It’s better to start with the good things then the painful moments. One of the best things that happened in 2018 is that my littlest sister got married and I have only wished her one thing - that she be happy, and I can see that she is. And that brings me to my big thanksgiving, for the brother-in-law who is now part of the family officially! I’m happy enough that my two sisters are happily married and being loved by their hubs. That makes me immensely happy!
The 3 boys are growing up fast and I’m so proud that Lucius’ hard work paid off for him. At least, he now knows that good results are achievable, just that it takes a lot of hard work and discipline. Jedd has been growing to be more self-conscious and he has many habits that are rather interesting for a young boy. Once his clothes get wet, even a bit of a spill, he must change immediately, and so he changes very often in a day! Asher is just so lovable and adorable. He’s growing up fast and happens to be the most dreamy doe-eyed one among the 3 - quite like how the youngest of us 3 is also the most dreamy one haha.
Another big thanksgiving - Mum’s graduation, that now makes her the most learned among us all. She really worked her way up slowly all through the years. Without a diploma and now clutching a Masters to her title - she’s the embodiment of perseverance and endurance. She had a tough time at work and I hope that the culprit will someday make penance for their unkind behaviour. When you put yourself up on a pedestal and put others down, regardless of your title, you can be sure you will be taken down by someone else someday. There is always a higher mountain above you.
And to my beloved Lim family, thank you for still treating me as part of your family. It’s a privilege to join you at your gatherings. For the BFF, I am very thankful that we are still holding out despite everything that has happened. I hope next year will be better than the last 2 years combined, that we can charge on together into the new year and many more years ahead to come. May we always trust each other’s character and keep on believing the best in one another.
Thank You Jesus for being so patient with me, for loving me when I stopped loving you, for not failing when I failed you over and over again for don’t know how many thousand times this year. I know even in the new year I will still fail you but I hope not to fail too often, and at least get it right some times. God, You are amazing. Thank You for loving me. Thank you for giving me so many angels and so many good things. Help me to thank You and look to You instead of to people because Christ is enough for me.
I hope to be more conscious of my thoughts, to not put others down in my impatience, to love Jesus and people can see Jesus in my life, through my actions and words.
2018 has been an incredibly challenging year - I think looking back, I can see how God intervened to make me spend time with Him, planning for the retreat with the Navigators group, preparing the devotional material, planning for devotion and prayer for the trip to Cambodia, and planning for worship yet again with the Bible Study group. It all came in together without warning, but at the same time I felt that it was quite fake, like I was doing it to complete the task assigned to me. But yet I felt grateful in that one strange sense, grateful that God made it happen.
“Oh you said the exact same thing last year.”
These words jolted me when I was confiding in a sister about not being able to feel God but knowing He is present, that God exists because I know so, but not because I feel so. It’s true that one can read the Bible and memorise scripture but yet at the same time feel so distant from God, whom the words came from.
Right after she said it, our conversation had to stop. She did not mean anything but in that instant, I began to recollect when I had said the same words to her. If you’ve watched The Secret where Jay Chou plays this piano and things start rewinding physically as he goes back in time, that’s kind of what happened to me. I backed up over the last year and the previous year and I could see how the stress and pressure started mounting, I remember how I was unable to wind down at the end of 2017 and went head on into 2018 and I knew that over the last 2 years, I had been running on my own strength, on empty - I’d stopped going to God and drawing from Him for such a long time and perhaps why I don’t “feel” God.
In my last quarter of 2018, I think I began to see some light. Struggling to do everything assigned, there was far too many moments, where I felt this tightness inside of me and I wanted to stop and scream. I was constantly impatient, on the edge, and it’s easy for anybody to tell how I am feeling because I don’t hide my feelings very well. Perhaps instead of learning to control my behaviour, I should calibrate how I feel. It’s always easy to look back right, and so when I looked back, I realised there were so many times where it was just not necessary to even feel upset or impatient. A hard lesson I have to continually learn - the people around me is more important than the work I have to do, because the hurt I bring in my impatience cannot be undone later by an apology or any action that I hope can compensate.
