For decades the apple had been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of Hell, desperately lurching toward its biblical namesake as “Satan’s Fruit.” With the rapid degradation of the once mighty Red Delicious and the intentional impotence of apple farmers across the world, we were faced with the unthinkable: the rise of the pear.

Thankfully in the early 2000s, due to the emergence of a class of idle yuppies willing to shell out disproportionate amounts of disposable income at organic grocery stores, it became economically viable to invest in the development of what I term “designer apples.” As a result, a dizzying array of new apples hit the shelves and continued to do so year after year.

With so many new breeds, the antiquated system of delegating an apple as “good” or “bad” is an unworkable injustice of oversimplification. Society demands an updated rubric for apple evaluation that meets the moment. I have created that rubric.

I have no children. This rating scale is my only hope to keep my namesake alive. It is something I hope to be utilized for generations to come and is my only chance at achieving immortality. Therefore I am naming this system: The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale aka the F100.

Each apple is evaluated on a one hundred point scale broken down into nine categories. Each category is worth a maximum of ten points, aside from “TASTE” –  which is weighted double, for a maximum of twenty points. As always, the points reflect each candidate as a “munching apple.”

All apples are ranked in season, under optimal conditions, as fresh and ripe as possible. I take no responsibility for blowback from ignorant buffoons who chomp on rotten, out-of-season apples and expect perfection.