Well, I made it through high school... or did I? I didn't really make any friends or get involved in anything, but I guess I did pass and now its onto college, the ultimate goal right? But not really. I find myself craving so much more for myself. I wish I could spend like two months in the woods just finding myself and being one with the world. I always feel so out of place and it would be so wonderful just to figure out where I stand, and to maybe feel like I'm meant to be here. I think about starting yoga or meditation all the time, but theres just not enough hours in the day. Often I get the feeling that I have no idea who I am and that I was never even supposed to be here in the first place. College kind of seems like just another place to be disappointed to me. I'm bad at making friends, I always get lost. I never amount to anything worth while because nobody cares about me. I'm probably going to lose my boyfriend because of the typical college struggles, maybe even just because of the distance and the fact that I will be so busy. Jeez, I hope I am busy. Otherwise I might go crazy. I am dreading leaving my horse, Sammy, so badly. What am I going to do with no horse and no C? I'm going to have nothing. I can only imagine how my depression and anxiety will get. You might be thinking "wow. this post is very dark and depressing", and you're right. I feel like a giant cloud of darkness and negative energy. God, I hope this goes away one day. I am tired of feeling like a waste of space, like the world would be better off without me.
So right now I'm typing this from Athens, Georgia. I'm visiting the University of Georgia because they have a NCAA Equestrian team and it's important for me to ride in college. I just feel like my life wouldn't be the same without riding. Apparently i'm a little bit late though. I was supposed to have been done recruiting by this past summer but I'm just starting my tours and talking to the coaches. USC and TAM both told me that they couldn't put me on their teams. I thought I wouldn't have a chance at UGA because their team has been #1 for a while and they won SEC Championships last year, but the coach is very interested in me. The only problem is that she has already given out all the spots on the team so I am basically in recruitment limbo right now.
My mood has been better? I think? I don't really know how to explain it. Sometimes I think I have my depression under control but then something happens, or nothing even happens, and I freak out again in a full fledge panic attack. Things have been okay with my boyfriend. Sometimes I get worried. Honestly I don't feel good because I wanted him to stop smoking but he keeps going. He said he would stop once school started but he hasn't. He gets really touchy about it if I call him out. I don't know what to do. He hasn't done anything wrong except for that, though. I don't know how things will play out with college. I'm afraid because I know in my heart that I don't have his full heart anymore. I know that he will be out partying and forgetting about me and probably doing stuff that he won't be telling me and it makes me sad because I love him and I have this fantasy in my mind where we get married and live happily ever after but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I can't break things off though. I will hold onto him for as long as I can. I will keep pretending and lying to myself saying that he is all mine when I know deep inside that he is not.
So I'm in this really weird mood where everything just feels weird and wrong... its freaking me out. I'm scared for college. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared because I know I'm losing the person who I love. I'm in love with C, we were in love, and I can tell he falls more and more out of love with me every day. Thats the worst feeling in the world.
Last night we got into a fight... I called him while he was basically asleep and he answered. He told me he was sorry. He said I should leave him because he doesn't deserve me. He says he's lost and doesn't know who he is anymore. He said he lies, and he steals from his friends. He says he always hurts me and he doesn't know why. I don't want to leave him though... I care about him too much. What if he never finds himself? It's not like I can find him for him... I know he has to do it himself... but I just can't distance myself. If he loves me, how can he hurt me? Why can't he just think about things before he does them... I'm so confused... I feel like I'm destined to be alone and sad for my whole life.
So I just got back from a trip to Carolina Beach in North Carolina with my parents and my little sister, Allison. Every year we go to North Carolina but we usually go to the Outer Banks for two weeks. Since me and my sister complain every year my dad decided to split up the two weeks into one week in Carolina Beach and one week in the Outer Banks. I liked this place better because it was close to a boardwalk with some rides and there were more teenagers and it seemed like there was more things to do.
The trip went okay except for one night when my boyfriend forgot about me. I told him I was really depressed and he's the only person who can make me feel better when I get that way. Usually he would make sure to help me but this time he stopped replying and it was only 11:30 and I knew he was up with his friends. I checked his snapchat and his friends were sending him videos of what they were all doing. He wasn't replying to me because he was drinking and smoking with his friends and that made me really sad inside. I got over it.
Since I've been back everything has been great between us. We even went on a movie date the other day! We saw Jurassic World. It was okay, but I was just happy to be out on a date with him.
But ALSO since I've been back my mouth is going crazy. My lips got sunburnt so they swell up every morning like I did the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge or got Botox. The insides are bleeding and I'm getting a cold sore. And now since this has been making me drool more in my sleep I'm getting a fungus on the outer corner of my mouth:) So basically, FUCK THE SUN!!!!!! I have to put Aloe lotion on my lips every couple of minutes, press on them with ice, use Hydrogen Peroxide on the fungus with a Q-tip, and put Campho medicine on my cold sore:)
depressed