With the State of Florida imposing broad new limits on how issues of gender and sexuality may be taught in school, The Onion asked Florida students what they learned in their sex ed classes, and this is what they said.
Raul Cavello, 15
“Whether or not I’m engaging in safe sex, I should always feel deeply ashamed of myself.”
Quintin Thorpe, 17
“No race-mixing.”
Ainsley Wheeler, 11
“That I am asking for it!”
Vincent Thomas, 16
“Boys have penises and girls have vaginas, and anyone who questions the absoluteness of that statement should be murdered.”
Zach Wertz, 16
“Our teacher made sure we understood that the idea of consent is all about plausible deniability.”
Claire Lowell, 10
“That the weakest point of entry when going to shoot up a Planned Parenthood is the back entrance.”
Mark Kendall, 15
“Sperm is agony.”
Kenyon Sanders, 14
“Sex is when the man rips off his penis and throws it at a woman, who then swallows it whole so it can go down into her stomach and grow into a baby.”
Tyler Powell, 14
“Don’t tell anyone.”
Jorge Arellano, 15
“The instructor was forced to teach us about gender from behind a thick black curtain with voice distortion.”
Ron DeSantis, 45
“Women have something called boobs.”
McKeelee Hughes, 16
“I was told it was illegal for me to not show my midriff to my dad’s friends.”
Mindy Barnes, 15
“You can only get AIDS from certain races of people.”
Tracy Jones, 14
“That the parts of the vagina are none of my concern.”
Frankie Tyson, 15
“If you got some H, you can trade that for some strange if you find the right park.”
Nellie Coughman, 17
“I was repeatedly told by my sex ed, calculus, history, and Spanish teachers that 17 is legal—whatever that means.”
Noah Davis, 13
“The man takes out his penis and then God’s enormous hand gently guides it into the woman.”
Bebe Conway, 15
“They had us all learn responsibility by taking turns caring for a baby that our classmate had.”
Mia Garcia, 18
“Babies! That’s what these fuckers popping out of me are called! Cool to have a name for them finally.”
Tyeshia Carter, 14
“The medically accurate term for female breasts is bazonkers.”
Liam Reynolds, 11
“Penis goes in but never comes out.”
Ava Anderson, 14
“It wasn’t too bad. The girls just broke off from the boys into a separate group and then our teacher called us all whores.”
Benjamin Taylor, 17
“Apparently in a free market, a penis will naturally find the woman’s G-spot and bring her to full economic satisfaction.”
Kendall King, 14
“The daily, mandatory genital checks have kind of numbed me to the whole idea of sexuality, to be honest.”
Kaylee Sheffield, 14
“My sex ed class was mostly just my teacher telling us she had a miscarriage and then crying for 45 minutes until the bell rang.”
Mike Jefferson, 14
“I was sent to state prison for asking what a clitoris is.”
Daniel Whalen, 29
“One of my professors in my sex ed PhD program taught me the history of putting on a condom.”
Vicky Dugan, 16
“I was taught that something is very, very wrong if I’m experiencing any pleasure.”
Brayden Ipser, 10
“That 10 angels die for every drop of semen I lose.”
Camile Stevens, 9
“They assigned me to a 55-year-old husband named Jeff, and we’ve been married ever since.”
Lori Davis, 13
“I learned that my very existence is part of the devil’s plan to tempt my teacher into acting on his desires.”
Jacob Powell, 10
“That you can just call her a lying slut in court and your case will be dismissed.”
