I’m cranky lately. Like really cranky. I don’t feel well and it seems that everyone is on my last nerve which is frayed, barely hanging on and I’m not quite sure where to go with it. It doesn’t help that I’m sick on top of all these feelings which are bubbling up from below the surface, hidden like a minefield that’s not been touched in over a thousand years. I’m on edge, like I may explode at any moment.

Last weekend my brother asked me over to their house and it was really nice. In true brother fashion though, after a few whiskeys, he was telling me what was wrong with me and how I need to find someone so that the kids don’t have to take care of me when I’m old. (Or that he doesn’t have to take care of me – wink, wink, nudge, nudge). ARG!

As per usual, I just stayed quiet and let him spout his suggestions as his wife did the nodding thing, because clearly they’d talked about this and it was part of the agenda, the reason they asked me over, after plying me with lobsters and wine. Do they really think I don’t see through them?

I acquiesed as required and pinky swore that I’d try harder to get out there to find a man so that I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone in the next few years which, of course, was me taking what they said wrong, and putting a negative spin on the night. Always my fault…

I finally got up and said it was past my bedtime and went home. The next morning I texted thank you for the fun evening to the 2 of them and haven’t spoken to them since because what else is there to say?

If I found someone I liked, I’d date them. It would be nice to have a companion, but I have some trust issues so it’s not easy for me to let my guard down. I keep hoping that someone I once knew will come into my ilfe, or someone that a friend knows well will appear and we can connect. But so far, that hasn’t happened. And frankly, I stopped looking. I’m tired. I’m done with all that mess. I don’t need a man to complete me. And yet, when I look at the flip side of all of this, I can understand what they’re saying if I put my sooo sensitive self to the side.

Kids will be gone soon enough and I’ll be fully on my own. Everyone acts like that’s such a bad thing, but I’m excited for it! To come and go as I choose? Sign me up! To not have to deal with pets, mess and dinner every night? Sounds like paradise. Not that I don’t love the kids, but seriously, I’m done. I want my freedom. I have divorced friends who are enjoying their single livelihoods and I want to do it too.

I think this is where my brother and his wife just don’t understand me considering they’re attached at the hip for everything. But I bet if she didn’t think she’d lose the prestigious country club life, she’d hightail it into being single in a heartbeat and she’s the reason he’s being pushed to ‘have the talk with Janie’ because I’m too obtuse to see the bigger picture and she’s probably running scared that I may need money from them (which by the way I’d never ever ask for) as I’d never hear the end of it.

I’m not saying they’re not good to me because they are. But every six months or so we have the same conversations about my being single and how I can’t afford to buy myself a house and what are my future plans and why don’t I have any?

I think that the next time I’m invited over, I’ll make up a new boyfriend just to see their faces. I’ll make him a really bad boy in their eyes just to see them freak out! Won’t that be a hoot?!

Hope you’re having a better week than me!