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I am not fat, I am sexy succulent!
Plump like a roast and thicker then most.
17 January 2010 @ 02:03 pm
Whoohoo! I make a chance to win this cd!
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kpop_groups28 September 2008 @ 02:55 am
How fucking dare you expect that after all these years I am going to let you in again. You think that after all the shit you put me through I will EVER let you into my life. Well deary it's too little too late. You have NEVER been a father to me or any of your other children, why bother now. Or did you forget about the rest, about Leanne, Stephen, Debra...did you just simply drug them out of your life...? You may be a father for Logan, at least I hope for his sake you NEVER treat him the way you treat the rest of us.
What happened did you suddenly develop a guilty mind after all these years, or did all the drugs you ingest just stop working. Either way, it doesn't fucking matter. YOU WILL NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO HURT ME AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME ALLEN....NEVER AGAIN! I strip you of that power, you no longer have any hold on me. Save for the small section of my heart that waits for the news of your expiration. At least then I will have the piece of mind knowing that your shadow will not haunt me again. Knowing that this monster from my past will no longer ooze into my life.
Leanne asked me the other day, "How is it Allen can manage to be a father, and be there for Logan, when he was NEVER here for us."
I think all of us, all four of your children, the ones you swept aside like trash, deserve an explaination to that question. The only difference is that there are three of us that don't give a flying fuck anymore. I am so fucking sick of hearing your excuses, and of you blaming other people, I think if I hear one more I might just try to rip your spitefull tongue out.
I loved the one you made up about my being molested Allen, that was an original. And you know for years I wondered, if you knew who the person was that really molested me why did you run away like a coward instead of fight for your child. Then I got ahole of something that made it perfectly clear why you ran away like the fucking coward you are. NOT ONLY WERE YOU SUSPECTED OF MOLESTING ME, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WERE BEING INVESTIGATED FOR CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!
That's right I found out exactly why you ran, and why you never bothered to come back. Though you did try when you found out we no longer lived in Alaska, you could visit us without running the risk of being caught.
And all these years I spent wondering if I was going to wind up like the monster that lent his sperm to my mother. I could never be like you Allen, not in a million years. I can't count how many times I have tried to deny, even bleed away, the parts of me that have anything to do with you. Just thinking that I have anything about you in my body makes me sick to my stomache. Thinking that I EVER wanted to know who you were makes me feel ashamed inside.
But all that has ended Allen. You see, I found people who love me...who truly love me. People who help make me strong enough to survive, who help make me believe in myself. Which is more then I will ever say about you.
I regret that this will probablly affect my getting to know Logan. However, my giving him and Annette my phone number was not an invitation for you to call me. It was in invitation for her and Logan to call me. Unlike you, who has no desire to know your family other then when it's convenient for you to do so, I would like to know my younger brother. I can only hope that he will NEVER know who you truly are.
The only think I have left to say to you Allen is: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, JUST HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!
Rian Korie (dean)
02 September 2008 @ 11:01 am
So I made it to school in one piece, I think...I will let you all know next week LoL Things are good...going somewhat smoothly so far. Everyone has been helpful and polite, not as assholeish as I originally thought they would be. I have my first class this afternoon, yay for math LoL, so I am not sure what my course load is going to be yet. I am planning on posting this weekend and letting everyone know what's going on once I have a better idea. So far that's it...no real drama yet, and I plan on keeping it that way.
Dean
Dean
Current Mood: 
calm
calmCurrent Location: Commons Building
Current Music: Rammstein - Eifersucht
27 August 2008 @ 12:22 pm
I have just shy of 32 hours before I leave. I will post tomorrow night and let you all know when I am leaving for the bus. I will also try to post when I get to my destination so that you all know I got there safely.
