Frame – Throwback

Head Servant or Servant Leadership?

man-teaching-woman-in-front-of-monitor-3285203

I have a problem with servant leadership or maybe just the way it is taught. I am taught to be a servant leader at church and at the corporation I work for. In the corporate world this concept works quite well the way it is taught. But the majority of what I hear from the pulpits, preached online and taught in christian books doesn’t work. The difference I see is the over emphasis on serving when teaching christian men. In the corporate setting the hierarchy is clear. You know your boss and generally speaking you know you will be held accountable if you are not doing your job. Your boss serves you by removing obstacles that would prevent you from doing your job or providing training to help you navigate those challenges your self. A good boss wants to see you grow and flourish in your role. Part of the way the do this is by reviewing your performance, rewarding the positives as well as coming up with a plan to address weaknesses and shortcomings.

I have had good bosses, self proclaiming christian men even that do this at work but at home they call her the boss, they do what she says and rarely hold her accountable. This is not right. We are called to be the head servant to our family.

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the traditions just as I passed them on to you.

But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. I Corinthians 11:1-3

It is expected that a head servant be a faithful and wise manager holding those in subjection to him accountable even as he is accountable to his master.

And the Lord said, “Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed in coming,’ and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and get drunk, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know, and will cut him in pieces and put him with the unfaithful.

And that servant who knew his master’s will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating. But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. Luke 12:42-48

To me, thinking of myself as the head servant works far better to aligning my thoughts to be a godly husband and father than the idea of being a servant leader.

Insulting God’s image

“My better half” I have heard this phrase so many times over five decades usually during introductions but also frequently from the pulpit. I know it is just self deprecating humor, but is it? Don’t even “jokes” influence a persons thinking? Will our children hearing this repeated as they grow up be left uninfluenced?

I think that this type of talk is damaging because it insults God’s image which is man.

For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. I Corinthians 11:7

So if I introduce my wife as my “better half”, essential the message I am conveying is that what God made for my glory is better than what God made for His glory. To me that is like saying to God, “Well God, at least you did better the second time around”. That is not the message I want my children internalizing. I want my sons internalizing that they are made in God’s image and desiring to live up to that glorious ideal through the power of God working in them. I want my daughter to respect men and be a helper suitable for her husband so that they will together glorify God.

Just my opinion.

Christ’s example to husbands

I have read so many articles and books about marriage and being a godly husband where scriptures are just sprinkled in but the majority of the writing expresses the authors opinions and deviates from the Word. So I want to try the opposite here.

Take care of her spiritual, physical and emotional needs like you care for yourself.

Ephesians 5 23 – 30 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Expect obedience and model obedience.

John 15:10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love ; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

Teach her to serve with humility.

John 13: 12 – 16 When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you?

You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am.

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him

Pray for her, pray for oneness.

John 17: 9-11 “I ask on their behalf ; I do not ask on behalf of the world, but of those whom You have given Me; for they are Yours; and all things that are Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine ; and I have been glorified in them. I am no longer in the world ; and yet they themselves are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are.”

Use your God given authority.
Be the family law giver.

John 14:15 “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.
I Thessalonians 4:2 For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.

Don’t tolerate dishonesty.

Acts 5:4-5 “While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control ? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart ? You have not lied to men but to God.” And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last ; and great fear came over all who heard of it.

Call out her blind spots.

I Cor 11:31-32 But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged.
But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.

Correct and discipline her, it leads to reward.

Rev 3:19-22 ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline ; therefore be zealous and repent. ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock ; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’ “

Love Discipline

discipline

Discipline in many ways is as complicated to define as love. Looking at the varied definitions of the word, I think of it as the process of bringing order to one or more people. In the case of a group of people their has to be a leader with authority in order for the process to work. Discipline is neither good or evil because it can be used for either. A disciplined group of bank robbers is far more likely to be successful in a heist than an undisciplined one. A disciplined man can rule his family like a mafia boss or as a righteous ruler.

To lead well begins with a love of discipline. Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.[Proverb 12:1] If you are looking for a wife, look for a woman who demonstrates an understanding of this principal. If you have children teach them the importance of it.

Discipline is a blessing.

Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. [Job 5:17]

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,[Psalm 94:12]

Discipline is needed for growth.

