bookworm04

Realizing I'm having the exact same social problems I was having a year ago. Looks like it's time to switch things up, because

‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.’

— Albert Einstein

As many of my friends flock to the Tea Party flame, I find myself racing towards more ecumenical outlook. People with extreme beliefs that can be distilled to small nuggets that look an awful lot like hate and exclusion make me sad.

Every few weeks, each naturalist intern takes time off the trails and helps out in the kitchen. While in the kitchen, it is our responsibility to create a skit that is centered around the Golden Dustpan (GDP). The GDP is awarded to the tidiest students' cabin. A few weeks ago, I put on my nerd hat and devised an entire skit Newsies-centric skit. In which I tap dance in a spin-off of Kings of New York. 

I'm ridiculously proud of this thing, even though I'm not going to become a writer/playwright anytime soon.

( Front page story, guts and gloryCollapse )

How am I still so phenomenally bad at this? Jeez, I've had 10 years to develop people skills.

I would rather be conversing with the people in my living room, but since nobody has invited me downstairs, I'm not comfortable imposing myself on their conversation. So I'm holed up in my room downloading the most recent episode of Dr Who and whining on LJ.

I hate, hate, hate that I can't tell when I'm wanted. I don't want to be the person that's constantly hanging around going "Hey guys, guys, what are we doing? Are you doing anything fun? Let me one-up you in every conversation!!"

Oh.

I sort of reached this depressing conclusion yesterday: I thrive at being the center of attention because of my intelligence, humor, etc. If I'm not, I feel like the world is doing me a great disservice.

Dammit, I want to join them, they're playing the guitar and everything.

I thought I was done with this social anxiety, pseudo-intellectual shit.

Where do I draw a line between "my needs and psychological well-being are important" and when I should just suck it up and quit being so sensitive about everything.

My friend who lived in Germany for 3 years never told me that the made-up word we used for "man, that's a fancy [noun]" was actually a German word for penis-y.

WHYYYYYYYY.

I think I'm most humiliated because M corrected me, and he's one of the coworkers/friends I respect the most. And that I inadvertently called his costume for EP penis-y.  It's loping around my brain, and not showing any signs of tiring. 

I want to crawl in a hole. And some part of me decided that he thinks less of me for not knowing, etc., etc., people thinking I'm stupid is the end of the world, etc.

Also: 

I've convinced myself that M and K are the sort of people that other people want me to be, and I'm not. Not really. I'm too flighty.  I'm so uncomfortable with that.  I want to articulate the reasons for my discomfort in a coherent, accurate fashion, and it's not working out. Many of my naturalist friends have such a way with words and mine just tumble out willynilly without any poetry. I'm wondering if that's ok or if that makes me a failure. Or if it's neither and I simply am what I am. Either way, I'm growing from having made new friends.  Sometimes you're fortunate enough that you meet people who force you to reassess and put out new growth. It's such a disconcerting, yet refreshing process.

I love the friends that I've made here and the work that I do. Even though all the entries I write portray me as a big ball of introspective neuroses, the past three months are the most I've liked myself and my social situation since senior year of high school/freshman year at Luther. <-- so important, why do I feel like I'm not getting the point across??? 

Maybe that's why I'm afraid I'll botch it all up.

Ever since I first saw zarhooie  doing this meme, I've been wanting to share my musical tastes with everyone. Partly because I feel they are evolving into something new, and I want a record of it, and partly because I rarely share my music preferences on LJ.  And I need to do something introspective that doesn't have to do with work.

Day 01 - A favorite song
Day 02 - A song that makes you happy
Day 03 - A song that makes you sad
Day 04 - A song that reminds you of someone
Day 05 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Day 06 - A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 07 - A song that you can dance to
Day 08 - A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 09 - A song from your favorite band
Day 10 - A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 11 - A song that describes you
Day 12 - A song from your favorite album
Day 13 - A song that you listen to when you're angry
Day 14 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 15 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 16 - A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 17 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 18 - A song that makes you laugh
Day 19: Your favorite love song.
Day 20: Your favorite breakup song.
Day 21: A song that makes you want to break stuff.
Day 22: Your favorite song from a movie.
Day 23: Your favorite duet.
Day 24: Your favorite cover song.
Day 25: Your favorite song from 2010 (so far)
Day 26: Your favorite movie video.
Day 27: One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
Day 28: One song that needs to never be played again.
Day 29: One song that gives you the creeps.
Day 30: A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Day 1

I love me some Simon and Garfunkel.

