eyelikethunder

Because I feel ugly, and wrong. I feel naturally awkward. I get awfully embarrassed because of my actions -- I can't speak because my words tumble out clumsily, I can't write because usually nothing seems to come to me. 
Sometimes I feel I see things other people don't see, and sometimes I choose to ignore it than to face it head on. I see every little reaction of people around me, some reactions I don't like, some reactions that reveal the huge blemish on the human race. Every move of their eye brows or the slight downward curves of their lips, I can tell.
Every little action we make I make you make determines so much, sometimes there is so much pressure in making just one correct decision, that nothing's actually very clear anymore. I feel like every single thing in my life has been blurred to the extent that I don't know what I'm doing anymore, that I can't feel anything except being somber . I mean I laugh in school, I smile, I am happy, but those feelings don't seem to last as much.
Sometimes I think I may have a psychological problem, because I feel the need of having so much sensitivity and care towards my whole being. I know it is extremely selfish. I am still trying to change myself. I am living my life day to day with dread, with highs and lows, with facades, sometimes, just to make the people I care about happy, to not worry, and to also make them feel a little happier because of the influence, because  "You think of yourself as having the only problems, as being the only one who is disappointed. But just look around you and you will see lots of people as disappointed as you are." said by Tennessee Williams

I'm thoroughly disappointed with my performance.
I said I wanted to start 2009 differently, my attitudes, my emotional baggage, my whole being. I have moved on from something that weighed me down and built me up so much at the same time. I've tried tweaking that part of me that shrugs off any kind of responsibility, and I honestly think I've changed a bit. But for everything else I've let myself down.
It's March and I failed 2 subjects? I shouldn't even be failing anything now right. I shouldn't I know I shouldn't. 2 teachers have already wanted to talk to me about how I'm coping with everything. I keep asking myself am I that bad? I always thought so and so was worse. But maybe I am that bad.

No matter how much I try and reach out for help, sometimes friends I think might care won't care.

There is no point in this honestly. But why did I type so much? Because I find life at the moment unsatisfactory.

I promise a much better post on Saturday, filled with love and laughter and pictures.

Much Love (I mean it when I say much love)
x

My computer's becoming much like rubbish I can't connect anything to it, I can't excess firefox anymore on my own account (there are 3 different users on my computer) and that means all my beautiful bookmarks may be gone.
I was going to upload something today but the only thing that is stopping me is my computer.
I'm contemplating on stagnating my posts because I'm extremely busy and I can't do many things with a computer that is dying.
But I'll still come online occasionally so if you want to talk to me, please do :-)

Life's basically full steam ahead. Lacking in some parts, but I guess I'm more focused now. Definitely more focused.
I don't have much to write about anything actually. The company in school is much more enjoyable now, even if there are a few conflicts.
I will update, when I have something to write about.
It's March already.

"And i still call you love. For now, it’s the closest i’ve come."
— The Elected, It Was Love

I do miss a lot of people, but I don't know how to tell them, because it would be wrong, and I'd screw up the friendships.

Fusion 09 was great, empowering, insightful, exhilarating. I loved the message, the worship, getting sweaty even, and the company. Thank you to Iman, Amanda Koh, Angie, Shyen and Fi for being there on another wake up call to God.

Common test week is almost here. I hope I don't screw up.
February is ending, March is coming, I haven't started on Higher Art. I'm scared, though I will trust God, I'm scared. I need words and love and words and a lot of love. I need laughter and assurance. Help?

Friday, although being Friday, was so much better than Thursday. I've realised I enjoy days more when I get things out of my system. I like to talk about anything that makes sense, I don't like enjoy conversations that just float around and scrape at trivialities, sometimes. Small talk is small talk, but it's so bland, don't you think?
I spent the afternoon at CCAB, under the hot sun, with green face and body paint on my face and hands, screaming Gabby (she's really loud) and Jagabee and snacks. It was tiring and sometimes, pretty boring. After that was dinner at Kfc (Cheese fries~), and I spent the whole time talking to Daphy and Gabby about things that matter, about everything under the sun (or artificial lights), and I enjoyed it a lot.
I really do want to watch Slumdog Millionaire. I watched the trailer and I fell in love with it.

