I'm not great with change. I'll freely admit it's one of my biggest flaws, and I'm much more likely to bury my head in the sand and pretend things are the same, rather than roll with the punches. Or I'll just step back, and let changes happen and be as unaware as it's possible to be.

That's kinda how my fandom life has gone. It's changed in so many ways, some of it deliberate, and some that's just, well, happened, and I've purposely not noticed.

I found livejournal through Harry Potter fandom, and it was wonderful, and got swept up in LotR fandom too. Eventually, those fandoms fizzled for me- when the last book was published, when the last movie was released. And I kept some friends and some memories and it was a stepping stone, for the most part. I've passed through different fandoms- SGA, which ended for me when the show ended, and Glee, which began to end when the storylines stopped sitting right for me or offended me, and ended for good when Cory died and it was no longer the same show. But the biggest fandom for me is, was, and always will be Bandom.

Bandom was huge- both in terms of the fans involved, but also the spread of 'canon' material. For me, everything centred around Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco. For others it centred around My Chem or Cobra Starship or any of the peripheral bands. Bandom was all encompassing- when I wasn't working (and even sometimes when I was) I would be writing or listening to music or watching videos or talking to people about Bandom. It gave me a focus when I felt I was drowning. It was a crutch, and a safety net, and a happy escape. It pulled me out of my shell, forcing me to talk to people in the seemingly endless days of sitting outside gig venues in terrible weather for hopes of a spot by the barrier. I travelled the UK to watch these bands, and flew over seas and oceans to watch them too.

And then Bandom started to change, and I did too, and it wasn't as enveloping as it had been before. Really, I think what happened is that Pete and co grew up, and I did too. Panic split, FoB took a hiatus, Billiam disappeared to spend time with his secret baby...life carried on. When once I would stay up until 3am to preorder the deluxe edition of Pretty Odd, suddenly months would pass and I wouldn't have listened to the latest single or album. Sometimes now I'm almost afraid to listen to the new music- I still haven't listened to the new FoB album all the way through, and I don't quite know why (well, I do- it's because I didn't really enjoy the previous one, and it kills me to not love something Pete has created).

I've gone from obsessively reading Pete's secret LJ posts, and watching Bden's youtube channel updates, to not knowing what's going on in the Bandom world anymore. When I slipped away from it, there was one Fall Out Baby. Now there's four. When I left, Ryland and Suarez were still Cobras, and Cash Colligan was a funny douche, not a somewhat offensive one, and Patrick was chubby, and Billiam wasn't doing private performances at Scalzi's house, and Keltie was some girl who wrote a book about RyRo not a TV personality, and Spencer wasn't an addict and was still a member of Panic.

Which is really what's brought this post about. For all the other changes, I could handle it. It was a random bunch of individuals, all progressing with their lives somewhere else in the world, and knowing they were there, doing their thing, was enough. Somehow, Spencer leaving the band officially- when from what I understand it's been kinda unofficial for awhile- seems so...final. Because there is no Panic anymore- it's Bden at the Disco because when you're down to 1/4 of a band, is it still a band?

And it's weird, because the fangirl in me, who wrote about Spencer and Ryan, and Spencer and Brendon, and friendships vs romances, is angry at Ryan Ross for letting Spencer become an addict (because fandom!Ryan, the character should know better, and still be there for his childhood best friend, even if real!Ryan is nothing like that character at all), and allowing this to happen. And the part of me who is no longer that fangirl is so unbelievably pleased that Spencer is happy (he was always my second favourite, after Pete), with or without a shitty band (and I say shitty with all the love in my heart, because I will always love first-two-albums-Panic, for their music and the emotions and the inspiration and for giving me my best friend).

I'm not sure why this change, above all the others, makes it so final, such an ending, but it is. The bandom door has closed for me, and while I will listen to the songs, and cherish the memories, I'm no longer the sad, suicidal girl struggling to stay alive and burying myself in bandom fanfic to avoid the world.

So with this door closing, I'm going to be taking down all of my fanfic. I don't know if anyone is reading this, or if anyone cares, but if there's a fic of mine you enjoyed and want to read again, this is your last chance to do so. Next week I'm taking it all down. I've been avoiding change for so long, pretending nothing was different, that it's time I roll with it, that I change too.

