Ive been gone for what feels like a long time, literally out of the country too. the past three months seemed like a huge leap for me. A leap in age, maturity, experience, knowledge, love, determination, and so much more. And now I feel like I've been harnessed or pulled back. I feel like i was so far ahead of everyone else, and of the person that I used to now myself as, and now I'm restrained, I'm plopped back into the same stuff I was in before I left. And I'm unsatisfied. There are no challenges here. i was exercizing like a mad woman when i got back, but a series of unlucky injuries has pretty much dampened that idea of a challenge for at least another week, which translates to a few pounds not yet lost. I don't know if I'm just bored or what...I just hope that my boredom doesn't lead to temptations.
And the people. I don't know how to relate to people anymore. Well, there are few who i will always be able to know, no matter what we've been through, but that's because i've known them since fifth grade. I already want to leave santa barbara again, but not forever. I don't think i'll ever be able to leave sb forever. the people who i truely care about are the ones who I'll always know, and I'm not scared of lossing them while I'm away, because they're the kind of people who check in with you evevn if you tell them not too. I also have these urges to try new things, but everyone has these expectataions of me to d certain activities, like I'm not allowed to stray and explore. god I just want out already. At the same time I'm angry and sad because some of the poeple i adore and want to still know have grown so far apart, they're not necessarily different people, it's the opposite, they're exactly the same as when i left, but i'm beyond them i feel like. They are also expecting certain things of me and are so restricting in their friendships. Like if you don't have this one interest anymore, then you can't even say hello to them or something. I'm really strating to believe that i am one of those people who is rarely compatible with others, I don't know if I'm socially retarded or what, but i always get in wierd situations with people....and sometimes i would prefer just not to know them....or to be ale to remeet them.
Anyway i have the need to see soo much more of the world, and meet people who are more accpeting than the people i know here. Or at least i want to meet people who are willing to experience different cultures, and just different perspectives. I want to grow badly as a person, until i don't know when, unitl I'm satisfied. And i don't want social rules to apply to my own journey....I want to be free to gain knowledge however I like. And i don't want anyone to expect very much of me. You can expect me to still be a kind, good, and respsonsible individual, but i don't wish to be tied down by much more. No more of fitting into categories.....it makes me sick to think of what i gained while away, and so soon again lost in the time I've been back.
contemplative