For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, [Proverb 6:23]

Lack of discipline is dangerous

He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.[Proverb 5:23]

Discipline begins with you.

I see discipline as a mix of instruction, training and correction. Instruction sets expectations and boundaries. Training helps cement instructions. And correction is correcting a deviation from what is expected.

But my experience has taught me that it is best to lead by example. It is difficult to respect a leader who doesn’t try to live up to their own expectations. As a leader we need to be cognizant of our own areas of negligence. If you are a glutton don’t be surprised if you have an overweight family. Begin working on your area(s) of negligence then you can confidently lead your family in working on their area(s).

When it comes to disciplining your wife the apostle Paul describes it as washing her with the word . If you want a more in depth discussion or practical advice check out the article from BiblicalGenderRoles.

NOTE: All biblical references are from the ESV

Covering Confrontation

It has been over a month since I wrote my post about Struggling with conviction – Head Coverings . During that time a couple from an orphanage we support in India came to visit and make a report to our church. The husband made his report with his wife by his side and then our pastor came up to pray for them. The wife calmly lifted her head covering from around her neck to cover her hair before the prayer and the expression on her face was so reverential, an expression that I thought of as beautiful submission.

That day I was sure that this symbol was something good and helpful for spiritual growth in a similar way to communion, which is covered in the same chapter; I Corinthians 11. The Corinthian church in their spiritual immaturity were in the first case ignoring one custom and making a mockery of the other.

I know I have gotten off track. I decided to talk to my wife on our Sunday afternoon walk. I told her about how I had been struggling with these convictions off and on over the last decade and had gone back to excepting the excuses that most every one else was making to ignore the head covering custom. I told her about watching it in action that Sunday when the couple from India visited and how beautiful I thought the symbolism was. And talked about how we should bring this symbolic custom back. She said nothing and continued to say nothing as if I had never spoken of this.

The next morning I left the head coverings I had bought in plain sight on top of her dresser and left for work. Finally on Friday night she asked to talk and she showed me this article at Bible.org

But the only part she wanted me to look at was this paragraph:

Today, however, the situation is quite different, at least in the West. For a woman to wear a head covering⁷ would seem to be a distinctively humiliating experience. Many women–even biblically submissive wives–resist the notion precisely because they feel awkward and self-conscious. But the head covering in Paul’s day was intended only to display the woman’s subordination, not her humiliation.

I replied with, I understand that you could feel this way but I think you will get sympathy where I will probably get ridiculed. I won’t go into the emotional storm that went on for the next 20 minutes but it ended with her finally conceding that she wasn’t closed to the notion and she asked if she could talk to her friends and pray about it. I agreed to that because this is a public action and those conversations are inevitable.

The second Sunday after this she surprised me by wearing a head covering even though she never got around to talking to her friends.

Mother’s day Sermon – Expected Disappointment

Another Mother’s day sermon and another repeat of the complementarian lie to men.

Our pastor spoke of the strong, godly judge Deborah and then the wisdom of Solomon’s mother given to him in the first nine verses of Proverbs 31. He pointed out how wisdom is personified as a woman.
Then we went to Ephesians five joking about how dangerous that is in our culture. He gave a strong admonition to live God’s way and not by our culture. He exhorted wives to submit to their husbands even if they are jerks.
All good teaching! But then comes the tired lie I have heard so often and once believed. It goes something like this, Now men, this does not mean you tell your wife to submit. The word says that she is to be subject not that you should subjugate her. Your job is just to love her.

That is the end of the message. There may be no blatant lie there but the implication given by leaving out Paul’s description of what that love looks like, in my mind becomes a lie of omission.

So l will talk about those next four verses: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

In these verses I read that a godly man should sacrificially love his wife as Christ loved the church, “that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.” I have heard so many sermons my whole life ( I am a preacher’s kid) and so many that stopped after verse 25. But, I came to another time of struggle in my marriage and pleading with God for insight. When I read those words, this time my focused was shifted. I began to see that my role as a husband was not to make her happy but to walk with her towards holiness. In verse 28 Paul exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. To truly care for your body do you give it whatever it wants? Or do you discipline it knowing that a healthy body can not be indulged and needs exercise. Paul also talks about this, although it is in another context, the principle is the same. I Corinthians 9:27 But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

According to God’s word marriage is a one flesh relationship with the husband as the head and responsible for that body to nourish it and cherish the relationship. Being a jerk, a tyrant does not accomplish that but the goal is still to bring the relationship into subjection to God. That requires grace, mercy and discipline.

