At some point in time, I will be able to write more...

But this will be a "Pinned Post", to appear at the top of my journal, for anyone coming to read my entries.

On the 29th of November, 2023, something happened that caused me some stress, anxiety, and questioned someone/s motives and intentions.

On the 1st of February, a continuation of that incident was like a knife was driven through my heart, and it triggered a severe relapse in to depression, anxiety, borderline panic attacks, and agoraphobia.

On the 8th of March, 2023, my fate was decided.



But it was the second of these events that caused me to change EVERYTHING about my life and social media. I've never been on Twitter / X, or used TikTok. I played with Instagram for a few months, many MANY years ago, but its popularity eluded me. I installed Snapchat to amuse my Mum and some friend with ridiculous filters, but hardly ever look at it.

But most importantly of all...

I changed almost ALL of my photographs on Flickr to "Private" or "Friends / Family" only. I made ALL of my YouTube videos private. And I changed all my entries here on LiveJournal to "Friends Only", except for this one.

One day, I shall tell you why.

But for now... I am disappearing.

I cannot trust... (almost) anyone.



UPDATE 19 March: 25th of March will be the decision of my fate.
UPDATE 07 April: STILL waiting.

...another full day in bed.

Sigh.

Looking at open browser tabs, and I think I'll delete / close my MeWe account. It was a good alternative to Facebook in terms of no advertising, extra privacy, and lots of naughty pics, but we now have BlueSky for that (even though it still doesn't have good privacy levels...)

Decisions, decisions...

As my mental health has been suffering lately (especially after the medical episodes following my COVID vaccination... then the work investigation... then a number of friends dying), I've spoken to my shrink about a hospital stay for enhanced mental health treatment. It was especially bad after the trial of the 2 unsuccessful new anti-depressants, but after going back to my old tried and tested medication, he seemed to think I wouldn't need it a specialist hospital treatment stay.

And to be honest... I don't know what they could actually achieve in a short time anyway. I know a lot are focussed on infusion therapy, which I think is micro-dosing of Ketamine, but anything that alters how my mind feels (dizziness, vertigo, claustrophobic spaces) causes me panic attacks - let alone something that may slightly alter my perception / awareness.

I was looking at the Health Ombudsman website as there is some good information about different coverage and options. But without the highest level of private health insurance (which would proabkyt be close to AUD$400 a month!), then in-hospital psychiatric services aren't covered.

Anyway... I'm waiting to see my shrink. I made a booking a few months ago, and his first available date was the 8th of July - and even being on a waitlist, I haven't been given an earlier appointment. No wonder there's so many people who go without help - both the cost AND the lack of doctors!

Just.

Another day of not doing much at all... Although my iMac (it's a 2017 model) has decided to start misbehaving again. To be honest, a lot of the time I think it's because I just have too much on the hard drive - even though the majority of my data is stored on external drives or in the cloud.

So I decided to do another attempt at "cleaning it up", which is normally a fresh install of the operating system. The other problem with the big iMac (it's a 27: 5K Retina display) is that it will now no longer be updated past the Sequoia operating system.

So I moved EVERYTHING on my desktop to an external drive, and then made sure I had a Time Machine backup completed.

The most amazing thing was that I actually used ChatGPT to diagnose the issues, and give me suggestions on what steps I needed to do. The first was indeed what I normally do anyway, which is to move files, and do a backup. But it was incredibly good at giving me clear step-by-step instructions that were easy to follow. And once done, I could ask continued or further questions and give feedback on what was now happening, and it would suggest things to check in the Activity Monitor, and then specific cache files to delete (which then automatically rebuild themselves).

Pretty amazing really. Literally like having my pwn personal tech support person sitting there. I'm lucky that I'm pretty tech savvy, but I thought even people with less computer skills could probably have followed the instructions quite well. And that's what I like to use AI for - assisting! Problem solving! Not making ridiculous inane videos of kittens dressed up and dancing. (Although AI music creation is pretty cool...).