Dean
Dean
Current Mood: 
nervous
nervous29 April 2008 @ 04:40 am
I have come to the conclusion that I do not have a heart. Instead there is a tidy little box in it's place...one that never needs to be dusted or reorganized, it just stays neat and tidy and locked inside. That is of course until it feels the need to open for someone, or something. And it does, much to my dismay, do this of it's own accord. Within this box I have the memory of all the people that I love...those that I consider my family and those that I truly believe I fell in love with. I do not believe in the conventional sense of the word love, you can apply it to so much these days that it loses it's sentiment. It's hard to explain the way that I see love...most people wouldn't understand it, and thus they would call it infatuation or 'puppy-love'. But I assure you it is much deeper then all of that. And with all of this I still don't know why I am sitting here crying, or why I cry at all anymore. All I know is that when the box that locks all of these memories away opens itself I always wind up hurt...without fail. Perhaps I am crying now for all the times that I should have cried in the past. Maybe I am crying now for the people I never cried for back then. Either way I have to figure out how to make this stop...it's not conclusive to the person that I wish to be. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to turn my emotions off permanently like I have in the past, I just want them to be about 95% less intrusive to my current life.
...
I don't think that anyone of you who read this, if any of you do, are going to care about this...but I need to vent. I wish I could just go out into the middle of a field somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs...but I don't have a way out into the middle of the woods.
...
My head, my heart, my soul, and my self hurts right now...why do the tears have to fall even when you should be happy? Why do things like sadness, hurt, and anger pop up when you least expect them to?
...
And the one thing that I want more then anything in the world right now seems to not be in the fates for me at all. I just want to be held by someone who loves me. Want to once feel wanted for something more then just sex, or my ability to suck cock. I just want to fall asleep in someones arms and be held in safety all night long, to wake up next to someone that makes me smile for no reason at all.
...
Fuck it...maybe I will just snuggle with the warm end of a freshly fired semi-automatic rifle. LoL
...
I don't think that anyone of you who read this, if any of you do, are going to care about this...but I need to vent. I wish I could just go out into the middle of a field somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs...but I don't have a way out into the middle of the woods.
...
My head, my heart, my soul, and my self hurts right now...why do the tears have to fall even when you should be happy? Why do things like sadness, hurt, and anger pop up when you least expect them to?
...
And the one thing that I want more then anything in the world right now seems to not be in the fates for me at all. I just want to be held by someone who loves me. Want to once feel wanted for something more then just sex, or my ability to suck cock. I just want to fall asleep in someones arms and be held in safety all night long, to wake up next to someone that makes me smile for no reason at all.
...
Fuck it...maybe I will just snuggle with the warm end of a freshly fired semi-automatic rifle. LoL
31 March 2008 @ 04:36 pm
30 March 2008 @ 02:04 am
His mind is like the inside of a black hole,
though not on the negative side,
you can only know it if you have had the chance
to fall in.
The space there is filled with infinite unknowns,
swirling around in a colorful,
yet colorless,
pool of unbounded knowledge.
To sit and listen to him talk
is like listening to an ancient wise man...
you know the ones that have seen the universe
and lived to tell about it.
And yet I know that inside him there
is so much more then the universe
will ever let anyone know.
I see it in his eyes when I sit there just looking at him.
What's behind his eyes changes so drastically,
full to empty;
happy to sad;
excited to angry;
his eyes can go through the gamat of
human emotions in all of minutes,
when he's not focused on something.
And yet with all of this knowledge,
all of this wisdom,
and all of this strength inside of him he
is still as innocent as a new born baby.
Innocent except for that he is human,
like all of us.
His fear of letting people down if he
shows himself.
The burden of hiding behind false pretense,
to peak out from that wall would be more then
he could bear.
The unspoken comfort zone that prevents him
from letting the world see the gifts he has to offer.
All of these things prove he is still only human
after all.
And yet one day I know that he will walk a path
that leads to great things in this world...
I know that he will inspire the people around him
to be better then who they thought they were
(without even knowing he does it)...
I know that in the end,
whether he thinks we won't,
those of us he has touched with his light
will remember him always.
We will take what knowledge we can from him
and pass it on to others.
We will blend his precious gifts into our own lives
protecting them as he does.
This boy,
ney this man,
is radiant of light itself...
though you cannot see it if you don't know what
you are looking for.
His warmth;
his kindness;
his heart;
his soul;
his touch;
his words;
his breath;
the very core of him
all these things shine so brightly,
it's painful to realize the he himself can't even see it...
but worse to know that some that would claim him
will never see it so long as they live.
...
And to him I say only this:
What I thought to be you,
what I thought to be your core,
is nothing more then existential bullshit.
The person that I have come to know...
the one who makes me weak;
who makes me flustered;
who makes me melt;
who makes me feel so unexplainably safe...
that is the person I will walk away loving.
