Girl Afraid

1:00pm: done and dusted
Both essays are in done and dusted. Only 2 exams and a website presentation to go this semester... lol... only. A bit happier the burden of essay is off my shoulders. Just really need 2 tackle this website pack and presentation. The client has asked us (my group of 3 and I) to go to the website proposal meeting with him which is exciting so he must like our ideas. I am feeling slightly better about the group as well now. Slightly.

I was going to attached my essays for you eager enthusiasts to read but I fear when I am famous and not so rich that I will be looking at some undergrad essay and find myself plagerised. Lol.

I am a little calmer today.
Although very tired. Up till 3 last night perfecting, what a perfectionist I am deary me.

Had a really good rehersal lats night too despite the period pain and having to stand up and sit down a lot which was rather taxing. but the chorus numbers really seem to be coming into place and what i have seen of the ugly sisters and such are just fab!

I am at uni at the mo waiting on jo to come in so we can have celebratory lunch. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, she does take ages in the shower that one.

Love ya and leave ya tho xxxx

11:10am: my winter coat came out
Well my winter coat officlally came out yestarday, wow it was cold and windy and it looks even worse today, seeesh. I am going to stay in today and do essay writing however. Usually when the it is cold and wet an orange I am like awww but Im just like booooooooo be warm and crisp.

10:47am: one down one to go
Well one essay down and one to go. I am on track and happy. But by no means relaxed. I ordered some 2 day wait books off amazon last night for my 2nd essay which were used and like 3 quid each so hopefuilly they will shed some light. I kind if wish I wasn't working tonight as I am in a motivated mood today and this rarly happens so early before hand in. The completed essay of for wednesday and the one I am reading for is for a week on wednesday. However I am not going to count my chickens too soon as I have 2 rehersals this week and work 2night and a pretty full week of classes. *sighs* I will make it through. There is a pretty major work night out on sunday too (a double birthday) and i would really like to go but will just have to see what happens.

xx

6:40am: Not so much time to spare at 7.40
I cant believe I am going to work now. xxxx

10:53pm: sleeeeeepy
The scene I was worried about went fine, nobody seemed to know what they were doing really. We ran the whole of act 2, well done us. And took pics for the programme. I hope they dont put the cast pic in with my eyes closed.

So much to do 2moro. was going to categorise my earings tonight but I am too tired, man that makes me sound so anal.

I am happy to be into my blog writing again its nice.

x

10:36am: I need to haircut so badly
I have so much uni work to do. But I should stop talking about it and actually do it I feel.

Last rehersal before october break tonight and we are running act 2. Slightly nervous as I missed one of my scenes with a solo due to being ill the other week and so I don't reeeeeeeeaallly know where I am supposed to be and when. Boooooooo. But it will all fall into place wont it?

We had costume fitting on Tuesday... ohh so sexy!

My Dad is fannying about just now looking for something and looking over my shoulder at the same time! Go to work... jeeeeeeeeez.

Ohh and now he is shouting at me because I don't know where the thing he is looking for is. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Today I was supposed to be going to the photography project meeting but since I havent taken any pics yet due to illness I might give it a miss and blame it on the ohhhh so poplular family situation. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm yes. I really want to be part of the project though... so will take soon. Its just essays you know... so much to do so little time to go it. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have so classes due and now have no shift!!! A day at the library for me YAY!!! they better have my shift sorted out for Sunday (making it shorter so I can study on sundays)... gah silly work. It will be xmas songs before you know it. Or now if you are kevin's myspace boooooooooo.

Anyway I havent eaten, must eat x

10:29pm: the price of a cup of tea
Evening. Just got in from rehersal its all going well and so much fun. I love my character too I hate to sound annoying and drama darling but its all in good fun. For those of you who don't know we are doing cinderella and puss in boots and I am the dress maker/general bum abouter. I'm called dolly and I wear an attractive brown wastecoat... what more do you need? Plus been moved to principle dancer in the scene we did 2night... well chuffed!

Had uni for a mere hour today. Fun time with Jill I like to call a thursday afternoon. We were doing the radicalisation and changing of how homosexuals percieve themseleves, how others percieve them and whether they play up to certain stereotypes which they/or we the other set for them. very interesting.

I must begin on thinking about essays, well in particular the media and popular entertainment question. I can either do Popular music, Tv sitcom or radio? Decisions decisions.

