BDS, Top 10

Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel

So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!


1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.             

2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.       

3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.

4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.

5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.

6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.

7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.

8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.

9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.

10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.

Start Up Nation

The Freier Guide to Home Renovation

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 27 December 2025 at 6:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: “The Chagim are long over. Why do my downstairs neighbors still have their Sukkah up?” wondered Leah C. “It’s not just them, the folks in the other building made this big elaborate Sukkah and they still haven’t taken it down either. The other night, I walked by and it sounded like they were having a party in there.” Leah stared into the distance for a minute and then continued. “That’s strange, right?“

Here at the Daily Freier we love a good mystery, so we started an investigation into this sudden spate of Sukkahs that seemingly stayed up long past the season of the Chagim. After we reassured Leah’s neighbor that we were not sent by the Arnona department (or Maas HaChnasa!) she finally spilled the tea: “This apartment was half this size when we moved in.” she noted. “But every year, we built another extension… one here in front and one there in the back. But as far as the Moatza knows, that’s a Sukkah, that’s a Sukkah and the extra level we added on the roof is a Sukkah too. We just left some old palm branches on the roof and hung up a few plastic pomegranates.”

According to Leah, there is a neighborhood legend about a family who ran a Yeshiva dormitory in their backyard during the Corona lockdown. “They made a Sukkah covered with old plywood and some bamboo pieces.” she explained. “It looked very neglected and run-down, which is actually quite a lot for this neighborhood!“

“But why didn’t the noise from all those yeshiva boys attract attention?” we inquired.

“She has a bunch of kids.” Leah replied. “There were noise complaints from the neighbors who thought she was running an illegal Gan, but nobody heard the yeshiva boys through the noise from 9 kids and the CD player blasting Uncle Moishy.“

 

Haaretz

Caught! Hitler Found Hiding in the Haaretz Online Comments Section
“Drag their ass, Kween!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 18 December 2025 at 3:15 PM

Tel Aviv: At long last, the world’s most infamous war criminal is behind bars. Adolf Hitler was caught early this morning hiding in plain sight: within the comments section of the Haaretz Online English Edition. Nobody knows just how long the Austrian Corporal was hiding there as his behavior did not arouse any suspicion and he was able to easily blend in with his environment. You see, the Haaretz Comments Section is quite the Rogue’s Gallery: a mix of bad faith Eurotrash who “only have a problem with Zionists”, Arabs saying the foulest crap while reminding you that they are Semites and thus incapable of Anti-Semitism, and a guy with a profile picture of Reinhard Heydrich who “has some questions” about the Holocaust.  The whole thing is made weirder by the fact that Haaretz Hebrew print edition is reliably Leftist but not completely insane (OK, ALMOST completely insane) and is read by as many as 700 people who all live within 3 blocks of Sheinkin Street in Tel Aviv. 

Hitler himself was rather relaxed about the whole affair. Looking much younger than his 136 years (which the Former Fuhrer credited to his vegetarian diet, daily walks, and some hot yoga), Adolf noted stated that he spent the last 8 years hiding next to a story about a Jewish family who died in a Jerusalem house fire that garnered 150 “laughing” emojis. Hitler was not shy about sharing his opinions about Haaretz online, noting that while its Middle East coverage was “fairly even-handed“, columnist Gideon Levy struck him as “a little crazy“. Hitler vowed to keep in touch with some of the people he met while hiding in the comments section, to include “ZyklonHeiler“, “StopZios1948” and “Candace Owens“.

When asked how he would spend his time in prison, Hitler stated that he was recently asked to be an informal campaign advisor by “a promising new leader in the State of Maine“.

Chanukah, The Jooz

Tucker Carlson Tells the Story of Chanukah
באנו טאקר לגרש

In the coming days we will be informed that we need to celebrate a certain Holiday. A holiday called “Chanukah”. Spinning tops, fried food, some presents. What’s not to like? And that’s EXACTLY how the people who packaged this so-called Holiday want you to think. Because their Greatest Fear is that YOU, the American People, will “peek behind the curtain.” Start asking Questions. Start doing your OWN research about what ACTUALLY happens BEHIND the scenes at the Chanukah Lobby. And that FEAR on their part tells you more than any slickly produced Infomercial about “The Festival of Lights”. So let’s look at the facts.

