One thing I’ve never struggled with is the idea I’m not a fact of the universe. One day I’ll be gone and forgotten. That IS a fact of the universe, but unlike so many people it’s never bothered me. I’m okay with disappearing.
I don’t need to be remembered.
Or maybe I don’t expect to be, and have resigned myself to that for so long it doesn’t even register that it should be any other way.
I know where it comes from, and how I’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy of protective-aloofness which keeps me safe from being hurt again but too tough to get to know for most people to bother with.
But knowing doesn’t change anything.
I still expect my friends to find better friends they like more than me. I still expect my relationships to fizzle out because they decide I’m not good enough for them or I’m too difficult to know, and for everyone to move on and forget all about me.
I expect to be alone in the end.
But I’m really fucking sick of it.
October 12th, 2020
June 26th, 2020
I feel haven’t been doing any of that lately. Or for the last few years. Or really, even more than that. It’s all a blank and I have just been carefully skating over the thin ice separating myself from feeling anything. I’ve been passive and avoidant and... empty.
I used to write down my thoughts and my days and my experiences and my worries and my successes and I think I miss it.
Because I didn’t journal for so long it’s almost like those years are gone.
I can’t look back on them and re-read and put myself back into the mindset from when I wrote that post, and I think I need that.
I have the worst memory, and I’m forgetting things. I’m forgetting things I’d like to remember. Things I should remember. And so much is gone now.
I work lots and I love my job, but I work and I come home and I watch tv and craft and maybe read and spend hours on the Internet, but I feel like I’m missing something. A connection. And while the lj community is gone and social media completely changed the internet and the natures of the old forums and groups, I’ve only felt that kind of connection that I used to have a couple of times since those days and that’s all gone now too.
So I want to start journaling again. I’m not sure if it’s here or somewhere else, or even offline, but here seemed like a good place to start reconnecting.
So here it is.
July 1st, 2016
I'm currently sitting on my bed, drinking coffee and patting the Simon-cat who has recently decided that he likes sleeping on my bed. I don't know if I've ever mentioned Simon... he is the stray cat who about two years ago decided he really liked my house, and was moving in whether I liked it or not. I put up a decent fight for about 6 months, and then gave up because he is adorable and was very persistent. And loud. He'd meow at my windows for hours in the middle of the night, just letting me know he was there and would really rather be inside. How could any cat lover say no - however much you really shouldn't have three cats? So he moved inside properly and got his own food bowl. My other cats never minded him - I think Dean was the one who told him he should move in. Not that they curl up together or anything, but they are friendly enough. And Penny doesn't like any cats, but she tolerates Simon in the same way she's always tolerated Dean.
When I took Simon to the vet to be desexed she guessed that he was about 5. I don't know how long he'd been homeless, but he was obviously not well fed. And not a great hunter... he's too playful to be a good hunter. We had a pet rabbit get loose in the street a few months ago and it was just on my front lawn, digging holes, and Dean went all shadow-of-the-night-hunter mode and Simon bounded over to the rabbit like he was in a Rom-Com where the two lovers run across a meadow at each other.... Strangely the rabbit was a bit shocked at this.
May 29th, 2016
I don't know why I feel like writing today, I guess I'm just on my computer and can. I haven't had a computer in such a long time that using one at home seems strange. I bought myself a macbook for christmas - figured it was time to ditch Windows and I still need something to run iTunes... I'm waiting for some files to download, so why not leave a few words on the one place I ever really documented my thoughts.
Tonight I'm sitting on my couch, in the house I own, surrounded by my three cats, warmed by the new heater I purchased this month, texting my boyfriend and I wonder how the fuck I got from where I was to here. Honestly I never thought this would be my life. I'm glad it is, but it still seems so weird.
I'm happy. who would have guessed that would happen. Even though my brain lies to me and I have some shitty days, mostly I'm happy.
I am sorry I don't write more here, because i do like to come back and read entries, remember what was happening and things that I was thinking, feeling and doing. And sometimes its really nice to read about the happy times. I might try to write some more. I doubt I'll manage it though. I barely even tweet anymore these days. But I should try. *cue 6 months later* haha. Lets see what happens. xxx
August 31st, 2015
I just want to be (normal, for want of a better word) again. I don't want to be stressed and anxious and tired anymore. I know I need to change jobs - my 19-of-24-months-in-two-jobs hell is almost over - bring on October 2! But I don't want to go back to just my original role, because I've done role for 3 years now that PLUS another (higher responsibility role) for the last two. That role isn't enough. I'm not sure that my higher one is enough either. I do love aspects, but I think I'll get bored, because I have two locations to manage, and still a base role to do. I was telling someone the other day that I've accidentally managed to have a go at all of the roles I want to do in this organisation all at once. I've been the front of house customer service/teacher and created really effective programs, changed the way the system works in development and teaching, run the organisations website and social media while working in the IT department, and then managed a location and its sub location and 8 staff on and off for over 18 months.... All with very little help from above or below, and a lot of expectations from all sides.