Iv been thoughtful lately... maybe its because I have been ill. About where im going with life in general... may sound pretty but maybe I think about it too much. maybe we are just meant to glide along in our own wee way and end up where we do. Its hard to know. kevin always says he is proud of me and he knows I will do well but there are so many clever people out there and lots of clever thinkers in the media world. My friend jo who many of you will know was telling me the other day she wanted to work in make up which made me think what the hell she is doing media for anyway. just for the sake of having a degree maybe the same as so many people... I think the reason I went to uni as well was that to get a degree but then again I am happy in doing it and the subject matter so alls well that ends well ehh? I love media and music and writing and singing... thats me really. Hummmph.

8:45pm: so here it comes the sound of drums
Hey, I keep reading the last enry I wrote in June hopeing it will update for me. Monday with time to spare at 10.09... lol.

Surprise suprise I have the cold who would have thought it and I have to fill out something called an absense form at uni wow whats that!?

So im in third year who would have guess it? Its good. Yeah very good. If not a little frightening. But life is frightening.

Iv been reflecting on summer and what I didnt do. Ohh well restbite time. There will be few summer like that again.

We have been thrown hard and fast in uni this year... to be expected.

Im in the student parliament this year *takes a second to cackle with disbelief*

Rehersals are underway for the panto. Its great fun.

Thats filled you in a little. The bare bones. More feeling later x

10:04am: monday with spare time at 10.09
Do you ever have those days where you just want a whole self detox... mahhh I want one.

I passed my exams, all fine could of passed better thought but they thats what 3rd year is for right? I am going to knuckle down when we get back although client based production looks like a pile of shite.

I have uped my contract at work as it seems nodoy wants to employ me this year. I now work fri, sat, sun and mon. I will retract sunday when we go back to work however.

I worked out at the royal highland show the last few days however in my works tent, was grand yet tiring and smelt like cow poo. Lots of free food thought. Also 4 7.30 starts in row = annie had to get up at 5.30 4 days in a row.

I want to go and see dirty pretty things in august *cums*

Thats all for now guys x

10:27am: jobs!
This not being able to get extra hours and not finding a second job business is driving me up the wall I tell you!

I applied to monsoon accessorize which is where I worked last year and they just havent got back to me - how rude!

Have been through town and the gyle numerous times and even going for jobs I cant even see myself doing.

Funds lessen by the day and I cant even afford to pay off my overdraft nevermind save any money for the coming year.

Been checking job websites like monster etc but they are just a pile of crap as well.

Any ideas anybody?

I await hear of emma's doctors appointment which is later today also.

My sunburn is itchy today, much cream required.

My mum and dad had rational talks last night but my dad isnt talking to me now reasons unknown... what the hell did I do?

love as always x

10:38am: update, bad things
Yestarday, I climbed up arthurs seat with kevin! I didn't think I would be able to do it about half way through but it was so rewarding when we got to the top and tryed to find our houses in the view. I had never done it before. What a great day to do it too with the sunny weather and the day which would have been wasted had we both not been on msn at the exact same time. We made friends with a Canadian girl called Britney and discovered we were the only scottish people at the top!!!
Other fun things that happened:
We went to farmfoods and made an advert in our heads
We bought £1 lollies
A tourist man with biblical sandels looking at the cows burped
Two guys walked past us with what looked like bombs... much more I cant remember.
I am soooooooooooooooo sunburnt now! *crys*

Kevin has left work now as his Chris which makes me really sad. No more Saturday Backshift crew. Dean also hands in his notice on the 3rd on July to go for the nursing job on the 10th.

Things at home aren't really the best at the moment at all. There are 3 main peeves listed below:

1. My sister is psycologicaly ill. She hasn't been going to school for months now (well she is doing leanring support part time) as she doesnt feel like she can be in large groups of children anymore. Her personality has changed completely. She used to be while shy really outgoing and always wanting to do everything all the time and really be involved but now she is really subdewed and sad all the time and as much as I try to make her feel better it breaks my heart every day to see how much she has changed. Everybody kind of thought it was to do with her glandular fever (which I blame myself for) but it seems to be more than that now. My mum and dad had a meeting with Mrs bruce (guidence) today and she is now going to have a tutor coming to the house once a week and is going to be seeing the school mental doctor as much as possible. She is also having treatment at the sick kids which doesnt seem to be helping. She doesnt even want to see her friends anymore. She just sits in her room watching tele or the wall.