My throat hurts.

My trail group this week would not listen to me for more than 30 seconds, and I had to give them a serious talk about Respect at least once every 2 hours. One of my campers went home because he was so disruptive, and 2 others had to call home and explain to their moms why they chose to misbehave at camp. The entire week was spent policing kids instead of teaching them, and it made me want to cry. After two example respect talks from admins at the beginning of the week, I started to form my own ideas about what would work well with my students. Mostly the Angry Librarian Voice. I don't know if I've been aggressively frustrated for such a prolonged period in my entire life. At the end of each day, I contemplated the merits of having a good cry and/or shaving my head. I did neither, but did Crazy Calisthenics instead.

Example Angry Librarian/Serious Susan/Do Not Mess with This Naturalist: "That is not what respect looks like. You chose to talk during your owl presentation, sass back to JV, and throw rocks at each other. Obviously you're not listening to what I have to say. So we get to sit here silently next to the fire ring until the next group comes back. I hear talking. Be quiet. Now."

I thought that by the end of the week, all my students would think that I was the naturalist from hell. But as they were leaving, the entire trail group enveloped me in an enormous group hug, and said that they didn't want to leave...they had so much fun learning about nature. That almost made up for such a high negative intensity week.

This evening I went out with a bunch of my coworkers/friends for tacos and mojitos. Delicious, non-soy, non-cafeteria food. I spent time with some different people. Refreshing!

Afterwards, I spent time with my housemates and JV just talking, and it's starting to sink in that my coworkers/housemates (we all live where we work, just in different houses) are my family for the next 10 months.  Because with 14 hour days, M-F, I don't have the time or the inclination to go out and meet more people. People overstimulation.

Garage sale-ing yielded treasure in the form of books, cassettes, and a CD holder.

We planned an entire skit surrounding Yankee Doodle and our living history projects.

I danced.

Star Guitar! I wish I were better at music, I could have sung on-key for a rousting rendition of "What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor". Also to do: practice the recorder and figure out why the heck my uke won't stay in tune.

I think I ruined midnight BatMoth with my adamant astronomical proclamations.

I'm going to Columbus with K tomorrow to have Tea with her friends, and I'm concerned that I'm going to be one big, loud nuisance. Or a quiet, awkward, beige lump. Or I'll be loud and beige. Beige is my code word for being made out of ticky-tacky.

Happy 4 AM, everyone. I need to sleep, which explains why this entry makes less sense than usual.

G'morning and good night.

Ugh. I want to be assertive enough that I don't feel the need to plot fanciful revenge fantasies. Complaining when people I'm not that close to didn't invite me to an activity that I wouldn't like is beyond ridiculous.  Just because it "would have been nice if they invited me" may explain why I'm a bit cranky, but I don't need to resort to plotting how to silently avenge my feelings. It doesn't a matter that I wasn't invited, I truly didn't want to go to the Thing to Which I Was Not Invited. So it really shouldn't be a big deal. But it is, and I'm so mad at myself.

Also: walks at 2 am to parks with intact merry-go-rounds used to spark something wonderful deep within my soul. So I went. But the people I went with were so loud, so I felt like I had to join in. I didn't enjoy myself that much, and felt like a giant nuisance.

Today: K and I went garage sale-ing in a town north of here. I picked up a songbook of revolutionary war songs, a freshly made doughnut, a book about the mythology of Paul Bunyan, a new wallet, some cheese from the farmer's market, 4 books of hands-on science experiments for youth, and cassettes 1 and 3 of a Sioux City Sue folksong anthology.  Total spent: $10. Good haul, and some interesting (if not useful) purchases.

Tonight we checked out Blues Fest, and danced to some local blues and funk bands. I worry that my self-conciousness concerning my dancing was very obvious, but nobody seemed to mind. We played some music on the front porch after Blues Fest, and it made me ridiculously happy. But I need to practice the recorder more, because I'm struggling to play anything in time. Then we chased each other around the Cut Meadow and tumbled into a heap to look at the stars.