Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.
“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.” explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”
Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)
For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)
Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.
So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!
1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.
2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.
3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.
4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.
5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.
6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.
7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.
8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.
9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.
We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!
1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.
2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.
3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.
4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.
5. Sloped Roof
6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.
7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.
8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.
9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.
10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.
The Daily Freier joins our regional neighbors in sitting Shiva for Iran’s President Raisi, ז”ל. While stressing that Israel had like totally NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, here at the Daily Freier we try to take Life’s Lemons and make them into the really tasty mixed drink with mint and Arak that we used to drink in the Shuk. Wait, where were we? OK…. a teaching moment…. So without further ado, behold today’s Aeronautical Safety Brief from the Daily Freier, also know as “Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter“.
1. The mechanic is lubricating the rotors with grease from his Chelo Kebab.
2. The Fuel Guy says he’s with the IRGC, but you catch him snacking on Bamba and Cafe Hafuch.
3. You’re stuck in a fog bank, but the navigator keeps sexting with Nick Fuentes.
4. The Avionics Technician got his Computer Science degree from Harvard.
5. The Check-In Lady at Tehran Airport calls you “Mami” and answers her cellphone by saying “Heyoosh!”
6. The pilot only got his job because he was Ilhan Omar’s brother and/or husband.
7. You tune your headset to the Ground Control Channel but it’s playing Macklemore.
8. The pilot announces “slight turbulence” and then he says that you’re about to meet Soleimani.
9. You’re losing altitude and the guy next to you is busy scribbling 72 women’s names on a piece of paper.
10. Just before take-off, The pilot announces that he has evidence of Hillary Clinton’s corruption.
Well, the people voted and the competition was fierce. We had stories about hard-hitting issues like, umm, Wolt Delivery people and also the new tax on plastic utensils. Plus some random complaints about how the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem took the Corona crisis as a good time to stop actually doing stuff.
Yet in the end, Israel hypnotized you the voters chose our story written at the height of this year’s war with Hamas entitled “Three of Ilhan Omar’s Ex-Husbands/Brothers feared missing in Gaza Tunnel Collapse“. While the Daily Freier stands by the integrity of the vote, Ms. Omar insists that it was “all about the Benjamins.”
The Daily Freier looks forward to even more amazing content from Congresswoman Omar in the coming year.
Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz, but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.
“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.
Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.
So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.
UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.
Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.
“I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”
The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.”
Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:
“Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)
“If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)
“What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)
Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.
New York City, Turtle Bay: The United Nations General Assembly acted forcefully today, passing a resolution ordering Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar. According to divorce papers filed by Ms. Beth Mynett, it appears that some people did something her husband Tim was having an affair with Everyone’s Favorite Congresswoman/Walking Telanovela.
UN Secretary General António Guterres was adament at this morning’s Press Conference: “The International Community stands as one and demands that Mr. Tim Mynett withdraw immediately from Ms. Omar. The United Nations hereby condemns this Occupation and the subsequent refugee status of Beth. This entire situation is such a……such a……Naqba.”
Reaction to this bombshell was contentious, with Congresswoman Omar blaming the Jooz denouncing the United Nations Resolution: “I am under no obligation to return Tim to his original co-habitant. You act like she has a Right of Return.” As the Congresswoman said ‘Right of Return‘, she made air quotes with her fingers. When reporters reminded Ms. Omar that Tim was now in violation of a UN resolution, she replied “או’ם שמום“.
For his part, Mr. Mynett denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was actually just Ilhan’s brother.
Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty. All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”
Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”
For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”
