Asking for Help

On By shaunkellettIn Monday Blogs

I finally asked for help.

As youngsters we are told that we should ask for help and assistance as and when we needed it. It’s how we learn, and it’s how we grow. We have teachers in place, parental figures, community officials; in an ideal world we have plenty of avenues to find the help we need. As we age, I think many of us lose this and begin to resent asking for help; there’s many reasons why, maybe it’s considered an act of weakness, maybe we don’t want to be any trouble, or maybe we just don’t think we actually need the help.

A few weeks ago, I realised I needed help and I forced myself to get in touch with someone that could offer it. You may have noticed that my blog has all but dried up here, that my new posts are non-existent, that I haven’t shared, commented, or contributed. This was part of a larger sign and this, along with numerous other factors in my personal life, helped me to seek out the help I felt I required.

I was tired of no longer being creative, I was tired of losing interest in all the things I once enjoyed. I was tired of being scared to live my life, I was tired of being argumentative and irritable to those I love, and I was tired of being tired. I contacted a helpline that my work offers for free, and I was put in touch with a therapist. Since then, I have been diagnosed with MADD (Mixed Anxiety-Depression Disorder) and it’s made everything feel very scary and very real. This is just the first step though, it will get better, and this initial fear will pass.

As part of my progress to improve myself, to get better from this, I wanted to write again. I wanted to put up a post here on Clockwork Clouds, because in the past that has always helped me to feel like myself again. I haven’t written in ages, despite often feeling the need, because I felt guilty for being absent for so long. That was unfair punishment on myself, and partly a symptom of what I’ve been experiencing; something I wouldn’t have realised if I hadn’t first asked for help.

That’s why I want this first post to carry this message: Ask for Help.

It can seem like a really daunting step, and believe me I can understand all the arguments you may tell yourself to not ask. Most, if not all, are maladjusted lines of thought that we use to keep ourselves stuck in a rut. Most, if not all, are symptoms of why we need help in the first place. I strongly recommend, without any doubt at all, just taking the chance and speaking to someone; asking for the help you deserve.

We understand it as children, we need to understand it as adults too. We need to know that asking for help is OK. In fact, it’s more than that; it’s absolutely admirable to do so. Since I spoke to someone about my problems my eyes have been opened to some harsh truths, some things I knew but never really admitted or accepted. However, I also know that it’s for the best. All the reasons I had for not wanting to talk to someone are unjustified. The fear that held me back, the judgement I thought I’d feel, the acceptance I wasn’t willing to make; they’re mainly gone now. I can fully account for just how easy it has been to start the process when I finally picked up the phone (and finally let it fully dial out, rather than prematurely hanging up as I was want to do for all those months).

Everyone’s journey will be different, and it wont be as easy (or even as hard) for some, but that initial hurdle is always the same. The first hurdle is accepting you need help, and, from there, it’s taking the steps to ask for it; be it from a service or from a friend. We often stay stuck behind those hurdles for far longer than is necessary, but it’s only ourselves keeping us stuck there. Allow yourself to accept, and allow someone else to help you carry. It isn’t an instant fix, but it’s a fix you deserve.

I’d love to sign off here and say “I will be writing once a week again“, but I can’t guarantee that anymore. What I can say is: “I will be writing more frequently“. Hopefully that manifests as one post a week, hopefully it manifests as me commenting and engaging with you lovely lot. It may just take some time, though.

37 thoughts on “Asking for Help”

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  4. I’m so glad you were able to reach out and get the support (and diagnosis), Shaun. Yes it’s scary, but having a starting point to work from can take some of that fear away. I always find I deal better with ‘life stuff’ when I know what it is I’m dealing with. Don’t forget, we (online chums and those who have been lucky to meet you in real life – c’est moi!) are here for you whenever you need it. Sorry that it’s been so tough for you lately but I know you have an incredible inner strength that will carry you through. Hugs x

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    1. Thank you so much, Shelley 🙂 That was a lovely comment! I think its true that it’s easier to face when we know what we’re dealing with; I think the main issue at the moment is it’s brought to light quite a lot of things I kept in the shadows, haha. Now though, I’m on the path to deal with it 🙂 Slowly but surely! Thank you so much 🙂

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  6. Asking for help is the hardest part Shaun. It’s the first step to take responsibility for what’s going wrong inside and a huge one to try and get the mind back in control rather than letting what’s known as a low level default mind from running the show. That beast bypasses executive function and retracts everything leaving you feeling lost, unable to make decisions, lose motivation and enthusiasm for everything you enjoy. I’ve done CBT, one on one support and mindfulness to counteract my failings. Even now it’s takes effort to motivate at times and it’s not something I share in blog world ordinarily. However, since it’s you then know you are not alone. Don’t let it win, if something feels like it’s too much of an effort then use every ounce of willpower to deny it. It’s hard, but once you start reacting to that inertia it does get easier each time. Recognising triggers is also valuable in that you can react before it washes over you. If you need a friend then throw me a message or two on Facebook. Just never give up on trying. It can be beaten and with support it’s much easier. Going it alone is so not the best way. I know you can do this my friend.

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    1. Thank you, Gary. Especially for the offer of a chat, and for sharing something you don’t normally.