Good shows = Big Loving.
/

(I'm sorry the pictures may not have the best quality right now + It's extremely image heavy)
Fellowship camp along with Love With A Cause and Valentine's Day was a wonderful concoction of events that made me truly happy (yet exhausted). I was truly ( HappyCollapse )

Valentine's Day has taken on a whole new meaning this year. During this particular day last year I was sulking and saying that Valentine's day is overrated, whatnot, because I wanted that someone to ask me to be his Valentine. It happened, but only after much reluctance, it may have been necessary, but it didn't feel alright.
I think right now, Valentine's day, to me, is a day where people literally show that they care. I mean subconsciously you know they do, but it's just comforting to receive gifts and small notes and yummy goodies from people who love you. I felt extremely loved this year, lonely without any form of relationship, but overwhelmed with love from everyone else I care about. I spent the afternoon, the night, the morning, the afternoon, with only the people I love, with my head up high in the clouds, I screamed and cheered, I sang and laughed, I got scolded but with people I love, I had the great opportunity to participate in the last part and the closure of Love With A Cause, and running alongside Dr William Tan was exhilarating and groundbreaking, it was my first time being so thrilled to run around the school track. I was so drained, but happy that God gave me this Valentine's day gift.

Check out http://www.onequestion.org/
It's pretty good when you're waiting/bored

Oh, and I grinned like an idiot when I saw this video. I absolutely adore Coldplay.

I am currently hooked on

It's the only anime that I'm crazy about!! And I can't seem to stop watching it. I've got a lot of homework and the Chapel powerpoint to do. So, I'm pretty much not prioritizing. Oh, I also woke up at about 3.40 PM today because of surviving the last two days with only 3 hours of sleep.

Pictures of Love With A Cause + Videos will be up soon, I hope (school's becoming mad)

Sometimes no one will notice how much you care, no one will notice how much you sacrificed for them. In the end, I've realised, if you have the capacity to love, then love one love all because you have the ability, you have it within you. Don't be picky. And that's what I'm doing now. Love in the whole sense of the word isn't what I used to think it was. There are some times like these in life when I feel the intensity of what I feel for every individual in my life burning inside me. I know I am alive and I know I'm here to love and to help.
A lot of people, when they think of love, they associate it with the love between a girl and a boy. And isn't that a little crude? I honestly don't care about what sex you are. And if you shy away from this then you're missing out.
I think I'm crazy sometimes, but I also think I love you (yes you).

I am looking and scanning in every corner of this person's life to see why she's acting this way. Every one has a reason for their actions, but their reasons are a spectrum. Sometimes they don't even have enough basis to be deemed as a reason, so it becomes an excuse. An excuse to be with, to choose something they solely prefer, then making everything that was planned disorganised and making everyone else unhappy.
I keep trying to speak up for this particular person, but she doesn't even bother to respect anyone she deems unworthy. She's making it hard for me to be her friend.
.
It's a risk typing this out but I need to let it out. If you're someone I know, don't just judge me by this alone.
It's hard for me to forget you. I don't hurt every single minute I pull out those memories. But I'm making that part in my mind accessible just to remember how it feels like, how you smell like, how you make me feel so safe. I miss you, ultimately. I miss your fingers, your laugh, your hugs, your face, your eyes, your hair, your shoes, your shoulders. I miss your voice, your random texts, your calls just to check up on me.
I miss having someone there, available to me and only me.
Saying sorry, apologizing, giving you my 101 reasons why I did what I did, telling you promising you I won't ever doubt you, or take advantage of your trust, didn't work, because I did what I did in the spur of the moment, because of fear, because what we had was making me dig deeper into the pit of slumber I said I wanted to avoid.
Not being with you made me feel the raw wound I left on you and me. It also woke me up. It made me more lonely, of course, but I realised I have yet to discover myself, what I want, and that I wasn't ready for you and for the world.
(Sometimes I want to wallow in the topic. But I guess I've left it unsaid for a long time and this is the other story behind the past 6 months.)
.
The Leadership Conference yesterday was actually quite enjoyable. I loved Dr Andrew Goh's talk because I kept marvelling at how he could spontaneously speak and give us jokes and analogies and references and stories while bringing across his point at the same time.
In the end, everything will be okay.
If it's not okay, it's not the end.
I fell in love with a baby faced boy whose voice melt my heart along with his guitar playing. But yet it was just a flutter of the heart and it pretty much died by the time I went home in the train...

It's February, the 2nd month of the determining year


Sometimes.