{Buffy} what's real?

*shy* *shameful* Hello!

For some reason, I haven't had access to lj or dw since the move in July when I wanted to update about that. I kept getting messages like my IP address is blocked and what have you. I tried everything in the computer itself, I tried from my phone, I tried to dispute what happened because the reasons given were all fake/wrong. I mean, how can I be aggressive, unprofessional, gross, disrespectful towards anyone here and in my own posts when I haven't done anything at all but feel helpless and ashamed of my life and not writing anything to explain these... anyway.

I'm back now but it won't last. Unless I have a miracle happen before the end of the month. Not that anyone cares anyway... And I'm not just talking here on lj because, you lot that read this are not included. How can you since you haven't been following anything since the last post?

Scammers. All around us. Even trying to sell a couch, I was getting a scammer claiming to want to buy it, can you believe that? True story. Not only that but I got another one, that same night, with almost exactly the same story. The groups on FB are filled with scammers. Those that aren't scammers are needing help as well so they can't help me as I can't help them myself.

I sent the scam info to the bank after having retrieved some of the stuff on my phone. I got no news from them by email that they received it/will look it over/will contact me. Nothing. When it comes to paying the credit card, however, they got free reign on my account so they paid themselves twice. I got phone issues to the point I lost the line for 2 days. I am not able to pay most of my services and I probably won't have enough to pay rent next month. And I need to give an answer to the landlord about the renewal for July.

I am constantly fighting/crying with my roommate and friend and she still doesn't have a job because her mental health has gotten bad. She did have a job last year for a month and a half but after having covid, she got a misunderstanding by one of the managers and quit and now she thinks she's going to be blocked everywhere. What the manager understood and said was totally not right at all. Roommie wanted to get back, with fewer hours that first week and the manager understood that she only wanted 3h shifts and her extension of sickness was not possible and needed a doctor's note... See?!

So, I'm not sure why I'm here, on lj, making this update. I don't know why I bother because it won't change anything at all and I'll be judged by everyone...

I lost all hope, but I'm acting as if I'm still alright with the people around me. I am working hard to have a paying side hustle and to achieve my goal on Instagram. I am nearing 1k followers and so I need about 9k so they consider me to be monetized. If I lose everything, and I know I will, I will never achieve this. And I was so hopeful since I have found something I really love with my job (even though the pay is complete and utter shit!) and IG.

Oh well... enough writing for nothing. I'll go back and be nonexistant here.

Move along. Go on. Nothing to see here. Sorry, I wasted your time.
{Bookish} it's a mustard kinda feeling

... a place isn't a place until it has a bookstore...

So, let's talk about my job now. I mean, why not?!

Before the huge hiatus, I think I was still working at the clinic or I had left the clinic because that place wasn't for me. Something like that. I mean, I did keep the post with my Halloween makeup on so maybe I had started working at the bookstore... Can't quite remember.
October 2020. That's when I started there for the Holiday season. It was a contract that would end in January 2021. A year and a half later, I am still working there. Well, more than a half now, considering but still.

The job is a dream for book lovers like me. You get to be surrounded by books (and other things) all day long, every day, every week, every month. You place them, you suggest them and so on...

The pay is total crap though.

Minimum wage to receive the books on carts that you have to place all around the store in their right section. Or you have to place huge quantities on tables. You climb up and down little steps. You get down on your knees regularly. You walk around between 12-20k steps in a day. You go see customers all the time and answer questions. Order books for them. You risk hurting yourself seriously. Fingers squished. Receiving books, and other things, on the head and face. Bumping yourself all over the place. And many other things.

Most of it is worth it though. If only the salary would be better, this would be ideal, in a way. But it's not, and it will never be. Especially for a person being the only money maker in the household. I can barely make it by myself. It's even harder for two. On top, 3 cats.

When I was hired, like I said, my contract was supposed to end in January. We didn't make it to January due to Covid so December 24 was the last time I worked there. Until I got a call in February that they had a stop available and if I was interested, it would be mine because I exceeded their expectations and they would be happy to have me in their team permenantly. I accepted right away. I mean, by that time, I was looking for a job and I was ready to get anything as long as I had a salary coming in. I've been with them since.

This year, especially the last couple months, things have been changing a lot at the store. Not job wise but colleagues. The original team that was there when I started is almost completely gone in a manner of two months. I am now the oldest in terms of seniority now. Not overall in the employs but the ones working on the floor with the clients, yeas. In terms of age, actual age, I am the oldest at 43. It's crazy to think about. I mean, even the actual director of the store left...

I wanna leave, too. I wanna go work in an actual library where the minimum salary is 10$ more per hour.

