captain_pf

Grimm left last night. She is heading South. That being said, I realize how alone I really am. I just noticed I have no one other than Schu. I have no friends. I have no one I can talk to about my life. No one to turn to on a bad day. No one to tell how I feel when I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just having a bad day.
I mean, I have Schu, and he is definitely my best friend. He has been for a long time. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. He is the first person I think about telling anything. Except for things like this. Things that I'm upset about in my life in general. Things that don't have a solution.
I hate this feeling.
I would rather feel anything other than alone.

I've been here living with Schu for just over a month now.
Everything is going really well. :) I mean, I expected things to be complicated at first but it really isn't as bad as you would think. or, as bad as I would think..
We are balancing things well. We get along wonderfully as well.

The things that currently complicated and stressing me out: money, our roommate (we'll call her Grimm), job shit.

money: Things are ok. We're surviving no problem, except that the transmission went out on the truck and we don't have the money to fix it. So instead of having 3 people and 2 cars. We have 3 people and 1 car. Its stressful. But we're working on plans to get it fixed. We should have the money for it in a couple weeks. It's just stressful.

Grimm: She used to be my best friend. But now she just keeps stressing me out. She complains about everything. She bitches about Schu all the time for no goddamn reason. And she won't stop. Part of me wants her to leave. Part of me still likes her being around.

Job Shit: I'm just trying to get a better paying more 'respectable' job. It sucks.

The stress is definitely getting to me. I'll write more about it later.

Wish me luck!

I've been living with Schu since Thursday. It feels so wonderful to wake up next to him and to fall asleep next to him. I love him.
At the same time though, it doesn't feel like I'm living with him. It feels like some strange dream I'm going to wake up from and have to head home. It just doesn't feel real.
Once things are more real I'll post a good blog about how it's going and how I'm feeling.

I was watching breaking bad earlier, and in regards to a tattoo a girl said "no, that's way too big of a commitment."
I had one of those epiphanies you're always hearing about. I don't think things through. I think about them briefly and then just jump. I don't ever question them. If I decide that it's a good idea right off the bat then I'm in it for the long hall. Its crazy of me.
Both of my tattoos, all of my past failed relationships, everything.
Why don't I think things through? Why do I make so many mistakes?

The biggest question I'm asking myself right now is: Is this move a mistake?

In 11 days I'm moving to the East Coast to be with Schu. We have an amazing relationship. But at the same time, we do have some issues we need to work through and here we are jumping into a 'living together' relationship.
I love him. With every pure piece of me.
I hope everything goes smoothly but everyday I feel even more concerned about the what if's and wonder if I'm making the wrong decision.

Wish me luck.

There is so much, I think by starting to tell you would help you to understand why I love him so much..

The first time we ever spoke, I was working at a fast food restaurant. He came in with a couple of his friends. I already knew who he was since we had a few mutual friends but we hadn't ever spoken. I strangely noticed his pants weren't zipped. So, even weirder than that, I told him. He simply put up his Captain America hood and said 'Captain doesn't zip!' and walked away. I just stood there dumbfounded. I wasn't sure what to say after that.

A few weeks later was a bad day for me. I ended up showing up at a mutual friend's apartment at 3 in the morning bawling and they took me in and offered me booze. (which is what you should do if a crying girl ever shows up on your door step at 3 in the morning) I got way too drunk. Schu (as well as some help from Fin) took care of me. To explain to you how amazing he is, I threw up, and maybe might have pissed my pants a little bit.. *bright red face of embarrassment* Who else in the world is going to see me pee my pants and still manage to fall in love with me?

The next day, he took me to a shooting range. (We're both huge gun fans) He shot my 30-30. It was his first time shooting one. He still has the shell. :)

Over the next week or so, he took me to so many new places, we had so many adventures. Then we went our seperate ways. Him to the East Coast. Me to the West Coast.

After January I didn't see him again until September. In September we had more adventures and went to some new places. I loved it. I thought I loved him back in April when I posted that first blog about him. But in September I realized just how in love with him I was. He is amazing.

Oh, and one more thing.
The day before I left to come back home, I asked him about when he dropped me off. I asked 'What if I cry when you drop me off at the airport?' He said, 'If you cry, I'll punch you in the face and leave.'

As bad as that sounds, it made me so happy. I know he didn't mean it. He would NEVER put his hands on me. But it lightened the mood. I love that he can take any situation and make it better. He can make me smile or laugh anytime. He is always there for me.

