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Master List of Elizabeth Culmer's Fiction
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FANFICTION:

General Disclaimer: These stories are based on characters and situations created and owned by other people and corporations. I make no money from this borrowing of intellectual property, and intend no copyright or trademark infringement.

Organization: This list is organized primarily by fandom; within each fandom, it's arranged first by associated story cycles and then by writing date. Word counts and writing dates are approximations.

Content/Warning Policy: 1) I am not consistent about warnings! I use them when I remember, for a few relatively broad categories of potentially problematic content, but if something is off-page, non-explicit, or generally backgrounded, I probably won't think to note it in the metadata. Read at your own risk! 2) The things I try to warn for are explicit sex, rape, murder, torture, cannibalism, incest, depression/suicide, familial dysfunction, and occasionally also societal dysfunction (aka dystopia). Sometimes I just slap a general content warning on all my fic for a given fandom and don't label each individual fic. I also don't generally warn for violence, unless the violence in a fic is dramatically out-of-step with the violence in its source canon. 3) I don't use any content rating system unless I'm posting to a site or community that requires or encourages ratings, because I find movie-style ratings counter-intuitive when applied to written fiction, and not particularly useful for anything other than denoting the presence of explicit sex, which I already note in the metadata.

Quality Rating System: I've marked my favorite stories with asterisks, on a scale of 1 to 4. The more asterisks, the more I like the story. This doesn't necessarily mean that stories without asterisks are bad, just that I don't like them as much. Also, I am not claiming to be an arbiter of taste; you may love stories I dislike, and vice versa. I am just providing a heads-up about the ones that I think are best written and/or most interesting.

Where To Read: What I post on my journal tends to be the equivalent of a beta draft. If I have cross-posted a story literally anywhere else (except Tumblr; fic content there is just a mirror of fic content here), read the version that isn't on my journal. Versions on AO3 are definitive. If there is no AO3 version, read the ff.net version. If there is no ff.net version, read the FictionAlley version (only applicable for HP fic). Failing that, read the journal version, because that's the only one there is.

Harry Potter Fanfiction

Naruto Fanfiction

Angel Sanctuary Fanfiction

Chronicles of Narnia Fanfiction

Homestuck Fanfiction

MCU fanfic (assorted)

Minor Fandom Fanfiction
(currently includes BtVS/A:tS, The Dark Is Rising, the Darkangel trilogy, Enchanted Forest Chronicles, FF7: Mercverse AU, Inception, and Star Trek: AOS)

Miscellaneous Fanfiction
(Currently includes: American Gods, An Ash-Blonde Witch, Arthurian Mythology, Batman, the Bible, the Black Jewels series, the Bourne trilogy, Charlotte's Web, Code Geass, Death Note, Discworld, Doctor Who, Girl Genius, The Girl with the Silver Eyes, Glee, Gormenghast, Hamilton, Hexwood, The Homeward Bounders, Howl's Moving Castle, Labyrinth, Lord of the Rings, Lucifer (comics), Mad Max: Fury Road, Merlin, the Oz books, Ranma 1/2, Rise of the Guardians, Sailor Moon, Saiyuki, Seaward, Shakespeare, Star Wars, Tam Lin (Pamela Dean), Vorkosigan Saga, White Collar, Wolf Hall, X-Men, and Yu-Gi-Oh!)

Crossover Fanfiction
(I do not cross-list crossovers and fusions under their component fandoms; this is the only place to find them. Currently includes: the Anita Blake series, ASoIaF, Avatar: The Last Airbender, the Black Jewels series, BtVS, Cardcaptor Sakura, Chronicles of Narnia, the Darkangel trilogy, The Dark Is Rising, Discworld, Doctor Who, Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Ender's Game, Gundam Wing, Harry Potter, Hikaru no Go, Homestuck, Inception, the Indiana Jones movies, Leverage, Lucifer (comics), MCU (various), Merlin, Naruto, the Oz books, Sandman, Stargate: SG-1, Star Trek: AOS, Vorkosigan Saga, Welcome to Night Vale, and a couple other things that only appear in memes rather than actual fic.)

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ORIGINAL FICTION:

These stories are all mine! *grin* I use the same warning policy and quality rating system as for my fanfiction.

