I need to sing.

I need to SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!

I'm doing fairly well in school right now.

I'm single, now- again. which....I'm actually really okay with.

I've always been content being single. I mean, I want children and a family, but right now,
I really just enjoy the time I'm having with friends. And I really dont have the time rignt now for a romantic relationship, if I'm honest.

I'm learning how to cope with life in and stay joyful despite circumstances.

pray for Nadine, and baby Aria. and my brother- her father- Micheal.

 

Come and let us return to the Lord;

for He was torn, but He will heal us;
He was stricken, but he will bind us up.

After two days He will revive us;

On the third day He will raise us up, That we may live in His sight.

Let us know.
Let us persue the knowledge of the Lord.

His going forth is established as the morning;

He will come to us like the rain,

Like the latter and the former rain to the earth.


Hosea 6:1-3


....I love how the story of redemption has been told to us before christ even came onto the earthly scene.

He was telling us what he would do for us  since the beginning. before Jesus, or even Roman rule; the scene for redemption was being set even in the humble story of a prophet of God taking a harlot as a wife- and its parallelism to the children of Isreal. Modern day christianity doesn't find this necessarily valuable.

I find this scripture and astounding reassurance of what God wants for me.

When Jesus died on the cross for our sins- we died with him; when he rose on the third day- we rose again as new creations, conquerors of death, given new life, and new purpose. The new testament talks about this all the time- Paul talks about it the most- there's entire chapters and books devoted to telling us what New Life looks like and what it means.

but this context says something different to me. its  more personal, and real.


Hosea is a book about this prophet who has been asked to take a harlot as a wife- a shameful, embarrassing thing for a man of his day- but God asked him to do it, so he did. The woman took other lovers and wore their gifts flauntingly- Hosea over and over again would win her back, and forgive her, and again and again she'd go back to those other men. In this way, Hosea's life illustrated what Isreal did to God- a harlot, seeking other lovers. But this chapter 6 says somethind different. Its a call to repentance, yes, but also a something entirely different- a promise. a statement.


He will heal her. he will bind her wounds. He will give her new life, his going forth is as the morning (*LIGHT!!!*), and he will come like the rain.

a harlot no longer.
 a deep rooted knowledge that we MEAN something  to HIM. That when he comes "like the rain"- everything has been honestly, sincerely, fully WASHED from us.

and it says right here.... purpose of this cleansing wasn't simply to be clean.

It was so that he could look on us. stripped of the taudry trinkets of a faithless love, he could look at just us.

just the face of the beauty he created.

and smile.

and say.....

My Bride. :)

its very strange that someone might think I am beautiful.

I mean, I tell people all day at the store I work at that they are beautiful and that they really need to look in the mirror, and get that, but when someone says "you're beautiful"

automatically, I don't trust it.


someone recently said that to me, and my immediate reaction was "he hasn't seen me enough" or "he'll change his mind" and then I go from that reason to "he must want something from me." I was waiting for the punchline, the whole time. I feel like the word  "Beautiful" puts an expectation on me- and that I'm not going to live up to it. that the next time that person sees me , they will look at me, and be disappointed that I'm not as beautiful or as wonderful a person as they remember- like that cookie you had when you were really hungry for the first time...when you tried it again, it just wasn't as good.

I'm afraid I might be too much. I'll be too loud, my jokes will be to obnoxious.I'll be too dorky. I'll be too sarcastic. Or I'm afraid I won't be enough. Not enough beauty. Not enough patience.not enough Strength. Not enough grace.

I think it might be- at the root of it.....that I somehow feel like all the appeal I have is outward...and that once you get past that outward appeal- that's what's in my heart won't be compelling. that is might be REpelling.

so its always been easier to ignore the idea that someone might think of me as an attractive woman, as desirable, as worthy- and focus on the idea that I'm a fun personality that people like to hang out with- and that I can enjoy the people around me without allowing to think of ANYONE who comes into my line of sight with any kind of romantic speculation whatsoever.

see- there is no real heart-risk involved in that. I don't take the risk of liking someone- and in my mind- they don't take the risk of liking me.

and then someone calls me "beautiful"- and muddles that all up.


so....in essence, what it all boils down to is.........I'm basically AFRAID.