Over the last 2 years, I’ve carried quite a number of regrets and felt like a huge let down in so many ways. I had many thoughts of how I am incompetent, slow, and not good enough, till I wondered that perhaps I’m not cut out for the work that I am doing. If I’m not contributing and someone else can do a better job than me, then I’m not the right fit. I wondered when does one persevere and when does one finally come to the true realisation that it isn’t a fit and leave because it is the right thing to do. I wasn’t sure until when I was in Cambodia, when I saw the kids and their families, who came to meet us with uncertainty and then left with bright smiles and loud laughs. When I heard two ladies recounting their pain, how they overcame their lowest moments and seeing how they are now, being able to laugh and live with hope. Seeing the children so happy at the safari brought tears to me and I knew then why I do what I do, because it’s worth it for them.
As 2019 comes in exactly 5 hours and 1 minute, I hope that amongst the many people offering their prayers, hopes and dreams for the new year, may my prayer and desire be heard by God - my wish for a new start, to love those whom I say I love, to be kind to the people around me, to be competent in my work, to look to Him whenever I feel stressed and pressured, to pray to Jesus and to love Him with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength. Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love and Your forgiveness for each time I fail You. Thank You for loving me.
Do we seek justice or do we seek vengeance?
Somehow, whenever we are wronged and we feel a strong sense of injustice, we tend to seek vengeance in the guise of justice.
Justice is a concept, a theory, a moral, a principle. It is the determinant of what is fair, what is right, in other words, it defines fairness and righteousness.
Vengeance is defined as a harmful action in response to a grievance.
"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord — Romans 12:19
Interestingly, justice has a positive connotation while vengeance is clearly negative in nature, because of the harm it desires. So why do we respond first to harm instead of fairness. And often too vengeance is something we decide to take into our own hands while justice may not be necessarily so. I think vengeance is primarily driven by pride while justice perhaps more of a somewhat misguided or inflated sense of righteousness where we believe in fairness in this immoral world and we seek validation in that process.
Justice requires a moral standard, but vengeance is a personal response to a grievance.
Why am I thinking all this? I was talking to someone who had been at the receiving end of much unfairness. It is true — there are many who will never see justice delivered in their lifetime for the injustices they have suffered.
To be clear, I do not believe in being a doormat and to remain quiet in suffering and victimisation in whatever form possible. But I do believe that the quest for justice, can be sought in a manner that is constructive and that does not blur into a thirst for vengeance. Justice may not come swiftly or even in our lifetime, but it should not stop us from correcting what is wrong, from standing up for what is right, and for believing that fairness will be met.
Do we not realise that in our pursuit for vengeance, we corrupt the moral standard of justice? Yet we justify our action and call it fair. It is true that when the guilty party is not ourselves, we scream for blood and justice, but when we are the guilty one, we cry and plead for mercy.
Perhaps if we stopped seeking vengeance, to right the wrong done to us, and started to seek justice without a malicious intent, then just maybe the world wouldn't so full of hatred. Compromises can be drawn, both sides can meet, and we can sleep at night with peace.
I felt angry during this conversation because I see the law that is meant to uphold justice, not quite carrying this role out fully. While a victim continues to suffer the consequence and misery of what they have endured, the offender remains right until otherwise proven. Yet the scales of fairness would have to deem all as righteous as a default position, until undoubtedly and unreservedly proven otherwise. We may think we are doing ourselves a favour when we retaliate and enjoy the affliction we are causing, but instead we have just reinforced a negative pattern of retaliation and soon we are caught in this cycle of vengeance that we don't even realise has started. And it's not making us any happier in any way or helping with conflict resolution. Neither have we done anything to further the grounds of justice.
My work to advocate for the rights of the exploited makes me so angry sometimes, but yet the Lord reminds me that He is righteousness and I have to trust Him to deliver the justice that many are denied of. It is hardly ever immediate, because many injustices are entrenched in the systems and principles that have been designed to uphold fairness.
Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. — Proverbs 10:12
Probably the only trait that trumps justice is love, but how difficult it is to understand that when our human emotion screams anger at injustice. The teachings of Jesus aren't easy to follow. And so I said this to my friend, "Isn't it harder not to retaliate? Doesn't it make you a better person than them?"
I hope that I too will be able to live this out in my life. It is always easier said than done, and I have my shortcomings where I have slipped and sought out vengeance, acting unjustly to another. We fail but God's grace is sufficient for us. Help me when I am weak God. Remind me of your righteousness that you have given unto me in spite of all the wrongs I have committed.
