. It is all because of them. I mean it is obviously sad that both folks have passed on, but that will not kill my spirit as I have been living through a storm, pre and post their deaths.

Chapter 2: My Intrusive Thoughts

Where do I start with this one, man. There is a lot going on in my mind already. What is crazy is that there is a rap album titled ‘There’s a lot going on’ by an artist named Vic Mensa. Brother made a masterpiece. I am not going to describe what the melody sounds like but the wordplay man, the things he mentions and past experiences he went through as well; that shit touched my life. But anyway, getting back to the topic of my thoughts. I tend to surprise myself as well, as to what comes to my mind. Some of the thoughts are fanatical in a creative sense; a kaleidoscope feeling where I can create stories; about myself and other people. The others are frustrating as hell, like I cannot help myself in moments of anxiety. And then there are the ones that I simply cannot tolerate: the dark ones.

Fanatical Thoughts: I am one person who enjoys creating scenarios inside my head and with that comes this creative tool that allows me to bring them into life as well. I have a few art projects I have made in the last 5 years. Like it has been five years without me being in my zone and actually coming up with a certain idea in my mind and not executing it on paper or digitally. I swear the outside world has absolutely ruined me. I cannot lie this part is the best version of me. it exudes happiness, it allows my brain to function on free flow. I know grief tends to come back around every now and then, but this stage of thinking helps me with kicking it out the door. I am going to explain grief and what I go through when it hits me. In more of a detailed form on the sub-topic of dark thoughts.

Anxious thoughts: Now with this one, I barely hardly know myself. It has its own timeframes and places of just popping up. It does not allow me to function, especially when it is time for me to boast confidence and show up when it matters most. Like it can be at work, where there is a certain event that can take place and I need to be on my level best, but no man; my thoughts have other plans instead. I remember watching some sort of podcast show by Eric Andre titled: ‘Eric Andre presents: Bombings’ and Earl Sweatshirt who is a favourite rapper of mine was on the show. Brother, it was forty-seven minutes long and the brother hardly said a word. It felt like he was in a world of his own but then you could tell that he was timid as fuck. I am not sure about an act of shyness, but timid you could see he was. Funny thing is that Pauly Shore who is a comedian, actor and filmmaker was on the show as well. I remember him asking Eric Andre: ”Yo! Andre. Why am I even here man. What’s the purpose of all this? Who are all these people? and why is the young gentleman on my far right so quiet?! You could tell that he was talking about Earl. And the ones who really know Earl Sweatshirt will tell you that when he is free spirited, he shows up, he performs, he can tell a good joke or two. And this goes to show that when you are in certain places or with certain people, your brain just refuses to comprehend. You can fight the feeling as much as you want but when that motherfucker is on a day-off then you are basically fucked and cannot function when it matters most.

Dark thoughts: I will start with this sub-topic by quoting an introduction of lyrics by a deceased musician named XXXTentacion from his song titled ‘The Explanation’. And I quote:

”17
My collection of nightmares, thoughts, and real life situations I’ve lived
17 is the number tattooed on the right side of my head
My own personal number
Soon to be explained in future interviews or instances
By listening to this album, you are literally
And I cannot stress this enough
Literally
Entering my mind
And if you are not willing to accept my emotion
And hear my words fully
Do not listen
I do not value your money
I value your acceptance and loyalty
Here is my pain and thoughts put into words
I put my all into this
In the hopes that it will help cure
Or at least numb your depression
I love you
Thank you for listening
Enjoy.”

So, when he starts off by saying: “My collection of nightmares, thoughts and real-life situations I’ve lived.” This is what dark thoughts are all about. Like you cannot help but shake off the feeling, but it does not work like that. It carries out this constant feeling you have for a certain period. A period where nobody else is allowed in your life. It is basically grief. Grief is one dirty bastard man. It is stubborn, it does not enjoy light, laughter and you living your life to a full potential. And the one thing about grief is that it comes in different forms. You do not just experience it when you have lost a loved one, there is a time where you can be clouded in judgement by the ones you live around or maybe seeing yourself in a certain place through success, but those days are reluctant to arrive. Your whole world just shatters. You feel like no one is coming to save you but in truth you are the one that is supposed to save yourself from the feeling. I am not going to be writing about this like I am trying to give out advice because I know I am struggling with the same thing. Grief or these whole dark thought’s theme; that shit kicks my ass so many times to a point where now I have accepted that I cannot control it but better yet let it take its cause for that duration it came around for. There is a quote from an author named Simon Jacobson and he was touching base on tragedy and how we deal with it. There is one line that I remember dearly from him and he said: “The only way out is through.” That line on its own speaks volumes in terms of dark thoughts, grief and tragedy. Like you have to go through it in order for you to see yourself on the other side.

Chapter 3: Real Life

I think with this chapter it is fitting enough for me to talk about the now. The current situation. What I have been going through as of late, but I will have to pull it back from five years ago for you to actually understand why I am in this predicament and how I have projected my life to turn out to be in the near future, I guess. Five years ago, I would not have pictured myself in this place that I am currently situated in, let alone still working in the same field. Well, I am a warehouse operator by profession, and I have been working for two globally known beverage companies. With the current one I actually work with alcohol, and you must probably think that the benefits to it are definitely getting free liquor. Well, yes and to think how a person like me who has this addictive trait has to kind of control their limit of alcohol intake must be daunting. It is, trust me. A year ago, at work I got caught twice for exceeding the alcohol intake limit and with only one strike left I had thought that I was going to lose my job, especially at a pace I had been living my life. It was not fun, not at all. Well, I thought it was, but everything was just bleak. I kept thinking a lot, I was outside most of the time, the number of women I was involved with was enormous and surely, I was losing ground with myself. This was a time where my suicidal thoughts were at its peak. I remember getting back from a night out and it was probably 3am in the morning and I somehow posted a video of myself threatening to take my own life, when I heard a knock on my door in the morning from a colleague/friend of mine saying he got a call from my sister to check on me. I mean the whole misery just ate me up, daily.

Conclusion

Well, what I have to say now is, I have decided to take this different direction with my life. A decision that can lead me to peace. I mean I have taking started writing again, something I have not done in ages. It is a medium for me, a place where I can be myself and just reveal the truth. Yeah, I know that I am sharing my thoughts with world but isn’t that what freedom is all about? Being in a space where you are free to express yourself. That is where I am heading. There is more to come. Join me on this journey.