Of the word BEAUTIFUL.

isn't that funny?


okay........I'm done.

Merry Christmas.

Okay....

so maybe, somedays...

I am a little dramatic.

There are days I feel like running-screaming down the street, shaking my fists and crying.

I look at every window and I want to shatter it- every door, I want to break it down with an axe, bust through it like its not even there.

I want to jump into icy water, and let numbness take over.

I want to be apathetic to everything and everyone- even my own heart.

I to shout until my throat bleeds, and fall to the ground and not get up.

why am I still breathing? whats the point?


...this is one of those days.

I laced a man into a corset at work on thursday.

I insisted he put on his pants before I came into the dressing room.


....and while I was lacing him into the corset, I was definitely praying for him.


Man, seriously? My job gives some prime opportunities for prayer.

If Eric Whitacre wasn't already married to his beautiful Hebrew/Soprano Muse, I would totally make a pass at him.

Seriously? who wouldn't want to married a genius?

No, but really, I'm totally going to marry Brahms one day. I don't care if he's dead or not. I'm officially announcing our engagement.


....although right now, I'm listening to Whitacre right now. Does that count as adultery?

LOL. Oh my goodness, I feel like my ears are so happy they might flutter off the sides of my head, like too fleshy butterflies.


I started looking for The Five Hebrew Love songs solo arrangement for Shelly's wedding (*Which, btw, I don't think they've actually released it yet, because its not showing up anywhere*) and I just got caught up in whitacre would.

I think I need to go back and spend time with my future spouse. Brahms-ie poo is FAB, but I'm to wonder exactly WHICH musical genius would mostly efficiently help me produce musical genius babies so I can start my own  chamber choir. and seeing as how Whitacre is just PWNING  choir music....although Brahms PWNS like...alot of everything else.....

LOL. I love how some people say when they want lots of kids that "they're trying for a baseball team".

...and I say "I'm trying for a choir"

okay. I'm a dork.


...or maybe  I should marry Britten. -no, wasn't he gay? Wolf? no- he was batty- ran screaming down the street "I am Mahler!".....Berlioz was a big jerk-face/player (*but insanely talented!*).......Schubert was a pansy(*but a really HOT one!*).....



LOL. maybe i need to just NOT marry a musician. I swoon far too easily at the "humblest stroke of The Bard's pen."

maybe  I should marry an accountant. Or...a lawyer.


-for now, I'm still engaged to Brahms.:) (*Maybe because  he's still eternally devoted to Clara Schumman? the unattainable seem to be my constant. LOL.*)


 I need to go to bed.

Why do emotions suck so much?

why does work have to be so much....WORK?

why can't it be something resembling FUN? or even INTERESTING?


why do I have to bite and scratch and claw my way out of my own head to get work done?

I emotionally exhausted from fighting myself- so much so that I can't even face the reality of the choice I've made.

I'm constantly....distracted.

It's like I've programmed myself to quit before I've even begun.

ugh. you know what?Its not even that I don't like my job. I've just worked too many hours in a row, and now my brain is like overly scrambled eggs that even a little kid would pass over. and now I have home work.

home. work.

UGH.

this just...sucks.

emotions suck.


on a sidenote (*distracted much?*)

-the word "suck" is one of the most satisfying words to say outloud. with lots of sibilance, and a biting consonant at the end.....

Its awesome. its got just the right amount of everything- for getting my frustration in my mouth, wear I can chew on it, and spit it out.


SUUUUUCK.



...suck. this sucks.

(*checks again*)
yep. THIS STILL SUCKS.

okay. I feel better now.

(*goes to do homework*)

I'm singing this aria this semester. LOVE it. makes me want to weep, because of what happens to Susannah after it. It's GEORGEOUS though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk9JV3gpwvc

Renee actually takes a lot of liberties with the rhythms, but hey...she's Renee Fleming. and she's SOOO emotive.

I want to connect to people in that way when I sing.

LISTEN TO THIS PLAYLIST. seriously.