I couldn’t even get into a reflective mode in the last week of the year which is unusual. But I kept listening to the music and I finally found my song. The lyrics of my emo song is:
Slow down, take time
Breathe in, he said
He’ll reveal what’s to come
The thoughts in his mind, always higher than mine
He’ll reveal all to come
So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting
He’s in the waiting
And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing
He’s never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on
Do not forget his great faithfulness
He’ll finish all he’s begun
So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting
He’s in the waiting
And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing
He’s never failing
And you who hold the stars
Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me
That I will rise in your victory
Dear Jesus,
I didn’t really get to do this earlier. But here’s how I really felt when I look back on the last 365 days of 2017. It felt alone, but I guess that’s also because I didn’t commit to spend time with you, reading your word. The good thing about doing my bestnine is that it really made me stop and look back. There were indeed highs actually, like the Europe trip and seeing snow while not actually dressed and prepared for it so I was shivering to the bone but the cold didn’t stop us! Haha. I got to see one of my dream countries - Italy and ate antipastis every day! Every meal was just awesome and I got to drink limoncello just about anytime I wanted. In all truth, it started with a bang.
We had many family gatherings and played with the boys. Though sometimes I feel like I really become a kid and behave quite childishly with them, like doing the “don’t friend” you thing haha. All 3 boys are adorable, and I know that I love them and will protect them at all costs. Mom, Syl and Lu will always hold a special place in my heart no matter how far we are, how long we don’t see each other, and however many times we fall out. Because they are family. Just that, and that’s all that matters.
But somehow the sparks fizzled and the second half of the year on really became a drudgery. My dear buddy has been absolutely patient with me. “You are not easy to love.” was one of the hardest words to hear when I was at one of my most difficult over a couple of weeks. It’s probably an understatement though given that I spurned all her reaching out umpteen times. Yet she stuck on loving me despite my coldness.
And neither did you give up on me, God. Always putting people in my path to remind me, point me back to you. Bible Study was not easy because I felt that everyone was ahead of me in their understanding and interpretations. I take most things literally and just speak simply and for much of the year, I struggled to share my thoughts or my opinions about most things. The last bit of the year was a real stretch, and that felt like the runner’s moment where you just float along. I continued running, floating, not feeling my legs anymore, just passing on by each day until the next. Perhaps I ran with many rocks, much baggage from seriously I have no idea where. I was so disconnected for much of the time. If there was a hole that I could bury myself in, I might have stayed there for some months.
So when I really heard the words of this song, I felt like it pretty much sums up my 2017. And God, help me to continue trusting you even when I am chugging along on a long distance with no end in sight. Please lead me always in your way and to keep my hope on you as I persevere through until I see your promises surpassed in my life and that of my family and loved ones. Help me to find you in the waiting, in the soldiering, in the endless journey, in the flat plain, and in my most lonely moments.
Goodbye 2017, finally I’ve said what I want to about you.
- Current Music:Take Courage by Bethel & Kristene Dimarco
Welcoming my baby nephew Asher!! He’s becoming such a humpty dumpty.
Taking the brave step to apply for No Pay Leave and spending the time to volunteer for an organisation that helps women and children who are exploited.
Visiting the agency’s work in Cambodia with a group of folks from the church that contributed a portion of the seed money to start the work. God’s presence and peace was so evident and it was such an uplifting and refreshing trip.
Spending my birthday with the BFF who brought me to a delectable lunch intricately prepared by an amazing chef. I will never quite forget the oyster leaves. Every item was a delicious treat.
Started the year with a heavy heart filled with a great deal of uncertainty. The time at Phuket with daily devotions granted me peace to embark on a quest that I have never quite dared to entertain. I’ve learnt that God doesn’t give answers to my questions in the shouting loud voice, “YES!” or “NOT AT ALL!” Sometimes I think we do that so we can shift the responsibility to God when it fails, “God you brought me to it, why did you let it fail?” Rather, with the peace of mind, we step out and make a decision trusting that He will continue to lead me, and even if it fails, it’s alright. It was always a journey of learning. So there isn’t quite much of a “failure” cuz I learn to rely on Him. We spent morning to evening in the pool, taking our lunches and smoothies in the pool bar! I enjoyed that tremendously.
God’s favour poured in the office and I got a promotion. Finally got the peace of mind to apply for No Pay Leave and it was approved. Grateful for my wonderful bosses and team members and even the more distant colleagues. They made my time fun even though the work stretched me to no end. Playing with their kids in the evening as they picked them from childcare was also a daily highlight and de-stresser. You all rock!!