So all seems to be working well, and I'll try and keep files on the external drive. But of course - I'm a digital hoarder, so they'll stay there, and I will forget about them! Also looked up possibly replacing the internal hard drive with a full SSD (I have the Fusion Drive, which is a normal internal hard drive plus a small SSD that has the most common files on it). So I found something, but to be honest, it would probably be better to save up for a new iMac. Although they don't do the 27" screens any more, which is a shame... And I found an upgrade kit, for only AUD$415, so might look in to that.

I love how I ended my conversation with ChatGPT by thanking it, and how I could now speed off in to the sunset on my faster computer, and it replied with this:


Then myself, Andy, and David went out for dinner at our favourite Japanese restaurant in Bankstown, Hanamaruya.
For the first time, I tried a different dish, rather than my normal Kara-age chicken ramen. This time I tried a butter corn Shiro ramen, which was quite nice. And I ordered 2 pieces of the chicken on the side to go with it. Om nom nom!
Took a photo of David wearing my glasses, which he looks quite nice in. He's like me - he doesn't like photos of himself, but EVERYONE who sees him thinks he's bloody cute. And he is!






Don't you just want to pinch those cheeks?

In Australia, we use the meteorological calendar to mark the beginning of the seasons, rather than the astrological one (using the equinoxes and solstices...).

So today is officially the first day of winter Down Under.

And I finally got out of bed... and functioned. Just.

Actually broke out the Volley "Snugg Mules" I bought quite some time ago. Actually... I bought them in December LAST YEAR! I bought a pair for Oz, and a pair for Craige, for Christmas, so also bought myself a pair, as they were on a great special price. Reduced from AUD$110 a pair to just AUD$69 a pair, so that's a good reduction. I would actually never pay that full price anyway. And they are REAL sheepskin / suede, so that means no sweaty feet from polyester or acrylic sherpa-esque materials, which can create all sorts of fungal issues, etc.

So I was actually wearing the American Airlines pyjamas my friend Kim gave to me when she flew down here about 2 years ago, which are unisex, and fit me perfectly, and my mules around the house for a while.

I did actually eventually shower and dress properly to leave the house, and go and get some petrol. The government has still got a reduction on the fuel levy, down from AUD52.6c per litre, to half that, at AUD26c per litre, roughly. But petrol is still pretty expensive because of you-know-who doing you-know-what.

But 98 Octane at AUD$1.949 per litre isn't too bad, so I put 51.31 litres in to The Beast, totalling... AUD$100!






I feel like a proper bogan now! LOL

This.

Is.

Ridiculous.

I know I have the choice. To get up and do... something.... ANYTHING. Or stay in bed all day.

Why do I keep choosing the latter, easier one? Am I THAT lazy? Or am I THAT depressed?

So yeh... This is the 4th day I've spent pretty much the entire day in bed.

Yesterday and today in my iCal were the day(s) that I had a plethora of iCal reminders of tasks, etc. And it's taken me until today (the 15th of June) to catch up on a post for "today", and I've moved them all until tomorrow. Lets hope I can get out of bed... Even if I don't leave the house, maybe I'll be able to sort through a lot of the reminders and delete them. Actually, I know there's quite a few I will be able to delete. Reminders to buy tickets to concerts that I've now missed.

*sigh*

Anyway, lets get rid of more Safari tabs...
One of the drivers I work with (who transferred to the Newcastle depot last year), told me that if I like Ouzo (I love aniseed / liquorice), that I should try THIS Turkish grape spirit with aniseed. But I probably won't... It's called Rakisi. I used to have some Ouzo, but I like to stick with my 2 favourites if I'm going to have something alcoholic. Kahlua (which I have with milk, coz I'm super gay), or Malibu, which I have with a mango cordial and some lemonade. Yummy!
Oh... and another Safari tab browser was THIS one. Talking about the various common, and rare side effects from the different vaccines for COVID. Of course, the one I had a major rare side effects of blood clots - which is possibly what was happening to me when I had such an elevated heart rate and shortness of breath. Even if that passed / abated, it certainly did something to the blood vessels in my dick, which is why I now have Peyronie's disease. And will probably never be intimate with anyone ever again in my life. *sigh*

Here I am again...