Well....if you have a time constraint, you can just listen to some of it (*admittedly there are a few songs on here I'm not completely enamored w/ but all the good ones are on here!*)

http://www.imeem.com/ninafarishadren/playlist/uAgzZn65/spring_waltz_music_playlist/

 One of my fav korean songs is "One Love" - by Loveholic. its totally the cutest.
but mostly the reason I love this soundtrack is because I love basically anything Yiruma (* all the piano, instrumental,  and amazing*)
Why? because listening to Yiruma is like the taste of chocolate, and your own tears. its like a moment when you're being held by someone who is feeling the exact replica of the emotion you're currently feeling. the reassurance, and insecurity of that vulnerable meeting of kindred hearts....

that's Yiruma. he sensitive to the fragility and depth of human emotion. ...or at least his music is.

I love Yiruma. ;)

Now...go listen. You can put it on like you're doing homework,like I do.
STREAMINGMUSICONLINEISMYFAV.

#1 most hated thing to do in the world....


MOVE FURNITURE. or...really...any of my things.

ugh.

LOL. All my Islamic ladies in the house say...heck yeah!


America...meet the "burqini".

http://modestswimsuits.co.uk/product/Modest_Fit_MFP20_2177_NavyAqua_Burqini_3_Flowers_3XL_Modest_Swimsuit

...then came juan diego florez. one of few operatic  high tenors I can actually...enjoy!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89884693

(*look on the left for the donizetti aria that he encored that the Met (*the first encore done there in 14 yrs!*)

I. have. Hope.

Regina Spektor is cool

I really want to eat icecream right now.

I want to practice too.


my one of my roommates is moving in tomorrow. I'm a smidge freaked out. living with someone new is really scary sometimes.

think about how freaked out I am, makes me want to eat icecream even more.
ben and jerry's phish food.


I'm glad publix isn't open.

I can't believe I honestly, really, truly question everything in my life...on like...a daily basis.

I can't sleep, because my brain won't stop assessing everything that has gone one today- and its not like there was a whole buttload of stuff, you know?

I need a tranquilizer- or ...a lobotomy.

brains suck. they don't do anything but just sit there and think, and stress you out.

this song is seriously awesome. I think I only like this version though- its sung by Alex from the internationally loved group Clazziquai. totally awesome stuff. you need to check it out. and love it. they sing in english too.

Translations and romanization.(*incase you feel the need to sing along in butcher Korean. like I do :)*)
by Loveholic (*originally, it was written by a woman for a man. but Alex just...SOUNDs better singing it. so...I dont care*)

Hwa Bun
Flower Pot

Meol li seo meol li seo meol li seo geu dae ga o ne yo
He is approaching, from a far far far distance,
I ddeol li neun ma eumeul eo ddeoh ke malae ya ha na yo
How am I to express my shaking heart?
Keu daen
He...

Cheo eum bu teo na ui ma eumeul bbae eod go
Stole my heart from the very start,
Na eul su eobd neun byeong eul nae ge ju eodd jyo
And gave me an illness that I cannot recover from. 
Hwa buni doel lae yo
I want to become a flower pot,
Na neun neul ki do ha jyo
I pray all the time.

Nan geu dae jageun chang ga e
I want to become a flower pot,
Hwa buni doel gge yo
That stands on his small window sill.
A mu mal modhae do pa lal su eobseo do
Even if I won't be able to say a word, or expect anything,
Ka ggeum keu dae ui mi so wa son gileul padeu myeo
From time to time, I'll receive his smile and caresses,
Jam deun keu dae eol gul han eobshi bul su idd gedd jyo
And just watch his face as he sleeps. 


Meol li do meol li do meol li do
He's leaving,
Keu dae ga ga ne yo
Very far far far away.
Ddeoleo ji neun nun muleul eo ddeoh ke
How am I supposed to soothe,

Dal lae ya ha na yo
These falling tears?
Keu daen
He... 

(*sobs*).....Alex sings this for Shin Ae on "We got married" just as hes about to tell her he's leaving the show- but he asks he to wait for him!. everyone was crying. it was totally adorable.

/endspazzydramafreakmoment.