This is the person that I will remember,
even if we don't meet again,
until the day my memories are meant to fade
into the distance.
I can only pray that someday you will wake from this
and be able to open your heart and your soul
to others around you.
...
With love my dear boy,
I bid the farewell.
Take care and be safe on this,
your long and wise journey through life.
though not on the negative side,
you can only know it if you have had the chance
to fall in.
The space there is filled with infinite unknowns,
swirling around in a colorful,
yet colorless,
pool of unbounded knowledge.
To sit and listen to him talk
is like listening to an ancient wise man...
you know the ones that have seen the universe
and lived to tell about it.
And yet I know that inside him there
is so much more then the universe
will ever let anyone know.
I see it in his eyes when I sit there just looking at him.
What's behind his eyes changes so drastically,
full to empty;
happy to sad;
excited to angry;
his eyes can go through the gamat of
human emotions in all of minutes,
when he's not focused on something.
And yet with all of this knowledge,
all of this wisdom,
and all of this strength inside of him he
is still as innocent as a new born baby.
Innocent except for that he is human,
like all of us.
His fear of letting people down if he
shows himself.
The burden of hiding behind false pretense,
to peak out from that wall would be more then
he could bear.
The unspoken comfort zone that prevents him
from letting the world see the gifts he has to offer.
All of these things prove he is still only human
after all.
And yet one day I know that he will walk a path
that leads to great things in this world...
I know that he will inspire the people around him
to be better then who they thought they were
(without even knowing he does it)...
I know that in the end,
whether he thinks we won't,
those of us he has touched with his light
will remember him always.
We will take what knowledge we can from him
and pass it on to others.
We will blend his precious gifts into our own lives
protecting them as he does.
This boy,
ney this man,
is radiant of light itself...
though you cannot see it if you don't know what
you are looking for.
His warmth;
his kindness;
his heart;
his soul;
his touch;
his words;
his breath;
the very core of him
all these things shine so brightly,
it's painful to realize the he himself can't even see it...
but worse to know that some that would claim him
will never see it so long as they live.
...
And to him I say only this:
What I thought to be you,
what I thought to be your core,
is nothing more then existential bullshit.
The person that I have come to know...
the one who makes me weak;
who makes me flustered;
who makes me melt;
who makes me feel so unexplainably safe...
that is the person I will walk away loving.
This is the person that I will remember,
even if we don't meet again,
until the day my memories are meant to fade
into the distance.
I can only pray that someday you will wake from this
and be able to open your heart and your soul
to others around you.
...
With love my dear boy,
I bid the farewell.
Take care and be safe on this,
your long and wise journey through life.
Current Music: Celtic Wonder - Siuil a Run - Reeltime
Current Mood: 
apathetic
apathetic27 March 2008 @ 01:41 am
in your dreams in which you realize that you are dreaming of something that is screaming out at you from the midst of reality. All your fears, and your anger, culminate into something so real and life-like in your dreams that you would think that they are truly happening around you. The sky will turn black as pitch, people will die horrible and tragic deaths, pain will seem all to real, and you will feel your heart begin to race. You'll even wake at some point, maybe several times, and panic because you don't remember where you are. Then, as you c lose your eyes, you will see it all again...as real as it was before. There is no escape from this...no point in which you can tell youself you are only dreaming and that it is not real. So you let conscience succumb to your subconcience, you let yourself fall into the current reality that is setting itself up around you. You smell, taste, feel, hear, see all the things around you and believe that they are real. And when you finally wake up, for that last minute, you will still not understand that what you just saw was only a dream. You will look around in panic because you do not recognize where you are. You will try not to let yourself scream and grow afraid, if you ignore it then it isn't real. Then that moment of clarity will come, the moment when everything falls into place and you realize that you were dreaming and you are currently safe in your own bed.
...
...
...
It is that moment of clarity that I am waiting for. That moment when things begin to come to some sort of sense. That moment where I stop panicing because I don't recognize my surroundings anymore. That moment that the sleep will fall from my eyes and I will once again be awake.
...
...
...
But it is also that moment of clarity that I am unsure if I want.
If I wake up and all of this has truly been a dream what will happen then? Can I not go back to sleep and dream of only the good things, or do I have to take the bad in again?
...
...
...
