not · a · house · but · a · tomb

i'm writing in here because i feel like i'm in high school.

i don't even know how to feel. it's so weird.

i'm excited about berklee, but how come i still don't feel good enough?

the code of 08:

1)henny is mah DUDE...but we can't buy from him until spring break. :(

2)"mah dude" is the BEST PHRASE EVER.

3)smmmmokeeeeee ellssssss!

4)...so i heard you like dylans?

5)hottie (insert EVERYONE here.)

6)BAG-O! (everyone wins!)

7)The Invincivles: Julia, Sophie, George, Dylan

8)THE TRIFECTA GOES TO AMSTERDAM.

things that are still bad:

my parents, me, livejournal, living, food, FOOD, money, john, dylan, people, food, copmuters, sudoku, leo, my stomach, AP art history, xander, leo, college, me, anna, michael, drugs, my theighs, my arms, my fucking HIPS, the gym, that i ran out of altoid raspberry sours.

things that have gotten better:

i am

THE SHIT

at guitarhero.

things that make me feel like shit:

mid-terms, my parents, me, gossip girl, livejournal, living, food, FOOD, money, john, dylan, the fact that mary and camille and addy and lisa (ew) got together and had a reunion and mary doesn't even like me even though i was her roommate, and the fact that they're SO RICH that they're LIKE b and serena, people, food, copmuters, sudoku, leo, my stomach, AP art history, xander, the fact that i can only beat 2 songs on expert on guitarhero, college, me, anna, michael, drugs, pad thai, that music isn't free, my theighs, my arms, my fucking HIPS, the gym, that i ran out of altoid raspberry sours, that there's only one family guy on TBS on demand.

and lots of other stuff.

horrible.

been a while. a weird while. i have too much work to be doing this.

senior year is hell. dylan has 5 (count em) 5 classes, only 2 acedemics (one of which is film lit which doesn't count,) and i am the complete opposite. everything counts. and it's all to impress colleges. i'm taking all of these classes and shitting my pants with stress all year because i want to impress fucking colleges. it seems unnatural.

we are reading (supposed to have read) on beauty by zadie smith and we talked about the meaning of beauty and shit in class today. it takes over your life. class too, but i meant beauty. it makes me want to vomit. if our world weren't so based on looks...well, i shouldn't go there. that's like saying "if no one ever fought" or "if we could all agree to be communists" it just wouldn't/couldn't happen.

uerhfgrjherkjhfrds every class is hard. every one of my teachers said "if you can't work hard, you're in the wrong class" except for mr. della penna who said "il y a BEAUCOUP de devoirs. BEAUCOUP BEAUCOUP BEAUCOUP."

fuckfuckfuckfuck i'm really worried about me and dylan cuz we will have separate lives now, except for weekends which will be spent doing homework and writing suppliment essays and maybe smoking with anna.

the only good thing is that we might go to cancun (me and anna, not dyl. :( ) for spring break, with her dad. just for like, a few days. but that would be SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET because her dad is the SHIT and lets us do whatevaa.

i feel sick to my stomach with stress and anger and greenbeans and jealousy and lust and confusion and exhaustion.

and it really makes me mad that

well

that everything happens.

forget it. i have too much to say that doesn't even matter.

i thought creative writing would be a good place to write my story but its like, poetry and stuff. and i'm too worried about people that are more friendly with each other than with me and feeling left out. like i do all the time in school. god i hate it there, but i'll miss it so much when i'm gone. probably because i wont be able to see all of these pretty, familiar faces. but thats about it. hugs and faces. not much else.

bonjour from paris.

everything is wonderful and overwhelming here. there are 49 girls and its scary. a lot of them are like the laguna beach girls. it seems as if everyone has friends except me. i keep trying but like, it seems like everyone likes everyone else more. its kind of sad. i am still jetlagged and exhausted and i wish i could go outside without having to have a partner. i'd probably get lost though. and i'm really scared of speaking enough french to ask people directions.

my "dinner sub-group" consists of 2 of the 5 boys: one is an evangelical christian and thinks that jews are going to hell, and the other is his roommate: a fucking annoying jew who is in love with me and says things like "so, where are we going to lunch?" when there is no "we". he's all like "i'm soo cool because i like nirvana and i am really bored with everything". like the french. except they don't like nirvana they just act really bored with everything. there are extremely gorgeous men here. who love american girls. only not me, just the blonde, skinny ones. i thought europeans were supposed to be more accepting?? guess not in paris. i have yet to get checked out ONCE because i am UGLY and FAT and AMERICAN. and those are just the worst things you can be in paris.

and there is a girl who realllly reminds me of meggie, it is SCARY. you guys look so much alike!

and there are like 20 other people who look like celebrities.

i miss dylan.

i got 12 hours of sleep. i feel lots better.

I'M SO FUCKING SICK of feeling hopeful. what am i waiting for? exactly. i have no idea. and the worst part is that i'm not even excited anymore. i'm not excited for anything. i feel like shit. i feel like fucking shit all the time, about myself, about everyone else, about the world. lately.

if i were original it wouldn't be so bad. if there were something special about me then it wouldn't be so bad. if i could give something to this world or make a difference then maybe my days wouldn't be filled with hatred and wanting and anger. i'm so fucking angry. i feel like ripping my hair out. god i fucking hate who i am.

"sophie, what schools are you applying to?" -dr. rowes
"well, i really like oberlin, and um--"
"what's your average?" -dr. rowes
"now? well it's a 91.8--"
*shakes head* "and your SAT scores?" -dr. rowes
"well, i mean, 1900, but--"

"you can't get into oberlin." -dr. rowes

"oh."

at least now i KNOW i'm not good enough, because she knows everything.

fuck college. fuck people. fuck living. it's not worth this.