X (2022, dir. Ti West)

I was so looking forward to Ti West’s X, a film it seemed I would surely instinctually respond to: a gritty ‘70s horror throwback about a group of amateur pornographers being terrorized on a rural Texas homestead. The trailer was excellent, the look and feel exactly the vibe I was hoping for when I read the synopsis. Director Ti West impressed me before with another throwback picture: his gorgeous and terrifying slow burn occult horror, The House of the Devil (2009). This one I was sure was a shoo-in for one of my favorites this year, and for the first half hour or so I was loving it.

Then the "horror" elements were introduced. I was not horrified. I was not frightened once during this movie. I loved the look, the sex was hot as fuck, a lot of the comic moments were working, the acting was mostly damn good (Mia Goth, Brittany Snow & Jenna Ortega are all wonderful in this movie), and the setup is just so damn great, and really an inspired idea for this type of homage/pastiche experience. I was ready for a sick, nasty, sexy, innovative-yet-nostalgic horror film. I got some of the sick and some of the nasty, and plenty of sexy (and some good laughs in the first half). But I wasn’t scared, and that really sucks.

It didn’t frighten me I think because the "secret" of the central "mystery" (it’s not only a lame gimmick, but a failed one, the symbolism therein heavy as a honey baked ham) is too glaringly obvious. For me, once the film approached its halfway point, it also threw itself completely back onto the rails. The predictability factor is way too high once the blood starts flowing. Add to that some very awkward and horribly misjudged scenes (the split-screen Brittany Snow Fleetwood Mac cover/older woman lamenting her age bit, and the post-murder interpretive dance in front of the blood-soaked van lights - an awesome image nonetheless) which attempt to achieve an emotional connection between the audience and the main villain. It’s clumsy and goofy as hell.

The main problem here, though - and it was a big one for me - is that the homicidally horny (or would it be hornily homicidal?) old woman is obviously Mia Goth in makeup doing an almost-as-bad-as-Winona-in-Edward Scissorhands old lady voice.

This was a big nope from me.

Why an age-appropriate actress wasn’t cast I have no idea. It does nothing for the film to have Mia Goth all made up and pretending to be old. It killed the horror element for me completely, and really the suspense and death sequences, even while recognizing their nods to various horror staples from the past, didn’t do much for me. I chuckled here and there during the last half of the movie, but I was mostly waiting for it to end. Such an awesome idea for a slasher totally bogged down by its abandonment of a few pretty compelling subplots and its subsequent devolution into silly attempts at pathos and obvious symbolism while trudging through cliches and homages. I also was so lamed out by the Talking Killer element with the older couple during the violent climax. They became cartoons.

A big disappointment by the end, but it really is beautifully made and acted with conviction. I wish I hadn’t been so distracted by my own desperate ideas at the other bolder, darker directions I was wishing this story would eventually go. That it seems to laugh at itself, too, just didn’t work.

Grade: C-