2. My Mum and Dad are being sued by Jewson building company because they refuse to pay for an unsatisfactory job they have been doing or rather not doing to my house for nearly 3 months now. Letters go through solicitors weekly and it looks like it might go to court. My dad had a binding contact saying that they would not pay until they were completely happy with the work being done and since my dad sacked the builders for poor work (was much more complicated than that but in a nutshell) they have requested 2 and a half grand to pay for materials and labour which my parents refuse to pay. There has been threats of bricks through windows and the like *sigh*

3. My Dad is an alcoholic. I don't really want to go into this one because its personal but let me tell you it is putting a lot of strain on my family especially my mum who crys herself to sleep most nights now.

Things aren't very good. I am just lucky that I can escape with friends and my boyfriend and focus on work. But things aren't good.

I am going into uni this afternoon to see my exam and essay results. Lets hope they are a mood lifter.

Lots of Love x

12:34am: if only there was a job where I could listen to knew bands as well as the smiths and slaver over hot indie boys all day. And get paid to fall at the indie disco. ha! bliss xxxxxx

11:09am: They took my camera off me at morrissey, Im upset

11:13am: To me you are a work of art
I live a life
I feel the pain
To sing this song
To tell the tale
I wish I never even heard the song
I see the world
It makes me puke
But then I look at you and know
That somewhere there’s a someone who can soothe me

To me you are a work of art
And I would give you my heart
That’s if I had one

I see the world
It makes me puke
But then I look at you and know
That somewhere there’s a someone who can soothe me

To me you are a work of art
And I would give you my heart
That’s if I had one, had one

To me you are a work of art
And I would give you my heart
That’s if I had one

9:46am: Hellloooo

Not been feeling too well last few of days due to this and that but on the mend now.

Went to see hostel last night omg minging stuff. But I proved I can sit through a scary movie without leaving yes? And the amount of boobs in it was uncanny - put it away mofos less is more!

Must start studying for exams like today as I havent done any because of feeling under the weather, maybe get my topics on the go today. I am slightly behind on this. Ahhh it was the website you see. I make no excuses for myself tho. Hopefully it shouldnt be too bad once I get going. 2 examd of essay style questions on stuff I should know already really. Hows any1 else reading getting on? Teri/maddy?

9 days till morrissey ohh my...

I do early shift at work now on a saturday 8-4.30 how good? Thats instead of 12-8.30 yeah I dont get a lie in but it means I can be home by 5 and ready for anything by 6 :o) Ohhh the excitment. yaddddda yaddddddda.

hummmppphhhhh more later x

8:28am: Couldn't sleep last night again and waaaaay wont be in uni for 9 now. Busy day ahead... websiting it until about half 2 from when I get to uni. lunch. Off to work start at half 4 and Jo is staying the night. we are going to watch oerverts guide to the cinema. oh yes!

7:59pm: yeh so pr is done for the summer. got my website hand in in a week yadda yadda amd my couple of exams thereafter! All is goodish. Got the new moz album today cant wait for the gig. Want to go and see protokoll as well and the long blondes in may. Ohhh and I have billy bragg tix too. Think hot chip are also on the cards... gig mental. Well... whats a girl to do?

Went to stereo last thur was good, going again this week.

Out for a pool night sunday not much else just essaying. Yadddddddddda.

And I just wanna make... love to my shoes! w00t, buy lovers x

11:21pm: 13 hours
13ishy hours till the conference. Trying to remain as calm as possible. Gone over my soeach today. Written out antisipated questions and answers again. Lived and breathed it (and went on myspace) lol. I will be glad tomorrow when it is all over. Doesn't help we are last in the class to go as well... it will look like we have stolen ideas and nothing will be fresh. Ran it past my parents too... got a red face in front of them, doesn't boad well.

Jojo chose her courses today, doing the same as me, yay, didn't expect that.

Meeting the group at 9 2moro for one run through before the conference. Then stiff drinks all round. I have to look suitabley posh and Pr-esque... wearing tweed and black and have a round the neck tie thing like with a professional card on it to make me look professional, teehee... all out huh? Still really nervous.

Drinks all round at 11.30, wayyyy. x

4:34pm: many people confuse intellect with confidence!
Why can't I just be normal? Normal people use thier nerves to counter their performance and make themseleves do better, like actors on stage use nerves to help them perform. I did that when I was on stage, nothing else mattered, I wanted the world to look at me. Why can't I do it with this?

