I miss you so much.

MY FOREVER BELOVED.

I miss you all and this space very, very much. Xo

I don't know how much I will be on here because of the Ru$$!a stuff, but I love you all! xo

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Some of this was inspired by Emily Artful being so transparent about her past, especially with this last video she released last night. It's something that I have been ruminating on for a while, and it's something that I have spoken on before.

I've always lived by the maxim, "you can't run away from trouble, there's no place that far," and it has served me well. I am not a perfect person, and don't always have the "correct" takes on everything (which is laughable, honestly, because who gets to quantify what is correct? People are exhausting.) I am not always a peach to deal with. I've talked about this all before. (I mean, I am still not quite over some of these people MAKING UP entire reasons they disliked me, based on things that literally never happened, but that's another story for another day!)

It wasn't until recently that I realized: many these people who were so cruel to me, especially the ones who were my "friends," were jealous of me. Holy shit, that IS a revelation.

Now, I recognize that this is a very Leo thing to say, but the more and more I thought about it, the more I realize that this is true. They were try-hard, wannabe Pick Mes with PickMeItis (a term I coined in middle school) before the concept came into the popular sphere. (Mostly I called people with PickMeItis those who were teachers' pets and who had to tell everyone how good they were at everything every waking moment of every day). (I have since tried to stop using Pick Me so that it is not confused with AAVE, and I try to be incredibly mindful of my language and not appropriating). For someone who was wholly unremarkable, they were constantly dying to be noticed. I just remember how they were just dying to be unique and special so badly, and it was so grating. Only the sad thing was, there was absolutely nothing remarkable about them. As many intersections as they tried to collect to check off to make them unique and special, none of those made them either of those things; it just made them annoying.

I did not and do not see myself as exceptional. I am just a wacky little Brer Rabbit-y Candide-y type figure who haphazardly stumbles through life, and it just somehow happens to all work out. But what I can say about myself is that I DO apply myself, and try to do my best, which has quite naturally lent into to developing and refining skills.

They never made anything artistically that wasn't cliché or juvenile.

In a way, even though these people were unspeakably cruel and what they did to me was unconscionable even in the context of being teenagers, I ultimately feel sorry for them.

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About a month ago, I deleted my Tumblr.

At one point, I had 3 accounts: one for just me and my interests/ art, one for fashion/ street fashions, and one for my music. All three accounts were under the same login.

I logged in for the last time, and terminated my account.

I love so many of the friends I met on Tumblr. I am still friends with many of them. Thankfully, we can all find each other on other places on the internet.

I did not delete my Tumblr to run away from trouble of the potential "accountability" (whatever that means, but more on that in a bit). I deleted it because it stood as a lasting reminder: By and large, Tumblr was some of the worst the internet had to offer.

And when I say, 'some of the worst the internet had to offer," I mean that literally.

I will not miss the art theft that got my chased off the internet and that person a big internship at an animation studio. I won't miss the DMs to unalive myself, or the constant hate I received because I REFUSED to back down in re: this person's theft. I will not miss the "gentle reminders" from people commenting on ethnic in-jokes that they didn't understand. I will not miss people re-blogging and sharing my posts as "cultural appropriation" when it was MY CULTURE I WAS TALKING ABOUT. (I'll give you a hint about those latter two ⚪). (I also see a lot of this still on Twitter, and I wonder if it's the same people/ same accounts.) I will not miss my art being reblogged in "this character ugly art blogs," will not miss being roped into fandoms I wasn't actually part of just because I drew some characters, will not miss self-righteous people who had no idea what they were talking about grandstanding and using my entries or blogs to do it (even though I still see a lot of this on Twitter, and yes, the exact same accounts). I can always spot a lot of former Tumblr users by their level of misinformed self-righteousness, and the sheer ratio of that self-righteousness to speaking both incorrectly and out of their leagues. I will not miss the expl!c!t content, especially that which constantly made its way to my inbox, even though it was supposed to be banned.

I will miss the nice picture blogs, the aesthetic photos, the niche fandom blogs, the adorable gif sets, the supportive reblogging and sharing of other people's art. I will miss the rare audio and photos. I will miss posts from people who actually knew what they were talking about. I will miss the baby artists and creatives who were finding a safe community to understood them. I Will miss blogs like Animated Minds, MedievalPOC, Art of Marc Davis,-- etc. etc. etc.

Goodbye, Tumblr, you miserable waste of space. Your dormancy now is your own fault. You destroyed yourself. No one did that to you but you.

On Sunday, we went and renewed our SF Zoo membership and got to go in! :D

It was super rainy, but all of the animals were out playing, and it was relatively quiet.

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Guess who rebroke her foot.

🙃

After designing the matching dress/playsuit for my niece and nephew, I decided that I liked designing little clothes! I wanted to design something for myself!

I love pinafores and suspender skirts, so I wanted to see if I could design something for myself!



In February, I picked up this pattern because it was $3, and because it looked like it was one step closer to my being able to live all of my clown ass Bayou Critter nonsense. (Spoiler, I have never used it. I took it out of the envelope and got instantly overwhelmed.)

Over the last year, for whatever reason (or maybe it was serendipity!), I started collecting fabrics. I bought a gorgeous bed sheet from Sin in Linen, and basically every last inch of that Pinocchio fabric Joann's had. Someone brought to my attention that bed runners that used to be used at the Port Orleans resort were popping up online for sale, and I had to have them.


Not only is it a beautiful colour, and the fact that I am obsessed with toile, but the actual art on it itself is Relevant to my Interests! :)





I think the cute l'il pinafore/ jumper will be a nice, cute way to say goodbye.

Inspired by Christine McConnell and Ashtomaton, I wanted to make this little jumper extra special and embellished.



On a whim, and sort of a stress-induced retail therapy purchase (because Mocha :( ), I bought:

A vintage lace mystery grab bag (which is arrived today, and I cannot WAIT to get home to see what I got!!!! :D)



This cardigan!

and finally, this shirt:


Which was mailed out of the town where my grandfather and great uncles grew up! *spooky Twilight Zone noises* The Etsy seller said was familiar with the family name!!! Pretty exciting! I am VERY EXCITED to finally get it!!!!

For reasons I cannot disclose publicly at this time, I have to take a break from releasing music. I am not that thrilled about it, but hope that those who have been lifting from me will become interested in someone else to ape from in my absence. Sigh. I am trying to paint and draw again, which is still anxiety inducing at this interval. I wanted a new and different creative outlet. I've always told myself that sewing was not in my wheel house, but maybe if if I just TRY I can! Or not, lol. I am sure my friends who sew will just take this project from me at some point, but the good thing is that I bought two of the bed runners as a "just in case! :D"


We are still so sad. We are not going to be NOT sad anytime soon. Christmas is canceled, as far as I am concerned. There is no point to Christmas this year without our Mocha Walnut Chip Christmas Kitty. 💔

Last night we lost our best friend of the last 20 years. It was awful. I have no words. I hate it here.

In no particular order, here are some photos from the last 20 years: