Not that long ago I used to wait for the time when the yelling and swearing would end, but now a part of me misses it.  Sometimes I wonder if I am expecting too much stability from others.       

        Each time it happens less and less, with the duration of each "episode" lasting for a shorter period.  

A few days ago I had my first experience with phychosis, and from what I can remember from it... my dreams will continue to haunt me for years to come.

        I was looking forward to things calming down for a few months, but I was (yet again) made aware that the family drama on my mom's side is far from over.  Sunday afternoon should be "interesting", we both agreed that we wouldn't stay the whole time.  All of that saying about small minds spreading gossip does not comfort me when I am in the midst of it.  Even though some of them are blood relatives, I can take pride in the fact that I haven't had to put up with their shit for years.

        I have recently gotten back into the world of cross stitch.  And now I remember why I gave it up in the first place.  Most days my hands shake too much to hold a needle steady, and focusing on small details makes me remember that I need reading glasses badly.  And yet, searching for new patterns has been a great way to make an afternoon fly by.  Free patterns on Pinterest are great, but some of the really detailed kits have cought my eye.  And then thinking about how I would rather spend eighty odd hours of my life, it all seems like too much.  I might stick with a few smaller ones for now, just to test the water a bit.  

        I truly am glad that my mom is trying to move on and start dating again.  Her ex-husband really was a lazy piece of shit.  I feel bad for her because she isn't used to being treated with dignity and respect by someone that should be considering her as their equal.  I have had similar experiences myself, and it takes strong will and determination to end the abuse.

        Alice and I told my dad about her being trans, and he was completely accepting about it.  Calm and respectful the whole time, without trying to make it seem like "a bad choice" to be making.  He even mentioned that we should tell him what pronouns to use, and that he would talk to my sisters to make sure they would work on being more accepting.  And like that, my mind was blown. Maybe there is some small shred of hope out there.  I have yet to come out as trans myself, and I am still at the point that merely typing this out makes me feel like vomiting.

        Binge watching Adventure Time has helped somewhat with my anxious racing thoughts, but because of all of the family related bullshit I am nowhere near calm and stable.

        Our appointment earlier went much better than I had thought it would.  I absolutely despise meeting new people, especially when they have the power to control my freedom and my rights.  I am more than aware that I do tend to generalize when it comes to how doctors and case managers have treated me in the past, but it is true that for the most part they will treat everyone else as though they are the same to the point of it becoming one giant stereotype.  

        Not remembering the words someone spoke usually makes it hard to place any blame on anyone.  

        Wednesday's fight lasted for a lot longer than it should have.  I still feel drained from it.  I will probably never be able to accept that someone is worthy of praise and instant respect, when they have done nothing to deserve it.  

        Right now I am back to believing that sleep is nothing but a waste of time.  But this is the first time that someone else has tried to convince me of this.  I must learn to speak up when spoken to, and drink endless amounts of coffee.

        Even though I am scared shitless about going to the hospital tomorrow to try and be admitted for suicide watch, right now all I can think about is how much eyeballs freak me out when I am high.  Especially cartoon ones.

        

Are you quite curious,
Filled with what-ifs and wonders?

Or do you prefer facts and truth
over curiousity's blunders?

        Right now I am so tempted to tell someone what is going on, consequences be damned.


“Commitment is that turning point in your life when you seize the moment and convert it into an opportunity to alter your destiny.”

        If kissing is "a social thing" then so is using toothpaste.

        While battling through another kidney infection, I guess I have some big decisions to make.  

        I absolutely hate waiting for a ride to come, especially when they haven't bothered to call before arriving.  And yet, since I also hate confrontation I could never come out and say so.