Sunday nights that you want her like velvet cake

Dunno how this'll work just yet. Might take this one down later, just cos, or something. Whatevs.

Hi! Welcome to my livejournal *confetti!* Yeah. Pretty boring here. So far it's just my rantings and such, but that may change one of these days; less ranting, more of something else that other people might be interested in. Who knows.


but yeah, the pic, that's livejournal-me. Well, until I can conquer photoshop, anyways. Captslow_show, at yer service. Arr. *snorts* Yeah, that's me. Sorry, attention span dwindling, my muse is pretending to be Bill Weasley right now, so I'z distracted. Later....

if I never see you again
I will always carry you
inside
outside

on my fingertips
and at brain edges

and in centers
centers
of what I am of
what remains.



I am clutching at the shards of my breaking heart, but each piece breaks into smaller and smaller pieces of glass and sand and my god I will never be the same. I have cried at least every third day for the past three weeks, and I never cry. I am breaking apart, yet I don't love him.


Do I?

He tagged along with me to the mall so I could pick up a textbook and get my ticket for Harry Potter tomorrow night, even though he had no real reason to come along. During the walk to the bus stop he was explaining and proving the side effects of starting up his medication again, though the only shift I could see to him was a weariness that seemed to settle just beneath his skin. The paths were pockmarked with rain puddles which he began to comment upon, and as he daintily tiptoed through a particularly large one like I would usually do, I felt compelled to leap through. He laughed, a simple laugh that for once wasn't accompanied by a footnote that would lead into something else for five more minutes. There was a brightness to it, a happy surprise, and as I write this believe that he hasn't laughed like that since he left home for here. Perhaps I reminded him of her.

The mall is a success, and we wait at the sheltered bus stop for our ride home. We seemed to have just missed it because we wait for a while, at which point my head flops against his shoulder and like always he quickly settles against me. After a spell he loops an arm around my waist and snares up my hands in each of his own, and once the bus finally arrives it continues there as well. By our final stretch of route he straightens, and as I follow suit he quickly settles in against me, head just below my shoulder and just above my heart. I reach for his hands and they're as freezing as mine had been earlier and so I knot them up within my own as dozens of little guilts creep around my ankles at the possibility of him falling ill. Two of my own hands barely surround one of his, but he laces his fingers between mine and gives a reassuring squeeze, I am alright. Somehow it surprises me; not the action, but that a word popped to mind like bumping into a friend in the midst of a crowd: love. I squeeze his hand back and all but bite my tongue to keep the word from leaping from my lips to fall upon his ears, because surely he doesn't want to hear that sort of nonsense, not whilst fighting a headache anyways.


My word, I should seriously just use all these random posts about him for my NaNoWriMo instead of the hogswash that I've been forcing out. I must have 30k's worth to say about him by now, surely... plus, it would emphasize upon the fact that I talk about him too damn much, so win-win.

Hurr, I have my own livejournal page too... don't need to spam up 2amtomorning alone-- this place is getting dusty. Copied and pasted because I am lazy and sooooo behind on NaNoWriMo word count DDD:

So, I feel rubbish for not having informed you all of this when it was all fresh in my mind, because by this point all of the trials and tribulations of the past few weeks have sort of fallen into the woodwork. This is a good thing, because things have quite honestly gone back to the way they were, or as close as they can without a time machine.

( Cut for possibly long length, and picture for all you curious folkCollapse )

I've been rolling my shoulders and shifting in my seat all day as if my skin is too tight and I need to shed it to fit into something new, something that fits perfectly and can accomodate this new me. I have every intention of finding a stone to rub against, to split the flesh and grow into a fresh pink coat. I will be laying my heart on the line, tearing my chest open and showing him all of my cards, because I can't function like this. Images have been popping into my head ever since he said he was with her, and they leave me winded, and I can't deal with that for much longer. To whatever higher power is listening, please let this go well. I am ready to shoulder the pain of confessing my feelings to him, but that can't be any worse than this feeling in my chest, like a balloon weighed down.

I will split my flesh, shed my skin to make room for this raw and brand new me. The only question is, will he wrap me up in him, or leave me in the cold?

Spent an hour sitting next to a guy who looked like Matt Smith. Probably for the best that I didn't talk to him...

But hey, I'm at college! It's very... wet, thus far. Been pissing with rain on and off, which is alright cos the campus is absolutely gorgeous. I'll probably take some pictures later cos I have nothing to do for the next seven hours *shudders* Also, I have no phone signal to speak of, and internet connection leaves much to be desired. Sigh. Let's see, what else... the one lightbulb in my room is incredibly dim so it feels as if I've been gaslighted, which is incredibly depressing. There was a guy trying to get into our set of rooms earlier but only because he thought it was his dorm rooms, so that was fun. Other than that... so far pretty dull. Really cross about the phone thing because I don't like walking around campus with my nose down like I'm purposely ignoring people. Sigh.

http://benedictcumberbatch.tumblr.com/post/998445719/likeajaguarinacello-thefearisfallingaway
http://blog.jmlynch.org/2010/02/13/pale-blue-dot/

I nicked this from Tumblr about half an hour ago, although the original article is from February. Here's the linked article:



It’s the twentieth anniversary of the famous “pale blue dot” photo – Earth as seen from Voyager 1 while on the edge of our solar system (approximately 3,762,136,324 miles from home). Sagan’s words are always worth remembering:

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar,’ every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.