Truth be told, this is probably the death knell for my LJ too. I barely use this anymore, and I can't see myself migrating to any of the other social networking sites that fandom and friends have moved to. That being said, I've been on LJ for...I'm actually scared to look at how long. A decade? So it might not disappear quite as easily as the fic does.

Change is scary, but it can be cathartic. And that's how finally saying Goodbye Bandom feels right now. It's bittersweet, but I'm not half-doomed anymore. So I think that's okay.

This journal is mostly friends-locked, apart from fic and fandom squee posts.

I friend back pretty much everyone who wants me to though, so if you want to be added, just let me know with a comment here please!

Bandom Fic Masterlist

Here lies a (not entirely complete) list of what I've written in Bandom to date.

I've placed warnings on those I feel need it, but if you feel I've missed anything, please let me know, and I will add to the warnings listed.

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A masterlist of non-Bandom fic I've written. There's not much right now but hopefully I can build it up as I go along!

( GleeCollapse )



( AvengersCollapse )

Seriously cannot get past how amazing the movie was. I loved every minute of it. LOVED IT.

Loved it so much I do not have words to express it but UGH amazing.

Last night we watched Thor 2 on DVD for the first time. We'd missed it at the cinema, and only recently got our hands on the DVD and just...didn't get around to watching. So we thought it'd be nice to watch it before we went to the movies today.

Hated it. Got so bored I read a book and surfed the internet and had to rewind a couple of scenes for fannish reasons, but I just didn't enjoy it at all. So I did not go in to Cap with high hopes. But !!!!!!!!!!

Yep, have run out of words to properly express how amazing it was. Want to go back and watch it a zillion times in a row and I want to write and read all the fic and just, ugh, FEELS!

So, I'm just going to get this out of the way: PETE WENTZ I LOVE YOUR STUPID FACE

Ahem. I'm torn between flailing around (THEY'RE BACK!) and wanting to have stern words with Mr Wentz (we had an agreement: I move to the bottom of the fucking world where no musicians come ever (this is a slight exaggeration) and they have a wee hiatus until I become exceedingly wealthy and can fly in my private jet to see them wherever. This was not part of the plan, Pete.

Seriously though, how gutted am I about FOB playing Reading & Leeds, along with Biffy?

It's weird to think how long it's been- was it really three years ago that I was at Leeds with lokte watching them for the last time (and maybe crying a little when they played Saturday?). I hate when time feels both incredibly long, and ridiculously short at the same time.

Which brings me to why I'd intended to post today- it's my 2 year anniversary of arriving in Dunedin. I've had 2 very happy years, and I'm hoping to have a lot more. It's funny to hear the news about FOB today, really, because I still, and will forever more, credit Pete with the fact that I am alive to live this life, and that I have some amazing friends who I met because of him.

Life in general is going well- still counting down until we get the house, so I'm going to be boring and focused on that for quite awhile to come, I suspect (sorry in advance!). And I've been spending a fair amount of time on my nail blog (lusterforlife.blogspot.co.nz!). Last week I got my first follower which made me ridiculously happy! It's such a different environment to LJ, but I like it!

So, yeah. Life is good and FOB is back and all is well with the world. It's a holiday in NZ (Waitangi Day) so I'm enjoying spending some time with the budgies and chilling out (Beck is at work this morning). And, now, listening to FOB and reminiscing. How funny that a band can put your life on a completely different path than you'd expected.

So, I need some advice. Basically, I need to know if it's possible to take a photocopy of a photograph and...retouch it? (I have no idea of the jargon here) so that it looks nice and sharp and clear like the actual photograph. Is this possible?

And if it is possible, does anyone know where I can get it done?

A long story cut short- There's this lovely black & white photo of my parents and myself as a baby that my mum loved but let me take away with me to university all the way back in 2002. I took a photocopy of it at some point, which was lucky because it disappeared in my first year (how, I don't know, because I definitely didn't throw it out) and my mum was really, really angry with me because she doesn't have the negatives for it.