I'l tell you why because here I am myself not a character which I can forget in 5 minutes time or even become for that one day. But when I'm me, talking to room of people I have to be me and its my knowledge on show. Its so stupid I know... I'm not a stupid person and when I try hard to learn something and get motivated I really do, therefore I have the knowledge to talk about Barnardos all day but the thought of Thursday morning makes me physically cry.

The element of comfrontation makes it worse, I can't even script read this, or remember a speach from photo memory reitertating it while blaking out the onlookers. They are involved grilling me for the knowledge which drains from me when put in this hellish situation.

My perfectionism, need for people to like me and loyalty to group members makes it worse. I don't want to be carried through my degree but I believe I will become a BA through my albility to write rather than to appeal to publics through speach.

I'm not always like this... like when I was on stage or when I tannoy at work it seems like normal but I know I wont be able to handle this and just appear inferior to my peers. Last semsester when we did the debate talk I spent hours and hours perfecting, believeing and siking myself as I knew I was the only worthwhile person on the side but now all are as intelligent and quick I feel inferior even to them. The thought of even practising my bit in front of my friends makes me want to cry. Its a feeling in the bottom of your stomach and your mouth drys and dies and words just can't come out anymore, fear, sweat, tears follow.

I want to be good at this. But I can't and I know I'm going to let everone down. Its got my whole day down today as I release unless im off there is no way I am going to get out of this.

If I could change one thing... this would be it!

10:38pm:

9:43pm: Time for an update.

Pr comference thursday humph. Don't want to.

Went to misfits friday night. Smoked before the ban. Got fucked up. Danced the night away. Maddy fell out the car.

Rick and Amy got elected in the student election, YAY.

Christina might be coming to the moz gig with me (and dean and stu and friends), cant wait to see her. cant wait to moz... again again.

I send for smiths t-shirts lately got one not the other and I have paid for it. Gutted! the other still hasnt come and they havent returned my mail. scammers! Must sort it.

I wrote smiths titles on my trainers Im so indie it hurts... really not!!

Went to the museum of surgeons on friday, grose but fun. Think we are going to get a group of 20 and go to the locked up part. Excited.

Been choosing coutses for 3rd year... Im so old at the tender age of 18.

Im on holiday from work for a week how exciting!!!

Might go to aberdeen on sunday... hummmmmmmmmmmmmmph x

12:39pm: Hey. Thought I might update. The silly essays are done. only a press conference simulation and exams 2 go and then im in 3rd year. Woah. I am ever so slightyly giddy today. You know when your not really hungover but you feel a bit odd. Went to espionage with a fraction of the crew last night yesyesohyay. blue aftershock and red bull tastes like calpol... is that a good thing???

Its Fi's bday next week... and well what am I meant to get her, ehh? gaddammit. Think we are off to indie-go next wednesday but don't really want to take her pressie there, maybe I will meet her another time to give her it.

I have started to feel this guilt lately for eating. Not so much in the past couple of days but since my Dad called me fat on the whole. Like if I eat something shit, which isnt a rareity I feel sick after. Don't worry though Im not going to get ill or anything its just odd.

My parents got a bread maker and its not all its cracked up to be.

Dunno what else!

THE STROKES LYRICS

"Juicebox"

Everybody sees me
But its not that easy
Standing in the lightfield
Standing in the lightfield
Waiting for some action
Waiting for some action
Why wont you come over here

Why wont you come over here
We've got a city to love
Why wont you come over here
We've got a city to love

Old time grudges
Will die so slowly
I know you miss the
Way I saw you
And cold
You're so cold
You're so cold
You're so cold

Nobody can see me
Everythings too easy
Standing in the lightfield
Standing in the lightfield
Waiting for some actress
Waiting for some actress
To say
Why wont you come over here

Why wont you come over here
We've got a city to love
Why wont you come over here
We've got a city to love

Old time love song
Will die so swiftly
You never trust me
For a while
It was nice
But its time to say bye

Cold
You're so cold
You're so cold
You're so cold

NO NO NO
You're so cold
You're so cold
You're so cold

NO NO NO NO
You're so cold
You're so cold
You're so cold

Oh
You're so cold

[Ends]

9:48pm: I've been tagged!!!

Kevin tagged me ahhhhh!

