It's funny, when I open a blank document on my laptop, the thoughts and feelings come pouring out. But the second I open up this page, they're all stymied. The guard goes up and there is no hope of lowering it.

I don't usually listen to music while I sit outside or while I walk to class. This is mostly because I want to be open to anyone I might meet and because I feel like I ought to give nature a chance to speak its piece to me. But, and maybe this is because I rarely do this, I've found that good sounds coming from a pair of headphones only make the world more heavenly. My sense are all in harmony or something. I don't know, but it's wonderful.

all I can do is sigh.

it's so nice when every cell in your body tingles with joy. I've missed this feeling.

Acknowledging that most people struggle with loneliness and doubt cannot be a source of comfort for me anymore. It's ineffective. Regardless of whether it's true or not, there is no hope for a solution with that mentality. Besides, I'd like to wish everyone the best.

baking cookies with lindsay.

I wish my other favorite person in the world was here, too.


I LOVE U ROSA!

"you can hold onto my shoulders or the back of the seat if you feel shaky.....uh! or there..."

I'm workin' on it.

deep breath

I don't have to be the most important person in everyone's life all of the time.....

X3

i feel like i can do anything.


I'm only unhappy when i convince myself something is a certain way. 99% of the time i'm way off the mark.


I really feel like i can do anything.

i'm almost twenty! eek!

as I lay in alex's sleeping bag outside of the stadium waiting for tickets that may never come, i think ooooo it feels good to be free.


i'mmmmmm definitely free.

slips of the tongue will be my downfall!!!!

sigh!

Is my recently revived death anxiety a sign? Wait, I don't believe in signs, fuck. Or perhaps its a product of my irrational fear of flying...Costa Rica in t-3 weeks. I guess I am just lacking that sense of immortality that supposedly comes with youth. How can I be so concerned with my demise at the ripe age of nineteen? I'm fearful of missing out on things I've never experienced, how silly. Maybe once I have some years to my name, years removed from my cushioned, secure existence, I'll have gained some wisdom. Maybe if I could fathom aging, if I could wrap my mind around it, I would feel better. I guess it's not that crazy to feel this way when you have the rest of your world at your fingertips, when you're constantly trying to picture your future. The idea of endless possibilities meeting head on with the idea of eternal rest.

So besides my right side being dominant when it comes to strength, my right hand and foot are bigger than those of my left. And!!!! my fingernails grow twice as fast!!

Alright, I went through my journal and made almost every private entry public. A lot of it is very raw and personal and I am nervous about how much i have exposed. However, I feel that it's necessary to start being honest with where i'n coming from if I expect people to know where i'm going.


i'm proud, i'm a lot more in touch with myself than I thought

I have a bonafide book-buying addiction (FULL BLOWN)
But, I feel it is my duty as an aspiring evolutionary biologist to own and read material written by Richard Dawkins.

"Bonnarooskis":

3 days and 3 nights of outdoor livin', live music, hot days, colds nights, drug offers, frat boy neighbors (EIGHTEEN BEERS A DAY, YAHHHHHHHHHHH), driving, peanut butter eating, nice and evil mechanics, companionship, portapotties and dust!
In short, twas an experience like no other. Rosa and I even managed to get pretty tans (I'm no longer translucent!).

Visiting hotlanta was probably equally as exciting and gratifying. Seeing Alex, his home, his puppy and his family was really nice. Hangin' out with him and mike made me very excited to return to school. My hopes for this year are fuckin' skyhigh.

Oh yeah, seeing the braves torch the redsox: priceless!







Fuck, they even serve rice at IHOP now!

I LOOOOOOOVE FEIST.

I am ready to to go back. I am ready to be myself in my old environment. I am ready to strengthen my relationships with people I have known forever, people that I love. I am ready to leave my little room, even if I am coming back to it in three months. I am ready to be adventurous. I feel okay about leaving people that I have fledgling relationships with. I am definitely ready to not live in a place with people who obviously do not like me.

Yesterday I did the cha cha slide alone with my aunt and cousin in front of 200 people. today at church I sang out. It's funny how not allowing myself to do little things like that keep me from coming alive.



I'm giving myself over.

and I am ready to be done with death anxiety.

I still think it's weird that you can interact with someone(people) and not really learn anything about that person, never really speak deeply and intimately with him/her. I would have regret, but then there is always the summer.

My body has feels so unstable. There is so much spirituality and an exceeding amount of joy in me just waiting to explode. I can feel the pressure, Every inch of me. I fear I will have no body to speak of when I finally find the outlet i've been looking for my whole life. I can't wait to feel truly alive. Right now it's just a tense, happy anticipation.

I don't know how to express myself.
or maybe I am not who I want to express.

maybe I am something better.

how do i know?

how are people so adept at introspection? (THEY'RE NOT)

I have melted. there is a pool on my futon. it's me.

dare I say that life without you may prove to benefit me? if only for a short while. (maybe forever.)