I literally have no career moves left here. There aren't currently any positions that I want to work towards for that I haven't already done.
But it took me so long to get in, and get a job and I really did love it. At the heart I still love the idea of my job, it's just the realities of the company and this past year have worn me down. It's been a really long year.
So I don't know what I want to do. There is a job I will apply for in my current organisation when it gets advertised - managing another location, which would be easy and lovely because it's an amazing team and location and I could do that with no stress at all. But it will be seen as leaving an amazing opportunity because I've fallen into the position of being the only full time (non admin) employee in the organisation who doesn't need to apply to work in our huge new state of the art location. But I look at that building every day (we're currently operating out of a building across the road) and it gives me serious anxiety just thinking about it, what it represents and the opportunities people seem to think it offers but in pretty sure it won't. I had a panic attack last time we had a site tour.
The other two immediate options are my old boss has a new business - which would mean going back to hospitality, yes, but I did love working for him and if I did go back, I'd go back to uni again and get a masters. It's easy, but probably not the smartest move if I want to stay in my industry. I have been toying with the idea of finding a business to run myself, so this may not be as random as it sounds.
Or I could apply for what is a very similar role to my original, but with a different company. Same pay, but a bit more IT based and I'd have to commute. But everyone who works for this company says they are just lovely and really amazing to work for, and they have a different corporate ladder I may actually like to attempt to climb.
My anxiety and inability to do things even when I know they will be beneficial in the long run meant that I put off making a decision so long that the advertisement for that job closed, and I figured that was that, but it got readvertised on the weekend so I think it's a sign, and I will make the effort.
But not a job for today. Today is for lying on the couch with my lovely cats and taking care of myself.
August 17th, 2015
I've been a bit manic lately too. I get jittery, and anxious and I kind of feel like I'm not really present in my own life. My mind won't shut off, and I'm wired all of the time. I'm not sure if any one has noticed, because i am so used to passing, but I know I've stopped smiling so freely - I have to consciously do it now, so I'm not doing that great.
I haven't been sleeping much, just reading. I've read millions of words in the last two weeks (mostly ff some actual paper backs). This all makes such a change from the last 8 months, where I haven't been able to read; I just didn't have the concentration span for it. Don't know what changed to set me off on this mad binge of not always very well edited fanfiction, but ill take it. It's helping distract me, and gives me a focus for a while.
I've had a weird year. It's been terrible, and yet strangely memorable and just something I can't figure out or quantify.
Work has been challenging, and not really in the good way. I stopped caring a few months ago, when I made up my mind to move on, because I don't have too much left to get from the company. I realized that whatever happens I need to look out for me, and even if I am my pessimistic self, I should not not be happy just for money. There is too much crap in life to put up with something if you aren't getting an equal return. So I checked my budget, and while my money is nice, I can pay all of my bills on minimum wage, so I can literally do anything once I decide what it is.
I tried to get back into online dating, but I lasted a week. I didn't have the energy to go through the getting to know you motions, so I closed my profile again. I'm not sure what or who I am looking for. I love being alone, a classic introvert, but I miss having that one person to rely on some days. Most of my close friends are in relationships at the moment. It is great and I adore their partners, but it is sometimes really hard being the only one going home alone. Or mustering the strength to go somewhere new alone.
I'm not sure why I needed to write something longer than a tweet today. Probably because putting one self into exile from the world for a weekend leads to needing a human outlet for thoughts. Or maybe it's to put them in order and stop them chasing around and around my head in some infinite loop in the dark.
October 1st, 2014
But apparently we're only getting to 7 days, because on Monday management sprang it in us that she's going away to be assistant project manager for our new complex that's being built and I go back in charge. From Monday, until the new building opens and we move in. In a year. I got a year long promotion to manager.
I put a caveat on it that I would need a new full time employee, because last time I did it, the three months was insanely hard because there is no support there from the part timers - even if they weren't bitter husks (being mean because I'm tired) they only work one day a week, so of course they can't support the day to day stuff.
But OMG. I was just getting excited about relaxing a little bit after 7 months of doing two jobs, and remembering what my normal singular role was again... Only to have a week of 'normal' before heading into a YEAR of dual roles.
Manager and I were just talking about how we need some holidays... Not anytime soon!!
But the good news is I didn't hurt my opportunities in the organisation by flunking the interview... And it will be amazing experience, and look fantastic on my resume.
In other news, I've had a very bad time lately, anxious, depressed again, panic attacks, the lot. I'm hoping as it warms up it will help.
I also moved back into my room after the saga of the rat (Dean caught a rat and let it loose in my room, then lost it...) forced me out, then I decided to paint and redo curtains while I was already moved. But I finally moved back in after two months!!
Another saga - I swear, so many things happening lately can only be called sagas - is that of my fridge. Two months ago, fridge stopped even trying to be cold. Took me a month to figure out which one to buy, and then a month for it to arrive. So I was fridge less for two months, which was ... Interesting. But I have it now and it's amazing! I'd forgotten ice cream should be a solid it's been so long!