I must have hidden the photocopy away because I was annoyed at myself for losing it, and I came across it the other day when I was clearing out stuff from the boxes I still haven't unpacked from my big move.

I would love to have a decent copy of it, and also one to give to my mum for her 65th birthday this year but have no idea if it's possible. The photocopy is a bit wrinkled, so I don't know if that's an issue either.

I'm really hoping someone has some advice about this, because the photo means a lot to me and my mum and I'm an idiot for losing it. I don't really care how much it would cost to get something like this professionally done, but I have no idea where to go to have it done, if it's at all possible.

What better way to spend Christmas morning than watching Elf, eating freshly baked cinnamon rolls, drinking orange juice and lemonade, and opening presents. Even the budgies got gifts (for four of them, it's their first Christmas, for the other 2, it's been a year since we got them!).

But I think the best part of this morning was knowing that, at the same time across the city, underprivileged kids are unwrapping gifts. This year we managed to do something I've wanted to do for the longest time- donate some gifts to the wishing tree.

So last week mintyfiend and I went shopping and had a great time, picking out toys for kids (and a couple of outfits for very wee ones). We went a bit mad, but it was important for us to get things for a range of ages from baby to teen. Hopefully the presents are being well received wherever they are. It was, unfortunately, coordinated by the Salvation Army (which is an organisation I have serious issue with, which is a rant for another time) but I figured the benefits outweighed my issues.

Anyway, what it means that as I sit here, enjoying another swelteringly hot Christmas day, I feel like I've done something good this year, and made a difference.

We also dropped off some food and toiletries at the night shelter for homeless people, which is run by a really nice guy who particularly liked the candy canes that mintyfiend donated.

Anyway, I'm not religious in the slightest, and we don't have a Thanksgiving type celebration here, but I am truly thankful for a lot of things in my life. I am thankful for my job, which I love even when it has it's stressful moments, and gives me enough money to live on. I am thankful for the fact that in a few months we'll be in our own house. I am thankful that we have food to eat today (perhaps too much, judging by the heaving fridge- why does everyone overbuy at Christmas as though it's the end of the world? And why do I do it too?) and that we had presents to open. I am thankful for the budgies and the 'IOU a bunny' that mintyfiend put in my Xmas card. And I am thankful for my family and for my friends, and for LJ which brought so many wonderful people into my life, both this year and in years gone by.

♥

It is, of course, ridiculously hot today- the sort of hot day that you just lie on the couch with all the doors and windows open and move as little as possible. It was hot last night too, so I'm semi grumpy from not sleeping as well as I'd like. For years, living in the UK, I missed Christmases like this, but right now I could quite happily run around in the snow.

It's Christmas Eve here now, which means I have great plans to make trifle for mintyfiend and cinnamon roll dough for breakfast tomorrow, and some typically kiwi marinated kebabs for lunch (alas, done in the oven, not on a barbie), which I'll probably do later when Beck is at Mass and I am being my typical heathen self and staying here (after having a horrible experience when I accompanied her to Mass last year, I won't be doing that again any time soon).

Tomorrow will be a low key sort of day, which is good, I think. I keep thinking about next Christmas though- how nice it'll feel to have our own house (honestly, this place is shite and falling down- one of the powerpoints has suddenly stopped working- and even though we've been here for over a year, I still don't feel at home) and really enjoy Christmas.

Speaking of enjoying Christmas, I received an amazing story at the avengers_xchng, from keincaled. It's here if you fancy reading something incredibly sweet and touching and Steve/Thor-ish. I was so pleased! I also posted my exchange fic, which the recipient liked, so I'm very pleased about that too!

I definitely have the writing bug back, which is, I have to say, a huge relief after so long. I've got a few stories in the works (of which one is ridiculous), as well as plans to fill prompts given to me here (and if you want to give me a prompt, that'd be awesome and you still can). Plus I've been dabbling in writing things at one of the avengers kink memes. So I definitely plan on taking advantage of some time off to write and whatnot.

Anyway, I hope all of your have an absolutely amazing Christmas (or whatever you celebrate this time of year). ♥

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