One of the things I have learned of from my trips to YouTube over the past few months is the GenZ stare. Have you heard of this, gentle reader? Have you experienced it? I don’t go to any trendy places or coffee shops and have not seen it for myself.

In the comments section of the YouTube shorts, there is plenty of testimony saying the stare is real. Outside of that platform, I’ve seen an article about it too. I have faith in the Internet on this one and belive the stare is real.

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I’ve been playing with the free version of an AI assistant that shall not be named and one bright spot in the disappointing experience was learning of The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It’s a prose poem, very readable.

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On the one hand, if a person doesn’t speak up, how can anyone know what help is needed. On the other hand, the nerve …. to ask for a kidney.

I feel like I now have permission to ask the world, the universe, whatever life is, for big things.

I can’t imagine asking for a kidney outside of medical pathways. Hopefully I’ll never be in such a situation. I can’t imagine donating a kidney either. Apparently, at least in this case, the donor has to be younger than 36. That’s still on the young side. The donor would be compromised to some extent for the rest of their life, probably decades. Who would volunteer for that?

Well, speaking up, communicating one’s need, worked. I don’t know the relationship between the donor and recipient but I strongly suspect they are not related. I am just astonished by the situation.

With a little help, I made it through the hot weather and actually appreciated summertime a little bit. It remains my least favorite season though, and the only way to change that is to live in a place with cooler summer weather.

I didn’t actually do outdoor summer activity or anything like that. I am a homebody and sheltered indoors anyway.

How has your summer been?

I have spent a lot of time on YT in the past few months. Fortunately I had enough sense to not run away to Malaysia or Thailand. That doesn’t mean my circumstances here are better; it’s just better to not act on impulse.

I feel like an almost blank slate, in that I feel no passion, desire, or motivation. It’s like I can just do whatever. It sure sounds easy… If it is, I haven’t got the hang of it yet.

I asked ChatGPT to identify some affordable, safe places for Asian Americans and to my surprise, Pittsburgh was one of the results. Another was Beaverton, Oregon. If you’ve been to either place in the past few years, or have reliable intel on them, do pass it along. What was the vibe? Is the area clean? Did you feel safe? Were people standoffish or relaxed?

I found an article talking about the increase in anti-Asian hate crimes and bias incidents in Pittsburgh, and there was a significant increase in Oregon state. I haven’t found anything specific to Beaverton yet, where there is a Korean community. So it’s not like either place is free of this sort of criminality. To be candid, one impression I have of Oregon is it’s a hotbed of white nationalism.

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I haven’t cut my hair, or changed it in any way, and I haven’t rearranged the furniture in my tiny abode, but I have the urge to purge and clean. The fridge and freezer have been tidied up. Next is offloading the loveseat, selling it if possible. There are other to-dos in the apartment … more manifestation of internal change.

I live one day at a time. I let myself be in the present as realistically as I can. I intervene when my mind starts to jump way into the future. I do what needs to be done when I’m ready to do it.

Maybe the engines have finally started and the plane is backing away from the gate.

Two or three weeks ago I got hooked on some YouTube videos and lifted my spirits by accident. The vlogs and channels were set in East Asia. Seeing a bit of life in Japan and Korea healed something in me that had been bothering me since 2020.

One of my favorite channels is a 53 (?) year old Australian who moved to Japan when she was 50. She said her life was in a rut and she decided on a big change to help herself. She was a teacher who taught Japanese in Australia so she had skills and experience to make the move possible. It’s nice to see content about later middle age.

Last week I watched a lot of so-called social experiment videos and prank videos. All were set in East Asia. It was luck really as I wasn’t looking for this kind of content; I didn’t even know it existed. This was a case of the algorithm working well. I ended up laughing so much that my brain feels better, resulting in me feeling better. I’ve truly experienced the idea that laughter is the best medicine.

I’m putting it out there because it needs to be tested.

I’ve reached a point where I have no direction, no curiosity, no motivation.

I’ve wondered at least once in the past few months if my time in New York is over. I’ve asked where I would go then. No place came to mind.

At some point, Ann Arbor entered my head. I don’t know why. I’ve never even been to Michigan.

The idea lingers, so I’m journaling about it, expecting either some insight to emerge or the idea to fade away

There is something so deep in motion and I wish I could talk about it with someone but the experience is outside of words.

I wish I could go through this experience with someone. Something like a communion I guess. I’ve had some moments lately where I’ve felt lonesome. I wonder if others out there are experiencing what I’m experiencing.

I could almost break open with this feeling and energy. How much of it is related to age, and how much of it is the result of healing?

I’ve read somewhere that the 40s is the old age of youth and the 50s is the youth of old age.

Maybe I’ve just settled down in myself finally.

I’m conflicted about how to handle the reading activity for my volunteer tutor sessions. I have been selecting the book we read, however, when there’s extra time, the student gets to choose a book.

In the first place, I read or skim books and weed out the ones that aren’t suitable for the student. I have over two dozen books that have passed this screening. What determines whether a book is chosen for a session is the student’s weekly homework assignment. I pick a book that aligns to some degree with the sight words and phonemes that are studied that week.

The issue is that the student is more engaged when they choose a book. In the general pool of pre-screened books are books I think the student might like. As I’ve gradually identified topics and activities that the student likes, I’ve made a point to include books on those subjects. For example, the child is interested in birds.

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