evasearchin

People ask me what my plan is now. I mean I have to do something.
My plan is for my agnostic self to have faith in god and do nothing.
Surprisingly it's not gone too badly.
Sometimes the only thing left to do is wait.

All the amfexa is spent on the post-mortem. Repeatedly. No productive work is done. I loop the loop, round and round, and waste limited resources on pointless questions. What a mess you have made. Noone left unscathed.

David the woodcutter, should leave Red to the mercy of the wolf. Because ultimately the harm he does lasts much longer than anything the wolf could inflict on Red. Do we see it in this image. How badly this will go. The tragedy is it never has to. It can end at that picture.

It's most unfortunate that Red, isn't the Red, Roald Dahl describes. Not yet. But one day we hope she will be.

It's odd I find myself here,
So many years later,
Writing poetry on linear regression,
Using ChatGPT to crack the mysteries of life and my psyche.
And perhaps all the answers are here.
In the tortured twenty years of journals from the tortured twenties.


Anyhow it is a mystery.
I do wonder where did those LJ authors go who's fanfic I spent hours devouring.
Where did those communities go where we tried to salve the hurt of our loneliness.
For I have concluded h/c, non con, dub con, is your wounded insecure attachment...


I wonder where those mutual friends went. Because they could be dead. Things went as they wanted or did they turn over a page and find sunshine and happiness.


Where is the modern LJ? Is it in the bastion of tiktok comments? Is it Reddit. Ah it must be Reddit. Whoever knows.

Loving the wrong person again.
Because you just happen to let yourself go again,
Another dead end outcome,
Another avenue for heartbreak and pain,
Quit whilst your ahead,
Is the best plan yet,
Because this loving isn't real,
Or feasible,
Or a good deal,
Or even appropriate,
This loving isn't right,
Someone else's life,
Let it go,
Leave it be,
Let it be,
What it's meant to be,
Stop pushing, stop shoving,
Stop fighting, stop pining,
Enjoy it for what it is,
Nothing more,
Nothing less,
Not possible to change,
All the outcomes in this game,
That providence decides to play,
Best not to cry over nothing,
And appreciate the something,
Ignore the feeling
Of wanting, missing and needing,
Don't make it something more,
That has too much of a cost,
With too much potentially lost,
Too many lives destroyed,
For a short term outcome,
To fill an irrelevent void.

And yet alas little girl,
Who do you think you are,
In this grown up world?
What power do you have
To influence anyone at all,
No matter what you feel,
No matter what the wants,
No matter the secret desires,
The desperate mind evokes...
Your dreaming anyway,
So sigh in relief
And let it go.

this is not how one is indifferent.

waiting to hear from someone to tell them you don't need them, is needing them.

you write them away slowly, weaning yourself off them gently, or maybe the answer is cold turkey, been there, done that, too difficult.

the only way to it is through it, so it's commonly said. and so we struggle through marshes and bramble, plough through sand and swim through deadly seas, looking for permission to drown. the world doesn't give you that permission but Moses doesn't turn up to part the waves either, the only survival is apathy, inertia, being frozen as you are. not even frustration or boredom shifting you along.

That's basically how it works right. Put someone through enough of an emotional rollercoaster for them to finally give up on you, abandon you and take enough steps back for their own sanity...

And you know you've done this because your own feelings of dependence and need shared the shit out of you. And because you never were in control of this relationship.

Inevitable really. I always said some of us were irredeemable.

What I want is not what I needed. But couldn't you see me edging, begrudgingly, slowly to what you were saying? But invariably you ran out of patience, as I knew anyone who I have ever been in an authentic exchange with has done.

I prove my own points. Self fulfilling prophecies to cry about in one's own time.

Ah well, disappointment, and heartbreak, we meet again, but we are well aquainted, and if I've been through worse, this is a piece of cake right.

Some of us are unredeemable,
Somebody that cannot be saved
Someone forever enslaved
By the past,
And a dark life that has shaped
For longer then any saviour can claim,
To have saved.

Some of us are replaceable,
Some of us have noone to miss us when we go,
Therefore those on the periphery let us go.

Some of us can't believe in the goodness of anyone else,
The long road to trust repeatedly broken by all those who came first,
How can you believe anything else can actually be true, when life has always proved otherwise.

Some of us want to die,
That seems to be the way to an easy "life",
Some of us don't see,
The optimism others believe,
It jars with every knowledge we hold,
Requiring inside beliefs to crumple and fold,
And no we're really not sold,
On the idea of reinventing our soul,
It's a done deal, shaped by exactly,
Eighty eight percent of our time in the world.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (Spoilers but the movie is from 1989!)

[Spoiler (click to open)]So ten years later, literally! I watched the next film in the series. In a world of shiny alternative TOS timelines and sleek Discovery (of which I have not actually seen much), it was a truly unfair comparision :-D

It's highly indulgent isn't it. Three old men finally going camping in the country-side speaking about their feelings for one another. The bromance has never been more acknowledged. But seriously it felt genuinely like they belonged in the retirement home now. Not having another energetic adventure through space. If it was their retirement then yes that would be a true to their charactors retirements plans indeed. I doubt they would just be content watching the world from the sidelines.

And when did Scotty and Uhura become a thing? I mean I have forgotten most of "The Voyage Home" but surely I would have remembered that.

Anyway that was a terrible movie. Held together only by the familar roles all the charectors played. And the good will of the audience who will /would always look on the bright side of anything that that original cast chose to do. I must admit that God being just another Alien being is a trope reused so many times by the TOS cast it was not at all unexpected.

I went on to also watch Star Trek Animated Episode 7: The Infinite Vulcan, which raised almost no qualms about a clone of Spock running around the universe. I see this series as canon though. Immediate continuity from series three TOS as its all original cast stuff. And lol so far it hasn't unexpectedly sprang a half brother for Spock yet like The Final Frontier just did :'-D. I mean that seems to me such lazy writing. Insert random completely unmentioned for years, half brother here for story! I think Discovery plays with this concept, but thats a new show with new people so I'll give it that. Actually I liked the insight into McCoys fathers situation given by Final Frontier, some personal angst and drama out of the blue does give the story more depth, but secret half brother is really bending plausibility (in a show about humans finally achieving unity and world peace; real stretch to believe anyway; the sci-fy I see happening!).


I also watched TOS; The Doomsday Machine today. What a good episode. What a good show. I could tell I was watching the remastered version because my brain was going uurgh no no its wrong whilst at the same time admiring the touched up visuals. But the acting remains timeless without touching up.

Its been so long since I posted I believe I cant remember how to do an LJ cut. Ah LJ, still surviving, From an era when people still wrote paragraphs and attention spans could read entire posts. Now its a 140 charectors and an eyecatching gif to make every point on earth. Because that's the attention spans we now have left. Possibly we may all lose focus halfway to the path of self destruction as a species one day. But that focus seems unwavering.