The second half started with a volunteer stint with Hagar where I would have to exercise a lesser used muscle. There was quite a lot of fear and uncertainty and yet I was eager and looking forward to July with much joy. It was a a battling rollercoaster of emotions.
First major project was the charity golf, which I did mostly administrative work. But oh my, the volume!! It was super intense those 2 weeks leading up to the actual event!!
Got to visit the work that Hagar does in Cambodia with the church. That trip was extremely uplifting and refreshed my spirit and desire to continue because God’s presence and peace was just so evident you simply couldn’t ignore it. And yet, the fears continued holding me back. I felt like my wings were being clipped.
Looking back now, through this time, all my fears were unfounded. What I was anxious about did not even come close to materialising. Rather, I enjoyed the time spent labouring in joy. I know that I held on to a spirit of joy and excellence. So, God has once again proven Himself - as long as I carry a spirit to glorify God, He will make things work out somehow.
One of the more direct “payback” from this volunteer stint was that I get to meet the women who are actually here in Singapore. Hearing their stories and the atrocities that they encountered fuelled my desire to do more for them and I continued doing more and more.
Saved the BFF in the wave pool when I pulled her up from under the water. It's like a Spirit-led moment where my radar was on full alert when I saw her go under and my instincts kicked in when she didn't come up for a very long time. Thankful for the love and acceptance from the BFF’s family. Always most concerned about the children and I’m glad that they’re comfortable with me too. Time spent playing Bohnanza, Cluedo (in mandarin!!) and Monopoly Deal is quite hilarious. Especially with the add ons like Ji Tui, Cottonbud, BC, Ai Kwun and Ye Ai Kwun. Hahahahaha!!
And of cuz, the best for the last. Am very grateful for my family who is always supportive of my decisions and encouraging me to do what my heart’s desire is. Mom and my sisters - Lu and Syl and Eric with the 3 kiddos, thankful to God for each of you. Lucius and Jedd are absolutely adorable. Lucius is so shy and always expresses his love in not-so-direct ways while Jedd is smothering you with kisses. They are so different but yet equally lovable.
Thank you Jesus for 2016 and reminding me that it wasn’t all that bad, that there was much laughter and joy and many memorable moments. There’s more but this is all I decided to write. For what has happened, thank you for being faithful and for sustaining us. I’m looking forward to 2017 with a lot less fear as I place my hope in you, trusting you for what is to come.
Everybody deserves the right to hold on to their dignity and treated with respect. Just because someone has a need should not be an opportunity for another person to exploit them and resort to trickery to deceive them just to meet that need. Civil society needs to do more to uncover these deceptions and to help people who do not have access to opportunities. Nobody should have a price tag; nobody should be put up for sale to another person; nobody deserves to ever be sold.
I hope that my efforts to reach out and raise funds and to increase people's understanding and awareness of this grim situation will be effective and will return tangible results. I can feel the sense of urgency that is required to meet the needs of the recovery and restoration efforts.
FULL POST BELOW
I want to salute the folks who work tirelessly to serve others and to meet the needs of people who have suffered some of the worst forms of trauma and abuse. To our colleagues providing that direct work, it must not be easy on you to have to keep comforting some of them who can’t seem to walk out of their darkness because of the intensity of the damage, and yet choosing to believe in them and hoping that they can walk out into the light and emerge victorious over their past. To those who labour hours on end to figure out a strategy, a plan, an approach, to be more effective, to understand the challenges and ways to tackle it, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for dedicating your time and sweat. To those who dig deep into their pockets and pour financially into the work, your contribution is equally important because without those resources, we wouldn’t be able to provide training, manpower, facilities, and the human resources that help these survivors recover and regain their dignity and hope. Thank you and click here to find out how you can help.
http://www.hagar.org.sg
Hagar is a Christian humanitarian agency with a mission to help women and children who have suffered some of the most extreme forms of human abuses. Hagar welcomes the toughest of conditions and is committed to walking the whole journey with these survivors and will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to restore broken lives to wholeness so that they can hope again and live life in all its fullness.
Over the last 4 days, I joined a group of donors who visited Phnom Penh, Cambodia to see firsthand the work that is done by our staff and colleagues from Hagar Cambodia. The group consisted of jolly folks who were very nice and kind people with a heart to find out how they can help. Some knew about Hagar’s work and some had no prior knowledge but everyone came with an open mind. The youngest of the group was 3 years old and he would bring much joy and cheer with his endearing expressions of affection.