Languishing.

Staying in bed, the WHOLE day once again.

I aren't even doing any online shopping to get that quick dopamine hit - although I've been thinking about it.

I had a few open tabs for buying some health supplements that I thought might help me. It's a long time ago, but you might remember waaaaay back in late 2020, after getting my 2 AstraZeneca COVID vaccinations that I had some weird health issues arise that saw me go to the emergency department of hospital for the first time in my life.

All sorts of things were checked, but the only substantiated diagnosis was Peyronie's disease (which is related to blood / plaque, so it's part of the known issues that particular vaccination was causing).

The other issue was ongoing shortness of breath. Around that time, I was struggling to even do the short, flat walk around the corner to Woollies and back. Over time, it got better, but I still have good days and bad. Sometimes I can climb a flight of stairs and not feel too bad at all, but another day, I climb the same set of stairs, and I feel like I cannot breathe, and it starts triggering a panic attack. My heart rate instantly goes through the roof...

Yet, if I were to do a 10km bushwalk / hike, on relatively flat ground, at a fairly brisk pace, I wouldn't really have much trouble at all. It's basically Dyspnoea on Exertion - a known issue. But the underlying cause it's what's not been found out in my case. I wish I knew so I could manage it.

I've been looking at some Lion's Mane mushroom supplements like Lignosus, or THIS one from Organic Farmacy. But they're pretty expensive... And who knows whether they would work or not? But sometimes... I get desperate!

We shall see... I might try one in a few weeks time, when I go back to work, so that I'm actually out of bed and functioning / moving, so there will be a better chance of me noting any improvement in my breathing.

*sigh*

Another full day in bed.

Trying to shut down my brain at night is proving impossible. It just doesn't stop. So I toss and turn and then it's around 6.00am sometimes, and I finally drift off to sleep. So when I wake up a little after lunchtime, I feel like the entire day has gone, so stay in bed, and go back to sleep.

So then I wake up again around 6.00pm (sometimes earlier, and sometimes later), and then around 11.00pm - a normal bed time - trying to go to sleep again proves impossible, because I've already slept the entire day.

So the cycle repeats.

And of course, the ridiculous amount of negative thoughts about myself that swirl around in my brain whilst trying to go to sleep is overwhelming. I'm weird... I'm a loser... I behave strangely...

And of course, I have all these things that I keep buying, but almost never use. And then I have this great idea to focus on a certain product, and make sure I start using it. And I don't. Mostly.

Some I do... I've actually been very good at making sure I apply my The Ordinary face products after showering (when and if I eventually get up), and also applying them at night just before going to bed, but of course, on these days where I spend the entire time in bed, I don't do it. And I don't eat. And don't shower. And don't brush my teeth. I just languish... and rot.

And of course, in addition to sleeping the day away, when I'm awake in bed, I just go through a cycle of iPad / iPhone / playing games / doomscrolling. Which doesn't help. Especially BlueSky, when I see all these handsome hairy guys with nice cocks... which makes me feel so inadequate. And down on myself.

I wish I understood why I've never really had much of a sex drive / libido... and I absolutely honestly don't think I've ever felt "horny". I should MAKE myself watch porn more often. Maybe that will start a slow cycle of buildding up... horniness?

I admit... I'm not much of a porn watcher. But if I do (and I've talked about them before), I like the old WorkingMenXXX series. REAL men. Most of whom I think are actually straight, but because they're horny and getting paid money or drugs, they're happy to do anything. And they do. They suck, they fuck, they swallow cum. And they are real southern American working bubvba type of guys. Not great bodies. Not great looking. Just.... REAL.

