My White Room

Well! I did that thing again where too much happened and I didn't update during that time, and now I have a ton to discuss.

Firstly, I got hurt at work, in a way that was fairly minor, but was quite important. I dropped a mobile access point and I got my hand caught between it and the rail of the basket where I work. M was there. He kept me from passing out. There was a lot of blood. It's been about 6 weeks and the finger has finally healed. I was able to go without official medical treatment but I was able to discern that the bone was cracked. It's just about better now, although it's got a gnarly bump on the side of my finger.

About a week after that, and almost certainly due to being blatantly obvious, the fact that M and I are in an unconventional relationship came out to our whole crew. It was surprisingly not super terrible although definitely not how I would have liked that to go. I find not caring what anyone thinks about me is helpful to being okay at work, but there are other relationships to maintain at work where respect has to be upheld to be successful. I have some more on that in a few. But first!

Andrew had a brief interlude of romance with a friend of ours. It was somewhat of a poly practice session for us both. They didn't consummate their feelings fully, but essentially I could see that there was a valid connection there. Problem was I was sort of stuck in my home without being a part of that, and feeling like I was inhibiting their ability to address their feels, whatever they ended up being. So I made the executive decision to let them know how I felt, and to stay somewhere else on her last night in town. I did this without ire, and with encouragement. I was nervous and I wasn't necessarily ready for him to spend the night with her while I was in the same house, but also I knew she was going home and they wouldn't get that opportunity again soon. I know how important that can be. I had not ever gotten to spend a night with M in my whole relationship with him, and I wanted to afford the opportunity I had not had, without my processing getting in the way.

So I asked S (M's wife. Yes. They're S&M) if I could stay with them. Not in a romantic capacity, but in the capacity of a comfortable place to stay, with someone heading to the same job as me in the morning. They let me come over and stay in their guest room and it was wonderful. I felt like it was a good moment. IT was 4th of July, so we watched fireworks and after that I went to bed comfortably and safely. I was able to show vulnerability, and treat their house like home. She and I have been making great strides in communicating and bonding and it's been really good, at least from my perspective. Seems to be from hers as well.

Moving on... So M and I no longer work together! He changed jobs to a job much more suited to him, that's in his career path in the same company. It's not at the same mine though, so his daily commute is different and he gets his own company truck. I'm pretty concerned that he's not going to make the time for me that he promises he will, but I'm trying to be open and just see what he does rather than assuming either direction. The job is exciting, and it's alleviated a little bit of the stress and side-eyes from our co-workers.

Last weekend was the first since we have not worked together. I spent a lot of time mourning that change. I cried on our last bus ride together, and on our last drive out together. Our relationship was initially founded on that commute and we've always shared that as a common aspect of our lives since knowing each other, and. Now we don't. It was a good change, and a change that needed to happen, but it was still hard.

They (S&M) ended up having a party that weekend that they had been planning for quite some time, and it was very fun. Elegant hats, and cigars and nice drinks, and a fire pit in the yard. The turnout was a good bunch of folks and it was a good time. I ended up asking if I could spend the night again, assuming their guest room. Well, to sum up I ended up spending the night in their room instead. No funny business. Just cuddles. It was great. I didn't feel like I was getting in the way of them, and I finally got to spend a night next to M. I think the world needs more good quality cuddle piles, honestly.

Hmm... What else what else... Oh yes. Emotional roller coasters (largely for the above reasons). I lost a lot of my cool during all this. Instead of the somewhat more even demeanor I've adopted over the last year or so, I was all kinds of erratic again. I'm working on the tools to keep myself more even, without losing the ability to feel.

We are almost ready to put on Andrew's production of As You Like It at the theater. He should be super proud of it. It's beautiful and there will certainly be photos of that. It's themed after Van Gogh, and M is playing Jaques as Van Gogh. It's gonna be awesome.

He didn't get the same theater job he didn't get last year again. We found out today. Getting pretty sick of the bureaucracy related to work and staying alive.