I used relationship instead of wife in the last paragraph because together you are a body, one flesh so the head must lead the way in subjection. When I lack discipline my body suffers. I become fat, my possessions begin to fall apart and if I let this continue I become a slave. A slave to the weight to great to carry. A slave to addiction or even a slave to my or her emotions.

Telling husbands not to admonish a rebellious wife and just love her is not love it is apathy.

Grieved

I experienced another example of the abdication of men in the Western church. An elder and his wife were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. One of the pastors announced it from the pulpit to applause. As the applause died down the pastor asked for advice from the elder. Boldly the elder declared. “Do what she says!” The pastor replied, “That sounds like good advice, I won’t go there.”
It was all made to sound like a bit of a joke, but most know it is not. I grieve for the young men and women who are not receiving sound biblical teaching in this important area of life.

Relationship Agreement – feedback and analysis

In my earlier post I proposed a biblical based relationship agreement.

Since I have little readership at this point, I posted it on a christian sub-reddit.

Funny thing though, I got little feedback answering the questions I asked:

Do you see any value in this type of agreement? Why or why not?

Is there anything you would add or exclude?

I did trigger some enlightening responses.

SkimTheDross had issues with the legalistic nature of the agreement which I agree may be problematic for some couples. But I think some couples may find comfort in clearly defined roles and responsibilities. It seems to me that some personalities are drawn to this. Level of maturity is also a factor. The immature need clear rules and discipline to train them in righteousness.

Red-Curious thought this was an attempt to negotiate attraction. I replied: Never thought of it in terms of attraction. But this sort of thing seems to have caught on in some part because of it’s use by the fictional alpha in fifty shades. It is a way of getting explicit consent.

Origional_Username7 was enthusiastic about doing this type of agreement to protect himself from the type of harm his ex caused him.

Willow-girl in true feminist thinking suggested punishments for the husband.

My reply: God and the government take care of that and it can be hell.

Nyqil-Junkie had the most amusing comments:

Some woman is gonna make a fine desk ornament out of your testicles.

AND

Oh you’re gonna have the best marriage ever. I just wanna know how much tranquilizer this will take to get her to sign it. Like loopy she can still stand and talk levels or the full Cosby?

I found these to be the most valuable comments:

Deep_Strength

Or just do Bible studies with her on the Scriptural marital roles and responsibilities every so often and ask her questions to see what she thinks.

Good opportunity to teach her and/or see if she has an attitude that is prone to rebel if it’s not correctable (at which point you could dump her if you’re not married).

Check out his thought provoking blog.

NoFaithInThisSub

You wouldn’t need this contract if Christians only embraced the whole NT in its plain form.

Men do your bit, women do yours.

IMHO: This type of agreement is just a more detailed version of vows and may be useful to some people but it does nothing to foster love, submission or attraction and probably does little to nothing to protect you legally.

The relationship agreement experiment

Relationship Agreement

I heard about relationship agreements and marriage contracts so I thought I would write up sample agreement from a conservative Christian view.

Do you see any value in this type of agreement? Why or why not?

Is there anything you would add or exclude?

As followers of Jesus Christ we ________________ and ___________ agree to live out our marriage based on the authority of the holy scriptures and not according to the customs of the current culture.

Responsibilities
________________
The husband’s primary responsibility is to rule his wife with love.
The following responsibilities are for practical guidance in daily life.
The husband is responsible to provide financially for the wife’s care. This includes sufficient healthy food, adequate clothing and shelter appropriate for the environment and access to available and normative health care.
The husband must be forgiving so that bitterness does not ruin the relationship.
The husband is responsible to be emotionally and sexually available as needed except where it will interfere with other responsibilities.
The husband is responsible to encourage his wife’s spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth.
The husband is responsible for purchase and maintenance of property such as real estate, vehicles and appliances but may at his discretion delegate these responsibilities.
The husband will protect his wife to the best of his ability and willing to sacrifice his own life if necessary to protect her.
The husband must prayerfully consider any respectful appeal from his wife.
Relevant scriptures KJV:
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Genesis 3:15-16 KJV
heel. [16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow i and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to j thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 KJV
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: a and likewise also the wife unto the husband. [4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

