every time i think of my grandpa, i think about heaven, and god, and hell. and whether any of it even exists. and if i'll ever see him again, just not in this life.
my stepdad's comforting words were, 'at least he's in a better place. that doesn't make things any easier, but he's in heaven now.'
and i couldn't help but get up and just walk to kitchen. delving into, 'gee dad, that's great if you actually believe it' didn't seem like the best thing to say.
but here's the thing. i caught myself saying the same thing to myself on the way to work, in between random short bursts of freak outs. and then i remembered that i'm a skeptic, and i didn't feel much better.
the worst part is that i didn't get to see him. it hasn't sunk in yet, but when it really truly does, i'll be having more thoughts like the ones that occurred to me on the way to work. i will never see him again. i will never speak to him again. knowing that talking to him about allstate and imea to make one-sided conversation between a young teenager and her now mute and ailing grandfather two states apart from each other less awkward and painful will be the last things i will ever say to him. that, and a fairly empty and hollow i love you grandpa, and i miss you to keep myself emotionally stable while talking to him. but i meant it. i really meant it. and i hope he knows that. god, if there is one, i mean it. meant it.
i think its safe to say that after writing that paragraph that it has hit me. i will never see him again. if i would've known what i know now when we visited this summer, i would've spent so much more time with him, instead of sitting in the guest room the majority of my visit and either playing godfinger or playing their piano. if i would've known that that would be the last time i'd ever get to hug him or kiss him or wait two hours for him to eat a piece of pizza or try to understand what he was working so hard to say to me, i would've tried so much harder to listen, and to appreciate and love him, instead of sulking because i was missing another holiday with my friends. i would've tried to forget how hard it was to watch him deteriorate right in front of my eyes, put my own selfish feelings into a little box shoved into the darkest corner of my mind, just for that trip. just for those few precious days i will never get back.
i will finish this later. andie and collin want to go running. and there is no way in hell i'm going to continue to sit here and sob and think over this any longer. too much coming at me.
my stepdad's comforting words were, 'at least he's in a better place. that doesn't make things any easier, but he's in heaven now.'
and i couldn't help but get up and just walk to kitchen. delving into, 'gee dad, that's great if you actually believe it' didn't seem like the best thing to say.
but here's the thing. i caught myself saying the same thing to myself on the way to work, in between random short bursts of freak outs. and then i remembered that i'm a skeptic, and i didn't feel much better.
the worst part is that i didn't get to see him. it hasn't sunk in yet, but when it really truly does, i'll be having more thoughts like the ones that occurred to me on the way to work. i will never see him again. i will never speak to him again. knowing that talking to him about allstate and imea to make one-sided conversation between a young teenager and her now mute and ailing grandfather two states apart from each other less awkward and painful will be the last things i will ever say to him. that, and a fairly empty and hollow i love you grandpa, and i miss you to keep myself emotionally stable while talking to him. but i meant it. i really meant it. and i hope he knows that. god, if there is one, i mean it. meant it.
i think its safe to say that after writing that paragraph that it has hit me. i will never see him again. if i would've known what i know now when we visited this summer, i would've spent so much more time with him, instead of sitting in the guest room the majority of my visit and either playing godfinger or playing their piano. if i would've known that that would be the last time i'd ever get to hug him or kiss him or wait two hours for him to eat a piece of pizza or try to understand what he was working so hard to say to me, i would've tried so much harder to listen, and to appreciate and love him, instead of sulking because i was missing another holiday with my friends. i would've tried to forget how hard it was to watch him deteriorate right in front of my eyes, put my own selfish feelings into a little box shoved into the darkest corner of my mind, just for that trip. just for those few precious days i will never get back.
i will finish this later. andie and collin want to go running. and there is no way in hell i'm going to continue to sit here and sob and think over this any longer. too much coming at me.
- Current Music:The Lighthouse's Tale
- Current Mood:regrettful
so, my best friend is getting married in may of next year, and feels pretty panicked right now. im her maid of honor, but im a senior in high school, so im not of much help. if anyone can help me out and give me some advice on what to do to help relieve some of her stress, or direct me to some really useful and helpful pages on the interweb, that would be fantastical.
- Current Music:asian music
- Current Mood:
complacent
I made All State!!!!!!! I'm Little Red!!! There were about 34 people at the final callback, myself and my friend David (who is Rapunzel's prince :D) among them. That was an amazingly exciting day, overall. I was satisfied when we left knowing I had just made it THAT far. They had to cut 7 for the final number of 27 cast members. After callbacks, 7 seemed like a very large number, and I was sure I was done there. But to my surprise and satisfaction, I will be attending the first meeting exactly three weeks from now!!! Our first rehearsal is August 14 and 15, with one every month after that until the show opens the first week of January. The first rehearsal is the shortest one: the rest of them are three days long. Twelve hour rehearsals from 9 am to 9 pm Saturday and Sunday. Then the Monday rehearsals are 9 am to 3 pm. So, loooooooooong days. But there are only 20 rehearsals to put this show together, so its necessary to work for that long.... It's going to be amazing and I cannot wait!!!!
- Current Mood:
aggravated - Current Music:Into the Woods
Ahh! All-State callbacks for 2010's production of Into the Woods are tomorrow! I'm really nervous, but I'm really looking forward to it, at the same time.... My schedule:
3:30 AM --> Wake up, get ready DX
4:45(?) AM --> Meet Mrs. Aldridge and the two Centennial kids going to begin our car ride, which will hopefully be awesome
~> A little background---All-State is a chance for any actor/musician/techie to audition for a production to be put on at Illinois High School Theatre Fest in January. There are only 20 rehearsals to put together the All-State show, and they're all in Chicago. So I'd be traveling.... also, there are no excuses for absences, or you're kicked out. Overall, it's a pretty intense experience I believe, and it would be SO much fun to be a part of my senior year. There were 300 people to audition (that's what my drama director said, and he's in charge of Theatre Fest this year, so he should know XD), and 80 got called back. So, even if I don't make it now, getting called back was enough satisfaction for me. :)
There are five from our area.... wish us all luck!
Brenna~
3:30 AM --> Wake up, get ready DX
4:45(?) AM --> Meet Mrs. Aldridge and the two Centennial kids going to begin our car ride, which will hopefully be awesome
8 AM --> Arrive at Lemont High School. Begin check in.
8:30 AM --> Begin Callback O_o
8:30 AM --> Begin Callback O_o
* During this time we will sing from the show, be taught another dance, do cold readings from the script, eat some lunch, and then wait around for hours.
2 PM --> Some students released at this time
2 PM --> Some students released at this time
5 PM --> All students released (hopefully when WE will be leaving.... I assume that if you are kept until the end, there are better chances of you being cast in the show because they will have people they want reading for lots of parts, I imagine)
Arrive home. The later, the better for my chances.
Arrive home. The later, the better for my chances.
~> A little background---All-State is a chance for any actor/musician/techie to audition for a production to be put on at Illinois High School Theatre Fest in January. There are only 20 rehearsals to put together the All-State show, and they're all in Chicago. So I'd be traveling.... also, there are no excuses for absences, or you're kicked out. Overall, it's a pretty intense experience I believe, and it would be SO much fun to be a part of my senior year. There were 300 people to audition (that's what my drama director said, and he's in charge of Theatre Fest this year, so he should know XD), and 80 got called back. So, even if I don't make it now, getting called back was enough satisfaction for me. :)
There are five from our area.... wish us all luck!
Brenna~
- Current Mood:
anxious - Current Music:Into the Woods
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sorry babe, i dont think you will have much luck on lj. especially because your obly friends with like, me and shelby...and we know nada.
ask your mom or something