For the many dialogues and scenarios that exist in my mind daily, many of them are not developed within my own thought processes. By writing them down for my eyes to see, much of what I would hide (from) is released. I am committed to write down those thoughts without alteration or else I remain bound to  them. Many of these thoughts do not provide me pleasure or enjoyment. And when they do, I now know after years of experience that they are only made more dangerous. I attempt to achieve the same understanding with my writing that I have for the thoughts that plague my mind: that they are not made more friendly or more loving by being visible on a page, and particularly that I do not own them. They remain foreign thoughts.

The process that I am thus engaged to disassociate myself with the deception of my mind dominates my writing in topic, genre, and style. This cleaning out process has been heavily influenced by the writings of King Solomon. “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.” The ability to dismiss delusional thoughts is a capability not often afforded within mental illness. 

King Solomon, in all his attempts to uncover substance–the same endeavors that we embark on today– falls short. “I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem,” he says. “And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven…I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.”

I align my work with King Solomon’s search for substance, but even more so, his recognition of the lack thereof and willingness to honestly acknowledge his own failed attempts to acquire meaning, no matter how pitiful or decrepit. Reckoning myself with the diagnosis of mental illness is exactly this work. Establishing myself without, or outside of that diagnosis will be translatable within a mind stuck, deceived by vanity.