But of course, I STILL get sad that I can't even find out how I can get naked and sexual with these guys. Kind of ridiculous. I should just enjoy it, get myself off, and go to sleep. But my brain doesn't turn off the background noise...

Oh well, if you want to see the type of videos I like, you can find one... HERE!

I hate this so much.

I knew this was going to happen.

And I know that I have a choice. Which is to stay in bed all day, or get up and do something.

And even though my mind seems to spin with a huge amount of fun things I could do by myself, for little or no cost, in a relatively local area, I keep choosing the "stay in bed" option. Because it's the easy option.

And I hate myself for it.

Which plunges me deeper in to depression.

And makes the choice to get up and out of bed and do something even MORE difficult.

I'm trying to do an online course done by the Anxiety Disorder's Clinic at St. Vincent's Hospital called "This Way Up". And of course, my motivation to actually focus and DO it, is also difficult to find, and fight against the easier option of staying in bed and sleeping.

Funnily enough, years and years ago when my anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were at their worst (before I finally started taking anti-depressants around 2000/2001), I did actually attend a week's workshop for panic disorder, based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It didn't work for me. The medication (Aropax) however, changed my life.

But now... it doesn't really do anything for the depression. And the 2 other ones I tried last year didn't work, and one of them made things SO much worse.

So yes... I spent the entire day in bed.

Because I'm still about 3 weeks behind in journal entries, if I don't have anything in Photos or iCal, I'm at a loss too remember what I did. So I will then use my Health App to see how my "rings" went - Move, Exercise, and Stand.

And somehow today, I closed them all!

Yet I have nothing to remind me what I did! Well... I now do - my memory has been jogged (not that I'd do anything akin to exercise like jogging... LOL)

Seriously!

But what I DO have was a photo from YESTERDAY that I forgot to post.

Andy recently got made redundant from his job of 14 years, and his last day was Friday just over a week ago. So we're both kind of on leave at the moment - me on Annual Leave, and he between jobs. I keep joking with him to "get a job and a haircut, you bum!". But he's already got interviews lined up, so yesterday I drove him to one in Caringbah. He looked very smart all dressed up. So I had to take a. photo.

Today, he had an interview in Blacktown, so I drove him out to that one.

He doesn't have a car - he hasn't had one for years. And he has kind of stopped driving mine, because he actually had a panic attack one day whilst going through the M5 tunnel, and as well all know with panic attacks, we associate the location with being the cause, so he' had difficulty getting in a car and driving by himself.

Anyway, with driving him there and back, and probably going shopping, I obviously managed to close all my rings! Who would have thought!






He scrubs up well!

Well,

I have done the train trip, and have seen Sparks... and now have another 4 weeks of Annual Leave to go, and I have...

No.

Plans.

Steve has suggested that I don't need to go down to Stawell to see him, as he wants me to save my money and possibly join him in Tucson, AZ in September, when he visits his sister (who I have met).

And it's cold down in Stawell.

And we've done all the stuff you can do in the area anyway.

So I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I have ZERO motivation.

Zero interest in doing anything, or going anywhere.

Well... I shouldn't say zero. When I go to bed, and try to go to sleep, my brain is filled with a myriad of ideas of things I could go and do, and people to see, and things to try. And I toss and turn and struggle to get to sleep. And eventually fall asleep around 5.00am, so wake up a little after lunchtime, and the day has gone.

So I might get up, but most of the time, I won't.

This shits me.

So I guess a lot of these entries will probably (hopefully) be clearing out the ridiculous amount of open Safari tabs that I have on various devices. For no reason other than the ADHD / OCD need to "archive" them.

Like ridiculous ones like this... Where I saw a video in a Facebook reel of a podcaster interviewing someone, who I recognised, but didn't really know, so had to look up. Steve Schirripa. Even though he's not hairy or bearded, I find him quite handsome / sexy.

And that was my day... I didn't really do much at all.