All Original Fiction

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My various bingo cards: Cotton Candy Bingo, Round One (blackout!); Cotton Candy Bingo, Round Two (blackout!); Genprompt Bingo, Round 12 (blackout!); Genprompt Bingo, Round 15; Ladies Bingo; Daredevil Bingo; Domestic AU Prompt List

If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

Batch the first, more to come. :)

All prompts drawn from the 2022 iteration of the Three Sentence Ficathon (post one and post two), hosted by the wonderful rthstewart. Come play with us!

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( 1.Collapse ) For kalira: any, any, tea makes everything better, written 1/15/22

Relevant Applications (100 words)

Fandom = The Magnus Archives

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"Tea most certainly does not make everything better," Jon snapped, "which is trivially easy to demonstrate: consider a stack of papers or an electronic device; under what circumstances would they be improved by the application of tea?"

"Oh that is hard, let me think -- no, wait, a toddler could solve it!" Melanie sniped back; "The relevant circumstance is when the statements and tape recorders are evil, just like the ones we handle every day but you won't let me destroy."

In the break room doorway, Martin paused, sighed, and turned around to gather more supplies; some situations also required biscuits.

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( 2.Collapse ) For anonymous: Any, any, children's hospitals and colour theory, written 1/15/22

Civic Responsibility (220 words)

Fandom = Addams Family. Nine sentences, oops! (Contains references to Covid-19)

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"Red is an ideal color for a children's hospital," Morticia remarked approvingly as she scrolled through the selection of gory and horror-themed memes that Pugsley had thoughtfully emailed to her. "Vibrant, eye-catching, and the way this design resembles a trail of spilt blood is a wonderful reminder that life is a constant, glorious battle. What better way to rouse a passion for renewed health?"

"A passion for renewed health is a little abstract for most people, but children haven't yet had their natural morbidity squashed into saccharine conformism and love to see their parents wrong-footed by reminders that life is inherently bloody and precarious," Wednesday said, her voice slightly flattened by the Zoom interface.

"All the better, then!" Morticia said. "There's never enough healthy morbidity in the world -- even now, surrounded by plague on a worldwide scale, the majority remain obstinately oblivious rather than taking the opportunity to indulge in a cathartic, years-long gothic swoon."

She tapped one glossy, ebon nail against her lips, considering. "Perhaps I should talk to your father about endowing some renovations or new services at the local hospital, on condition that we get full control over the interior design elements. I hear the staff are dreadfully overworked these days, and I'm sure they could use some support, to say nothing of a rousing color scheme."

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( 3.Collapse ) For syrena_of_the_lake: Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Cimorene, adventures in organizing a dragon's hoard, written 1/15/22

Delegation (210 words)

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The trouble with the King's Hoard (the Capital Letters were not only implied but pronounced) was, firstly, that it had been gathered over centuries and consequently had more time than any individual hoard for items to accumulate and to spoil (or have their spells start to fray, whichever was more applicable), and secondly, that it had been gathered and partially reorganized by multiple dragons during those centuries, which meant there was neither rhyme nor reason to be found.

Kazul's hoarding tended toward fancy weapons and rare magical items, but apparently other dragons were more interested in intricately woven carpets, or jewelry (Cimorene was unsure if the big gaudy items and the small delicate items came from two dragons or one with wide-ranging tastes), or silk paintings from Cathay, or fragmenting papyrus scrolls, or inconveniently large sculptures, or any number of mismatched themes -- many of which required special conservation skills that Cimorene did not have.

"We're hiring a director and turning the Hoard into a museum," she announced to Kazul at breakfast; "We'll pay the salary out of ticket sales, and trust me, once we publicize a list of what's in here, every scholar in the world will pay an arm and a leg for a chance to respectfully poke around."

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( 4.Collapse ) For rthstewart: Any, any, "no plan survives contact with the enemy", written 1/15/22

Cost-Benefit Analysis (50 words)

Fandom = The Magnus Archives

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"Of course we didn't plan everything," Annabelle said with a friendly smile. "Even the Mother can't control every variable, particularly when the other Dread Powers are in play; the effort would be far too costly and almost certainly doomed to failure."