The wife’s primary responsibility is to respectfully submit to her husband.
The following responsibilities are for practical guidance in daily life. It is understood that life will get in the way.
The wife must be respectful to her husband.
The wife is responsible to be a helper to her husband and his mission. The type of help required can only be determined by her husband.
The wife is responsible to be available for sex as needed.
The wife is responsible for nurturing the children.
The wife must bring any problems with the family assets to the attention of her husband in a timely manner.
The wife is responsible for maintaining her health and appearance to a level acceptable to her husband.
The wife is responsible to develop a meek and quiet spirit.
The wife is responsible to dress modestly under the direction of her husband.
With the help of God, the wife is responsible to conceive children at her husbands discretion.
Relevant scriptures KJV:
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:4 KJV
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1 Peter 3:1-6 KJV
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the a word be won by the conversation b of the wives; [2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. [3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; [4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. [5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: [6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Genesis 1:28 KJV
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish j the earth, and subdue it:

Authority
_________
Definition: the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.
“he had absolute authority over his subordinates”
synonyms: power, jurisdiction, command, control, charge, dominance, rule, sovereignty, supremacy

The husband has authority delegated to him by God. The wife has as much authority over the children as is delegated to her by her husband.

Discipline should be corrective and encouraging beginning with training. Punishments should be on a scale based on the severity and repetition of the transgression. Rebukes and warnings should be made before other consequences are given. Natural consequences are preferred where practical unless those would be more damaging.

Training is needed for children and employees. A wife’s relationship with her husband lies somewhere between that of a child to parent and an employee to boss. The marriage relationship is more intimate than either of these and should be longer lasting. The husband should consider what training would be most helpful for the marriage and how often it is needed.

Relevant scriptures KJV:
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
1 Peter 3:7 KJV
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Punishable behaviors:
Defiance, Disrespect, Dishonesty, Dangerous (reckless endangerment)
Consent of Punishments:
Initial punishments consented to.
____ Writing lines or verses
____ Fine not to exceed ____
____ Loss of ___________ privilege
____ Loss of ___________ privilege
____ Loss of ___________ privilege
____ Time out not to exceed ___

The feedback and analysis

Lessons from the life of Esau

NLT Genisis 25:
27 As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoors man, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home. 28 Isaac loved Esau because he enjoyed eating the wild game Esau brought home, but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 One day when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry. 30 Esau said to Jacob, “I’m starved! Give me some of that red stew!” (This is how Esau got his other name, Edom, which means “red.”) 31 “All right,” Jacob replied, “but trade me your rights as the firstborn son.” 32 “Look, I’m dying of starvation!” said Esau. “What good is my birthright to me now?” 33 But Jacob said, “First you must swear that your birthright is mine.” So Esau swore an oath, thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn to his brother, Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate the meal, then got up and left. He showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn.

In this short story we get a picture of Esau as a manly outdoors man, a skilled hunter in contrast to his younger brother who preferred to stay home, take care of the animals and cook. Some would think of Esau as the alpha male and Jacob as the beta, but who was the more Godly man? Who did God approve?

Why would Esau give up his birthright for a single meal?

The decisions we make as men can have lasting consequences and failures can negatively effect our lives and the lives of our descendants. The writer of Hebrews talks about Esau in chapter 12. A chapter I think of as the discipline chapter.

NLT Hebrews 12:16 Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.

Why does the writer link immorality and godlessness to giving up a birthright?

Now look at the context from the preceding verses:
NLT Hebrews 12:
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. 12 So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. 13 Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. 14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Does this context change you answer?

When I read this the message, what I come away with is, a lack of discipline is godlessness. A lack of discipline to the point of despising a birthright is a serious failure, as the next verse says:
NLT Hebrews 12:17 You know that afterward, when he wanted his father’s blessing, he was rejected. It was too late for repentance, even though he begged with bitter tears.

Has God given us birthrights as men? If He has do you have the self discipline to hold on to your birthright and refuse to give it up?