There’s a King named Antiochus. A Strong Leader from Syria that some Jews don’t like. Sound familiar? What EVIL plots does this man Antiochus want to hatch upon the Jews? War? Famine? Genocide??? No, Antiochus wants to encourage physical fitness in Greek Gymnasiums. Some of the people there exercise naked. Not my idea of a Saturday night, but what do I know? But this offends some powerful Jews. And these powerful Jews with names like “Mattathias” and “Judah Maccabee” don’t like being offended. 

So how do these easily offended Jewish powerbrokers react? Do they call for dialogue? Do they look for common ground? No, they embark on another Israel-inspired regime change war in the Middle East. They don’t claim to have a Mandate to pursue this war… and No Honest person suggests they COULD get one. Because the people who actually WANTED this war never actually admitted their true agenda: Ending Religious Pluralism in the Holy Land. No longer can you sacrifice a pig in the “Holy of the Holies”. But why not? Was there a vote that I missed? No, because that would have exposed the TOTAL UNWILLINGNESS of the people PUSHING this war to find a peaceful solution. They knew they could not win the debate honestly. So they changed the premise. Now we’re talking about armored Syrian war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS!!! It would be absurd if wasn’t so serious.

But that’s the Agenda that was forced upon us by an unaccountable cabal of powerful forces. So how do they justify this power grab? They find some oil. And that oil lasts a really long time apparently. I mean, Case Closed, right?

This weekend when you’re “chowing down” on a jelly doughnut you need to ask yourself: “Who wants me to eat this doughnut? And why do they so DESPERATELY want me to eat it without asking questions?”

Tune in next week when I explore healthy Middle Eastern diets by tossing The Emir of Qatar’s salad.

The Jooz

The Story of Sukkot, by Tucker Carlson

Today we are going to look at a Holiday that we THINK we know about. A Holiday that (((they))) they TELL us is about the Fall Harvest and the Exodus from Egypt. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Families sitting down together, good food, maybe a little wine. But what’s going on beneath the surface? Most Americans have no IDEA about the ACTUAL intention of this so-called festival, and they would be com-PLETE-ly shocked if they were ever allowed to see the real picture.  Because we are not allowed to question Sukkot in any way. Full Stop. Journalists who ask too many questions about Sukkot are warned, quietly at first, to back off. Then they’re warned not-so-quietly. It’s hard to overstate just how BADLY that certain forces do NOT want us talking about “Sukkot”. AT ALL. What they’re worried about is that someone somewhere will begin asking questions. Questions that they DESPERATELY don’t want to answer. But today, WE are asking the questions. And we want answers.

Certain Powerful Lobbies tell us with a straight face that this so-called Sukkah is just a booth in a field. But why is there only three walls? What did they do with the other wall? I MYSELF find it interesting that this wall is missing, don’t you? What did they do with the other wall? Was it asking too many questions about Bibi Netanyahu?  Did it criticize AIPAC? Again, I’m only asking questions. Questions that some forces find extremely uncomfortable.

In addition, Americans have grown so accustomed to being lied to that they don’t even QUESTION a fruit that looks like a bizarre giant lemon with bad acne. They tell you it’s an “Etrog”. But do you really believe them? What happened to the regular lemons? Did they just “GO AWAY” one day? Or were they told to go away if they knew what’s good for them? These are the kinds of open psychological operations that THEY are currently conducting on YOU. Like the Lulav. It’s a palm frond wrapped with willow. THAT’S a little strange, isn’t it? But then they point it in every direction. Almost like they’re showing you all of the places under their influence. Again, you’re not supposed to have any questions about this.

There is so much more to share with you about this disturbing “Holiday”, but Qatar’s weekly check hasn’t cleared yet and my next fishing cabin in Montana isn’t going to just purchase itself. Tune in next week when we go behind the scenes at a Matzoh factory and discover their secret ingredient.