"We prefer to focus on finding the right enemies."

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( 5.Collapse ) For elementalraven: Narnia/Journey to the center of the earth, any, Bism runs deeper and deeper still, written 1/15/22

Ouroboros (110 words)

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In another life, Rilian travels down: down from the Sunless Lands that were his prison for unknown changeless years, down through the fiery dance and pulsing joy of Bism, down through the deepest crevices where heat and light gush up through stone like blood, down past where anyone has ever traveled and returned.

In the deepest bend of the deepest tunnel, chasing the faintest glint of light, he swings his borrowed axe until he breaks through a shell of diamond to a sky of velvet black, bestrewn with its own living jewels who welcome him in echoes of his mother's voice.

The roots of the earth are nourished by stars.

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( 6.Collapse ) For scytale: any, any, no such thing as too many kittens, written 1/15/22

Roxy Lalonde's No-Frills, No-Fee Cat Café (165 words)

Fandom = Homestuck

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Listen, you have had a Very Difficult Year, and if defeating (or helping defeat) A) the alien fishqueen who destroyed your planet, B) an unbeatable universe-killing monster, and C) your own alcohol addiction, not to mention creating a whole new universe and recycling your poor battered homeworld doesn't entitle a lady to some choice rewards, you don't know what would.

And by rewards, you mean kittens.

Possibly slightly unwise numbers of kittens, but you are going to be a responsible cat owner this time around and get them all (well, mostly all) spayed and neutered at the appropriate ages, and make sure they have lots of space and enrichment and microchips to find them if they sneak out and get lost, and look -- you just want to make your home a comfy, welcoming place where all your friends can drop by whenever they want (or need) and there will always be fresh food, soft pillows, cool video games, and a purring cat for their laps.

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In more current writing news, am still hung up on the evil teacup story, but I have set it aside for the moment to percolate (I'm having trouble managing the tone shift from "this is a bad relationship" to "this is a supernatural horror story" and suspect I may need to add some more stuff to the lead-in) and am once again working on tiny fills. So, expect some more posts of this nature in days to come. :) If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

Niche skills I never expected to need: operating a freight elevator.

Niche skills I possess and have in fact used on multiple separate occasions, even though they have nothing to do with my job description: operating a freight elevator.

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On a tangentially related note, I know how to gently re-humidify crispy tobacco, set snap-traps for mice, program a certain type of outdated electronic scale/label printer, remove old tape residue from glass surfaces, and inventory an entire store and plan six months of product orders entirely by hand in pencil, courtesy of my old job at the smoke shop. (I do not recommend the latter. Electronic inventory is a blessing upon humankind.)

Also the freight elevator does not like to move in 10-degree weather, and needs so much WD-40 on some of the moving pieces. *slumps wearily over desk* If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

It is surprisingly difficult to sleep when you can't put pressure on half of your head or on your right hip.

(This post brought to you by the weird contortions and mangled pillows that finally allowed me to drift off last night. My poor pillow may never be the same, and it wasn't great sleep, but at least I got some rest.) If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

So last night I said to myself, "I bet the front steps will be slippery tomorrow morning, since it's been nearly 40 degrees today and there will be a hard freeze down into the mid-teens overnight. I should salt them."

But did I put salt on the steps? No I did not, because I was in a hurry to make some soup and get ready for the Board of Trustees meeting. And then I'd completely forgotten by the time the meeting was finished.

Normally this would not be a problem, because normally I am cautious on the steps as a general point of policy. However, I was rushing this morning as part of my plan to get to work early and make up for yesterday's time lost waiting at Goodyear, and what did I do?

Slipped on the icy steps and went down like a sack of hammers.

My glasses flew off. I dropped my bag. And I banged the shit out of the lower right of my skull, my right elbow, and my right hip/butt.

Fortunately nothing broke, and I do not have a concussion! But I had to lie on the cold, snow-dusted brick and concrete for a couple minutes, cursing and trying to recover my breath, before I was able to gingerly stand up. (And able to salt the damn steps! *headdesk*)

I spent the morning at work typing left-handed while holding a freezer pack to my head with my right (gloved) hand and felt like I was recovering.