I did send my resume online in January this year and about a month ago, I received an email from someone over there saying I was selected in a group for a general questionnaire that could lead to an interview and a possible job. The opportunity failed because my computer decided to update and I logged in late to the Zoom meeting and the reschedule wasn't working for me and they needed people now so they keep me in the bank  for next time... possibly/maybe.

With the move, it would be perfect because I could walk there if I want. Also, since libraries are connected to the city, I could have the opportunity to work in 5 different libraries. The routine, if you want, would always change and it would be nice. Also, working with just books would be even better. Because we have games and some home decor and school stuff and kitchen things. Only books would be excellent.
I feel I am missing on details but this post seems all over the place so I might just stop there. That's a good update, I think. Feel free to ask questions if you want, Ill do my best to answer them.

For now though, I stay at the bookstore.
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{Buffy} what's real?

... wake up and smell the routine...

So, I'm definitely not back in the routine I used to have here.
I am looking for things to write about to change my mind, somewhat. I feel everything I would write would only turn around in circle. It's all the same. I am pulling at strings right now. I know I would have tons to write about once the move is done. I'm still totally scared about what's going to happen though.
Oh, I could write about work. I did mention something about that in an earlier post.
Do you guys know I work at a bookstore? *thinks* Don't think you do... I have been gone for 2 years and I've been working there for a year and a half.
It's the dream job for a reader like me but the pay is shit. Let's admit it right now.
I actually have tons to say about that job so I'll do a separate post for that. If I have time.
Today is Quebec's day (St-Jean holiday) so everything is closed. We are not ready for the move in a week (literally a week). The weather outside is amazing (hot and sunny) and we need to do boxes.
Sorry, this post is totally random and all over the place. Thought I'd update anyway.
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{Bookish}

... tears are a reminder that we are more than the moment...

2 days.

That's how long I went without any tears.

The thing that brought them on, and I've been shedding them since, is my roommate admitting, finally, that she needs help getting out of the deep well she's sinking into. She's stressed, anxious, depressed, suicidal and, yeaterday, she asked for help. Not professional, but asked that I help her more than I've been doing. I am there. I wanna help. I just don,t know how much I can.

I am strong but I have my issues, too. I am only one person. I am only one human like her. I don't have all the knowledge, I don't have the certificates. I can only listen and be there.

I have been crying since because I see the day advancing and I have no idea how I will manage everything by moving day.

I've been doing the necessities but I'm just not getting any results at all.

I'm telling myself good things daily but the negativity comes and bites me in the ass anyway. I'm thinking of doing spells but the whole personal gain thing is looming and I just can't. Also, only being a baby witch... I don't trust my power.

Going to buy a lottery ticket for later. I doubt I'll gain anything because it's not how it works. Now that reminds me that we did go to the casino this weekend but we didn't play. We got this weird feeling once in there. We looked around, were somewhat intersted to play some but then we all got a bad feeling and just left.

Dad's back at the hospital. No idea when he'll be out officially yet. And even then, he's not going home jus yet and we don't know how long about the readaptation center either. He feels like shit he won't be able to help for the move. Told him that's not important. He needs to think about himself. We will manage. I hope. I wonder if I can have a payment arrangement. I can ask for sure...

So, that's where I am at now. It's hard. And I just want a Delorin to jump back in time.
{Bookish}

... I don't chase. I attract...

"Sometimes, failure can be a wonderful stroke of luck. You may think you know what your next step should be, but when you take it and fail, the lesson you learn ultimately ends up being what was standing between you and success."

I have been in such a serious negative loop the past week and a half that I gotta get myself out with positivity. Yes, it's been pretty negative since middle of May, when I think about it because I was scammed and I went really low on myself.
They say negativity will only bring negative things when I should just turn around, face the other way and my luck will turn. Right?

So, I gotta kick myself in the butt, hard, and start thinking positive. Give myself pep talks. I need to start saying positive things about what happened to me even though it's really hard. I gotta say that the future holds great things and they are gonna happen really soon and I will be happy about it all in the end. There was a lesson to be learned. I made a mistake by allowing it to happen because, it's true, I knew there could be bad consequences and yet, I let it happen.

Now, with the fundraisers, because yes I got two now, I am hoping to be seen (and I will!) and then people will find it in their heart to lend a helping hand. I know times are hard for everyone.

I am a good person.
I have no bad intentions.
Crying will not lead to anything good so I am stopping it right here, right now.
Thinking negatively will just keep me in this negative loop.
People will find it in their heart to help.
People are helpful.
I trust people. I have faith in people.
I will get through this.
Steps have been taken.
Deep breaths, things will get better.
I am here to stay
I will be happy again.
I have big dreams and I will achieve them.
This will just be a bad memory left in a drawer somewhere to remain closed later.