I think that roughly sums it up for now. Perhaps a more targeted post about one topic or another will follow soon. :)

I remember driving down Mill avenue on September 10, 2005. I had just left a water balloon fight with The Gamer's Society at Arizona State, and I left because of a phone message telling me that my husband had been in an accident. I was driving and calling my best friend over and over, and she didn't answer. Once it sounded like she picked up and immediately hung up. I never knew why. All I knew was I was alone and I had to handle this. I drove up to St. Joseph's hospital where they brought him, did my duty as an 18 year old bride of less than 3 months, signing power of attorney paperwork and notifying other family members. One thing that has always remained true for me, no matter how easily I may be broken by small things, is that I do not break when the chips are down. I handle things until they no longer need handling.

Today, I recovered from an abnormal evening in which I went out to see some friends, while remaining sober. I barely wanted to leave my new house, but kept feeling the push to go, so I went. A little while into this, another friend who had already mentioned wanting to come out showed up, and he was already in trouble. I could see it, but he's not the type to be swayed to go home, stay in or really to do anything he doesn't feel like doing. Especially when he's already several drinks in.

The night progressed. He fluctuated between boisterous and low. Eventually, a hostile air kind of crept into the night, so I decided to run away. I was happy with my decision, and was happy to be home because I could feel that something bad was coming, and I knew I didn't want to be a part of it. I left without saying goodbye, but I sent a message to my friend wishing him a good night and telling him to get home safely.

In the early afternoon I spoke to him, and he thanked me for being there for him, but I could tell he was worse. Whatever I had missed had been bad. Whether it had been bad because of his own internal workings or something had really gone wrong, I can't really know, but whatever it was, it was not better by noon. Then he mentioned hurting himself and for some reason I didn't take it to heart.

Tonight, his wife sent me a message, asking if he had mentioned anything about harming himself in the last few days, so of course I immediately recounted the whole story of the evening as far as I understood it, and when I left. She then told me that while she was out with their kids he had hurt himself, and was in the hospital. That's the most recent thing that I know as of this writing.

So there it is. I'm back to thinking of myself as that scared 18 year old who won't break because suddenly the chips are down, and thinking of her dealing with this burden she didn't ask for, who can't afford the luxury of breaking because she has children who depend on her. Thinking of the weight she is carrying, and wondering if I could have made it lighter. Had my friend answered her phone that day, would my burden have been lighter? I don't know. Had I stayed out with him, taken his mentions of self harm more seriously, would I have been able to lighten her burden? I don't know that either.

I know, like the Barenaked Ladies said in War on Drugs, "What they don't know is when nature calls, you go." When you want to hurt, when you want to bleed, nothing can stop you. Not all the love in the world. Not all the help. Not all the suicide helplines. When you want it, you want it. And he did.

I'm glad he's alive. I'm glad his wife has people who are here to support her. I'm glad he has support as well.

I remember going home from the hospital on September 12th, 2005, and getting my house ready to take my husband home. I remember the smell of his clothes in the plastic biohazard bag the hospital used for his personal effects. They smelled like blood and sweat and the barest semblance of earthy decay from all that moisture fighting against the plastic for three days. It was like mourning a death that didn't happen. It was a death that I could feel. The same thing happened after I fell off the mountain in 2011. I referred to it as the day that I died, not the day that I lived. It was a death that I could feel, but one I had a chance to recover from. That's how I feel tonight. I'm racking my brain trying to see what I could have done to prevent a death that did not happen. I'm begging for answers, for a solution. For a magic way to heal someone else's mind and body that just isn't coming. What I do have though is the chance to go forward, to appreciate and support people. To stop taking for granted. This time it wasn't too late.

Don't wait to show people that they are important. When something tells you to go to a place, and to leave, listen. When you aren't sure what to do, sometimes you should still do something anyway.

An amazing thing has been happening lately. The actors in Camelot have been stepping fully into their parts, and feeling the emotions written in the story. Now, Camelot could be played as a fluff piece, but as I've mentioned briefly before it can also be played with a great deal of depth. And why wouldn't it be? Even dressed down this is a story of love and loss that has survived in various iterations since the 5th century AD. Obviously it has something going on beyond "Strange women lying in ponds as a form of government".

As with any even remotely worthwhile piece of art, Camelot is a reflection of a part of the human condition. It depicts the growth of three people who are disabused of their fanciful notions of the way the world works and the way they themselves work, at a very high cost. (I separate this from your average Arthurian legend and let it stand on its own since it departs fairly heavily from the traditional stories, while still drawing its main substance from them.)

