• Mailman Strongly Hinting He Wants To Be Chased

  • Lower Class Dismissed

  • Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly

  • Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies

  • Wrong Spray Merely Freshens Attacker

  • Chardonnay Vomited Into NPR Tote

  • Harlem Globetrotters Keep Basketball Just Out Of Reach Of Make-A-Wish Kid

  • Headlights Caught In Deer

  • Laugh Track Easily Amused

  • Gun Owner Ready For Them

  • SAIC Earns Top Seed In Conceptual Basketball Tournament

  • Coin Flip Disputed

  • Vibrator Left On All Night

  • Everything Riding On Second Flush Attempt

  • Mom Reminds Adult Son It’s His Birthday

  • Movie Under Impression Being ‘A Hulu Original’ A Selling Point

  • Respectful Song Addresses DJ As Mr. DJ

  • Other Guy In Wheelchair Sized Up

  • Married Porn Star Changes Name To Fellatia Juggs-Dunwiddie

  • Area Man Can’t Stop Playing With Piercing


‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Idaho resident Kathy Miller, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

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