So, I need to find better positive things to tell myself because I feel those are okay, they aren't bad, but I need them to really work great. I am a witch/wicca. Too bad a lot of things I cannot do myself for myself because of the whole personal gain thing and having bad consequences but... things are going to get better. Get good. And I will be moving in. Decorate. Share updates. Get active again, much more than this and I will not focus on only one plateform like I did.

Things are gonna get better. Are gonna get good. Starting now. I feel it. I see that little spark of hope right on the corner here, waiting for a sign so it can move in. I welcome it. It's coming.
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{Bookish} there's magic in the air

... the heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature...

I don't think I updated you guys on my dad's situation, have I?

Back in May,bit was his birthday (May 18th). He turned 73. About 6 months ago or so, his neuro doctor took him off his MS medication because "at his age, MS would remain dormant". So everything looked fine.

It wasn't. Not really. Dad saw himself change a lot. MS wasn't affecting him directly but he was becoming more tired, slower and some other issues most likely unrelated.

Then, one night about a week or so after his birthday, he wanted to go to the bathroom and he struggled to sit on the bed to get up from it. And he slid down to the floor. Unable to get back up. His legs were not responding at all. Mom wasn't able to lift him up either. She called the ambulance and the went to the hospital.

7 hours in the waiting room. Finally got admitted in a room in the neurology center. MS came, saw and conquered. Big flare-up that stopped his legs from working. He was lucky, however, and got the use of his legs the next day or so with either morphine or something else.

A week later, he wasn't out.

He's still not out.

I mean, they allowed him 2 days for father's day but he's had so many things happen and it took ages to know what was going on. I even had to tell mom not to wait for the nurses and doctors to came and talk because they won't if they have nothing to check on dad for.

Long story short: kidney stones that took a week, crying and getting really mad to finally know what this burning feeling was. Same with hiccups or gastric reflux he's had non stop for a few days that prevented him from sleeping.

They need to run more tests to make sure there is nothing else but he's been peeing every 15-20 minutes or so... maybe the stones, maybe not.

When he's officially out of the hospital, he's got more tests to run that they can't do at the hospital (what??). He's also apparently not going back home but at a readapation center to really get back to walking better. Yeah, because that's an issue. He'll probably need to use a walker instead of crutches. We'll have to wait and see. They say it's to "relearn" how to walk without supervision, which he wasn't able to do before but he improved so much, I guess this weekend is a sort of test run.

Apparently, mom said they were going to go at the camping place over the weekend and dad's back in the hospital on Sunday night. I am not going to drive all the way there but since it's father's day, I'm going to call him.

I think I covered most everything about dad. I'm probably missing out on some details but, overall, that's that.

Wanna know about work next? I got things to say about that.

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{Bookish}

... memories. deleting...

I wish there was a better, faster way to delete posts on LJ than going one by one.

All these crossposted posts from Twitter are really useless here and I got soooooo many of them. Crazy.

I am cleaning up this account. Not sure what the use is since my future is still totally in the dark but I have to keep faith. Right?

Anyway.

We have to go to Kahnawake today so the roommate can get her cigarettes. A whole month's worth of cigarettes there for the price of two days worth at the convenience store on the corner of the street.

There's a casino there that we've been wanting to try out. It's a natives casino so no affiliation with Quebec's government so more chances of winning. We can try, right?
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{Bookish}

... A GOAL WITHOUT A PLAN IS JUST A WISH...

*Apparently, crossposting is refused by lj from DW. Oh well.*

If this post is different from DW, it's because i thought of more things while copy/pasting. I will update DW later.

For the new apartment, if we make it there, we have great plans with decorations and all that jazz.

- Bohemian/witchy decor through the whole space being one of them.

- Cozying up the balcony.

- Probably will create a fake fireplace or at least a mantel or something.

- I restart my Bookstagram. Well, not restart but go back to it. I have been losing followers there because I am 100% inactive right now. The algorythm will not show me how I want to be shown.

- The roommate and I would love to start a YouTube channel. We would try to do like Tina Le with home, lifestyle and diys (if you don't know her and her channel, I suggest you look it up!!). We might add recipes and a few other things. We have to think things through.

We don't necessarily wanna do this to get paid by YouTube and get sponsors and stuff but I cannot deny it wouldn't hurt. But it's not gonna happen overnight.

We have more but we don't have the equipment for most of these things.

I am really hoping things will turn for the better.
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