I’ve said the words but they still don’t feel real. My darling husband, Phil, passed away on Sunday, September 15th from complications of sepsis. It’s still too painful to talk about what the two weeks before that looked like. Suffice it to say that this was sudden and unexpected and I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. Instead of trying to tell you all about Phil (because that would be a novel, not a post), I thought I’d share the letter I wrote him on our 20th anniversary and something that came later.
Dear Phil,
Today as I was driving I saw a pair of butterflies tossed together on a summer breeze. They danced together in the air for a brief time and flew off and it made me think of us. Together and apart we have been tossed on a myriad of life’s breezes. We have raised children, lost a child and quite possibly saved a child or maybe she saved us.
There have been good times and bad times, heartbreaking times and times that have lifted us up. I don’t believe there is only one person in the world for anyone. But I do believe that you choose the person that you love and you do your best to love them for life. Because loving is an act of courage, a tossing of your heart onto the perilous winds.
No matter where life’s breezes toss us, I will always and forever love you. Happy 20th anniversary and may we have many, many more.
I love you,
Beth
I only left the hospital three times when he was there. All three were to come home and shower. The last time I came home, I paused to watch a white butterfly dancing solo over our front lawn. As I watched, another butterfly joined it and they briefly danced together and then flew away. I felt as though Phil had sent me a little reminder that he knew how much I love him.
Friends, family, neighbors, quilting buddies, and co-workers have and continue to cover us with love and kindness in this dark time. I have a lot of worries but facing everything alone isn’t one of them. Our three girls have teamed up together to support one another and me as well. I could not have been prouder of them…how they supported each other, advocated for their dad and how much love was expressed between them. My brother and niece were with us for the whole journey and so many precious friends stayed by our side. All of those things mean so much.
Phil was a beloved guy. We used to joke that he was grumpy cat on the outside and marshmallow on the inside. He adored his girls, our cats, our friends and loved hanging out with the neighbors. He had a great laugh and a way of always making me feel like somehow everything would be ok. He is missed beyond words.
The great limitation of the English language is that it has no truly adequate words to express grief.
Thank you to everyone who expressed concern and good wishes on my last post. It’s not the ending we hoped for but I’m grateful for every prayer, good wish, hope or healing energy that was sent our way.
Bless you all.
Beth
Words & Stitches 
Beth my heart goes out to you and your family at this sad time. No words can make things better, but perhaps the prayers and comments from those of us who know you through your blog can offer some comfort. Just watch for those butterflies. You will be surprised how often you get that happy hug when you see them. ❤
Dear Beth. The English language and its limitations do leave me speechless and without adequate words to express my surprise and sorrow for you and your family. That you have such great support for both you and your girls have to lift your spirits immensely. I will pray for all of you and both that you find some peace to carry you forward. {{{Hugs}}} a bunch for you. Roseanne
I’m so so sorry, Beth. There are no words, but know that we will all be keeping you close in our prayers for you and your family.
….what a perfect description of your relationship….and a great confirmation w/the white butterflies while you were home…comfort and love to you all…it is so very hard for all of us, even the rest of the framily…love you girl—won’t say you’ve got this even tho you do, cuz I know you may not feel that way right now…you have done a wonderful job of drawing close and drawing strength as a family…I know that alone is a huge comfort to you all…and even to Phil…
I’m so saddened. Praying for you.
Sent from my iPad
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Sending prayers of comfort. Treat yourself gently, and know there are folks keeping you in their prayers.
Dear Beth, your heart will be raw for awhile. Losing your partner in life is a hard road to travel. I pray for comfort for your heart. Sending big quilty hugs to you.
So sorry for your loss. It must be heartbreaking for this to happen. Will keep you in my prayers.
Sending you love from my heart and prayers to Heavenly Father to bless you! What a beautiful letter you wrote to him! I’m so grateful you were married to a great man! I hope you will see butterflies dancing whenever you need them! Heaven sent, they are! I know I’ll think of you and Phil when I see them! Love, Linda Badurek, Colorado
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Your letter to your beloved husband has me in tears. I have been married over 40 yrs. I can only imagine how you are suffering. It is a feeling we dread. My *rayers of comfort are said for you. Remember we are with you in s*irit from all over the US & most likely the world. Quilty Hugs from Florida.
Sorry, the letter between O-Q does not work, so you get an *. Bless you.
My heart goes out to you Beth, I’ll be sending prayers of healing and love to you and your family at this time. A truly beautiful tribute in that anniversary letter, thoughtful and kind, and a beautiful story.
So very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband, and friend. Your letter was so touching and beautiful. I wish you strength and courage as you heal. I cannot even imagine the journey of not having my husband we married at 18 and 19 years old and have been together now 45 years. He is my guy, my one love. Sending a warm hug.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Stay strong, lean on your family and friends. Just so sorry.
Hugs and sympathies to you and yours as you transgress through this difficult period of your life. Your words and emotions expressed are perfect and succinct, thank you. Condolances and prayers.
What a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing this with us.