If You Wanna Be Good

So, the past week was fun.
I went home, and saw family I haven't in a long while.
It was nice, but alot of them... then ones that haven't seen me in... ten years, kept telling me 'Oh wow, you've grown so much'
Haha.. it was funny... you should have seen thier faces.
But anyway.. it does feel good to be back.
I missed a few of these people. Haha.

I should go see a few of them later.
Right now.. I'm just going to relax.
I went farther up north.. so I had to take a flight also.
It was... interesting, I can't really remember when the last time I was on a plane.
Ahh... ok, I'm going to kick back.

So, the past couple days were fun.
I think I've finally changed my mind.
I can't leave this place, I have too many friends that I love.
I'd feel guilty about just leaving them behind.
I haven't felt this much love since my mother and father were alive.

So, my mind has been changed, from the love of friends.

Anyway, The day before yesterday, Andy and I talked again.
And it was like... we forgot all the problems we had.
Like, we were back together again.
It was amazing.
I took him down to the new coffee shop in town, Roylanes.
Which by the way, is an amazing place.. I totally suggest you guys check it out, and order either the Toasted Almond, or Belgian Chocolate Truffle.
Or if you like slushies, get the Strawberry Bomb.
After we were leaving it started snowing.
Everything was perfect.
We went back to his room to watch a movie, but ended up doing other things.

Next Day, Jordan and I talked for a bit.
Then I met up with Ryan, he's such a sweetie. 
He brought me roses.
I've never gotton roses before.

Later on, towards nightfall, I met up with Cody.
We were both completely bored and had nothing to do.
So he took me out to the Pool Hall.
We played a nice game of Pool.
When it finally came my turn, I told him...
If I get a ball in, he has to give me a kiss on the cheek.
Hah, and to my luck, I got two in.
Hehe.

Afterwards, he got tired, so I gave him a piggy back ride all the way to his room.
Then he invited me to stay for the night.
Basically it...

Now tell me... how is it possible to leave all this?
It's IMPOSSIBLE.
I'm not going anywhere.
=P

I can't do it anymore.
It's too hard.

Yes, I'm a failure.
I can at least admit that.

I'm done, I give up.
I'm out.

...But I won't leave just yet.
I need to say my goodbyes.

Talk to father ryan.
Submit my renouncement.

Whatever.

mood: uncomfortable

music: Ice Queen - Within Temptation

I really am a hopeless romantic.
It's terribly true.

I've never left anyone, other than Pierre, but he just went far past the borderline.
But I haven't left anyone, I always told myself, If this was going to end, he would leave me.

I'd rather spend time with the guy, other than just a few seconds in bed.
But at this school, it always has to lead up to that.

Ok, I'm not saying it's a terrible thing, but why does it have to happen all the time?
I'll never understand it.

Sex isn't important, it doesn't come first in my life.

I hate love.
I hate Andy.
I hate loving Andy.
I really thought this could be something.
Something amazing, but he's too forlorn, and perplexed to see that.
He's self indulged.
He refuses to see that he can be loved.

Or maybe he is just a whore, in denial.
Making people fall in love with him.
I hate him.

I don't think I want to see him again.
Something is wrong with him.
No matter how many times I told him I loved him.
He wouldn't believe me.

I really did fall in love with him.
And I hate myself for falling for his lies.
I wish I wasn't so stupid.
Not anymore, I've learned, I'm stronger.

There's no way I'd ever go back to him.
Not to that, when all he wants is me to use him.
Why couldn't I see it?
When he begged me to use him... I feel so blind.

I'm done with love, Love doesn't exist.
Love is something to give people to look for, and they'll spend the rest of thier lives looking for nothing.


Other than that, I hurt myself.
I hurt myself, hoping it would show Andy how much I loved him.
But he twisted my words, he twists everything I say.
He's just twisted himself.

I told him, "I love you as much blood I bleed,"
Nothing.
I continued to tell him other things before and after that.
Still Nothing.

I gave him my heart, it was his choice to take it or break it.
All he did was take it, and break it.

I'm fucking done, I should talk to a Preist.
Maybe even leave.

I don't belong here.

So, I met this guy in the lounge.
He seemed really nice, but was always nervous.
We cuddled for a while, then he kissed me.
On thing lead to another, then, he was in my bed with my cock up his ass.

After the whole thing was over, he told me he needed to think it over and such.
I told him he can think all he wants.
One thing I forgot to mention, if he doesn't make up his mind, I'm going to make up my own mind.

So... uh, I went outside to get some fresh air, and I bumped into the guy I feel in love with the first time I saw him.
Ok, he almost tripped over me.
Same Difference.

We talked for a while, he held me, due to the coldness outside.
Then I let it slip, I left the fucking truth slip.
I told him, I love him. [I didn't say it, but I mouthed it. He caught it.]
I was scared, I've never actually done that before, but it turns out, that he loves me too.
I was overwhelmed.
It was amazing.

I was relieved.

But I don't know if anything serious is going to happen between the both of us... right now anyway.

Now, I have no fucking clue how I'm going to tell the other guy.
He's been rejected a few too many times.
And I don't want to be apart of that list.
God, I fucking hate this.

God really hates me.

I thought it was over between Quinn and I.
And I was lonely, hoping I'd meet someone who liked me.
Andy was the guy that happened to be there.

Now everything is fucked.
If I tell them, most likely I'd lose them both.
I don't want that.

I'd rather be dead, if I lost them both.

mood: contemplative

music: Head Like A Hole

I finally got a new room mate...
but I haven't seen him.
I'm going to miss Geo, even if we rarely spoke.
It's when we did speak... it was like talking to a brother.
A brother I never did get the pleasure to have.
Mum and Dad died before that could ever happen.

I feel so damn emotional these days.
I should... I really should just let it go, and have fun with the time I have.
Maybe this new room mate can help me with that.
If he's the party type anyway.


I'll barricade myself in this room.
Until I meet him.

So, I'm here in my room, completely alone.
I can hear all the other boys, screaming and having fun.
Everything about today is lame.
I skipped my classes, I can't face it.
I just can't.

Halloween sucks, right about now, and it's not even till tomorrow.
I used to love Halloween.
Getting all dressed up in a sweet costume.
Going out to whatever party had Alcohol.
Getting so drunk, that I coulnd't tell which boy was my boyfriend.
I miss Pierre, even if he did cheat on me, with Seb.
Part of me still wants to love him, and another... just simply wants to kill him.

Emotions suck.


Another thing, when I woke up today.
I was completely alone, literally.
No sign of Geo anywhere, none of his things either.
I'm wondering what happened to him.
And I'm wondering if he left earlier, or was I too drunk to even notice last night.
Probably that.

I have no room mate, and it's pretty sad in here.. all alone.
And all I hear right now are boys having fun.
I should be out there, but I'm not.

I couldn't possibly have fun without Geo.
Geo was an awesome room mate, and pretty damn cute aswell.
I don't know what to do..


I should go and talk to my Priest.
But Preists scare the fucking hell out of me.
I have to, I need to know what happened to him.
I'll go tomorrow, he must be at the party.