And then, when I was out grabbing lunch, I realized my house keys were missing.

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I texted my neighbors, who hadn't seen them.

I then texted Landlord Dude to ask him to leave my front door unlocked after he finished unclogging my kitchen sink.

Fortunately, he was able to find my keys next to the steps where they'd flown out of my hand when I fell, and has left them tucked under my welcome mat.

So. All's well that ends well, I guess? If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

1. The Goodyear staff fixed my car! It turns out that the front right corner of the under-engine shield had torn loose, so they trimmed off the useless part and refastened the rest with some zip-ties, as one does. Apparently the fender also got knocked a little loose, and couldn't be reattached with complete security because one of the connecting bits snapped off, but it's functional enough and fender replacements are expensive, so I will let it be for now.

I also got my windshield wipers replaced while I was there, because I had the money and they had gotten a little ragged, so why not.

2. Tonight's board meeting ran a bit long but not as long as we feared, and my minutes are in very nice shape if I do say so myself. I also helped formulate a long and complicated motion that we basically wrote in real-time... and volunteered myself for a project, which is less cool, but it needed doing and it's something I can do fairly easily (write a thing and give it to the administrator to send out to the congregation), so eh. I will manage.

3. Landlord Dude was unfortunately unable to come fix my kitchen sink today, but he promised to come tomorrow, so that's also manageable.

I intend to work 9am-6pm tomorrow to make up for being an hour late today (on account of car stuff), and therefore I believe I shall go fall into bed. :) If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

Things that happened to me today:

1. Drove over a big chunk of ice that tore loose part of the plastic shield under my car engine. The plastic segment is now hanging down and scraping against the road when I drive, which makes a horrible racket and cannot possibly be good for my poor car. I have made an appointment with Goodyear to get it looked at tomorrow, and will get Mr. Geniality to drive me from Goodyear to work.

2. My kitchen sink clogged up again, the same way it did at the end of October. I dumped as much of the standing water as I could into my bathroom sink (which is draining fine), and have texted Landlord Dude to come unclog it tomorrow.

3. Found a dead mouse in the cabinets under the kitchen sink. *sigh* It had been there at least a day, long enough for ( gross details about dead animalsCollapse ) Anyway, I flicked it out into the snowy waste of the back yard (I didn't want to shovel my back steps just to dispose of a mouse), scrubbed down the shelf, and bleached the daylights out of the snap trap.

I will need to set a new trap after Landlord Dude fixes my drains.

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In other news, the Three Sentence Ficathon fill that got away from me is now 2,075 words and counting. What even is my life. *headdesk* If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

Okay, I dug out the front steps, the part of the front sidewalk between the steps and the driveway, the driveway, and my car. Also a good bit of the street in a bid NOT to have the snowplows build a rampart of snow I will need to shovel through when I return home.

I have mopped myself down with a cold washcloth, taken some ibuprofen and acetaminophen, put up my gross sweaty hair, and gathered my work supplies.

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I mean, technically I have permission from Aunt Boss not to arrive until 11am, but I think I'd rather sit around getting paid to do nothing in particular than sit around not getting paid to do nothing in particular.

And so I am off to work. Here's hoping the hills have been plowed better than my poor street! If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

I was like, "I will write a tiny Magnus Archives fill for this prompt, in which an OC gets eaten by an evil teacup that is a joint manifestation of the Vast and the Spiral!"

Eight hundred words later, this turned into a story about work and dreams and toxic relationships and I am only just getting around to where someone finally gets eaten by the evil teacup, which is actually an evil hand-thrown mug and which I think has decided it likes its new owner and is going to eat her horrible girlfriend instead.

*hands*

Brains, man. How do they even work.

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Also I did laundry, ordered some file cabinet drawer inserts, and baked a batch of Laddie's hotdish for dinner, because I could. Now I think I shall procrastinate again by putting new sheets on my bed. *wry* If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)

Three-Sentence Ficathon 2022, courtesy of the amazing rthstewart!

I am at work and trying to actually Do Tasks, so I will not be participating just yet... but the moment I get home, I intend to dive in. :DDDDDDDD If you want to comment on this post, you can do so over here on Dreamwidth, where there are currently ( comments)