Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Oi vey.

there's a whole lot of singing
that's never gonna be heard
disappearing every day without so much as a word

Alice in Ellyland by ~insteadofwords on deviantART


A Spacial Fire by ~insteadofwords on deviantART

....i love you <3

A-
C+
B-
B-

2.835 GPA.
First semester of college.

I didn't lose my scholarship, and I have a B average apparently.

I think it's alright.

I am so disgustingly in love with you, i cant bear to see you go.

It all can continue to spin around. The same way it was before, the same way it continues to be, how I wish i could not fit hate into my heart.

You continue to try and push yourself back into my life, because you know part of me will accept you with open arms.
I just cannot, and you know this.

I may have hurt you but you hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me, in such an unforgivable manner...I understand WHY you did what you did, but how? Why did you have to go about it that way?
I have spent a year wracking my brain for reasons, for excuses, you say "STOP TRYING TO FIGURE ME OUT" but I can't be your friend unless we understand each other.

What you don't understand is that my life has sucked, I have been surrounded by untrustworthy people my whole life and you are no exception. You proved to me that love for another in my situation is totally pointless.
You cheated, lied, hid things, and ran away when stuff got hard. How can i be your friend?
How can I have love for you, again?
Yes, your last girlfriend may have done it so easily, but she wanted you back. I never want you back. Ever.
You assume that my confusion was due to my lust and love for you and that I could not live without you, because of course, no one can, right?

I can't just FORGET everything, Jeremy.
I can't forget what you did...I can't just start over like Karen did. She spent years of her life on your teases and lead ons, and to an extent she is still sucked in. She will eternally be nice to you because she cannot live without you.
But I can.
I don't need you to function.
I hate how you assume I need you to function.

You won't call me, so I can't explain anything to you.
Part of the reason I'm so mean to you is because you won't speak to me for weeks or months unless I'm mean. You don't respond to texts unless I am a horrible bitch to you.

You take advantage of my soft spot for you.


We were going to get 'married' on october 10th, 2010. When that day comes I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know we won't be getting married.

But what you don't get is that I am defensive because you hurt me...over and over and over again. You used me.
YEA, you moved across the country for me.
You didn't have to.
But that was it...you used that against me when I got upset that I ALWAYS had to pay, that you never took me on a date...i always took you somewhere and you never said thanks. When i got upset you would throw the I MOVED FROM MY FAMILY FOR YOU. Do you know how much that hurt me? I knew you came here, for me, and i loved you so much...which is why i wanted to protect you.
Your friends told me to keep you safe on your birthday, make sure you dont do drugs. When you told me your dad sent you money for the first time, i felt like it was my duty to help keep you clean and off all that stuff and when i saw you falling back into it i didnt know what to do.
I never knew what to do.

I was barely 17 and living with people who hated me, who I hated, people who hated you and didnt even know you, and everything was wrong.
You had no idea how bad everything was, and you abandoned me when i needed you most.
You could have left and then still provided me with some kind of support.
You could have called me and let me know shit was gonna be OK.
You could have been my friend, all those times I called you, all those times I wanted to be friends.

But no.
You have to wait till I am almost back to Florida, when I have tried to heal all wounds, when I was trying to move on.
You think that I can just go running back to you, even as a friend?
That I can forget how you abandoned me and cheated on me and i know you did because there were pictures...How can i forget being told by a bunch of druggies that you did that?
How can i forget the things you said to me after you left?

You said it was because you were hurting...but could you imagine how i felt?
And every time i think about it i remember calling you on the day of mothers funeral. I just wanted you to talk to me and tell me you were here for me.

But you were not there for me.
You were high as always and couldn't wait to get off the phone.
You only loved me after my mother died.
And that's how I have always felt.

Your kind words can't make me feel love for you anymore because I remember all the hurtful things you did, all the times you told me to go away and that you hated me...when I was begging you for help.

I am only sorry for hurting you, but not for my actions after you left.
I hate how you assume I will need you forever.
I am my own person, and you mistake everything.


I cannot be friends with you unless I know that you genuinely UNDERSTAND WHAT you did.
I cannot hurt myself again in your name.

I wrapped up our whole relatioship in a box, and since you OBVIOUSLY are the stronger person, I have it to give to you, for five seconds, and that will be the last i ever see you, ever.
Unless you show me otherwise, that I can trust you.

I am not sorry, and this is the last I wish to say to you.
If you want to be friends, you need to show me that you're trustworthy.
I only go nuts because I feel as if youre playing games with me, and im tired of games.
Im tired of everything.
I dont have to be nuts, but you dont have to keep trying to get under my skin.

Stop throwing me stupid compliments, I am not a toy, and I am not a kid, I am a person and I will always be Elly...but you're right, I have tough skin.
If you care about a friendship, maybe you should work harder at making that work instead of forcing me to forget all the bullshit you did.

Goodbye, and this is all I have to say.