If I was a braver person, I would shove this piece in the faces of so so many people in my life. No, soandso, I don't really care that thisotherperson is behaving like that. It's called a personality; we've all got one, and certainly many have thought of you what you think of soandso. That's what humanity is, a series of ups and downs viewed and shaped by the countless creatures that walk this earth. We can't go back and fix any of our ancestor's "mistakes", and even if we could we probably wouldn't; for all the bad things we've done in the past, they've shaped us into alright people. Sure, we probably didn't need all that effort into mastering and perfecting the arts of maiming and killing people, but perhaps without shooting ourselves in the foot we wouldn't have learned to save ourselves when we stub our toes along the riverbeds. I mean, yeah it sucks that we can't watch that show on our fancy big televisions because laws keep it across an ocean, and yeah it sucks that people forget how to drive in the rain. But when you ever take a moment, be it stopping and watching the clouds shift in the sky, or counting stars at dusk, or watching a piano-playing car enthusiast fly high enough into the Earth's atmosphere to see the curve of the planet, you realize that all those tiny little problems really don't matter. You become a kid again and wonder what else is out there, and hope that what you've contributed to your little blue dot in the solar system is enough to make it an okay place for the next ones to come along. You only live once, right? Make it worth your while.

Seriously, things are starting to get out of hand. Been fighting the urge to write fanfic (losing that battle; results should be up tomorrow or day after), and there's an inappropriate amount of inappropriate Inception related pictures and macros on my hard drive.
Example:



That one is tame. Trust me. I'd post/link the others, but they're pushing it. Aaand I digress from my point. Ish. Inception has taken me over, and finally slipped into my dreams. Huzzah D: Dreamt that Eames (Tom Hardy, pictured below) taught me how to box and entered me in a competition. I made it to third place or something before someone I'd defeated decided they needed to blackmail me out of the competition, which was very uncool because I was actually doing well and doing Eames proud. Sigh. Maybe I should figure out where that poker chip acutally belongs, because however much I'd like to imagine, Eames did not leave it on my kitchen table. Heh, I love how I insisted Arthur was my favorite character no less than five mintues after watching the movie, and yet Eames has already instated himself into at least three different stories and one (remembered) dream. Wtf indeed.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try and go to sleep without seriously considering throwing things at my neighbor's house. I'm all for cultural diversity and whatnot, but you will make nothing but enemies if you play and sing along to mariachi music until two in the goddamn morning. Ahem. Like I said, trying to resist....

Boredom and an hour-and-a-half case of insomnia is dreadful for one's hard drive, especially after an afternoon of Snow Patrol CDs going back and forth in relation to... important things (there sounds like there should be some fascinating story in there, but trust me, there isn't) Anyways, somehow I come up with the wise idea of searching up Gary Lightbody pictures on bing, because I realize I haven't attempted such before. Yadda yadda, I scroll through for as long as I can (a thousand entries, I believe) and towards the end I find this neat pic of Gary that I haven't seen before, and accompanying it is a very lenghty interview with him that begins with a description of his fidgeting habits. Me being the weirdo I am, I'm immediately interested.

Long story short, it was a glorious piece. I'm pretty sure no one will actually follow through and read the thing (it's very long, but if you do read it, you're a wonderful person) but it's the very end that made me post it here. Throughout the article, the interviewer asks Gary to define various words, words like 'fear' and 'success' and the like. The last word that's asked is 'happiness', and Gary describes this seemingly insignificant show in Switzerland that was in the pissing rain. It stopped raining for their set, and... oh screw it, I won't ruin the end for you. Read the article, really. It won't impact many people, I'm sure, but the last paragraph got tears prickling in the corners of my eyes, and ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I have a heart of stone. It's.... yeah, it's just Gary. It's plenty to be content with.

( I will hang on the hook of your splendor as the night rolls us up in its armsCollapse )

So we'll see how this goes, I suppose. Maybe more people will find this interesting, which would encourage a certain writer's muse to keep working on this blasted story *hides* because the next few chapters are my responsibility to write and I've been rebelling for ages But anyways, story!

(and if you're ready for the next chapter, go bother limpycsiwombat, cos she's got the next one!)

Title: Every Loss and Lie, Chapter 2
Fandom: Silvermere
Characters: Matt, Luke, Penny
Rating: probably R
Spoilers/Warnings: heavy swearing again. Violence if you count the throwing of a bag of peas.

( Chapter 2Collapse )