Some of our colleagues brought us out for our first meal in Phnom Penh and we tasted a local delight called Amok. It was pretty tasty and the fried frog legs were yummy too. The next morning we made our way to the main office and were given an overview of Cambodia and the work of Hagar. Lunch was at Hagar Catering, a restaurant which provides an excellent job opportunity for individuals who want to develop a career in F&B. Many of Hagar’s beneficiaries are trained here and go on to find jobs in the industry in places nearer to their communities and homes.
After lunch, we were headed for the Catchup Learning Centre (CLC) and the House of Smiles where the Economic Empowerment programmes were happening. Individuals would receive career guidance and counselling and undergo training before Hagar works with companies to seek job placements and then see them through the transition into their new job. The group had agreed to pool funds to buy the children at the CLC some items to play with and for creative arts. We brought hula hoops, balls, paints, glitter, paper and were hoping to catch the children after school, but we were late and saw a handful of them who stayed back to play with their friends. Among them was Nita whom Hagar has been assisting and we got a chance to say hi to her. She was clearly the leader of the group, active and was playing zeropoint with her friends. She was really good, able to reach the high lines. She recognised us and we exchanged a few words before we left.
The next morning we heard from the legal team who gave us an overview of the criminal justice system and the judicial processing. The things we take no notice of matter so much to the person who is giving their statement in court, much less a person who had suffered so much trauma at the hands of the offender and even more so for a child who does not know what their rights are, for a simple need such as going to the toilet. They had also developed a legal resource toolkit with child-friendly materials so that the children are not intimidated at the thought of entering the court and being questioned by the prosecutor.
We had lunch at Joma Cafe, a Hagar social enterprise that provided job placements and training in the F&B industry. The servicestaff were attentive and there was a nice and tranquil ambience in the cafe. We would be travelling out of the city to meet a foster family in the next leg of the schedule. There we met a 17-year old girl who was being cared for by this family who would look after her and love her until she is ready to return to her family. I struck up a simple conversation with her and she showed me the chickens and ducks they rear. She enjoys hiphop dancing and was able to whip up simple dishes for the family. Her favourite colour is green and she cycles to school and has 14 friends whom she surrounds herself with in school. She was shy and would look away each time she shared something about herself. I was inquisitive to find out more about her but she would flash a wide grin and shake her head shyly. I get the feeling she will open up to people if she is more comfortable but we were strangers whom she only knew for a couple of minutes.
After the 2 days of visiting and hearing from the staff in Cambodia, I learnt more about the work that we do and the challenges that we face. It really isn’t easy to decide whether or not to leave the child with the family or to remove the child from the family so as to help her recover from the trauma and then deciding whether the family is suitable to continue caring for the child and when is a good time for the child and family to reunite. This is especially so when the perpetrator is family or the family simply doesn’t have the resources to care for the child and meet their needs. There is no easy decision and the journey is a hard one to tread. Each client is unique and all their needs are different and yet every individual has the right to their dignity and deserves to be respected. Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean they should be exploited just to meet that need. As a society we should be helping them fend for themselves and give them the opportunity to do so, not resorting to trickery and exploit them or deceive them into selling themselves or their children just so they can get by in life.
We had 1 more day to meet our colleagues in Phnom Penh and to discuss the plans going forward and how collaboration can be improved. The discussions helped me to understand what would be my areas of priority as I would be volunteering my time and services for the next 6 months on a full-time basis. The challenges also ignited a desire in me to tell more people about the work and present them with the opportunity to partner and rebuild lives, both in direct and indirect ways.
I believe that Jesus is pleased with the work we do in helping the exploited recover, speaking up for those whose voices go unheard, seeking justice for those who have been abused, giving out of our finite resources and staying committed to seeing their recovery. Isaiah charges us to “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” For all who contribute in their own way to such a cause, Jesus is proud of you and will honour your contribution and bless you with plenty. I put my faith in God for the 6-month volunteer stint, believing that He will provide for all my needs as I choose to serve Him and His people first and continue to keep his command to love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbour as myself.
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
#thewholejourney #hagarsingapore #hagar
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Thanks for the tips! :)
I'm sticking with iPhone 4 and see how they…
BTW tan, do you know how I can transfer purchased music/apps from iPhone to Samsung? :(