      I couldn’t agree more about that inertia; it works both ways and, recently, I feel I’ve let it go the wrong way. It was becoming harder and harder to do anything, as I became more and more… reserved… stuck. But, hopefully, this is the first in a series of steps that only continue to keep my momentum.

      I’m having CBT myself, currently, which is helping somewhat. Mindfullness is something I used to practice frequently of my own accord; I don’t think it’s any wonder that as I’ve practised it less, I’ve felt worse.

      If anything, its opened my eyes further to the invisible demons we are all fighting. I find we often convince ourselves we are alone, but messages here, like this one from yourself, just show we can all help each other 🙂 Thank you, honestly.

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      1. Isolation is the biggest issue sometimes too. Self created often as the demons prefer it that way. Shunting people away, not wanting to see happy faces whilst yours is behind a charade. Once it starts unchecked it spirals inwards and often its goes entirely unnoticed until something triggers the mind and you find motivation plummet. Then it whips up anxiety, often panic attacks and self coping strategies that just avoid dealing with it. The earlier help is sought the better chance of escape. In my case it was long in coming and its much tougher to get out as I’ve normalised in the wrong zone. I got huge highs and equally big lows. These are not normal fluctuations about the “norm.” Its like being on the platform of life watching everyone get on the train leaving you behind.

        CBT does work for some people, but even then afterwards it takes conscious effort to keep it going. I did a mindfulness course on Future Learn and it really opened my eyes into how badly I was dwelling and overthinking. My CBT therapist got stuck too because she felt I’d shut down emotions as part of my coping response.

        Never be afraid to reach out and if you blog watch there are plenty of people here suffering too. Once you’ve been in the hole, you pick up the nuances far quicker. I often pop onto their blogs to comment too. Nobody needs to suffer alone, not in this day and age and as a person in recovery I feel showing that is damned important. Just take each day one at a time and do what CBT asks you to. Don’t skip or let inertia direct you. Use that mindfulness too. Its part of the same process.

        Reach out too if you need to. Offer still stands 🙂

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        1. Wow, Gary. So much of what you wrote in that first paragraph speaks to me; for instance I also have to deal with big highs (moments of real genuine passion and enthusiasm) followed by the real lows (isolation, etc). It’s amazing to hear that other people are on similar, albeit individual, journeys. We are certainly not alone.

          I can’t stress enough how wonderful and amazing your comments have been. It’s took me awhile to build up the momentum to come back to my blog each time (but I’m getting better…) but every time I have done your comments have blown me away.

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  8. I have missed you Shaun but now understand why you’ve been missing from the blogosphere. It takes courage to ask for help and I’m so glad you reached out to someone. All the best to you and just do what you can as you feel like it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here and you’re right, asking for help is the first step.

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  9. Wow, you have done a great step forward! And as you say, it required a lot of courage and strength – maybe the start is really the most difficult step. I feel that it is worthwile to fully focus on improvement and well-being, and set aside the usual activities if you notice that they would slow down the process.
    I wish you to make good progress and regain motivation soon!

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    1. Thank you, so much 🙂 I think you touch on a key point there “set aside the usual activities”. I feel like a few of us (myself included) harbour a kind of guilt, when we put off the usual activities, but really its sometimes necessary to make that progress in our health and well-being.

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    1. This is exactly what I used to do, but I feel I let myself snowball a bit… I’m the first to say my creativity is my therapy, but also the first to forget to actually follow that practice… I am hopefully back on it, and some short, sharp, blasts will be all the better 🙂

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  12. jasraj0's avatar awkward brown guy

    *So pleased* you reached out, & thank you for sharing. I was more stubborn – eventually went to see someone after my mum encouraged me. I also have a depression/anxiety diagnosis – never heard of MADD before, didn’t know this was a thing.

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    1. Mine was the support of my Fiancee, without her I think I’d have carried on the way I was! It’s nice that we have people that can encourage us and help us see the light we need to 🙂 Thank you for your comments!

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  13. Shaun there’s absolutely nothing wrong in asking for help in fact it’s a sign of courage and strength. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling and going through hard times. It’s good to reach out, so many of us battle silently when there’s no need. Write when you feel the urge and be kind to yourself, there’s no pressure here, only support. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Miriam 🙂 That’s what I’m trying to tell myself (and hopefully tell others who may be struggling for similar reasons!). Hopefully writing and being kinder to myself are about to be things that are more frequent 🙂

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  14. Thank you for sharing your personal story. Thank you for having the courage to ask for help. It’s NOT a sign of weakness but a sign of courage to face what you need to face head on. Writing is therapeutic to me too so I hope through your own writing, you continue to find the love and courage in your heart to conquer all that you need to and be your true self to express in your blog, in your vision and in your photos. But also allow yourself to take a break and just be yourself without any pressure. You owe it to no one. Be genuine and just be. Take good care and don’t give up.

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  15. (((Hugs))) Shaun. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time, but so glad you have been able to ask for help.
    Consider the blog a bit of extra therapy, where you can offload, and share any worries too. We’re all here for you!

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    1. Thank you, Ritu 🙂 I am so glad too! Haha.

      Thing is, my blog always was that bit of extra therapy, but then I started to even put that off too… Hopefully I can now come back and it can be the support I need once again 🙂

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