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i think i need my medicine back, because i really don't think i can do this anymore. i just need to get away.
everything. it's just everything. i can't pass by anything without thinking, even in my own room. and especially not even in my own mind.
i've only seen people from school lately, and quite frankly, that's not saying much. i know i've talked about this before, but nothing's changed. some people might be a little tired of hearing about it. but not that many people actually read these. yes, i know there are some people at school who have befriended me. on a school only level. and a couple (meaning one or two) that actually talk to me outside of school. but nothing past AIM.
i just want some friends around that i've talked to about everything and who know my life story. however, there's only about 3 or 4 of them, and i've just recently lost the one who knew me the most. i just want someone to talk to just about all the time. not to rant to, and not to do what i do on here (whine), but just to chat with. to say hello, and how are you, and how's your mom doing... and more personal things than, 'hey, did ya see that sky today? talk about blue!'
and i don't know much about sports. and what i do know, i'd rather not talk about. i just want out of school so i can just... go somewhere. it'd be a little better if i had a place, but i'm thinking given enough blankets, i could be warm enough under some bridge that blocks the wind. catherine sprained her ankle, so she can't really do anything. but she was gonna come over on friday night to play rook with us... mike said earlier that he was gonna come home and watch a movie, so i assumed he'd be home. i don't have a car so i figured someone would go get her... then when i call to ask... he and my mother are going to memphis for the weekend. i know the man needs to see his kids every now and again, but it was a total bummer. they were coming home today, and i got a call at about 2 o clock and he asked me if i would play cards with him tonight, because he wanted to make it up to me... and that he'd go and get catherine. then he says they'll be home at about 7 at the latest. at 7, they're still in dickson. he says he'll stop by home before going for catherine.
at 7:45 they get home... 8 o clock i go and ask when we're going... we're not... ok... bummer again. no one was gonna say anything to me until i asked, because no one wants to be mean and say no, they just want to be nice and lead me on, and let me let myself down. thanks. that's why he was hesitating on the phone. he knew he was going to come home and say he was too tired. it's that kind of shit i can't stand. tell me. don't say nothing.
of course, that's a little small to throw me into a frenzy, i know. that's not it, although it didn't help. i just wanted someone else around. i wouldn't even mind AIM right now. but no one's really on.
i just feel horrible and for absolutely no reason at all.
maybe i'm pretending too much. i keep thinking, yes, i'm over it. i don't need any part of it anymore. i think i've posted about that on here, but now i'm not so sure. because it's ALL i can think about.
i forgot to call shoney's today. oops. i'll call tomorrow.
staying involved with what's going on at school (i.e. finance committee, scheduling our 'senior' week, making breakfast reservations, etc.) is just about the only thing keeping me sane.
when i was almost home on friday, i remembered i left my psych book at school... and we have a quiz on monday... yay...
that's ok, i can still do the dreaded math...
no... my notebook's IN my psych book.
nice.
so tomorrow i'm going to school majorly unprepared which isn't smart for someone like me...
that's why i'm in the situation i'm in already. it takes very little to get me off course, but once i am, there's not a whole lot of keeping me on course. this whole year... i've done very well at doing my homework, keeping up with deadlines, and what not, and tomorrow's going to be the first day that i will be failing miserably in my own eyes. the past three years at school i've done absolutely nothing, which has got me into the spot where i must pass ALL of the classes i'm taking this year... (except my 2nd sem. of AP Psych, because i'm taking it twice for fun i guess) and i've gotten myself into a horrible mess.
Plus now, i can't sleep. i've said this on here before, too. for a few years, i never slept at all... then when allen started sleeping in the same bed with me all the time... i don't know what it was, but it's just something about having someone lying next to you (lol... double entendre! lying... LIE-ING ha! i'm funny... but it's true... anyway,) that just put me at ease... and when he wasn't there, i didn't sleep again. now... i go to bed... i rest... i even go into a lucid dreaming phase (that's where you sort of are asleep, but not really, you can still control what happens in your dreams and whatnot) but i can't actually go to SLEEP sleep. it sucks.
the other day we were watching reduced shakespeare (which is HILARIOUS) in english class basically as an incentive for keeping at least 65% of the class AWAKE throughout the previous day's viewing of Hamlet, and adam had this little red book, and it made me think about the little red book of poetry allen gave me, and how he wrote a message in the front cover, and he spelled 'read' wrong.
that's what made me think of the poem Bright Star by John Keats. because that's the one that made him think of me, and that's the one he told me to read. It was on page 127. The pages were kinda rippled on top for an aged look. I remember giving it back to him a while ago. Boy, am i pithetic?!
:( yeah. someone outside has their music up really loud. and it's annoying. and i'm about to go screaming at someone, because that's the mood i'm in.
yay. it stopped, and i didn't even have to yell at anyone.... hmm... nice!
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chipper
hungry
scared
numb