The story is full of conflict and heartache which I've been absolutely thrilled to see brought to the stage, despite not receiving a ton of guidance from the directorial team. But here's where the abyss comes in: I just learned that the actor bringing the most life to the story has been told to tone it down by the directorial team. I am... Well I wish I could say I was surprised, but I am absolutely disappointed.

Our team stared into the face of what they believed to be a romantic little jaunt, and they saw truth staring back at them. What they saw made them uncomfortable and conflicted with their initial vision of the plot. So instead of changing their perception, they're trying to change someone else's interpretation of the story. An interpretation that I, personally, think is right on the money. Basically people poured heart and soul into a piece and got this in response:

Art changes people. It is SUPPOSED to make you question, to make you uncomfortable. To make you feel comforted. Art allows us to fulfill the drive to understand and be understood. But we do not always like what we see when we stare into the abyss. Personally. I think that's why we need to.

I'm on a plane! I'm headed to Phoenix for a couple of days, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I have a little apprehension at the prospect of possibly facing some of my old friends, but I don't want to run from my problems anymore.

This will be my first time going out to the Renaissance festival in two years. Last time I went with Ian and Kyrie and Preston. We reenact end an old photo of us that used to hold a significant amount of sentimental value for me. Everything ends, I guess. I'll be wearing a lovely outfit, and the mask I made for Sarah's and my "co" birthday at the beginning of 2013. It's got the Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock decopaged to it, and I think it will fit very well.

I'm very tired. While rehearsals for Camelot are growing more frustrating, the play itself seems to be coming together and it is inciting actual emotions in people. Although D is biased, he saw it last night and it was quite effective.

I think I'm too tired to keep writing just now. I'll check in on the ground. :D

When I was a kid, my dad endeavored to teach me Karate. It is one of his passions and he really wanted to pass it on to me. I never really picked it up to the degree he wanted, and so eventually he gave up due to frustration. This was, however after years of physical and mental guidance on self defense, how to fight, how to avoid fighting, and how to win if the fight was unavoidable. One lesson was constantly reoccurring: Go In. His general premise was that I would be smaller than most opponents I might come up against (definitely true at age 7 or so), and that punches are harder to land if you step deeply into their striking distance. Moreover, stepping far into a striking distance can also make it much harder for an opponent to land an attack with a melee weapon and may even provide an opportunity to disarm someone of a projectile before they get a chance to use it. Up-close fighting and grappling of course comes with its own concerns and techniques, but I digress...

Go in.  Everwhere we are faced with adversaries. Whether they take the shape of people whose goals conflict with yours, difficult conversations with loved ones, or your own personal demons, those adversaries are ready and willing to lash out. They have a longer reach than you, and they even know all your favorite hiding places.

Staying at what feels like a safe distance from Conflict is so tempting. Running is so tempting, and made doubly so by the fact that it feels like it works. At first. Why resolve an issue with a friend when you can just cut off all contact without a word? You've taken the power in the scenario and now they're confused while you know exactly where you stand. Easy! Why text the person you like, asking to go on a date? They might reject you. Wait to see if they text you first. Problem solved! You're 99% sure that things you want will hurt your partner or make them uncomfortable, so maybe just change your goals instead of discussing them. Put your happiness aside! Or maybe gently push them to change their wants. What could go wrong? The answer is everything. Everything can go wrong and it probably will. All that distance merely allows time for resentment, or false trusts to develop. In short, that is not what love looks like. Not self love. Not outward love.

Love and repentance. I think these two things may be the most important and inter-related actions in life. And they are just that. Actions, rather than the feelings we are used to associating with the words. When we speak of love and repentence we (or at least I) have generally always been really describing limerence and guilt. When we are really really sorry, we can feel guilt. But where is the repentence? The repentence is in the action. "I'm sorry I did this thing. I'm sorry this thing was harmful to others, or to myself. I will work and grow to adapt my future actions so that this pain is not repeated."