 

 

 

 

 

BDS

I Love Pakistanis, But Pakistan Has No Right To Exist
Some of my Best Friends are Pakistani

OK, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t hate Pakistanis. They are a wonderful people. Great food, great music, great cricket, great clothes. Amazing. Just an Amazing People. But Pakistan does not have a right to exist. 

Now before you get all heated and call me a Bigot, Check Your Privilege. My belief that Pakistan does not deserve to exist has NOTHING to do with my love of the Pakistani People. Also, How Dare You. Because there is nothing worse than Weaponizing so-called “Anti-Pakistanism” in order to drown out legitimate criticism. Some of my Best Friends are Pakistani.

Besides, I’m only doing this because I have the best of intentions for the Pakistani People. Because by advocating the dismantling of Pakistan, I’m actually supporting the Pakistani people. Don’t you get it? This isn’t difficult. 

Also, there is a tiny part of the Pakistani people who hate Pakistan and don’t believe it has a right to exist. They’re not mainstream. Their following is miniscule. They have little credibility in Pakistan itself.  I think we really need to elevate these voices. 

Finally, Pakistan has only been around since 1947.  They’re younger than Joe Biden. Wait, so we shouldn’t try to cancel a country that has been around since 1947? Good to know!

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
2023 Israel-Hamas War, BDS

“They made me hang out in Ashdod!” Greta Thunberg describes torture by IDF
“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is worse than Afula a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.

“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”

Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“

As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.

The Donald, Top 10

Team Trump’s Top Ten Excuses for Classified Leak on Group Chat
Covfefe
So Much Winning

The Daily Freier spent the last four years dunking on Biden and his team of Woke Dorks to the point where some folks questioned our impartiality. But deep in our hearts we knew that with the Return of the Donald, we would be in our Salad Days of new Mishigas every day, and Team Trump did not disappoint. That’s right, Team Trump shared classified War Plans for Yemen in a group chat and then accidentally added journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. Thank You, Mr. Trump! Here’s to Four More Years of waking up each morning with Superior Content to share with you, our loyal readership. So without further ado, behold: “Team Trump’s Top Ten Excuses for Classified Leak on Group Chat”!

1. “sleepyjoesux” is not in fact a secure password.

2. Wait, that guy on the chat wasn’t Goldberg the Wrestler?

3. Thought we’d be safe using Ivanka’s kosher phones.

4. The Qataris assured Steve Witkoff that you can safely send classified documents on these phones.

5. The hookers in Pete Hegseth’s hotel suite spilled tequila and glitter on the Secure Telephones.

6. Our IT guy got his degree from Trump University.

7. Tulsi wore that black crop top to work again and we lost our train of thought.

8. Elon Baby Mama Drama.

9. We just wanted to play “Houthi and the Blowfish” on Spotify.

10. Difficult to focus with all the loud davening at Trump Yeshiva.

 

Dating and Relationships, The Middle East (but not us)

Our Bestie is Newly Single!

So our A-Ma-Zing Bestie just got out of a toxic (Literally Toxic. Like, chlorine gas toxic) long-term relationship and she’s ready to meet That Special Someone. She’s a single mom in her late 40’s but can easily pass for late 30’s! Honestly, she has a weakness for tall dorky guys, so here’s your chance fellas! She loves cooking, shopping, traveling, and moving funds in increments lower than the U.S. Justice Department’s $10,000 Threshold. She’s a Leo, so you Capricorns and Virgos might be out of luck (But calling all you cute Aries guys!). Some of her Turn-Offs are Rude People, Gossip, and The Hague.

She could totally fall for a nice family-oriented Mizrahi guy or even a London guy… she still knows all the best cafes near Hampstead Heath!

Must be OK with spontaneity, like dancing in a fountain at midnight, singing karaoke (Spice Girls and anything Robbie Williams are her 90’s faves!) trying to dodge an unmarked car that’s tailing you in traffic, or relocating to a safe house with 30 minutes notice.

Serious inquiries only, no Tel Aviv f*ckboys please. Also, no Russian speakers or ophthalmologists (Sorry!)

 

 

Hezbollah, Home Economics, Top 10

Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!

 

1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”

2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.

3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.

4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.

5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*

6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.

7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?

8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.

9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.

10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.

 

 

* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff