It's been a year, give or take some weeks, since Sage died, and there's not a week that goes by that I don't miss him.  I haven't been at my parents' house enough to remember in my muscle memory that he's not there.  I expect his shriek every time I open the door and the alarm chimes, and every time I set the alarm.  I hear phantom chirps and chuffs and remember it's the AC, or something outside, but it's not Sagey.

Yesterday I went back out into the arroyo to look for the stone under which I'd like to bury Sage and Sasha, if my mom is ok with it.  Sage never went there with me, except maybe once in a travel cage, but Sasha and I used to sit out there and watch the sunset sometimes.  I think it's a nice place for them.

I just want another parrot so bad, but I can't have one where I am now.  And I have the two cats.  But there's just… I guess you don't get used to being without something you had for ten years very quickly, especially when you lose it suddenly and unexpectedly.  It just still makes me so sad.

My counselor suggested that when I came home over break, I might run into some challenges regarding what we've worked on-- which is mostly me controlling the decisions I make and making the best one given the situation, and which I can live with later.

She was not wrong.

I don't know what's wrong with my friends.  I think the group I thought was so close-knit we'd all stay friends forever, that I marveled never argued and always got along and was so perfectly balanced is actually an illusion (as I probably should have realized, but I am not wise).  And they're all wonderful and lovely people and I love all of them but there are some wildly incompatible personalities.  Maybe this is a recent happening, or maybe this was latent and we just had a really long "honeymoon period".  But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's coming to a crisis point.  Seeing this coming, I sat down and talked to a friend who doesn't know any of them, and decided that I have a limited number of choices.  This is something the counselor taught me to do the first couple times I saw her, and helped me practice the times after that.

Choice: I can try to do something.
Result: It might not work, I might end up in the middle of multiple arguments, and I might lose friends.  100% chance I will have multiple episodes of tears and stress so severe I can only barely cope.

Choice: I can do nothing.
Result: I won't end up in the middle of everything.  The group will sort itself out, or it won't.  100% chance I will still cry, less of a chance that it'll happen over and over and lead to things I can't deal with.  I will probably keep all my friends.  They may not get along, but I will have them.  Some small subset will still get along, I'm sure.
    Subchoice: I treat all of them with equal care and respect, I speak to none of them about each other.  I refuse to play messenger owl, I refuse to explain or make excuses for actions, I refuse to offer opinions regarding behavior or anything else
    Result: Someone might get pissed that I am acting like Switzerland, but I don't have much sympathy if they do because I have my own mental health to think about, too.  I accept that none of my friends are perfect by witnessing them at what will probably be their worst, and assuming they aren't really heinous, figure I love them anyway, and besides, they love me, and I'm just a fucked up mess of a human being a lot of the time.  We're all a little fucked up, and that's ok, because we're human.  We all have flaws.
    Subchoice: There really isn't another reasonable option, here.

I took a few deep breaths, after articulating this to my friend, and decided the second one.  It'll be hard, because I always like to fix problems, and I just want them all to be ok, but they may just not all get along.  That's something they have to decide themselves, and I'll be there for them while they do it, but I'm not going to point anyone in any direction.  I /might/ give someone very careful advice /if/ they ask for it and I can tell they're really at a loss, or really upset.  Or I might just tell them I'm not sure what to do and digitally hold their hand and tell them we'll all be okay.

And we will.  We'll all be fine.  This happens.  It sucks, I hate it, but it happens.

Now I just need to practice the part where I don't blame myself for it.

My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped flying today.

I might be able to talk about this at some point, but right now I need to keep it short.  I'm already crying, and I can't really see what I'm typing.

Sage, my 9-year-old green cheek conure, died this morning sometime before my roommate, who is house sitting while I'm away, uncovered him.  He was fine last night.  He was at the bottom of his cage this morning.  I'll bury him when I get home.



Sage Holly Rottler
June 4, 2004- August 12, 2013

I love you, buddy.  Rest in peace.

I'm doing this on tumblr, but I'm going to try to remember to cross-post them here.  Because really, who doesn't need flowers (and it's totally relevant to my life, and what else is LJ for?)