It is that moment of clarity that I am waiting for. That moment when things begin to come to some sort of sense. That moment where I stop panicing because I don't recognize my surroundings anymore. That moment that the sleep will fall from my eyes and I will once again be awake.
...
...
...
But it is also that moment of clarity that I am unsure if I want.
If I wake up and all of this has truly been a dream what will happen then? Can I not go back to sleep and dream of only the good things, or do I have to take the bad in again?
Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplativeCurrent Location: yo daddies face
Current Music: computers humming in the background
24 March 2008 @ 01:30 am
What I see often makes me wonder if others see it too. The constant circles that run their course throughout our lives. The most prominent being the circle between that which makes us feel good, and that which makes us hurt. There are always consequences for the things that happen...never have I seen something that did not have a purpose. I have seen plenty where the purpose wasn't clear until the end, or later...but there is always purpose.
...
So why am I sitting here feeling so utterly lost and confused? What happened had to have had a reason for happening when, and how, it did. For weeks now the only thing that I have wanted was to be curled up next to someone...to be held and feel wanted.
...
I found myself watching 'him' sleep and wondering if 'he' would do. Not because I 'wanted' him but because I needed that contact. So when it actually happened, through his initiative, I didn't know what to think. It started with the back-rub...which anyone who knows me can tell you is a big deal. Anyhow, it felt right for some reason; felt strangely comforting. And when he told me what he told me I still didn't feel ackward...not even when he laid flat against my back, with his head on my shoulder. It was strangely relaxing and still, somehow, managed to feel right. I soon found myself letting him wrap his body around mine, first his leg and then his arm...as he wrapped his arm around my chest he let his fingers lace with mine. We layed like that for some time until I kissed him, and even that felt right.
...
It felt so good to have that contact, that wanted feeling in my life again...so what's the problem, why am I sitting here beating myself up instead of accepting it for what it was? This is the golden question I have been asking myself for the past two days now, and I can't seem to find the fucking answer.
...
I know he was on 'E' at the time, or coming down from it I guess. I know that he's upset over his 'relationship' such as it is/was. What I don't know is why he chose me to tell all of this to. I don't know why he chose that moment in time to tell me, or ask me, some of the things that he did. I don't know why he let it go where, or as far as, it did. I don't know if it was purely because of what he was on. I don't know if it's because he was, in his mind, using me to get back at 'her'. So you see...it's that circle between what feels good, and what hurts us.
...
If someone out there knows how to break those circles that form in our lives, then please let me know. I could use something a bit different...maybe a trapezoid, or a obtuse triangle...or just something new.
...
...
...
The EXTREMELY confused Gay Man.
...
So why am I sitting here feeling so utterly lost and confused? What happened had to have had a reason for happening when, and how, it did. For weeks now the only thing that I have wanted was to be curled up next to someone...to be held and feel wanted.
...
I found myself watching 'him' sleep and wondering if 'he' would do. Not because I 'wanted' him but because I needed that contact. So when it actually happened, through his initiative, I didn't know what to think. It started with the back-rub...which anyone who knows me can tell you is a big deal. Anyhow, it felt right for some reason; felt strangely comforting. And when he told me what he told me I still didn't feel ackward...not even when he laid flat against my back, with his head on my shoulder. It was strangely relaxing and still, somehow, managed to feel right. I soon found myself letting him wrap his body around mine, first his leg and then his arm...as he wrapped his arm around my chest he let his fingers lace with mine. We layed like that for some time until I kissed him, and even that felt right.
...
It felt so good to have that contact, that wanted feeling in my life again...so what's the problem, why am I sitting here beating myself up instead of accepting it for what it was? This is the golden question I have been asking myself for the past two days now, and I can't seem to find the fucking answer.
...
I know he was on 'E' at the time, or coming down from it I guess. I know that he's upset over his 'relationship' such as it is/was. What I don't know is why he chose me to tell all of this to. I don't know why he chose that moment in time to tell me, or ask me, some of the things that he did. I don't know why he let it go where, or as far as, it did. I don't know if it was purely because of what he was on. I don't know if it's because he was, in his mind, using me to get back at 'her'. So you see...it's that circle between what feels good, and what hurts us.
...
If someone out there knows how to break those circles that form in our lives, then please let me know. I could use something a bit different...maybe a trapezoid, or a obtuse triangle...or just something new.
...
...
...
The EXTREMELY confused Gay Man.