I love him so much. He is amazing. :)

I plan to be moving 3,000 miles to be with Schu in about 5 weeks. I could not be any more excited about it! But, I have a few hesitations that are driving me crazy..
I always said there were 2 things I would never do in a relationship, 1. have a long distance relationship, and 2. date someone in the military.
Here I am, in a long distance relationship. Its easier than I thought it would be. But I don't like it. I wish it wasn't like this. But I guess he is just worth it to me. I love him more than I could explain to you.
He told me a few nights ago that he and his best friend, we'll call him Fin, plan to join the military. Reserves at first. For 2(ish) years. Then go active duty. For 4 or so years. This upset me deeply. I didn't say anything. I bit my tongue. But my mind went crazy, I'M MOVING 3,000 MILES TO BE WITH YOU!! FOR WHAT?!?! SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME?! AHHHUUGGGGHHH!!!!
I realize now that it isn't that big of a deal. I'm glad I bit my tongue. But at the same time, I wonder what he would have said in response..

I mean, I'll be moving just shy of 3,000 miles. My nearest family will be about 1,600 miles away. He is the only person I'll have out there. I won't know anyone. I don't want to just be left there.. But this stuff isn't for years. I'm sure everything is going to be ok. :) I love him. He loves me. He is wonderful. I know that no matter what happens he will make sure that I am taken care of and that I know how much I mean to him.

Wish me luck!

I feel as though my life is plagued by bad news. Death. Misfortune. Pain. Suffering. Things like that. In the year 2013 I've experienced 5 deaths thus far. The most recent of which was last night. Today, there was almost a 6th.
My brother, we'll call him Terrance, almost committed suicide. He got my mom's gun. Luckly, my mom came home just in time. He chickened out. He was just taken to a psych ward. They will be evaluating him and monitoring him for the next few days. I'm glad it didn't happen. I'm glad he is getting help. But I find myself in an extremely stressed out stage and I find myself sinking into a pit of despair. I'm worried for him and for the rest of my family. I'm worried about my little sister and how she is going to react. Remember, Pea is only 10. I'm worried about how it will effect her...

UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck stress.

I'm scared everyday of what the next day will bring. I'm afraid of what will happen in my relationship, my friendships, my family, just with my life in general. I'm so scared that it nearly cripples my ability to live in today. I also have found myself in a deep pit of emotion.
I'm constantly zoning out and falling into my thoughts. I find myself overcome with sadness and anger over nothing. I worry about everyone around me when in reality I need to take myself into consideration.
I've done some bad things in my past. Some things I'm really not proud of.
I've found myself considering doing some of those things again here lately. Not because I want to do them, to be that person again. But because I know how they make me feel and because I want that feeling. I want that power. I want that control of my life. I want to know the answers to questions before they are even thought. I want to be in charge in my life. I fear failure and I fear not being good enough. I just want things to get better and put an end to all of my questions and doubts. Wish me luck.

Have you ever stopped to think about how long you will live? I can tell you. The only true answer is you have no idea. There is no way for you to know. You will never know until that moment is upon you. You can think about it or fret about it. But you will not know until you have reached that moment. Instead, think about your choices. If your next moment was your last moment would you regret anything? Would your loved ones know you loved them? Would they remember your smile or laugh? Or would they remember your anger and unforgiving attitude?

I've kind of zenned out recently. I don't know what changed. I just started pondering these things recently.
As someone who has struggled with some serious anger issues, this is amazing.
I just realized its not worth it and it can be handled in such better ways. I want people to know I love them. I want their last memories of me (no matter when that might be) to be good ones. I want to be remembered as me, not my anger.

We all know that one person, you know, that one you never remember. Someone will bring them up. Then it takes like 5 minutes before you remember who they are, despite having been around them several times and having multiple conversations with them. It's not your fault. Maybe you aren't good with names, with faces, or just people in general.
Maybe you've noticed, some of those people seem to be hard to remember by most people. Maybe it really isn't your fault. Maybe they are just easily forgotten.

Do you know what that is like? To be easily forgotten is a tough thing. (I should know I have experienced it many times.)
Earlier this evening I was referred to as 'whats-her-face' by someone I thought I was at a friendship building level with. (And this isn't just a one time thing. He has done this before.) It was honest. He hadn't been drinking, we were at a Halo 4 lan party. He couldn't remember my name. He recognized me. But he couldn't place me. I have been to multiple parties at his house. I have held deep conversations about many things with him. He should remember me. He must be one of those bad-with-people types of people. Right? RIGHT?!
Probably not. I'm pretty sure its me. I'm one of those forsaken easily forgotten people. I rarely make a lasting impression on people. I mean, I suffer from extreme social anxiety. I tend to close down in front of people I don't know. Its kind of like severe shyness. I don't mean to. And obviously I shouldn't. But I can't help it. It just happens.

Lets discuss how that makes me feel.
I feel even more so like those conversations were worthless and I should just stop trying. I mean I'm not getting anywhere anyway. I try, it doesn't work, so what's the point again?