And I think I want a puppy.
August 13th, 2014
So, I've been doing this other job for 3 months now - and I can honestly say I hate it. Read my last post (that I just unpriviated because I forgot I'd set it that way :) for some back story and detailed reasons why I hate it.
By the time they got around to advertising the position, I had pretty much decided I didn't want the job, not entirely, but I knew I was unhappy and not challenged, but could possibly be in future?, but because my organisation is a little bit toxic and unhealthy and very judgemental, it would have been seen to be a very bad thing if I didn't apply. So I did, writing an application while I was horribly horribly sick and could barely focus. Apparently I did ok, because I got an interview.
By the time the interview came around, I was 100% certain I didn't want the job, because any job that challenges me so little yet causes me to have weekly panic attacks and sends me in to a mammoth depressive spiral where I'm feeling almost suicidal again for the first time in 2 years... Yeah. It's not the place for me.
I love to talk to people and run my technology classes and help people. In that office you don't even have people talk. It's deathly quiet, with ridiculous double standards and expectations and more than one person remarked that any time they saw me I looked deflated. Because I was.
Anyway, I'd decided I didn't want the job even a little bit. But I went to the interview and tried to do my best anyway, because it's better to get the job and turn it down, but my brain just went, you idiot, as if you even want this, why bother? So I accidentally on purpose sabotaged my interview. I still did an adequate job, but I showed no enthusiasm or passion.
And now I'm free! Or almost. They gave the position to a colleague of mine who is totally green - a year out of library school, with no IT background. So at least he'll be learning things and may find it a challenge! :)
But now I get to go back to the job I adore, and as an added bonus I'm going back as manager for 5 weeks as well - with support this time! And I am so happy to get out of there. I'll be back in like two weeks, so I'll finish up my list of things I want to change, and then I'm going to wash my hands of the whole things and stand back and laugh as once again, not only our web dev, but in fact our whole IT department has no actual qualifications in IT - just an 'interest'. :) I think New guy is going to find it tough. Hopefully he likes it. Because I sure didn't.
June 4th, 2014
Today I left work in that horrible state of not knowing. There is nothing more that I hate than not knowing my place, feeling comfortable with what I need to do, and knowing some things are a touch out of my comfort zone so I will have to stretch and learn to be better and complete them.
I think I mentioned I've been seconded again to a different department - our webmaster / social media / no one really knows how he spent his time guy resigned and thy asked me to fill in for him. Which is fantastic, because its more pay, and a chance to do new things, which I love.
But it's not a stretch. It's nothing new. We aren't redeveloping the website, it's just maintaining it for now, and adding content is so easy in Drupal, and ours is all setup. The views might just need a tweak or two, content types are defined, so all it is is getting the content and making sure the HTML is all ok. I learned HTML in 1999 off the Internet because I was bored. Then I went to uni and studied web design/it. So currently my new job isn't testing me too much. and they keep asking if I'm sure I don't want some training.. Not sure on what exactly, because I haven't had to even think about more than one tiny thing before working it out! It's also not how I learn, but my managers manager cannot comprehend that apparently. So I get to go through the website and just do some maintenance, spelling errors and updating images. Which I do like to do, but its not hard or challenging. A fairly well trained monkey could do the same. And if no one had noticed these mistakes before...
But I left work in this horrible state, where I was both tremendously sad and burning with rage. And now it's 2am, and I'm so awake and I have to be up early tomorrow to go to a stupid lecture in Melbourne on things that I would much rather just read about because when you write it down you have to have all the facts and figures and things laid out in order and hating the fact that an entire day is wasted 'learning' things I could have understood better from taking ten minutes to read their reports and doing my own explore of the concepts.
But anyway, it's late and I shouldn't be thinking let alone on my ipad trying to write it down....
May 21st, 2014
I'm in Brisbane! For work!! Im currently in a hotel, and I'm not paying for it. It's all very exciting. Library conferences are fun! :) and we haven't even been to the conference yet. We just arrived this evening, checked in and had dinner. Tomorrow is the day were here for.
Ive been temporarily seconded to another role and location again. This makes the third title I've had this year so far, and my fifth manager. I think that's pretty impressive for mid way through May. I'm now in charge of the website and some social media for the whoooole thing. A bit scary haha. But it's such an awesome opportunity and great experience. Not sure how long or how 'temporary' the arrangement will end up, but that's cool :)
I've been socialised out lately - been really busy with social things, work, and all that.
Half of my socialisation was the fact Em lived with me for 6 months, which was fantastic, but I just can't handle too much socialisation in general so by having someone at home to talk to meant I didn't need (or want) to leave the house!
But she's gone back to Canada now and I'm sad and selfishly wanting her back :)
I got a new car... Dads partner got a new one, so I got her hand me down Volvo. Which is only two years newer than my Magna, but it's done 120,000 less kms. And is in much better shape. So I couldn't say no!
I'm going to go read a book and fall asleep in a different city to usual.