When we catch a severe case of the squishies (see: limerence), we feel a massive mix of emotions. All the hormone tanks in our brains are on overload. We want to run away. We want to cling. We want to hang on every word and analyze the most meaningless of actions. It's a lot of wants and anxieties and hopes and dreams all wrapped up into a confusing little ball of yarn. Love and limerance part ways eventually however. Sometimes love is terrifying, and confused. It does not always feel like squishy twitterpation. Sometimes it's looking pain square in the face and realizing that the best thing is to bear it and endure. Sometimes it's facing that same pain and making the deliberate choice to walk away. It's wanting desperately to keep your child locked safely indoors with you but letting her grow and mature and flourish in the outside world because it's the the best thing for her. Love wears a lot of mantles, but above all it is always deliberate. It's the conscious choice to speak the truth with compassion, face the truth with courage, and seek the best possible outcome with yourself, and all other involved parties in mind.

Fear speaks to us and it says "Run." Guilt speaks to us and it says "You're a failure. You were born bad. Don't try to do better because you'll only make things worse." Limerence says "This is everything you've ever wanted. Don't do anything whatsoever that might make this feeling go away, and if it does immediately find something or someone else to bring it back."

Love and repentence say "Go in."

So Jo afforded me the opportunity to get everyone talking about some of the motivations and subtleties of Camelot tonight, and it seemed to have a great effect on the cast. I wasn't very articulate but I managed to get my point across, which was that we have a reason to be on stage when we are there, and that reason can be inferred from the script. Meghan further pointed out that everyone's motivations will be slightly different, and that's how you make an interesting ensemble. We are all witnessing the same series of events, but we have our own personal feelings about them. They're all congruent. Ben pointed out that his character would view the scene we were discussing differently than the ensemble which really drove home that point that we all have a unique reason for being there.

On top of that Becca gave great dance and even motivational direction tonight. Everybody seemed much more invested and involved with just a little bit of a push to consider what they were doing. It was much more fun and rewarding to be there tonight than it's been in a while.

After rehearsal I got to have a really fun talk with Roz about the weight of what her character is going through emotionally, and how I have personally experienced some very similar things. She even pointed out deeper subtleties to the character that I had not noticed or not been able to verbalize. She talked about how Guenevere had "no room in her heart" for anyone else despite pining for an adventurous knight, until Arthur begins to get so invested in building his Round Table that he begins to give her insufficient attention. She also pointed out that when she's asking Arthur if he's becoming jealous of the attention she receives from the other knights and he dismisses her, and tells her to go away for the weekend that loss of attention and lack of jealousy is devastating which happens in a timely fashion, as she meets Lancelot shortly thereafter.

Long story short, it was a night that felt like theater is supposed to. It felt enriching and rewarding. I really want to seek more of that in my experiences. I want to start trying to facilitate theater workshop sessions free of charge in the other theater group I am becoming involved with. I suspect it would be great fun and everyone would benefit.

Expectations, boundaries, attempts at control. Mutual support necessary from everyone involved. When one person drops the ball many people are at risk of suffering.

Lately I'm seeing the price of lack of communication and the proper tools in theater. It manifests very much the same as it does in relationships, for the reasons listed above. The question is, since people in a theater group aren't quite as inclined to be openly communicative and there actually is a pretty real hierarchy in a theater setting, how can I apply the tools of communication and my own boundaries to contribute to a show to the best of my own ability? How do I keep the struggles from getting me down?

That's it for now. I've got a lot of feelings swimming around today and I'm not sure how to articulate them all. 

So another vehicle caught fire at our mine within a week. MSHA has shut down our production while they inspect all of our equipment. Since our bonus structure recently changed, a co-worker and I are wondering if maybe operators are driving harder in order to meet the new production goals and the equipment is paying the price. Fortunately no one has been hurt in any of these incidents. Even so, this is getting to be fairly unnerving and stressful. I hope that this ends up being a wake-up call for our miners and our safety team.

I'm happy to live in a time when constant death is not a given in mining. It's still far too common, but I am glad that the culture has adapted so significantly as to reduce deaths to a bare few a year, as opposed to nigh daily.  For my own part, these recent incidents have served to remind me that my safety at work is not a given, despite my company's generally very good safety culture. Safety is in fact never a given. I plan to assess more of what I can do to keep myself and my co-workers safe in the upcoming time at work.

Also. Also... I would really like to continue to have a job so if we could operate safely enough for MSHA to not want to shut us down even temporarily that would be awesome.