Please let me know if the lack of cut makes you terribly unhappy.  The pictures aren't large or anything, but I can cut them if need be, I don't want to mess up anyone's LJ experience!
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Scarlet Gilia (Ipomopsis aggregata ssp. aggregata)

Phlox family

Scarlet Gilia is also known as Skyrocket or White Fairy Trumpet, so named for its shape and color (Skyrocket is more orange, White Fairy Trumpet is... well, white).  This flower is native to Wyoming and much of the western US, where it is found on dry, mountainous hillsides or in open pine forests.  It is very drought tolerant, but very shade intolerant.  The flowers occur on a single stalk, and they can grow anywhere from 1-3ft. tall, average, although some plants grow up to 5ft (the one in the photo was only about 1ft. tall).  The flowers are odorless unless crushed, and are occasionally called honeysuckle for the nectar that can be retrieved from the bottom of the flower when it is picked.  Hummingbirds and hawk moths both feed on this nectar, helping to pollinate the plants (they are incapable of selfing, or self-pollinating).

When crushed, the pinnately compound leaves smell like a displeased skunk, but they have still been used medicinally for blood diseases.  Other parts of the plant are also used medicinally: the whole plant is also used for blood diseases, and can be crushed and used in a poultice on joints suffering from rheumatism.  The roots have been used as both a laxative and to treat colds and high fevers.  A decoction of the entire plant can also be used as a disinfectant wash.

A study at the University of Illinois uses Scarlet Gilia to study the phenomenon of overcompensation, where certain plants actually appear to benefit from direct herbivory (as in Scarlet Gilia).

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This should go without saying, but consult someone who knows what they are talking about before you ingest any part of any wild plant.

Sources:

Utah State University's page on Scarlet Gilia

Overcompensation in Scarlet Gilia

USDA NRCS PLANTS Database Page

Top picture by yours truly.

Bottom two pictures from here and here.

First of all, and mostly why I am doing this- Mis!  I got your card, and it's lovely!  Thank you so much.  You draw the prettiest cards, even my mom thinks so.  I should have told you back when I received it, and I'm sorry, but I did get it!

Second, I'm skipping talking about Christmas.

Third, kids, don't get kicked by horses.  It bloody HURTS.  At least nothing is broken.  But ow.  Ow, Ow, Ow.

Fourth, er... Sage is a dude.  Yeah, my bird who I've been calling a girl for 7 years is actually a male.  Oh well!  At least Sage is sort of gender neutral, right?  And thank goodness I don't have to worry about eggs.

I have nothing else even remotely interesting to talk about!

Hey all!

I don't know if any of y'all have ever been interested, but right now Kiva is doing free trial microloans.  Essentially, you get to choose someone to loan $25 to, and Kiva donates the fund to do that, rather than you having to pay for it.  If it makes you happy, after that $25 gets paid back, you can finance another loan with your own $25, or you can choose not to- there's no obligation to loan your own money after the $25 Kiva loans out to whichever group you choose.  I've been on Kiva for... years now, I think, because I feel like it's a great way to help folks out in places where a lot of help is needed.  What's really cool is if you do use your own money, you can either choose to take it back or reloan it as it's paid back to you.  I think of all the loans I've given, I've only not been paid back on time by one, and they're still paying it back, it's just taking longer than they were supposed to get.  You don't make interest of course- that's not the point.  The point is you get to help someone and generally, you eventually get the money back.

Anyway, I have invites for this thing if you're interested.  They're only doing a limited number of the free ones, but if you do it sooner rather than later I'd assume they still have some left.

Link here!
http://kiva.org/invitedby/caitydid

Hey guuuuys, do any of you know...  If I redo my paid account, do I have to reupload all my userpics and stuff?  Or does it keep them for a certain time after my account expires?  I know I didn't use them much, but I really, really liked having the option and I'd like to start using my journal more!  I have an idea of keeping a journal of stuff I see around my University that is interesting (like birds or the little kids who were having fun at the duckpond).

I was born under rabbit, and quite frankly it's almost my polar opposite, as far as signs go.  I don't /really/ match any of them very well at all!  I'm like a squashed up mix of 2 or 3 of them.  I remember when I was younger, though, that I thought rabbit matched with me pretty well.  I've gotten more stubborn and quick-tempered since then.  :P

Haha, I was just having this conversation after watching one too many documentaries on the Science channel last night!  I reckon they'd regard us much like we'd regard them- with a wide range of reactions, not all of them positive or negative.  I don't figure they'd come raining hell on the planet- that particularly pervasive viewpoint seems kind of silly to me.  Even if you think that's all humans do, why project human motivations on an extra-terrestrial life form?  Kind of human centric, don't you think?

If an alien ship landed in my backyard I would definitely run out to go meet them.  But I wouldn't take a bundt cake, because God knows I could never cook one.  I'd take them cookies and milk!  CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies and milk, even.