Four jobs I’ve had

1. Morrisons cashier
2. Monsoon / accessorize sales assistant
3. Morrisons CSD Dude
4. havn't had another...

Four movies I can watch over and over

Hook
Cruel Intentions
Trainspotting
the sounds of Music

Four places I’ve lived

moat street, edinburgh
C.now parkway, edinburgh
Dochurt drive, edinburgh
North gyle terr, edinburgh

Four TV shows I love

Friends
The OC
Thats 70's show
Family Guy


Four of my favourite dishes:

chicken and sweetcorn pasta
pizza from the little glasgow man
spag bol
chicken and chilli sauce salad


Four places I’ve been on holiday

jersey
blackpool
York
centre parks

Four sites I visit daily

Uni email
myspace
blog
kev's blog

Four places I’d rather be right now

In bed
Out with the girls
Somewhere warm
At an arctic monkeys gig

Four people I am tagging

Ali
Bing
Maddy
Lou

12:45pm: I went to Brass Monkeys last night with Chritsina for her traditional farewell the night before she leaves and she hasnt packed yet... drink! Was nice. Katy was there to with Nicola and her other flatmate who repleaced Jamie. Was good to see her as well although she decided it would be fun to write all over us, lol.

Anyway Xtina will be back in June and we might be working together again over the summer so will be seeing a lot more of her. She also told me when her degree is finish (just under 2 years time) she is going to get a flat in Edinburgh afterwards! YAY!

Other news I am back to uni on Monday so have to go in and sort my timetable out.
Thats all. x

10:29am: The morning is so crisp and lovely I just wanted to write about it (ewwww I know). I am sitting in the dining room looking through the conservatory and I can feel the cold on the wooden floor a smigen of what it will be like outside when I venture out. Every leaf and every blade of grass is picked out by the frost and it makes we want to drink hot chocolate evn though I don't like it! Well that sounded ponchy, Im sorry!

I havent really updated in a bit mostly because I hav been ultra busy. I worked early yestarday. The day before was boxing day and my mum and dads friends were over as usual and we had a chinese - was nice.

The day before was xmas and both sets of grandparents were over for the ritual turkey eating and gift giving... very fun. Santa brought me ipod speakers wayyyyy! And lots of wee things. Emma(my sister) made me a trinket box which she made from clay and painted herself and she bought me a coffee mug with a teddy in it which says "To someone very special". Awwwww. I wont list other gifts as that boring but I thought I would share.

Xmas eve I worked and then went to the carol service with kev which was nice and went back to kevs for some cake! I am so happy kev is staying at work for a bit longer (there was talk of leaveage xmas eve) because I would miss and will miss him a great deal when he leaves. He bought me a princess book for xmas and an echo microphone - original and cool!

Apart from this I have been catching up with school people. Going out with Jo a lot. Seeing uni gals. And working to be honest since uni ended! I will fill you in on exams when I get the results. HA!



My Confessions....
I confess that in 2005 I...

( ) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
(X) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(X)kissed in the rain
( )fell in love
( )fell in love with a fool
( ) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(X) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
(X) kissed someone of the same sex
(X) dated someone you'll never forget
(X) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
(X) kissed under miseltoe ( peck with heather but a still counts )

WORK/SCHOOL

(X) got a promotion
(X) got a pay raise
( ) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
(X) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(X) met one teacher you really like
(X) met one teacher you really hated
(X) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
( ) cut class
(X) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(X) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(X) proved yourself an idiot
(X) embaressed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office

OTHER

(X) painted a picture
(X) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
( ) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(X) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
(X) cooked a disasterous meal
(X) lost something important to you
(X) got a gift you adore
(X) realized something new about yourself
(X) went on a diet
(X) tried to gain weight
(X) dyed your hair
( ) came close to losing your life
( ) someone close to you died
(X) went to a party
(X) drank alchohol
(X) drug(s) ( ALCHOL AN CAFFINE )
(X) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(X) read a great book
(X) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
(X) saw your favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone (who cares to know)
(X) Enjoyed this year over all


Well thats the wee bit of randomness over! Quizness!

Looking forward then to the new year and the time ahead, I am working today, tomorrow I am doing something with Fiona, Friday I am going to IFlySpitFires, Saturday I am working and then doing something with Jo, Sunday I am going to cav. I must also see school people I havent seen to hand over gifts and get my head sorted for new years resolutions.

Resolutions

*Stop biting nails... its there every year
*Be tidyer
*Keep the gym membership past February
*Study as I go along more instead of leaving it to the last
*Save money
*Stop with the over eating man!

Wheather these will happen in unlikely and yet to be seen!

As always xxxx